Chapter three: In Which there is Far too much Pink for Heero's Liking

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"Tickle me again!" –Katie

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"Okay Heero," Duo held out a paper to the stern-eyed pilot. "All you need to do is read the lines I've highlighted for you. I'll handle the rest."

"Aa."

Taking the boy by the shoulders, Duo shook him lightly, ignoring the obligatory death glare that usually followed unwarranted or unnecessary touching. Lowering his voice so that the child curiously peering at them from the other room couldn't catch his words, he added, "And try to relax a little. Maybe put a little effort into the drama? If you're too uptight, the kid's going to get suspicious..."

Heero nodded, his eyes losing their 'Omae o korosu' look.

Zehn lounged back on the couch, trying not to look too interested as he waited. Suddenly, Duo leapt from the doorway into the middle of the room, clapping his hands and startling the apathetic kid. He cleared his throat dramatically, before starting.

"Once there was this little boy out selling oranges in front of a grocery store. As you may know..."

"What was the boy's name?" Zehn interrupted.

"Duo," Duo never lost a beat. "Now, as you may know, independently selling..."

"Why Duo?" Zehn arched a brow in query. "What a weird name."

...

Hidden in the adjoining room, Heero let a rare smirk cross escape his control. Now the kid was in for it. His eyes, iced over from the indignities of what he was suffering, melted ever so slightly as Duo let out a cry with at least four exclamation points and then launched into a short speech about what a wonderful name 'Duo' was. The ice cracked that much more when Duo realized aloud that he'd forgotten to introduce himself to the kid.

The smirk left his lips when he realized Duo had gone into his standard greeting, "That's me in a nutshell" and all. Too late for it now; Duo had given his real name rather than giving an alias. Heero quashed his uneasiness with the situation to the corners of his mind. Now compartmentalized away, it would keep him on his guard, allowing him to remain in top form, but wouldn't occupy his mind to the point of being distracting.

The King of Distracting himself was introducing him now. "And the guy you glomped when you came in earlier was Heero." Heero's eyebrow quirked at the reminder of the occurrence. Duo knew he was listening and was insinuating that he wasn't going to forget...nor let Heero forget...this little incident any time in the near future. He wouldn't be surprised if when they returned from the mission if Wufei and the others jumped at the chance to tease the normally untease-able pilot.

...

"Just Duo?" Zehn almost sounded surprised, and he continued with an intrigued light in his half-lidded eyes. "No title or rank? Most people transferred here already have established some sort of ranking for themselves."

Duo didn't attempt to answer the kid's implied question. "Even yourself? They accepted a little squirt like you in the military? I'm impressed; you must've astounded them with your abilities to, what, tie your own shoelaces?"

Zehn scowled. "I'm not a squirt! My name is Zehn Sinatra Verver, only and son and heir of Commander Verver, the man in charge of this base and your payroll. You can call me Master Zehn, or just Zehn since if you aren't military enough to remember my title. But none of this 'squirt' or 'kid' or 'short fry'!"

"Short...you mean small fry?" Duo looked down into the now fiery blazes of Zehn's eyes.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" Zehn pouted, his anger giving way to a sulk. "Keep it up and Mr. Verver will have you down the hall and outa here before you can say..."

"I think I get the picture," Duo grinned down at Zehn dryly. "Now, can I continue?" He gave his own miniaturized-fits-in-your-pocket version of Heero's Death Glare. "Anywho, independently selling products in front of a grocery without the store-owners permission is illegal. But little Duo stood out there nonetheless shouting out the one word he knew, 'Orangies!'" With this last word, Duo's voice lost its natural timbre, changing into a high pitched squeal to designate the speaking voice of his chibi self.

Zehn's face changed from sullen to an expression of mild interest.

"A man comes up little Duo..."

Duo paused, turning a significant look towards the doorway to the other room.

He coughed loudly, then tried again. "I SAID, 'A man comes up to little Duo...'"

No response.

"HEE-RO!" Duo called sweetly. "That's your cue!"

Heero slunk into view, still not reconciled to the idea entertaining the child.

"A man comes up to little Duo and asks him..." Duo and Zehn looked expectantly towards the Perfect Soldier.

