Aim, snap, fall
The bitter wind weaved its way
through the trees so tall.
Colors invading sight,
I think I've found my new addiction tonight.
The phone call
left me paralyzed from the waist down;
the pureness of it all.
& then your siren began to sing.
I know this may be redundant,
but I think it bares repeating --
I think I've found my other half.
I swear I've found my better half.
I think I've found my other half.
I swear I've found my better half.
I think I've found my other half.
I swear I've found my better half.
Here we go.
There were many things in the world that Hatake Kakashi was unsure about. Why he had kissed Haruno Sakura on that gorgeous spring evening was not one of them. The trees had glowed ethereally in front of the sunset, red and orange, interrupting the landscape. Nothing was more beautiful to him than how the short pink locks of her well-kempt hair contrasted with the sun, descending in the picturesque sky like fire. Pink on red. Red on black. His gaze. Her emerald eyes returning it. It wasn't a decision that he had consciously made. In that very scene, in the roles they played, he had to kiss her.
She kissed him back.
She kissed him back, slowly at first, blindly. Knowing she wanted it as much as he did. Realizing it then and there, just realizing it. Something inside of her activated and her frantic eyes snapped shut, reaching her free arm blindly above her to take hold of his smooth silver hair, entangling her fingers in it as they continued to kiss. There was no rhythm; no sense to it all. There were simply two people who could not stand to let the moment pass by without relishing it, acting on it, soaking up its worth and all the desire involved. Simply put, they were lost for a moment in time. A few moments, as they did not simultaneously break the kiss until a good minute and a half into it. They seemed to have both realized what they were doing at the very same time.
He pulled back quickly, eyes wide, breath jagged. She twisted slightly to the right, closing her lips, green eyes burning. They could have melted the sun itself with the electricity and heat amidst their stare.
And she had never looked so beautiful.
As Kakashi sat at the bar of a backstreets Konoha café, sipping a tall glass of sake and paying vague attention to the unenthusiastic rock n' roll band playing monotonously to his left, he found himself wondering why her pleading eyes filled with tears as she scrambled to her feet and ran away into the night twenty four hours ago. He knew that it wasn't the lack of chemistry between them that scared her off. It was just the opposite. She was terrified of what they had progressed into. After being hurt by Sasuke so many times, he knew that she could not trust the fact that he wasn't exactly like him. He recalled how she had told him of the time Sasuke kissed her on her back porch one summer night, unexpectedly and without logical reason. She had enough hope in her heart to fill the night sky a thousand times, but the very next day, he wrote it off as if nothing happened. She had since learned that a kiss did not mean a lifetime of promises, nor was it a contract to secure a relationship.
Several months ago, Sakura had told Kakashi that she was never going to give up on Sasuke, even if he was toying with her. Even if he only wanted her for something in the far future – a way to reproduce, to continue his beloved Uchiha clan. While she had existed for so long believing that he'd want to find love someday eventually as well; that he had the potential in his heart to need and be needed by a significant other, her hopes were shattered on the night Kakashi found her outside, crying for the sullen boy, screaming his name into the night. She asked questions into the rain and collapsed. He could always do that to her. She was so vulnerable when it came to him.
Secretly, Kakashi had begun to consider his former student somewhat of a hypocrite. He was dead-set on getting revenge on his brother, who had slaughtered his entire family and severely mindfucked him on many occasions. But wasn't what he was doing to Sakura also a ruthless game, a hurtful ambiguity, a mindfuck? He had been toying with her emotions for five years. If he wasn't, he would have simply told her straight that he did not want her the way she wanted him. He would put it into words for her. Instead of being silent and making her suffer. Instead of kissing her in the moonlight because he'd 'felt like it.'
Slamming down the drink that he held a millimeter from his lips, Kakashi rested his elbows on the grainy wooden bartop and ran a hand through his hair. The man behind the counter, short and stocky with a comb-over, laughed heartily at a sleazy joke that a trashy woman two seats away had told. He must figure he's getting laid tonight, Kakashi thought bitterly, disapproving of the general status of humanity. Glancing through the strands of silver that fell in front of his eyes in his slouched state, he let out a pained sigh and pushed his empty glass away. As the band finished playing their last song, he heard the stoned-looking lead vocalist audibly express a "thank you" to the listeners, some clapping wholeheartedly from their haphazardly arranged seats. Looking over his shoulder, he saw parties of men and women at tables behind him, their bouncing hair and enthusiastic demeanors. He wondered how they could be so naïve, living sheltered 9-to-5 lifestyles as vendors or cashiers, teachers or homemakers. There was never any crime or hardship on the streets of Konoha. ANBU took care of all of it. Ninja cleaned up around the edges.
