I finished this chapter sooner than I expected, but I know for sure I won't have another one up until the week after next. Sorry.
Anonymous, I'm surprised you noticed the reference. Yes, I know Killowogg is a good guy, but I couldn't think of any other name for an alien scientist.
Bluefox…eh…I make no promises on Gantu.
…
"So this is the famous Paradise Vega," said Slugger. The team had just arrived there after following Hamsterviel through space again, predictably losing him at the station docks.
The space station was a huge wheel shaped (and oddly enough, colored) like a giant roulette wheel. The interior of the station was similarly casino-themed, with buildings shaped like stacks of bingo chips and slot machines, huge floating dice, and roads and highways designed like pinball games. The quickest way to get through the city was to get into a small, spherical craft, and roll around the giant pinball machines, getting jostled this way and that by bumpers and paddles. Most people sensibly preferred to walk.
This place was the Las Vegas of the galaxy, famous for its extraordinary floor shows, strippers, flashing lights, cool game shows, and its virtually impossible to win casino games. Millions of people came to visit the place year-round and left substantially poorer. And somewhere in this gaudy, neon city was Hamsterviel. The heroes had no idea where to begin.
"Where do we start?" asked Sparky.
Stitch shrugged. "I dunno."
See?
A cloaked figure suddenly bumped into Stitch, knocking him over. "Hey, watch where you're going!" he said angrily.
"So sorry, sir." The figure quickly moved on.
Stitch grumbled. "Lousy pedestrians, never looking where they're walking-" He paused, then checked his pockets. "Hey, that guy stole my wallet!"
"After him!" said Sparky.
They chased after the cloaked figure, who had started running. They didn't dare show off their powers, for although they hadn't seen any billboards warning against experiments in this station, that didn't mean the hundreds of tourists and gamblers walking about wouldn't find it odd if Sparky turned into a bolt of lightning and zapped the thief.
The thief turned into an alley and found it to be a dead end. Stitch and the others stopped at the entrance, blocking any escape. "Okay, give back my wallet or-" The thief tossed the wallet at their feet. "…Else?"
The thief threw off the cloak, revealing it had been Angel, Finder, and Clip standing on each other's shoulders all along. "Hi guys!"
Stitch was stunned to see his ex and her friends here. "Angel? Clip? Finder?"
"What are you guys doing here?" asked Sparky.
Angel grinned. "It's a long story, so listen up…"
…
The trio explained how they had escaped the invasion force, along with Kixx's group, and returned home only to learn of the new Grand Councilwoman's evil scheme for extermination and Hamsterviel's flight plans. The six experiments had set off at once for Paradise Vega to set up for Hamsterviel and Team Stitch's arrival.
When they arrived, Hacker had informed them that Hamsterviel had signed up to compete on the space station's hit game show, Galactic Showdown, in hopes of winning this week's fabulous prize, the crystalline Star of Destiny. Hacker had no idea what it did, but it sounded important and was obviously crucial to the doctor's plans. While she could easily erase Hamsterviel from the game's roster, that might make him suspicious of a spy in his computer, which could lead to a lot of problems. And he'd probably just go ahead and steal the Star then, possibly endangering hundreds of innocent lives in the process. So instead she got rid of the other contestants and signed up Angel's team to compete along with Stitch's team to increase their chances of keeping the Star from Hamsterviel. In the meantime, while everyone was watching the show, Kixx's team would infiltrate the vault where the Star was kept and replace it with a counterfeit bought from a hotel gift shop so that just in case Hamsterviel did win, he wouldn't get the real prize.
They had also considered sabotaging Hamsterviel's ship during the game, but decided not to. It turned out the doctor had a warp gate device installed in his hoverchair and if he found himself with no other way off the station and surrounded by enemies on all sides, he might use it to go right to his secret base. If that happened, it would be doubtful that they would ever find him or the missing experiments in time to stop his mysterious master plan.
This all sounded very complicated, along with the part where they were going to move to a new planet after this was over to avoid the exterminators, but Team Stitch decided to go along with it, up until the point when Clip got out a makeup kit. "Oh no," said Slugger. "You're not putting that stuff on me!"