Heero gave one last futile glare at the braided baka, before turning his scorching glare down to the script Duo had scribbled down for him. At least looking at the paper was better than watching the two, evil-on-Duo's-part Heero noted, faces blinking up at him. "What are you selling?"

Duo smiled, completely oblivious-or uncaring- about the monotone Heero had used. His face was scrunched up into a look of complete sugar and innocence. "Orangies!"

Another few degrees more and Heero's eyes would be burning a whole in the paper he was holding. "How much are they?"

Duo's face became innocently confused. He looked around at his present and imaginary audience, as if hoping they could answer the question for him. "Um, orangies?" he tried hopefully.

"No, baka." Duo snorted at Heero's use of improvisation, then returned his features into his overexaggerated look of bewilderment. "If someone asks you what you're selling, tell them 'Oranges'."

"Orangies!" Duo's face cleared of confusion and shone with his original excitement.

"Hn. Then if someone asks you how much they are, you should say, 'Two fifty-five'."

Duo's face screwed up with intense concentration. "Two...fifty...five!"

"Aa. Finally, if you are asked if you want to die from a bullet wound to the head or some other extremity say..."

"Heero! Do it right! Follow the script!"

Heero's glare was back as he rushed through his line. "Andwhensomeoneasksyouwheretheyaresay, 'Overthereinthebox'."

Somehow, Duo had understood him. "O...ver there...in...the box!"

With a grunt, Heero turned to leave room, his only thoughts on escaping this nightmarish dilemma, or at least discovering how to invent a time machine and sending himself to the end of this predicament. Duo picked up where he'd left off with the narration right away. "Soon after, a policeman approached little Duo...after all, it is illegal to sell stuff in front of a store without the permission of the storeowner." Duo turned expectantly towards where Heero had disappeared. "And so this policeman appears..."

Heero stepped back into view with a grimace, not liking the way Duo smirked with enjoyment at his suffering. "And says...?"

The taunt shoulders sagging slightly were all that gave away Heero's sigh of frustration. "What's your name?"

Duo smiled. "Orangies!"

"I'm serious. How old are you?"

"Two...fifty...five!" Duo's smile was as innocent as Quatre's.

Now came the one part Heero liked about this particular joke, and indeed, the only reason he'd agreed to act this out with Duo. "Hey kid, where're your brains?"

"O...ver there...in...the box!"

...

Five minutes later, Zehn finally stopped laughing. "Again!" he demanded.

...

After another six times running through the short skit, even Duo had to admit it no longer was funny anymore. Nor could he keep up his enthusiasm as he continued using his high-pitched voice for the Orangies Kid. And of course, Heero's Death Glare seemed deadlier than usual and starting to make him nervous.

"Hey Zehn," Duo began before the laughing kid could catch his breath enough to demand an encore performance. "Aren't you getting tired of this joke now? Maybe we could do something else?" His voice took on a desperate note with his last words.

"Alright," Zehn broke off his laughter and agreed to this so quickly that Duo had a sinking suspicion he'd just been suckered into something. "Tell me more jokes."

"One more." Duo looked at Heero gratefully.

"Aww..." Zehn began whining, a pout already forming on his lips. He was going to say more when he took in Heero's expression and something seemed to click in his mind. "...Fine." (A/N: This never works for me...wish I had a bottle of Heero's Death Glare...)

"Alright, now let me think of a good one..." Duo began.

To his surprise, Heero gave him the idea. "Duo, tell him...the Pink joke. I'm sure he will...enjoy it." Duo's face looked questioningly at his normally silent friend, and then the mental light bulb flicked on as what he'd suggested suddenly clicked.

"Oh yeah! The Pink Joke! The one you and Wufei loved so much..." Duo faded off into his mischievous smirk as he recalled the memory. Duo turned to face the kid who was trying his best not to appear curious. "Wufei 'loved' the joke so much, that it's the only joke I ever tell around him."

Zehn's interest doubled and he leaned forward excitedly. "Tell it, tell it!"

"Well," Duo began in his normal dramatic flair. Heero's eyes glinted with something that strangely resembled triumph.