There was not a year that had passed in Kakashi's life that he had not witnessed death, suffering, irreversible trauma. He had seen vengeful missing-nin traipse around the city, taking women and children hostage. He witnessed an outlaw slowly sever a baby's head as its mother was tied to a tree in front of them. The fact that her own child's blood stained her calm white dress made him run behind the back of a building and vomit. There was no need for things like that in the world. Naruto was always spouting his mouth off about 'his way of the ninja,' a young man finding his own definition to suit his needs. Well, ending some of the unnecessary madness was Kakashi's way of the ninja. He did not want to witness pain and anguish, especially not to the innocent. It was his duty to kill and be killed, but he was upholding a legend behind him that told everyone he encountered that he wasn't simply an average jounin. Nearly everyone who was unfortunate enough to fight him knew of his name, his reputation, his skill. His sharingan. There wasn't a single person on this green earth that he would back down to. But there he was, drowning himself in alcohol over one of his former students running from a romantic advance he pulled on her. He felt so pathetic. Copy Ninja Kakashi, king of the lechers. Put that in your Bingo Book.
Making sure to pull a few coins out of his pocket as a due tip for Mr. Comb-over, he stood up and made his way to the door. Taking hold of the rusted metal handle, the entryway opened with a creak that symbolized the need for oiled hinges. He could feel the burning eyes on him from behind his back. They all noticed his uniform, his mask, his crooked forehead protector. None of them could see what lied beneath it, but he could sense that they noticed his sharingan as well. Permanent. The mark of a man battlescarred. His life would never be normal. He would never exist peacefully, conduct a daily job, or even have a normal relationship. Especially not the latter. It was suddenly hard to breathe in the room that smelled of cigarettes and bitter naïveté.
Once onto the streets, he thrust his hands into his pockets and prepared himself for a long walk home in the unforgiving night. Everything was black above him, not even the moon graced him with its presence. Lazily dragging his feet in an uncharacteristic fashion, Kakashi inhaled a long, hard breath, searched in the sky for a break in the clouds, and walked home like nothing mattered.
Her feet stayed glued to the floor as if they were nailed in place. No matter how badly she wanted to stand up, run out of the house with a doorslam, and trudge her way to Kakashi's – she just couldn't do it. More than anything in the world, she wanted to fall into his arms and ask him what he's been doing all this time, how he's truly feeling, and why he wasn't there before. She wanted to look him in the eye once again. She wanted to feel his wanting stare. When she was under his training, there was no way he would have ever looked at her that way, with such desire that it alone could have moved mountains without making a sound. No, he just saw her as a student back then. A silly little girl with nothing on her mind but a raven-haired boy who wouldn't pay attention to her. He must've really made me inaccessible to others, she thought to herself. No one wanted me because I had my heart set on...
Lifting her head up and gasping quietly, it all began to make sense to her, the reason why he waited until she had given up on him. Not only was she older, she also realized her inability to make Sasuke fall in love with her, which gave Kakashi the go-ahead to admit his feelings for her in some form of another. But what if he doesn't even feel anything for me at all? What if, like Sasuke, he simply kissed me because it seemed like an interesting thing to try? What if he was too 'in the moment' to think clearly? Her thoughts were slowly yet surely eating her alive. There was nothing she could do but ask him. See what he meant by his actions. Figure something tangible out of this unbelievable occurrence.
But first she had to get out of her room.
Falling back onto her princess-pink comforter, her hair seemed to blend in directly as it fanned out around her head. Closing her eyes and sighing, she realized that no matter how long she waited, she was never going to find love until she put her trust in others. Simply because she had one bad experience did not mean it would happen again, after all. For all she knew, Kakashi's intentions could have been pure – he really could have wanted her. But why would he? Realizing she was being too negative, she violently flipped over onto her side, opening her eyes and staring at nothing.