"Well how else do you expect to disguise yourself silly?" she asked, annoyed.
"Disguise?"
"Well of course, this game's going to be broadcast all over the galaxy. You don't want the cops to see you, an illegal genetic experiment, on television and race down to kill us all thanks to that bitch's anti-experiment campaign, do you?"
"No…" he admitted.
Clip smiled. "Good. Now shut up and pull your tail in, it'll ruin the outfit I made in advance for you. And don't make that face at me, it'll make it harder for me to apply this mascara." Slugger groaned.
…
A few hours later, in a studio packed with cheering fans…
"Ladies and gentleman, here he is, the man you've all been waiting for, the winner of the Brightest Smile Award three years running and our host, heeeeerrrre's Chip Mechanilous!" cried the generic unseen announcer.
A robot with an antigravity unit for a lower body and a very bright and gleaming set of metal teeth hovered out of a hole in the floor, to the cheers of his adoring fans. "Hello Paradise Vega!…and all you other loser planets out there!" He followed this up with a gleaming smile as the audience laughed, just like the big glowing LAUGH sign hanging from the ceiling told them to. "Aw, I'm just joshing with you. Are you all ready for an exciting night of GALACTIC SHOWDOWN?!" he asked as fireworks, lasers, smoke machines and cool holographic displays flashed in the background, where a giant hologram of the show's sign lit up. The audience shouted their approval. "Great! Bobbo, who are our contestants tonight?"
The lights dimmed and spotlights spun all around the stage as drums and other instruments played, heightening the tension and suspense. "First up, from the depths of Nebula G-37, we present to you the Sex family!…sorry, my mistake, the Seex family! Say hello to Titch, Parx, and Bindy!" The crowd cheered as Slugger, Sparky, and Stitch were raised up on a platform with lots of spotlights focused on them, feeling ridiculous.
Stitch had retracted his extra limbs and antenna and his ears were folded over his head and died brown to simulate hair. He was wearing a small tweed jacket with a pipe sticking out of a breast pocket. A pair of nerdy glasses were on his face. His fur had been died fuschia for no apparent reason. He played the part of Titch, a mild-mannered lawyer who liked long sunset walks and reading very big books.
Sparky's antenna had been wrapped around his stubby ears to look like some strange hairdo, and he wore sandals, a flower-patterned shirt, and sunglasses. His fur had been bleached to a sort of white-blond mix and he looked like he had just come off the beach. He played the part of Titch's slacker son, Parx.
Slugger was the most embarrassed because he was supposed to be a girl. His tail had been forcefully pushed into his body (Which hurt like hell) and he had been given blue contacts to hide his dark eyes. He was wearing a typical apron and blue dress to make him look like a housewife (which he technically was, seeing as how he had the part of Titch's germ-paranoid wife Bindy). Also, his face was covered in mascara, lipstick, and eye shadow along with very long fake eyelashes. He also had a hideous beehive wing to hide his pterodactyl crest. If you had never seen him before, you would never have known he was a boy.
After giving a brief and totally fabricated synopsis on the family, Bobbo announced the next team, who rose on another platform. "Next, all the way from the mysterious planet Enigmus-12, Her Royal Highness Queen Angedala and her retainers Swami and Clip!" The members of Team Angel waved at the audience.
Angel's antenna had been curled up into little balls on either side of her head and painted black. Her ears had been folded back to make room for a dazzling tiara over a face hidden behind quite a lot of white makeup. She wore sequined red robes with little flames sewn into them along with a great deal of jewelry in the form of bracelets, necklaces, and earrings. Her fur was died a dark red to hide her usual pink coloring. Thanks to the fake credentials Hacker had made up, Angel was now ruler of a planet that didn't exist.
Finder was wearing a simple black tunic and sandals. His ears had been wrapped around a ball to form a weird turban of sorts, which had been painted white. His fur had been died blue with a single white stripe on his left cheek. He had wrapped a cloth around his eyes to go with a sort of 'blind sage' look, but after he kept stumbling into everything Clip had taken pity on him and cut out eyeholes, making him look very strange indeed. He also had a fake goatee. He played the part of Swami, Queen Angedala's loyal advisor.