"There was this man, say- shall we call him Heero? driving along a highway. All of a sudden, his truck's engine gives a cough and he stalls. He takes a look under the hood, but he doesn't know what to do with it." Heero snorted. After turning incredulously widened eyes on his friend-after all, how often does the Great Heero Yuy snort? Duo returned to his story. "As he's looking around in despair, he notices a house off in the distance and starts walking towards it. As he comes close, he sees it's a large house that's completely pink- pink windows, pink doors, pink paint job, pink everything."

Heero's lips twitched downwards slightly at the thought of being surrounded by so much pink, but he allowed his partner to continue.

"He goes up the pink stairs and knocks on the pink door. A minute later, he hears footsteps and the door opens. And in front of him is this Old Pink Lady. Seriously, everything about her is pink- pink hair, pink skin, pink clothes, pink everything. Getting over his surprise..."

"Revulsion," Heero coolly corrected.

Duo's eyes laughed as he continued. "...he told the elderly lady the predicament. 'My car's just broken down on the highway; I was wondering if I could call a toe truck with your telephone.' 'Why, of course!' the Pink Lady says. 'Just go down this pink hallway, take the first left and you'll find yourself at some pink stairs. Take those pink stairs down a flight and you'll find yourself in my pink kitchen. The pink telephone is next to the pink oven on the pink counter.' So Heero follows the Pink Lady's instructions; he goes down the pink hallway, takes the first left, follows the pink stairs down for a flight, and in the pink kitchen he finds the pink phone on the pink counter next to the pink oven just like the lady said."

"So, Heero makes his phone call and then heads back to the front door. He goes out of the pink kitchen, up a flight of pink stairs, takes the first right and then goes down the pink hallway to find the Pink Lady still at the front door. Heero says to the Pink Lady, 'Thank you for the use of your phone. When I called the tow truck, they said they couldn't get here until tomorrow. I was wondering if you would allow me to sleep here tonight?' 'Of course, of course,' the Pink Lady replied with a smile. 'Just go back down this pink hallway, take the second right, go up a flight of pink stairs. You'll find yourself in another pink corridor. Behind the first door on your left is another flight of pink stairs. Don't take the stairs, but just under the stairs is a pink doorway. Go through that door to find the spare pink bedroom.' So Heero goes back down the pink hallway, takes the second right, goes up the flight of pink stairs, opens the first door on his left, and enters the pink door under the pink stairs.

"He finds himself in a completely pink bedroom. Every direction he looks he sees pink- pink sheets, pink pillows, pink curtains, pink everything. He fights down-yes, his nausea," Duo emphasized with a glance at Heero. Heero's smirk reappeared. "But in the end, he lays down on the pink bed and goes to sleep. The next morning, he neatly makes the pink sheets and pink comforter, exits the pink room, goes through the pink door, heads down a flight of pink stairs, turns left down the pink hallway, takes the first right, goes down another flight of pink stairs and finds himself in the pink kitchen. By the pink stove is the Pink Lady cooking pink oatmeal. Being the gentleman he is," Duo paused to cough, which suspiciously sounded like a 'Not!' "Heero says, 'Thank you for letting me spend the night.' 'No problem!' the Pink Lady smiles at him. 'Would you like some pink oatmeal?' 'Yes, thank you.' 'Would you like some pink raisins on your pink oatmeal?' 'Yes please,' Heero replies. He eats his breakfast, the tow truck arrives and Heero leaves."

Duo took a deep breath. Heero's eyes slid over to the boy sharing the couch with him, watching for his reaction. "Later that day, there is this man Heero driving along the highway. All of a sudden, his truck's engine gives a cough and he stalls. He takes a look under the hood, but he doesn't know what to do with it. As he's looking around in despair, he notices a house off in the distance and starts walking towards it. As he comes close, he sees it's a large house that's completely pink- pink grass, pink roofing, pink siding, pink everything."

"He goes up the pink stairs and knocks on the pink door. A minute later, he hears footsteps and the door opens. And in front of him is this Old Pink Lady. Seriously, everything about her is pink- pink face, pink hands, pink dress, pink everything. Getting over his revulsion..." Heero nodded with a smirk.