She figured that because he was much older than she, he would want someone more mature. She cried all the time, that was a given. Tears like rain that overflowed down her pale cheeks and made circular crimson marks on her red dress. No matter how badly she tried controlling her emotions, she always transgressed the ninja code and became a sobbing wreck in any situation at all. That was unattractive. She knew it all too well. She understood her inner hankering for pulling pranks on people. She valued her explosive temper. But those were all marks of a child, of someone who does not deserve to be seen with an elite and accomplished ninja such as Kakashi. What does he see in me? Kicking her legs up onto her bed, she straightened herself out and took a mental note of the fact that she'd never truly find out unless she asked. So ask, dammit.
She shifted and hopped off of her bed, heading for the door.
Kakashi's room was cold and slightly breezy. The pitch black fan whirring overhead alluded to warm summer rather than tense spring. For some reason, he'd always preferred chilly to scorching. Maybe it was because of the fact that he'd always worn a mask around. With more layers over the skin, things become hotter in general.
He sat down in his stoic leather rocking chair, pewter in the dim light. It made a slight creaking noise as he barely kicked his legs to move it back and forth. There was something calming about having a tumultuous mind on a moderate night with the steady hum of a fan and the annoying creak of a chair keeping you company. In any other circumstances, he'd have hated it. There was always something breaking his precious silence.
Without warning, he stood up. Taking several lazy steps to his sound system, he put a finger to the power button and slid it over to 'play.' He didn't know what was loaded, nor did he care. Music to fill the emptiness was all that mattered in that moment. When the opening notes started leaking out of the speakers, he turned around and walked back to his chair, socked feet padding onto shining wooden floor. Just as he was ready to take a seat once more, three knocks rang into the night. Someone was at his door.
Could it be...? His mind wanted it to be true, but his heart forced him to assume otherwise. After all, it could be any number of people. Gai, for example. Oh, how he would have hated hearing his cheerful, eccentric voice at that moment, screaming at the top of his retro lungs about how 'hip' he was for staying alone on a Saturday night. No, he had best assume it was someone else.
Unbolt. Grab. Turn. Swing open. A flash of pink and red. Sakura.
It was her.
"Kakashi."
The gentle crone of a female vocalist came through his speakers just then, as perfect as timings can be. His name on her lips and the hopeful beats behind him willed him to say nothing at all, to simply back up and let her in. Maybe she would take a seat on her own. Maybe she would do all the talking for him. She was the one who ran away, after all.
Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me?
& dear my love, haven't you longed to be free?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you.
& at sweet night, you are my own.
Take my hand.
She moved out of the doorway and into the center of the room, firing her brilliant emerald gaze across the area. "Kakashi, I need to talk to you. Please."
He sat down in the chair, the leather emitting a slight creak. She took this as a signal to speak. "I'm sorry."
She acted like she wanted to say more but simply stopped at that. He looked up, appearing moderately curious. All he wanted was to stare at her and never looked away. He caught her eye. He looked away. Creak.
We're leaving here tonight.
There's no need to tell anyone,
they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light
we'll be halfway to anywhere,
where love is more than just your name.
Taking a deep breath, she focused her gaze on his knees and started once more. "I'm sorry for acting so rashly last night. I didn't... mean to run away, that was very rude of me. I was just so surprised. And..." Looking over at him, she saw that he was staring down at something. Realizing that it was probably an embarrassing to subject to tackle, she decided to divert from it. "...and I just wanted to say that it wasn't you. I would've ran from anyone. My heart doesn't know what to think when people kiss me. My mind tells me two things, it's like an inner battle. I didn't... want to get hurt again. But I wasn't offended, if that's what you've been thinking. If you even care anymore." She inhaled once again and looked up. "Do you care?"
Eyes still averted, Kakashi sat in silence for a few moments before replying. "Of course I do. I don't kiss people I don't care about, especially if it could jeopardize a friendship I value." Sighing deeply, he rubbed his face with both of his hands out of stress, confusion, and God knows what else. He was never good with awkward situations.
I have dreamt of a place for you and I.
No one knows who we are there.
All I want is to give my life only to you.
I've dreamt so long, I cannot dream anymore.
Let's run away, I'll take you there.
Sakura began to speak once more, not entirely finished with what she had to say. While she was expecting more of a conversation, she felt that she was finally starting to break through the uneasiness, which was certainly progress. "So you care about me, then?"