Clip had taken off her large hair bow and put it on her chest to make it look like a bow tie, hiding her gender. She had also retracted her claws and put on sunglasses. She had refused to dye her hair, claiming it would ruin her natural roots. She was supposed to be Angedala's bodyguard. (Or something like that.)
Bobbo gave another brief and false synopsis, then announced the last team. "And finally, the trillionaire philanthropist Rupert Gerbilwheel! And his retinue." The crowd cheered as Hamsterviel, Mertle, and Gantu appeared on stage. The experiments saw through their disguises, just as the evil ones saw through their own. They glared at each other as Bobbo gave his fake synopsis of Hamsterviel's team.
Hamsterviel was floating around in his hoverchair to appear crippled. He had removed his cape, dyed his fur black, and donned dark glasses to appear blind. He had assumed this guise many times in the past to fund his illegal operations.
Mertle was wearing a very skanky outfit that looked about as thick and concealing as dental floss. She was Gerbilwheel's consort, and not even remotely pleased about it.
Gantu was wearing a flowery muumuu, fake eyelashes, and lipstick to help him play the part of Brunhilda, Gerbilwheel's kindly nurse. He wasn't happy about it at all.
Chip's smile grew inhumanly wide. "Now that all our teams have been assembled, it's time to play GALACTIC SHOWDOWN! Right after these messages."
…
A pair of robot guards stood in front of the secret entrance to the heavily secured area where the hotel that hosted Galactic Showdown kept all its valuables, including the mysterious Star of Destiny. They were programmed for total focus on guarding the doorway. Nothing could divert their attention from their task.
A small four-armed fellow strolled by, dropping a magazine as he went. He didn't notice and kept moving on. The guards glanced at the magazine to see if it was a threat.
The magazine was the latest issue of PLAYBOT, featuring the year's newest line of sex machines. A holographic picture of one particularly hot robo-femme was featured on the cover, flashing her chest-mounted photoreceptors at the guards.
The robots stared at the magazine for several seconds, calculating. Slowly, one of the guards started to move towards the magazine. The other grabbed his wrist. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Um…just saw a credit on the floor," the robot said quickly.
"Really? And where is this 'credit'?"
The guard's photoreceptors shifted. "Er…"
"Ha!" The second guard pointed at his partner. "You just wanted that magazine, didn't you? You wanted to take it to the maintenance area and play with your jack-in port while reading it, didn't you?"
"Oh, like you weren't?" The first accused.
"At least I managed to resist the temptation to pick it up!"
"Oh yeah, the way you resisted to pick up that hooker bot off duty?"
The guard managed to look shocked and indignant, which was pretty good for something with no real facial features. "I'll have you know I was just driving her home! Thanks to my superior programming, I can control my sex drive, unlike you, who would probably link up with your own prototype just to get a little-" He was cut off when the first guard punched him in the face. Furious, the second tackled him and they started rolling around on the floor, beating each other up. Gamblers gathered around and started placing bets, not noticing the now unguarded security door appear to open and close all by itself.
…
"We now return to GALACTIC SHOWDOWN!" yelled Bobbo as the commercials ended, getting screams from the audience.
"Now that we're back, I'll explain the rules," said Chip, who was still grinning. "The game will consist of three short but difficult contests where individual members of each team must compete for fabulous prizes. Whichever team wins two or more contests will win our grand prize, a hundred thousand credits and the mysterious Star of Destiny! Not even I know what this thing's deal is!" The audience laughed. "That wasn't a joke." They stopped. "Anyway, our first contest will be decided by spinning the Big Ol' Roulette of Fate!" he said, gesturing to a huge roulette wheel set on the floor that had numerous challenges written on its spokes. A pair of lovely three-eyed assistants manned it.
They pulled a lever, causing the wheel to spin. "Roulette of Fate, spin, spin, spin, tell us what our contestants have to win!" A ball dropped from the ceiling and landed in the roulette, getting caught in its rotation as the wheel slowed down. The ball landed in a niche at the base of the middle tower, right within a spoke that said 'Trinity Trivia.' "And it looks like our first challenge is Trinity Trivia!" Chip proclaimed. The audience cheered. "Now, will the most knowledgeable players each approach the podiums?" he asked as three podiums raised from the ground. Each had a buzzer and a score display. (Like the ones in Earth game shows, but cooler looking.)