"...he told the elderly lady the predicament. 'My car's just broken down on the highway; I was wondering if I could call a toe truck with your telephone.' 'Why, of course!' the Pink Lady says. 'Just go down this pink hallway, take the first left and you'll find yourself at some pink stairs. Take those pink stairs down a flight and you'll find yourself in my pink kitchen. The pink telephone is next to the pink oven on the pink counter.' So Heero follows the Pink Lady's instructions; he goes down the pink hallway, takes the first left, follows the pink stairs down for a flight, and in the pink kitchen. Everything in this kitchen is pink- pink counters, pink sink, pink mugs, pink everything. And on the pink counter next to the pink oven is the pink phone just like the Pink Lady said."

"So, Heero makes his phone call and then heads back to the front door. He goes out of the pink kitchen, up a flight of pink stairs, takes the first right and then goes down the pink hallway to find the pink lady still at the front door. Heero says to the Pink Lady, 'Thank you for the use of your phone. When I called the tow truck, they said they couldn't get here until tomorrow. I was wondering if you would allow me to sleep here tonight?' 'Of course, of course,' the Pink Lady replied with a smile. 'Just go back down this pink hallway, take the second right, go up a flight of pink stairs. You'll find yourself in another pink corridor. Behind the first door on your left is another flight of stairs. Don't take the stairs, but just under the stairs is a pink doorway. Go through that door to find the spare bedroom.' So Heero goes back down the pink hallway, takes the second right, goes up the flight of pink stairs, opens the first door on his left, and enters the pink door under the pink stairs.

"He finds himself in a completely pink bedroom. Every direction he looks he sees pink- pink dresser, pink carpet, pink comforter, pink everything. He fights down his nausea but in the end, he lays down on the pink bed and enters pink dreams. The next morning, he neatly makes the pink bed, exits the pink room, goes through the pink door, heads down a flight of pink stairs, turns left down the pink hallway, takes the first right, goes down another flight of pink stairs and finds himself in the pink kitchen. By the pink stove is the pink lady cooking pink oatmeal. Being the gentleman he is, Heero says, 'Thank you for letting me spend the night.' 'No problem!' the Pink Lady smiles at him. 'Would you like some pink oatmeal?' 'Yes, thank you.' 'Would you like some pink raisins on your pink oatmeal?' 'Yes please,' Heero replies. He eats his breakfast, the tow truck arrives and Heero leaves."

Duo was breathing deeply, trying to catch his breath. The second round through he'd sped up, kicking up dust and leaving Zehn with a starting-to-be-confused expression on his face. He took one more gulp of air, then with an evil grin, continued with his joke.

"Later that day..."

........

I was working at the used bookstore today when one of the customers laughed at something I said and called me "woman". I couldn't help myself- all I could picture was Wufei with all his cliched goodness and his exclamations of "onna". Oddly enough, it really made my day. Gundam Wing has that effect on me...

I was editing through an earlier version of this, when I realized the two parties had never been introduced. Personally, I hate introductions, especially if they're anything along the lines of "Oh and by the way? My name is Barf and Ralph". Too cliché for me and in nearly every bad crossover fic I've ever read. Alas. So, I tried introducing peeps with something different. And am happy how it turned out- I got to develop Heero's character and have more insights to his thoughts than originally. He just sorta spilled over. Happiness!

Hee hee! Have shrinky dink Hee-chan, Duo-bat, Kat, and Tro. Just gotta get one of Wuffie. Kawaii! They're all chibified in their jams...If I knew where all my reviewers (Thank you, Ashe Nightinagle, DarkAngel-Lily, and RikoRishodeathangeloflight) lived, I'd send you all one. They're so cute and fun to make! (runs away to huggle Hee-chan and pumpkins that are still dead/dying)

Lily Avalon: Aww...I feel so loved. I've been using personal experiences with kids and my own childhood bits for this fic. Hope you love your Duo-bat!

Bunny: Urgh. Lo siento. I've been a nanny for the past three summers so I feel your pain, darlin'. Too often kid=brats.

Starhopper: Just wait till you see how Trowa turned out! But Duo's wing wants to fall off...methinks I'll have to remake him...

Heh, heh, heh. How many of you actually read it all? (Evil grinnings) And can anyone guess how many times I used the word pink?