He blinked. "Yes."
"Even when you're fully aware of my immaturity, my uneasiness, my position as your former student..." She lingered on this one for a second, realizing its realities and what people would think of the two of them. "...my ever-broken heart, my foolhardy actions, and even my indecision... you still care about me?"
He wanted to tell her that she was very mature for her age and that he'd have mistook her for someone of his own if he hadn't trained her, which was well in the past. He wanted to let her know that broken hearts can be healed by love, that mistakes can be learned from, and that throughout everything, she was one of the most beautiful, pure-hearted souls he'd ever encountered. He wanted to spill his heart to her, letting her know that her name rang true for five straight years -- She was a true spring flower, blossoming into one of the most wonderful human beings on this little planet. But he couldn't say it, any of it. "I cannot change the way I feel. If you don't want to contribute your take on the matter, it would really be kind if you would not mention it anymore. We can go back to training as though nothing happened."
We're leaving here tonight.
There's no need to tell anyone,
they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light
we'll be halfway to anywhere,
where no one needs a reason.
Sakura stood up, green eyes ablaze. She looked directly at Kakashi, hiding nothing. Her heart was on her white-bordered sleeve. "I dream about you. I have since that night a week ago. The night Sasuke told me that the only thing on his mind was to avenge his clan and that he would not have a use for me. Not now, not ever. That he'd select someone to help repopulate his clan when the time came and it would help if his choice wasn't in love with him. When I fell asleep in the hospital with you telling me about your mission, I fell into a deep sleep and you were there. Not Sasuke. You." She could feel tears welling up in her eyes, leaning her body into every emotional word she uttered. He continued to look down, more out of surprise than shame.
"You kissed me in these dreams. In one, you held me close and we watched the stars collide above us. I began to see you as someone I want to be important to. Hell, you've always been someone I've wanted to be important to, even when I was young and still filled with disillusionment that disguised itself as love for Sasuke. While I didn't know it then, I've always wanted you to notice me more than the two boys. I wanted to become stronger so you could compliment me on my techniques and chakra control. I wanted you to tell me I had a bright future ahead of me as a leading female ninja, that I had so much potential. I've always wanted this, Kakashi. I've always... wanted you." Tears were flowing freely now, trailing two glistening lines down her cheeks and neck, into the opening of her shirt. She knew how ridiculous she was sounding and she did not care at all. Though she was coming off as a naïve teenager who had no idea what love or affection was, she just wanted to tell him what she was thinking. She just wanted to get her point across.
Forget this life.
Come with me.
Don't look back, you're safe now.
Unlock your heart.
Drop your guard.
No one's left to stop you.
Kakashi stood up suddenly, walking away from the creaking chair and over to the kitchen counter. He turned his back to her, looking slightly downward. His arms grasped the table edges cleanly, sighing to himself. Isn't this what you want? He asked himself questions over and over, Why aren't you responding to her? He couldn't open his mouth. The guilt over what they already were and what they potentially could be was eating him alive. Teachers were not supposed to get involved with students, former or not. It was a silent 'no-no' that could never get around town. She was still so young.
As if reading his mind, she stated plainly, "I'll be turning eighteen in two weeks."
Forget this life.
Come with me.
Don't look back, you're safe now.
Unlock your heart.
Drop your guard.
No one's left to stop you now...
Walking over to where he stood, she latched her arms around his waist, pressing her face into his back. "I'll be a woman for you. Not a girl. Just tell me you'll have me; that you're not ashamed."
He closed his eyes; even the lights seemed too bright, too demanding. They shone like spotlights on his figure on display. "This wasn't supposed to be this way."
We're leaving here tonight.
There's no need to tell anyone,
they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light
we'll be halfway to anywhere,
where love is more than just your name.
I think this is the longest chapter yet! Thanks for the reviews, everyone. I'm really flattered that so many people want me to keep going. I hope I don't end up disappointing you. :
The song at the beginning was The Spill Canvas' "Aim Snap Fall" and the ending song was the inspiration for this story's title, Evanescence's "Anywhere." It's a beautiful song, I strongly suggest downloading it, even if you don't like their other music.
Anyway, yeah. I think things are starting to get interesting. How about you?
- Mitsuki