Sparky, Finder, and Hamsterviel all approached the podiums. "Now, in this contest, you will have to answer random questions about life, the universe, and everything. Whoever buzzes first and gets the answer right scores a point. Whoever scores three points wins the contest for their team. Let's begin!" Dramatic music played as spotlights focused on the three players. A card slid out of a dispenser on Chip's hand. "First question: Which planet of the Shorca system is origin of the Whark race?"
Hamsterviel's paw hit the buzzer faster than even Sparky could have imagined. "The fifth."
"Correct! One point to Mr. Gerbilwheel!" The crowd applauded. Sparky and Finder glared at their foe, vowing to hit the buzzer before he did. "Second question: What-" Sparky hit the buzzer. "Yes, Parx?"
Sparky started to answer, only to realize he had no idea what the question was. "Uh…3?"
"I'm sorry, that's…WRONG!" The audience booed Sparky. Finder patted his back sympathetically. "Now, as I was saying: What is the name for the fifth life-cycle of the Glorbian Plineworm?"
Hamsterviel hit the buzzer. "Trick question, the Plineworm only has three life-cycles, then it dies."
"Correct!" The crowd applauded as Hamsterviel's score went up. "Third question: what is the middle name of our former esteemed Grand Councilwoman?"
Finder quickly hit the buzzer while Hamsterviel was trying to remember the answer. "Trick question, she doesn't have a middle name!"
"That is absolutely CORRECT!" Finder's score went up one point. "So our current score is Parx 0, Swami 1, Gerbilwheel 2. This next question could decide the contest and reveal who wins our first prize." Another card slid into his hand. "Who is the most recent descendant of Adolf the Really Evil, the most feared dictator in galactic history?"
The experiments stared at him blankly. They had never heard of an Adolf the Really Evil. Jumba had neglected to teach them history back at the lab. Hamsterviel buzzed in. "That cunningly evil (and oh-so-handsome rogue) Jacques van Hamsterviel"
"CORRECT!" There was lots of applause, music, and confetti. "Congratulations Team Gerbilwheel, you've won our first prize! Tell them what it is, Bobbo!"
"With pleasure! Team Gerbilwheel, you've won…a BRAND NEW CAR!" The spotlights focused on a sweet new space cruiser, done in stylish black and white.
"My Stitch Machine is better," Stitch muttered.
As the fanfare died down, Chip took the stage again. "We'll be right back with our next contest, after these messages!"
…
Deep underground, a pair of robot guards defended a hallway extending from an elevator to a large vault door. They were programmed to defend the vault with their artificial lives. Nothing could distract them from their duty. Or so they thought…
With a ding, the elevator opened. The robots looked up. To their confusion, the elevator was empty. They walked over to take a look. Inside there was an object lying on the ground. "Hey, it's the new issue of Playbot!" said one guard, picking it up.
"Let me see that." The second guard tried to grab the magazine from his coworker.
As the two fought over the sordid magazine, an invisible figure planted devices on their backs and moved away. Seconds later, the timers on the EMP charges went off, knocking out the guards. The invisible figure then ran down the hall, inputted a code in a nearby keypad, and slipped through the vault door.
…
"And we're back! Last time, Team Hamsterwheel won a new car. I wonder what fabulous prizes the other teams can win!" said Chip.
"Only one way to find out, Chip," said the announcer.
"That's right! Spin the wheel, ladies!" The assistants pulled the lever, starting the wheel. A ball fell from above and got caught in the wheel's rotations. "Roulette of Fate, spin, spin, spin, tell us what our contestants have to win!" The ball stopped on 'Blargarian Battle'. "And it looks like our next challenge is the Blargarian Battle!" There were many gasps from the crowd.
"What's the Blargarian Battle?" whispered Stitch to Sparky.
He shrugged. "I dunno."
