A/N: i'm re-posting this stuff, cuz it needed to be edited for bad spelling and the like. The actual story is the same though.
And just to let anyone confused know-
emphasis
harrys thoughts
harrys thoughts on his thoughts and the like (did that make sense?)
Chapter 2- Control
People need control. To survive, people need to find a way to fight nature and everything that can go wrong in someone's life; for everyone knows that if something can become a disaster, it will. The only thing a human really can control is himself. Maybe that's why society has such strict rules about what is and what isn't socially acceptable; restraint is hard to come by, and a handbook doesn't always work. Without self-discipline, we are lost in seas of emotion and raging hormones, and become feeble and unable to function as well as we need to in order to survive.
People who lose self-control tend to kill others. Maybe that's why Dumbledore's being such a manipulative and controlling bastard; he doesn't want people to die. Somehow I think my parents, Sirius, Cedric Diggory, and everyone else who wound up dead because of Voldemort would say "gee, Dumbledore, you are absolutely right! What a fool I have been, upset over my lack of life, when you pretending to be God has saved everybody's life!" Well, all is fair in love and war, right? Of course, love is what made Dumbledore foolish or something, that's what he said when he finally told me about the prophecy: he loved me to much, and it got people killed. That's what happens when people pretend to be all-powerful, Dumbledore!
How Voldemort has managed to fuck this up is beyond me. Losing so many times against the Order. Of course, as the Order of the Phoenix, I guess they just rise from the ashes every time you kick their asses, so it's kinda hard to defeat them. I just don't see why he can't find a way to wipe everyone out, though. He's butchered enough people to be considered an expert on it, so why are these particular people so difficult to eradicate?
What makes someone get out of a battle, and another one die? Is there a certain number or something, a quota of souls for Death to take and it doesn't matter who dies, as long as the quota is filled, or is everything pre-ordained; destined to turn out a certain way? Was Sirius going to die at the Department of Ministries when he was 36, no matter how hard anyone tried to stop it, or was his name just drawn randomly out of a box, and his fate sealed by pure chance? Are my blood sacrifices really doing anything, or is God/Fate/whoever just messing with my head?
A barn owl flies through my open window, offering to me the last will and testament of Sirius Black. He left everything to me, and now I have a house, several heirlooms, another bank account full of money I don't need, and a traitorous, semi-insane house elf. If this is my compensation for losing Sirius, shame on whoever doles out such things: they should know that I would much prefer the casket made out of emeralds, thank you very much. They go better with my eyes than the rubies do. Honestly; does anyone really think I care what type of jewels I have in which vault or if I want to take over the companies now, or wait until after I graduate from Hogwarts? I just want Sirius back.
Fudge saw Peter Pettigrew at the Ministry last June; he knows that the rat's alive. If Sirius had to die, the least that Fate could do in compensation is make sure that his name was cleared, but that total asshole of a Minister wouldn't bother to evaluate his case. Old grudges die hard or something, but Fudge's prejudices really haven't helped the Ministry in the past and I doubt they will now.
A part of me really wants the summer to be over, so I can see my friends and be with people who don't hit me or talk to me like I'm a piece of shit they just wiped off the bottom of their shoe. I want to be able to talk about Quiddich and steal Hermione's Potions essays with Ron, and just be a teenager. Of course, the wiser part of me knows that they will just want to talk about Sirius, and Voldemort, and my feelings. I cant take that. I know I am being watched by the Order, and I've discovered ways to find out where my bodyguards are, so I can make sure that they don't see anything I don't want them to. If I was with them, surrounded by people, it would be much more difficult to hide the parts of me that make the Sacrifice every month, the parts that went after Bellatrix Lestrange after she killed Sirius; the parts of me where Voldemort's ruthlessness and cruelty, among other things of his, dwell. I'm much safer with the Dursleys; they leave me alone, to be my own person, and don't think that someone needs to save me from myself or whatever. Part of that might be because they would never dream of taking me aside and sharing any meaningful conversations or anything that might be misinterpreted as them suggesting to maybe possibly feel anything other than the deepest loathing for me. But that's nothing new and as I am used to taking care of myself, they are showing me much more consideration by leaving me alone then the Order is by tailing me everywhere. Of course, that strategy has worked so well, I guess they've decided to take leaves out of Fudge's book and live by philosophies that just wind up hurting people in the end, instead of saving them.
Sometimes I walk around the park at night and try to psychoanalyze myself; to figure out exactly when I became cynical and sarcastic. Maybe those traits were always in my personality, just buried deep inside, until my life went to hell, and I needed them to keep me entertained. It's more likely that they are a part of Voldemort's personality, as the part of himself he gave to me when he killed my parents seems to be merging with my own personality a little more each day. Sometimes I can understand why he killed his father, and why he hates Muggles, and I keep flashing back to seeing Bellatrix Lestrange murder Sirius, and wanting to make her feel as much pain as possible. Little by little, I feel like he's taking over me, that one day I will look in the mirror, like in that song by Evanescence, and see him staring back at me, red eyes blazing.
A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this posted; i probly lost all of my readers, but oh well. And by the way, the song lyrics from Evanescence are:
I look in the mirror and see your face
If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are
Just like you are taking over
And the review responses are on the next chapter. L8r!
