You don't want me to. Well, he didn't, did he? He didn't want to see Malfoy ever again. He'd been praying for Malfoy to leave him alone ever since their first kiss in the Potions classroom. And now he had said he would. It was exactly what Ron wanted, right? But then why had he had to reach out and grab Malfoy's arm and ask him "why"? If this was what he wanted, why had his first impulse been to pull Malfoy back to him? And why did he feel so hollow now?
When Malfoy had first approached him in Potions, giving him the choice between snogging him or facing Snape's wrath, he had assumed that Malfoy knew, somehow, and was taunting him. He had stayed up for hours that night, and for many nights after, wondering where he had slipped up, what clue had he given to his true feelings—wondering how many other people suspected it, and how he could convince Malfoy it wasn't true.
And trying not to think about how much he wanted Malfoy to kiss him again.
Before that kiss, it had just been a minor, passing attraction—not even a crush. Malfoy was attractive—no one could deny that. An annoying, pathetic, stuck-up, bigoted git, but good-looking one nonetheless. But there were plenty of other, equally attractive and nicer people in the school. Lavender, for instance, or Parvati or Hannah or… Heck, even Dean, though Ron would sooner face a room filled with Death Eaters than admit that he found Dean even remotely attractive.
But at least Dean wasn't Malfoy. Of course, he also had to live with Dean, since they were in the same dorm, and he usually spent most of his time around Dean focusing on not looking at the other boy. Malfoy, at least, he could stare at under the guise of glaring, but that was just looking, and there wasn't anything wrong with looking. It wasn't like he'd actually had any real feelings for Malfoy before.
Until Malfoy had kissed him, and now he couldn't get the boy off his mind. Okay, he'd never been able to get the boy off his mind, but before it had always been 'that stuck-up, evil, slimy git, I wish he'd just die,' not 'that stuck-up, sexy, evil, wonderful boy, I wonder if he's part veela—not that it matters, because I hate him….'
Now he went to bed thinking about Malfoy and wondering what that kiss had meant, slept dreaming of how wonderful it would be to kiss him again and … other things he'd rather not think about, woke longing to see him again, ate meals facing away from him so he wouldn't accidentally glance up at him and end up staring, only to catch himself turning around to look anyways, sitting through the classes he had with Malfoy and trying desperately to focus in the teacher, not the blond boy across the room, and daydreaming about the boy throughout all the classes they didn't share.
Of course, Ron had also been doing his best to avoid Malfoy, mostly because he really wasn't sure he trusted himself in a confrontation. He had a rather horrid image of attacking Malfoy only to find himself snogging the bastard, and it wasn't like he could trust the boy to stop him anymore. But then he'd screwed up and let Malfoy catch him—in the changing room, of all places. After that, Ron had begun to wonder if there was more to Malfoy's motives than merely taunting him. It had even occurred to him that perhaps Malfoy was genuinely attracted to him, and he had been more relieved than alarmed when Pansy Parkinson had approached him and warned him that Malfoy intended to rape him.
If Malfoy wasn't actually attracted to him, that made things a lot easier. He might not be sure how he felt about Malfoy, but he knew he didn't want to be raped. He had figured that Malfoy had intended to rape him that time in the changing room and had simply chickened out or something. The question was whether the kiss in Potions had also been part of Malfoy's plan to rape him—and if that meant that Malfoy didn't know Ron's secret after all. Not that it made it any easier to control his feelings, but at least there was a chance they weren't reciprocated, which meant he didn't have to worry about what he'd do if Malfoy genuinely liked him. It was one thing to know his feelings were wrong and he didn't have a chance anyways; if he was faced with the opportunity to make everything he wanted so badly a reality … he wasn't sure he could turn away, even if it was Malfoy.
The incident in the library only been more confusing, since Malfoy couldn't possibly intend to actually rape him there, but he had assumed that the boy was playing with him or something.
And then Draco had approached him after Defence Against the Dark Arts, offering friendship and that lame excuse for his action—did he honestly expect Ron to believe that he'd been dared to 'molest a Gryffindor three times'?—and Ron now didn't know what to make of Malfoy's actions.
When Malfoy had told him to meet him by the lake, he'd agreed mostly because if he didn't, someone might have come along and found them talking, which he really didn't want to have to explain—especially since Malfoy would probably have taken the liberty to 'explain' by snogging him again. He had then had to wait for almost ten minutes for the Fat Lady return from wherever she'd gone off to and had spent that time debating whether or not to actually meet Malfoy. Logic and common sense told him he shouldn't, but the rest of his senses had told him he should. And it had been the rest of his senses that had ultimately won.
But they'd gone to that room and had almost been having fun while he taught Malfoy to play chess, and then they'd kissed and… What? He wasn't entirely sure what had really happened. Just that Malfoy had suddenly gone cold and had told him to get lost.
Looking up, Ron realized that he'd come to the entrance to Gryffindor common room. "Loin's breath," he muttered, and the portrait swung open. Inside, all his Housemates were working on homework or sitting around and talking. Harry and Hermione were sitting in their usual spot by the fire, doing homework. Harry looked up as he sat down next to him.
"So, how is it outside?"
"What—oh, yeah. Um…" Right, he'd told them he'd gone outside to get some fresh air. "Outside. Yeah, it was … nice."
"Must have been," Hermione commented without looking up from her schoolwork. "You were only gone for three hours."
"Er…"
"You missed the entire meeting," she informed him.
Ron swallowed guiltily, scrambling for an explanation. It wasn't like he could tell her he'd blown off a meeting of Dumbledore Army—which they had reformed this year at Dumbledore's suggestion—so he could play chess with Malfoy. "I—"
"Hermione," Harry cut in. "He's been under a lot of stress lately—we all have. Cut him some slack."
"Just make sure you're at the next one," she snapped.
"Promise," Ron said. After all, why wouldn't I be? It's not like Malfoy'll be bothering me anymore. "So, what happened?"
"Nothing important enough to bother you," Hermoine snapped curtly, but Harry was smiling.
"Well, first Neville almost blew up Hermione when he finally managed that reflecting shield spell I showed you last night…"
"You should have been there," Seamus said, grinning broadly.
"Yeah," Dean agreed. "It was pretty spectacular."
Neville was blushing. "I—I didn't mean to…"
"Oh shut up," Hermoine snapped. "I just got a little distracted, that's all."
"And then, Professor Dumbledore showed up to see how we were doing and…."
Ron relaxed, listening as his friends told him all about everything he'd missed, and forgetting all about Malfoy, at least for the time being.
A/N: Princess Orli: I think this gives a little insight into Ron's POV. Kashiaga: Well, I hope you keep reading anyway... :P Amanda-panda161: Yeah, how will I get them together? Luckily, I have a wonderful beta who's helped me figure that out--unless things spin wildly out of my control, which is always a possible. As to the rating, I've been meaning that... thanks for reminding me. :D And to Orange: Thanks for helping me figure out Ron's PoV and the plot (sort of).
I'm really unsure of this chapter. I'm not sure whether I spent too much or too little time going over Ron's PoV. I'm not really sure if I explained everything clearly enough. So please, please, please tell me what you think.