And If By Chance ... By: Samu-chan Rating: PG -13 Warnings: Slavery (Not beating and field working until you die slavery mind you. ^^; ) A/N: I know... it's been like.. years since I updated. I'm shamed yet I'm very proud to give yet another chapter to you. I've had no inspiration until I got to reading once again. ^^

And If By Chance ... You Broke The Ice

I was so happy she was home. She didn't say much about what happened to her. Not to anyone. We had an idea from the bruises, but other than that, she was acting just like her normal self. That kind of scared me. I know Tohru is a big girl. I also know she doesn't like to bother people with her problems.

It's been about a two weeks though. I mean, even I would be different after that experience. She pushes herself to be the same. I can see it in her. I don't even think Yuki sees it. He's the woman chaser. So why doesn't he do something about it? Or yet ... why don't I?

I've repeated it in my head at least a hundred times. She doesn't matter. But then I have my other half ... deep inside always to the opposite. 'Of course you do or you wouldn't have gone out for her.' I'd tell myself that I have never cared for anyone. 'You care for her now admit it.'

Okay. So I admit it now. I care for her. More than I'd like. She's impossible to hate. Impossible to ignore. She calms yet excites me. She's the first one to affect in this way ... and I like it. I don't want her to leave anymore. I want her around. To see her happy. It hurts to know that she's hiding from everyone. From me.

I noticed the second day she was back. She hadn't said anything to me. Avoiding me. She stuck around that damn rat. And that scared me. I was losing her without ever even having her. I still watch them ... from the roof. Walking to and from the garden. Talking and laughing.

It makes me sick. I mean that literally. I saw them holding hands the one day ... and it made me sick. I think that was the only time she actually said something to me since we brought her home. I was busy seething in jealousy and I snapped at her. I think I made her cry too, and Yuki was sure to beat me up on it later.

So here I am. Wrapped with jealousy and pained by the fact that I no longer matter to her either. That happiness I had when she was brought home. That was changing again. Back to the familiar lock up. To throw away my feelings and become hard and uncaring like I was before I met her.

It's harder than before. When I was a child I had no problem locking myself away. I figured no one cared for me. Then Tohru cared ... and now it was the same as before. She didn't care. So neither would I. I will no longer subject myself to this kind of pain. It's gone. And so is she to me.

I guess I spaced talking to myself, because Shigure was being his big mouth again. I hadn't gone to dinner tonight. I stood outside listening to them talk. No surprise that any of them noticed I wasn't there. Good. I snuck back up onto my sanctuary. My life was the roof. I wouldn't have it any other way.

~*~

I slept rather well that night. On the roof. Safe. I decided that I would go for a walk to wake me up and give them time to eat so I wouldn't have to deal with them. I hadn't expected both Tohru and Yuki to be standing there ... holding hands, big surprise. They hadn't seen me yet either...

I passed them, staring straight at the forest. I heard Yuki mutter something about me, and I could feel their eyes on me. I didn't pay attention. I wouldn't give them anymore satisfaction of ignoring me. Of acting as though I didn't exist. I would make it to them as though I didn't.

I just walked ... for hours. I found myself on the far end of the forest. Near a lake. It was so peaceful. I was hungry ... my feet hurt. I just realized where my body was taking me. It wanted to go into the mountains. The part of my soul that just wanted to be free. The part that was sore ... and wanted to be loved. I'd rather be free.

I let myself go. I laid down right there on the ground, staring up at the clouds above me. Everything felt flat. Sour ... cold. I didn't really believe I could live like this forever. But I guess that was the only thing my mind and body agreed with. To be alone and safe. To let my mind wander as I wanted it too...

"...K-kyou-kun?" I shot straight up, but didn't look at her. She followed me. Of all times to follow me. The one time I can be free from it all ... the one time...

"I'm sorry. I ... I noticed you haven't eaten with us for a while now. I've been worr-" I cut her off. I couldn't stand to listen to it.

"Don't bother. I know you don't care." I could feel the tension of her wanting to cry build up already. I know that stung, but I didn't care anymore. She was busy with Yuki ... and Shigure. Even that damn bunny Momiji. She didn't even reply to me. I figured she had left, but when I turned around, she was still standing there, staring at me.

"What?!" She flinched and I inwardly did too. As much as I wanted to be over her, I realized then I wasn't. I wanted to imagine she was no longer important. But the pain was very hard to see on her face for me.

"I ... want to talk... I... can't talk with Yuki, or Shigure... I'm sorry if I bothered you I really--"

"Whatever ... ... come sit down." I had a feeling I was gonna regret this, but I patted the ground next to me. She smiled and took her spot rather quickly. I wasn't sure whether to be worried or happy.