"Will the strongest members of each team please step forward?" asked Chip. Stitch, Angel, and Gantu came over as a teleporter lowered from the ceiling. "This teleporter will take you to our Blargarian Battle Arena, where you must defeat a ravenous, slavering, homicidal, and somewhat horny Blargarian Snagglebeast. Whoever beats their Snagglebeast the fastest wins the challenge for their team and gets a fabulous prize. Brunhilda, since your team won last time, you go first."
Looking uncertain, Gantu stepped into the teleporter and vanished. A big hologram popped up, showing Gantu stepping out of a teleporter in a lava-filled chamber with several platforms connected by rickety stone bridges and a large portcullis against one wall. "This can't be too hard. All the times I wrestled with the trog have given me lots of experience fighting. This Snagglebeast can't be too bad in comparison." The portcullis raised, and a monster twice Gantu's size stepped into the arena. It had orange fur with white stripes covering its body, a mouth filled with tusks and fangs, glowing blue eyes, bat wing ears, and very big claws. It roared, causing the cavern to shake and rocks to fall from the ceiling. Gantu paled. "Oh blitznag."
The following scene was so horrific that it was censored out on the hologram. All that could be heard were horrific screams, roars, and Gantu yelling "THAT DOESN'T GO THAT WAY!" After five minutes of gut-wrenching sounds, a very mangled Gantu stumbled out of the teleporter, his muumuu in tatters, spouting gibberish. He collapsed, bleeding all over the floor.
Chip winced. "Medic!" A pair of medibots picked up Gantu, put him on a gurney, and carted him off. "Don't worry folks, our medical and psychiatric facilities will have him fully healed from both the physical and mental trauma by the time we finish our next commercial. Anyway, Titch, it's your turn."
Stitch nodded and stepped into the teleporter, warping into the monster's lair. A new Snagglebeast was waiting for him. The beast stomped over and bellowed right in his face, knocking his glasses off and blowing his ears back. Stitch calmly retrieved his glasses, put his ears back, and then proceeded to beat the shit out of the Snagglebeast. This too, was censored, and after three minutes of hearing graphic violence the hologram showed Stitch picking up the bruised and beaten monster and tossing it into the lava. He wiped his hands and walked back into the teleporter as the audience cheered.
"Amazing! That's a new record, worth a hundred extra credits for the record-breaking team!" said Chip as Stitch appeared back in the studio. "Tell me, how did a little guy like you get so strong?"
"Uh…" Stitch's eyes shifted to his teammates. They mimed flexing their muscles and eating. "I work out a lot and eat my veggies."
Chip would have raised an eyebrow if he had one. "Really? Huh. Well, since our pre-show steroid test came up negative, I have no reason to doubt you." Stitch sighed in relief and headed back to his team. "Now, it's all up to Queen Angedala! Let's see if she can beat Titch's time and win this round's prize!"
"Easily," said Angel as she stepped into the teleporter.
She appeared in the cave. A new Snagglebeast was waiting for her. It roared and stomped over. Angel took out her dagger and stabbed its foot before it attacked. The Snagglebeast stared at her stupidly for a second, then dropped dead from the blade's magic venom. She went back into the teleporter and reappeared in the studio, to the adulation of the crowd. "UNBELIEVABLE! Another new record!" said Chip. "This means your team gets the prize, plus a bonus of a thousand credits for breaking a record for the second time on the same event. Bobbo, tell them what they've won!"
"Thanks to her surprisingly quick victory, Queen Angedala's team has won…an all expenses paid vacation to Paradisia, the galaxy's greatest resort spot!" A hologram popped up to show some of Paradisia's wonders. "On Paradisia, they can enjoy sunbathing on the beach, lava surfing, dragon riding, and so much more. Congratulations, Team Angedala!"
Chip floated up to the camera, grinning as always. "We'll be back with the final contest right after these messages!"
…
Once inside the vault, Dracula (who had been invisible all along) turned on his communicator. "I have breached the fortress. Are the defenses down?"
"Yup!" said Kixx. "Hacker's shut down all the alarms and cameras. All you have to do is go up to that pedestal there, switch the crystals, and get out!"
"Hai." He darted across the room in a mockery of a ninja's stealth run, despite the fact that he was invisible. He reached the pedestal holding the star-shaped crystal and took out his fake. "Tell Houdini to make me visible again." He shimmered and appeared, along with the fake Star, which had been invisible as well. He picked up the true Star and was about to replace it with the fake when suddenly the lights went off. Startled despite his 'training', he dropped the crystals. "What's going on?"
