In which Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, Dudley, and - surprise, surprise - Harry are all very ticked off.
With MORE RANDOM CAPITALIZATION!!!
***
Peter-Piper-Picked-A PECK OF OWLS
Intro: STILL PRIVET DRIVE
(MRS. FIGG is still BATTY. HARRY is still mostly ANGRY. DUDLEY is still VERY FAT and STUPID.)
MRS. FIGG: Come on, Harry, let's haul off to your aunt and uncle's house, where I will leave you alone to explain to your furious, biased relatives why their son is half dead!
(MRS. FIGG smiles ENCOURAGINGLY. HARRY picks up DUDLEY. DUDLEY is FAT.)
HARRY: Erk, Dudley, help me out here!
(Not only is DUDLEY FAT, he is also STUPID. Therefore, he says NOTHING and does not HELP.)
MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER: Hey, guys, what's up? You won't believe the deal on cauldrons I just got! Hey, what's up with the whale-kid there?
MRS. FIGG: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
HARRY: Whoa, no wonder I'm so Hulk-y. Everyone around me is a bit grumpy too!
MRS. FIGG: By the way, Harry, Dumbledore's been having you followed!
(HARRY starts feeling GREEN again.)
HARRY: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
MRS. FIGG: Ta-ta Harry!
HARRY: What?
(HARRY and DUDLEY enter NUMBER FOUR.)
HARRY: Good evening Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia! What are you doing cooped up in the house? It's lovely outside!
(DUDLEY PUKES.)
HARRY: Eeeewww!!
(AUNT PETUNIA spouts several of DUDLEY'S PET NAMES, as if this display is ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.)
UNCLE VERNON: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
(HARRY sincerely wishes the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would STOP using that phrase. It has LOST ALL HUMOR.)
OWL #1: Harry, you're expelled!
(HARRY is SHOCKED.)
OWL #2: Harry, don't obey law enforcement!
HARRY: At last!
OWL #3: Harry, you're not expelled!
(HARRY is SLIGHTLY CHEERED and not quite as ANGRY.)
OWL #4: Harry, imprison yourself in the house!
(HARRY is back at MAXIMUM ANGER CAPACITY.)
UNCLE VERNON: OOGA-BOOGA!! OWLS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! I SHALL NOW ATTEMPT TO FRUITLESSLY THROW YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE, BUT NOT BEFORE I RECAP ALL THE ICKY STUFF YOU'VE DONE SINCE YOU CAME TO LIVE HERE SO THAT THE LESS LOYAL FANS ARE NOT LEFT IN THE DARK!
(UNCLE VERNON runs out of BREATH.)
HOWLER: Yay, I get to advance the plot! *insert spooky, short, and mysterious message here*
AUNT PETUNIA: Sorry, Vernon, no can do.
UNCLE VERNON: *whiney* But Petunia!
AUNT PETUNIA: Nope.
(UNCLE VERNON is GRUMPY and PURPLE-FACED.)
UNCLE VERNON: Fine! Harry, go to bed.
HARRY: *whiney, and, of course, angry* But Uncle Vernon!
(HARRY gets GREENER. UNCLE VERNON gets PURPLER.)
UNCLE VERNON: Go!
With MORE RANDOM CAPITALIZATION!!!
***
Peter-Piper-Picked-A PECK OF OWLS
Intro: STILL PRIVET DRIVE
(MRS. FIGG is still BATTY. HARRY is still mostly ANGRY. DUDLEY is still VERY FAT and STUPID.)
MRS. FIGG: Come on, Harry, let's haul off to your aunt and uncle's house, where I will leave you alone to explain to your furious, biased relatives why their son is half dead!
(MRS. FIGG smiles ENCOURAGINGLY. HARRY picks up DUDLEY. DUDLEY is FAT.)
HARRY: Erk, Dudley, help me out here!
(Not only is DUDLEY FAT, he is also STUPID. Therefore, he says NOTHING and does not HELP.)
MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER: Hey, guys, what's up? You won't believe the deal on cauldrons I just got! Hey, what's up with the whale-kid there?
MRS. FIGG: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
HARRY: Whoa, no wonder I'm so Hulk-y. Everyone around me is a bit grumpy too!
MRS. FIGG: By the way, Harry, Dumbledore's been having you followed!
(HARRY starts feeling GREEN again.)
HARRY: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
MRS. FIGG: Ta-ta Harry!
HARRY: What?
(HARRY and DUDLEY enter NUMBER FOUR.)
HARRY: Good evening Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia! What are you doing cooped up in the house? It's lovely outside!
(DUDLEY PUKES.)
HARRY: Eeeewww!!
(AUNT PETUNIA spouts several of DUDLEY'S PET NAMES, as if this display is ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.)
UNCLE VERNON: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!
(HARRY sincerely wishes the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would STOP using that phrase. It has LOST ALL HUMOR.)
OWL #1: Harry, you're expelled!
(HARRY is SHOCKED.)
OWL #2: Harry, don't obey law enforcement!
HARRY: At last!
OWL #3: Harry, you're not expelled!
(HARRY is SLIGHTLY CHEERED and not quite as ANGRY.)
OWL #4: Harry, imprison yourself in the house!
(HARRY is back at MAXIMUM ANGER CAPACITY.)
UNCLE VERNON: OOGA-BOOGA!! OWLS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! I SHALL NOW ATTEMPT TO FRUITLESSLY THROW YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE, BUT NOT BEFORE I RECAP ALL THE ICKY STUFF YOU'VE DONE SINCE YOU CAME TO LIVE HERE SO THAT THE LESS LOYAL FANS ARE NOT LEFT IN THE DARK!
(UNCLE VERNON runs out of BREATH.)
HOWLER: Yay, I get to advance the plot! *insert spooky, short, and mysterious message here*
AUNT PETUNIA: Sorry, Vernon, no can do.
UNCLE VERNON: *whiney* But Petunia!
AUNT PETUNIA: Nope.
(UNCLE VERNON is GRUMPY and PURPLE-FACED.)
UNCLE VERNON: Fine! Harry, go to bed.
HARRY: *whiney, and, of course, angry* But Uncle Vernon!
(HARRY gets GREENER. UNCLE VERNON gets PURPLER.)
UNCLE VERNON: Go!
