In which we meet a very angry Hulk Harry, but think his Patronus is uber cool nonetheless...

***

DUDLEY-oh-so-DEMENTED

Intro: PRIVET DRIVE

(HARRY POTTER is lying in a FLOWERBED, therefore INSPIRING a fabulous CHAPTER ILLUSTRATION. It is HOT. Harry is SCRUFFY.)

JKR HERSELF: I shall now spout a long explanation for Harry's strange location that good fans have already memorized.

(A loud CRACK resounds through Privet Drive. Harry is STARTLED and nearly CRACKS HIS HEAD OPEN. Somewhere along the line he also pulls out his WAND.)

UNCLE VERNON: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!

(UNCLE VERNON is ANGRY.)

HARRY: Gerroff!

(HARRY is ANGRY, and the GENTLE READER [a la Miss Manners] had better get USED to it.)

(UNCLE VERNON and HARRY STRUGGLE. Then Harry's UNCONTROLLABLE natural magic KICKS IN.)

HARRY: Score!

(HARRY, though he acts very SMART-ALECKY, manages to ESCAPE TROUBLE from his aunt and uncle. On the pretense of checking out the NOISE, HARRY goes to a nearby play park to BROOD.)

HARRY: Oi. I'm the Boy who Lived and no one's telling me what's going on. They say they're worried the messages will be intercepted, but they probably just don't like me anymore. Therefore, they are all jerks. O woe.

(He SULKS and becomes NOTICEABLY GREENER.)

HARRY: Well look at that. It's Dudley an his gang, which in the past month has suddenly become a heck of a lot more sinister. They smoke now? I think I shall take out all of my bizarre anger on him, for he deserves it more than I. He is fat and stupid and I am the Boy who Lived.

(The READERS consider this. It SOUNDS WRONG somehow, but they rule that it does make SENSE.)

(HARRY ANNOYS DUDLEY, flexing his NEW POWER in being a wizard. As they wander through a conveniently DARK, GLOOMY, and ISOLATED ALLEY, a couple of dementors decide to JOIN THE PARTY. However, they are just DEPRESSING.)

(At this point, the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR INVOLUNTARILY GIGGLES. HULK HARRY and ICKLE DIDDYKINS decide to ignore this.)

(TOTALLY VIOLATING the theory that the CLOSER a DEMENTOR is, the HARDER it is to CONJURE a PATRONUS, HARRY succeeds on his THIRD TRY by thinking of the TWO PEOPLE he is supposed to be currently HATING. He saves POPKIN from the dementor, therefore PROVING that while 30 SECONDS EARLIER he was being a terrible GIT, he is still noble HARRY POTTER. The GENTLE READERS are starting to feel like SNAPE in regard to HULK HARRY.)

(At this point, the EXTREMELY BATTY Mrs. Figg shows up and proves herself to be FAMILIAR with the WIZARDING WORLD. None of the LOYAL FANS are surprised, as there was a CLUE to this at the END of BOOK FOUR. The chapter CLOSES with what is SUPPOSED to be a cliffhanger but for most people ISN'T.)

***

Whoa, I seriously was not intending to make that that long. Still, it was rather good, don't you think?

I am finding it slightly difficult to stop capitalizing random words. Erk.

6/26/03 - Whoa. I got reviewers! Amazing. Sorry about the original icky formatting of this chapter, it should be fixed now. I have the first four chapters to this written, I'll try to get the other three up today. I've also started the fifth chapter.