"Sorry, Houdini accidentally hit a switch up here in the security office. Hold on…" said Kixx.
A moment later, the lights came back on. Dracula was about to grab the fake Star when he suddenly realized that he had no idea which one was which anymore. They both looked exactly identical. He closed his eyes and held a wavering finger between the crystals. "Spirits unite!" He spun around once and stopped. He opened his eyes and saw he was pointing at the left Star. Hoping the spirits had chosen correctly, he placed the fake crystal on the pedestal, grabbed the real Star of Destiny, and headed for the exit.
…
"And we have a winner!" cried Bobbo.
The crowd went wild. Slugger had just won the challenge, which was a twisted version of Dance Dance Revolution. (The one on Earth is a downgraded version imported by aliens, the real thing is much more difficult.) Basically, they had to dance on a holographic platform generated by a hovering projector over a pit. The more correct dance steps they copied from the large overhead screens, the closer the projector got to the end of the pit. If they made too many wrong steps or hesitated too long, the projector would lose power and fall into the pit. To make things worse, projectiles were constantly fired at them. Mertle and Clip had never stood a chance, but Slugger was naturally good at dodging stuff and seemed to have a lot of luck when it came to dancing so he made it across safely. This meant Team Seex (or Stitch) was tied with the other teams, meaning they still had a shot at the Star of Destiny.
Chip was clearly impressed by Slugger's skill. "Wow, I haven't seen dancing that good since that group from the Thespus Institute of the Arts came here!"
"So what do I win?" asked Slugger.
"Tell her what she's won, Bobbo!" cried Chip.
"For superb dancing, you've won…a HOME VERSION OF DDR!" A large box landed in front of Slugger. He stared at it. "Just follow the instructions inside to build your own action-packed DDR stage! Some assembly required, parental guidance may be necessary."
Slugger's eye twitched. "That…that's it? I play your stupid dancing game, nearly fall into a pit and get shot at by stupid projectiles, and THIS is what I get?! A version of the same freaking game to play at home?!" Slugger went berserk and started ranting, raving, and yelling incomprehensible gibberish while foaming at the mouth.
Chip stared at him, confused. Stitch walked over to him and whispered, "It's that time of the month."
The robot nodded in understanding. "Well then, with Bindy's victory, all three teams are tied for the grand prize of a hundred thousand credits and the Star of Destiny. And we all know what to do when this happens, folks…that's right, it's TIEBREAKER TIME! So, let's spin the Roulette of Fate one last time and see what our final challenge is." The assistants spun the wheel. A ball dropped from the ceiling. "Roulette of Fate, spin, spin, spin, tell us what our contestants have to win!" The ball stopped on 'Shorty Singing Sensation'. "And it's been decided, folks! Our final challenge will be Shorty Singing Sensation!" There were a lot of cheers for this. Obviously it was a crowd favorite. "Now, will the smallest members of each team come up?" Slugger (who had calmed down), Clip, and Hamsterviel came forward. A stage rose from the floor, with tons of spotlights focused on it. "In this challenge, each of you must sing a song. It can be anything you want. The stage's special sensors will pick up the song's tune and chorus from your brainwaves as you sing the lyrics, playing a complete musical piece for us all to hear. The audience will judge which of you sang the best song," he added as screens appeared in front of the audience members with buttons representing each of the three contestants on them. "So I suggest you do your very best! Bindy, since you won the last round (and have stopped PMSing) you go first."
"Uh, okay." He thought for a minute, then stepped on the stage and started singing.
"When all alone in my chair,
I just go about wishing,
Wanna be strong,
Really wanna be trusted, ahh.
When all alone in my bed,
I just go about yearning.
Wanna be cool,
I also wanna be like him.
But that's not something
That I can do so easily.
This is not simply my way,
My style,
Gotta get a hold of my life!
(I wanna fly high!)
So I can reach the highest of all the heavens.
(Somebody will be waiting for me.)
So I have gotta fly higher!