"Well? ... What is it?" I asked kind of asked rudely. I guess that answered my question about her. I was more worried than happy about the whole situation. If she couldn't talk to Yuki or Shigure, then how in the world could she talk to me? I tilted my head, keeping my mouth shut the best I could. It was hard for her.

She didn't look all right. The curtain of her hiding. Her pain. Everything. It was crumbling faster than anything I ever saw. She was so scared. Her knees to her chest, eyes already filling with tears. She couldn't even hold still. Her body was as frightened as she was mentally. I could almost see the bruises rising from beneath her skin.

"I feel ... so dirty. The pain ... of it all. I felt like ... I was being ripped apart from the inside. My arms were strained so badly, I thought they might have been broken. They just ... wouldn't stop. The more I struggled, the more the they changed rates... I..." She was shivering, and crying. I felt my heart breaking. She was so innocent.

I broke my own rules. To ignore her in the first place. I couldn't even hold her though. I wanted to badly to comfort her. To let her know I wasn't just a jerk. Everything my mind had refused to let in, it wanted it all now. I wanted to walk with her again. To hold her hand and talk like we were just a normal couple. Like her and Yuki...

I frowned slightly. I knew how it was going to work. She would go back to ignoring me. To giving all her attention to that dam rat. He would be loved like everyone else felt for him. Shigure, Tohru ... even Akito seemed to give him leeway. It stung me. I felt like I went blind, and I didn't matter. I didn't even notice I had said most of it out loud.

"Kyou-kun..." My eyes widened. I didn't expect her face to be so close to mine. I saw her deep blue eyes staring back at me. I unconsciously shivered as she put her hand on mine, looking at the ground a moment. She was shivering too. I couldn't help myself. I reached out with my other hand, rubbing her arm softly.

"I never meant for you to feel unloved. You .. you were the one who saw me broken. I couldn't think of anything to say to you. I couldn't stand to see you looking at me like I was ..."

"Yuki." I finished the sentence for her. Like a rat. I sighed, looking off into the lake for a moment, before I grabbed and held her gaze with my own. I moved my hand up to her chin, touching her gently. The last thing I wanted was to scare her.

"You are the farthest thing from Yuki. I thought you despised me like everyone else. As though I didn't exist to you. I ... I felt crushed." I closed my eyes, moving my face from her view. I felt ashamed of myself. I had never told any one of my real true feelings of being nonexistent.

I hadn't expected her to take it so hard either. She didn't think and before I knew it, I was crushed between her breasts, with her apologizing, and tears welling up in her eyes again.

"It's okay. I'm okay. And you'll be great. You did nothing wrong. You are still innocent and clean, no one can take that away from you." I began to purr without notice. I could feel her sobbing, and I let her bury her face into my fur. It was the least I could do to make her feel better.

"Thank you Kyou-kun."

"Let's go home." She nodded. I expected her to put me down, but instead, she grabbed my clothes and headed off towards the house. I would have objected but I could feel her heart calm with every stroke to my fur. In a way, it calmed me too. I was so worried about her now.

~*~

When we did finally get home it was rather late. We snuck in and Tohru insisted on feeding me. I only agreed if she would too. I noticed without really realizing it that she hadn't eatten much either lately. She placed me in the living room with my clothing and went into the kitchen to make rice balls and salom.

My favorite of course. I should have guessed. The girl in the kitchen was intent on making it up to me. I couldn't stop her from doing that, but I could do my best to make it up to her as well. She came back into the room, me already changed and dressed again, with the food.

She sat next to me this time, instead of across from me like usual. We sat there, in complete and worthy silence. For once, it was welcomed. I could feel her. Danity... innocent. I was right. Nothing could spoil her. Well ... maybe me, but I won't. She's too perfect to ruin. And that was when it really hit me.

I love her. I truly love her. Her beauty. Her faith. Her honesty. Her most generous personality. I hadn't even noticed that she had crawled into my heart and grew. My extended leaves from the house, my weight loss... it all happened when she wasn't around. When I thought I meant nothing to her.

I look at her. She smiles at me and mouths a 'Thank you'. I feel like ... everything fits. I now know what she is. She was sent to show me, that somebody can care for me. Maybe selfish ... maybe naiive. But I love her for what she has done to me. I painfully and deeply love her.

She broke the ice.

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I know I know. A little out of Kyou style, but it's how I think he really does feel about Tohru... through my story anyway. Next chapter will be in Tohru's PoV. ^^