When all alone in my sleep,
I just go about dreaming.
I see myself there,
Having the same adventure.
If I just follow you,
I will never see the light.
Now's the time to find my way through this life.
Trying so hard to be strong!
(I gotta keep going!)
Everything is a brand new challenge for me.
(I will believe in myself!)
This is the only start for me!
Many friends help me out.
In return I help them. Certain things I can't do.
And there are things that only I can do!
No ones alone!
(I wanna fly high!)
So I can reach the highest of all the heavens.
(Somebody will be waiting for me.)
So I have got to fly higher!" He stopped. The audience clapped, tentatively. The song had really not been that good.
"What was that?" Stitch asked as Slugger came back to the others.
"Oh, Lilo was singing that one day at softball practice a few months ago. Said she heard it in a video game and couldn't get it out of her head. And now I can't get it out of my head," explained Slugger.
"That was crap," Sparky said bluntly.
Slugger nodded. "Lilo said pretty much the same thing."
While they were talking, Clip stepped onto the stage and began her song. She had a little trouble because she was pretending to be a guy, so she kept singing in a rough falsetto voice in an attempt to sound like a man. It just made her song sound really bad.
"I got up my map and
Chose a place I wanted to go.
(Pack up my stuff, set out for adventure.)
I know that your lucky color
Is the cool shade of blue.
(Won't mind painting myself blue for you.)
I guess I'm so easy to understand.
I just do what comes to me naturally!
I do understand the feelings of a Persian Cat.
(But the Sphinx looked so cute I had to shave it.)
He reminds me of parsley when he's standing there.
(Makes me wanna be his speciality.)
I guess I'm just a self-centered girl.
But there are nights where I have trouble sleeping.
Sweet, sweet, you're so sweet!
So many things I want!
Sweet, Sweet, you're so sweet!
I wanna be a wonderful girl.
Sweet, sweet, you're so sweet.
I'm not simple-minded!
Sweet, sweet, you're so sweet!
And I won't be a pearl!" There were only a few cheers for that one. Chip just looked at her strangely as she went back to her teammates, looking embarrassed. He shrugged and called Hamsterviel up to the stage.
"…I didn't get it," Finder confessed.
"I liked the tune, but the lyrics made no sense," Angel agreed.
Clip shrugged. "I heard the song on the salon radio the other day. I didn't get it, but the tune was nice, so I remembered it. It was the only song I could think of," she said apologetically.
Angel sighed. "It's okay Clip, any song you sang probably would have sounded bad with that horrible imitation male voice you used." Clip glared at her. "At least it's gotta be better than whatever Hamsterviel's got, right?"
Hamsterviel immediately proved them wrong as he started singing.
"Whoa, Yeah!
The story begins
With who's gonna win,
Knowing the danger that lies within.
Aboard K39,
A genius at heart.
Wanting to unlock the mysteries of life!
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan.
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan!
I'm plotting my schemes
Wherever I go!
They're perfect in every way!
I love to destroy!
The blue one you know,
He's an obstacle that gets in my way!
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan.
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan!
I must play this game by my rules!
I will conquer the universe with my tools!
All my creations
Are made for destruction!
I will build my empire!
I will deceive,
And you will see,
With my clones
There is no retreat!
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan.
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan!
I am the Enemy!
I must succeed!
My mission, yeah
I must complete!
My name is Hamster.
Don't forget my name!
If you ask me again,
I will tell you the same!
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master plan.
I am the Hamster!
That's what I am.
I am the Hamster!
I've got the master, master, master plan!
I am the Hamster!" He stopped and bowed facetiously as the audience started applauding wildly.
Everyone was stunned. "Hamsterviel can sing?" Gantu asked in astonishment.
"And really well, too," said Mertle, equally astonished.
"Wow, Angel, he's almost as good a singer as you are," said Clip. Angel's eye twitched.
"Well, guess we lose. There's no way the audience will vote for us after that song," said Sparky.
Stitch grinned. "Yeah…but you seem to have forgotten that Kixx's team swapped the Star of Destiny with a fake while we were playing. We win, too."
"Oh yeah…"
Chip quickly took an audience poll and prepared to announce the winner. "Ladies, gentlemen, and things, the winner of tonight's Galactic Showdown, a hundred thousand credits, and the Star of Destiny, iiiiiiiissss…TEAM GERBILWHEEL!"
The crowd cheered again. "Heheh, as if there was ever a doubt," Hamsterviel said happily.
"Sir, where did you learn to sing like that?" asked Gantu.
Hamsterviel chuckled. "Back when I was a teenager, I was a member of a band called The Evil! We were great. The chicks loved us. Then we all grew up and moved on. But I retained my singing voice, and penchant for songwriting. That piece you just heard was H.A.M.S.T.E.R., the song which will be my official anthem once I rule the universe." A platform floated over to him with the Star of Destiny on it. Gleefully, the doctor grabbed it and raised it over his head. "Haha! In your face, 626, 221, 608, 158, 177, and 624! I win! I WIN! HAHAHAHA!" The applause stopped. Everyone stared at him. "…is what I would be saying if I were that incredibly sexy and evil Dr. Jacques Van Hamsterviel. Which I'm not. Heheh."
There was a long pause. Chip shrugged. "Works for me!" The crowd started cheering again. Hamsterviel wiped away some sweat and sighed in relief.
…
A little later, three experiments in disguise joined their friends at a secluded table in the hotel casino's bar. Kixx was wearing a tuxedo that was too small for him and had extra sleeves for his third and fourth arms. He wore a monocle in his right eye, and had what at first glance looked like a white wig on his head but on closer inspection was Houdini curled up. Dracula was wearing a one-piece black suit that covered up his face, extra arms, and wings, making him look even more like a ninja. They sat down at the table.
"So, did he suspect anything?" Kixx asked.
"Nope! They fell for the fake Star hook, line, and sinker," said Finder proudly.
"They were too busy boasting to consider that it might be a fake. And we even played the part of sore losers, too." Stitch screwed up his face in a sour expression and started yelling at an imaginary Hamsterviel. "'You're just lucky there are all these security guards around, or I'd kick your patookie and take back what's mine, gerbilface!' I said to him." They all laughed.
Dracula placed the Star of Destiny on the table. "This has been a great triumph over evil. Let us celebrate!"
"I hear that. Waiter! Get all of us a round of drinks!" Angel called to a nearby waiter.
"Yes ma'am." The waiter bowed and walked off.
As the rest of the experiments laughed and joked, Clip picked up and examined the Star. "Guys, this is a fake."
The others stopped. "What?"
"It's a fake. See, there's this little space back here where they wrote, 'Made in Paradise Vega'," Clip said.
Slugger blinked. "But…if we've got the fake, then that means…oh blitznag."
Finder sniffed the air. "Yes. Hamsterviel's got it."
Dracula bowed his head. "The spirits have betrayed me. I must atone for my failure by committing hara-kiri." He smashed an empty glass on the table and prepared to drive one of the shards into his heart.
Kixx grabbed his arm. "Now, now, no need to kill yourself for something that wasn't your fault. In fact, you probably would have done the Star swap perfectly if a certain someone hadn't hit a switch she had been expressly told not to, ISN'T THAT RIGHT HOUDINI?" he roared, ripping off his 'wig' and holding her up to his face.
Houdini whimpered. "I thought the picture on the switch looked like a pear. I like pears. I thought if I pressed it, I'd get a pear."
Kixx smacked his face and dropped her on the table. "What kind of idiot mistakes a picture of a lightbulb for a pear?"
"A hungry idiot. Do any of you have something to eat?" she asked hopefully. Everyone groaned.
Stitch stood up. "Well, if Hamsterviel's got that Star, then we'd better hurry! We've gotta chase after him before he leaves the station!" The others nodded and followed him out of the hotel.
A minute later, the waiter arrived with the drinks. "Madam, here is your…" he paused, seeing they were all gone. He frowned. "Well, that was certainly rude of them. Oh well, no sense wasting good alcohol." He sat down and started drinking. Nine glasses later, he was roaring drunk and hitting on his manager. He woke up the next morning to find there was somebody else in his bed, but that's a whole other story entirely.
…
Wow, that was long. Hope you enjoyed it, please review.