In which everyone is super, uber cool except Harry, who is angry.
***
THE ADVANCE GUARD, aka a group of all the uber cool people in the book except for Ginny and Sirius!
Intro: JOE'S CRAB SHACK...errr, NUMBER FOUR PRIVET DRIVE
(HARRY is BROODING and ANGRY. He writes BROODING and ANGRY NOTES to all his FRIENDS who apparently don't LIKE HIM ANYMORE.)
HARRY: Ooga-booga! Where's Hedwig?!
(HEDWIG flies in. HARRY snarls at her and immediately SENDS HER AWAY again. He is VERY ANGRY and GREENER THAN SLYTHERIN.)
HARRY: Grrr...stupid Dumbledore...stupid bird...stupid aunt...stupid uncle...stupid friends...stupid Fletcher...stupid Voldemort...stupid dementors...
(HARRY continues in this vein, ACCIDENTALLY RENAMING several people.)
UNCLE VERNON: Ta-ta, Harry!
HARRY: Why do people keep doing that?!
(HARRY is ANNOYED, which is another way of saying ANGRIER. There is a LOUD CRASH downstairs. HARRY is STARTLED, but does NOT crack his head open this time.)
HARRY: Whozat?!
LUPIN: (Note from the Twisted Parody Author: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It's okay Harry. We are the party of uber cool people. The gang's all here! There's me, 'nuff said, Mad-Eye Moody, who's gotten even more deliciously paranoid since he was locked in a trunk for eight months, the new, awesome Tonks, who totally abuses her ability to change her appearance, Kingsley Shacklebolt, who is at least as cool as any of the black bald dudes in the movies, further emphasized by his cool golden earring, and a bunch of other people we don't really hear about but can safely assume are uber cool anyway. Peace out!
(LUPIN is having trouble recovering from his OUT-OF-CHARACTER DIALOGUE.)
HARRY: Oh.
(HARRY is DIZZY. The people downstairs, especially LUPIN, are UBER COOL.)
UBER COOL PEOPLE: C'mon Harry, let's go down to the kitchen!
HARRY: Okay.
(The UBER COOL PEOPLE engage in funny banter, particularly MOODY and TONKS. The GENTLE READERS are DYING to HUG any and all of them. They are UBER COOL.)
TONKS: C'mon Harry, let's go pack!
HARRY: Okay.
(TONKS helps HARRY pack.)
TONKS: Harry, I'm an Auror! And I have this cool, rare ability!
(The GENTLE READERS BOW DOWN to TONKS.)
HARRY: Oh. Me, too?
TONKS: Nope. Maybe if you weren't always so angry, you'd be uber cool enough!
HARRY: That make Harry angry! Grrr!!!
(He becomes GREEN. The GENTLE READERS are all EXTREMELY TIRED of HULK HARRY, and wish the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would retire that joke.)
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: NEVER!
HARRY: Huh?
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh, uh, nothing.
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR BOWS DOWN to TONKS before EVACUATING her parody.)
LUPIN: C'mon Harry, let's fly!
HARRY: Where to?
MOODY: Nyah, nyah, not telling!
HARRY: Grr...
MOODY: Anyway, if we all die on this flight except for you, keep going Harry; don't stop.
(The GENTLE READERS are HORRIFIED.)
GENTLE READERS: JKR wouldn't kill off all the uber cool people, would she? At least not at once?
(The GENTLE READERS VOW to BOYCOTT HP if JKR kills off LUPIN/TONKS/MOODY, even though they are NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE to boycott ANYTHING THAT SAYS "HARRY POTTER." The UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY TAKE FLIGHT. They are COLD. MOODY is PARANOID. They land, and he gives HARRY a NOTE, of which we ALL KNOW the CONTENTS.)
HARRY: Oh.
TONKS: Lucy, I'm ho-ome!
(Most of the UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY think she is CRAZY. They are COOL WITH THAT.)
***
Whee! I like my ending, and also my little cameo in Harry's bedroom. I truly do love every single one of the characters in this chapter, yes, even Harry. But he is so vulnerable to my teasings, set off by every little thing. Harry constantly saying "oh" and "okay" to the weird stuff people tell him is stolen from Squeaky's Crudely Drawn HP Stick Figures (http://www.geocities.com/gatty_squeaks/sfindex.html), which should be checked out by anyone who had enough time to waste reading my own humble parody.
***
THE ADVANCE GUARD, aka a group of all the uber cool people in the book except for Ginny and Sirius!
Intro: JOE'S CRAB SHACK...errr, NUMBER FOUR PRIVET DRIVE
(HARRY is BROODING and ANGRY. He writes BROODING and ANGRY NOTES to all his FRIENDS who apparently don't LIKE HIM ANYMORE.)
HARRY: Ooga-booga! Where's Hedwig?!
(HEDWIG flies in. HARRY snarls at her and immediately SENDS HER AWAY again. He is VERY ANGRY and GREENER THAN SLYTHERIN.)
HARRY: Grrr...stupid Dumbledore...stupid bird...stupid aunt...stupid uncle...stupid friends...stupid Fletcher...stupid Voldemort...stupid dementors...
(HARRY continues in this vein, ACCIDENTALLY RENAMING several people.)
UNCLE VERNON: Ta-ta, Harry!
HARRY: Why do people keep doing that?!
(HARRY is ANNOYED, which is another way of saying ANGRIER. There is a LOUD CRASH downstairs. HARRY is STARTLED, but does NOT crack his head open this time.)
HARRY: Whozat?!
LUPIN: (Note from the Twisted Parody Author: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It's okay Harry. We are the party of uber cool people. The gang's all here! There's me, 'nuff said, Mad-Eye Moody, who's gotten even more deliciously paranoid since he was locked in a trunk for eight months, the new, awesome Tonks, who totally abuses her ability to change her appearance, Kingsley Shacklebolt, who is at least as cool as any of the black bald dudes in the movies, further emphasized by his cool golden earring, and a bunch of other people we don't really hear about but can safely assume are uber cool anyway. Peace out!
(LUPIN is having trouble recovering from his OUT-OF-CHARACTER DIALOGUE.)
HARRY: Oh.
(HARRY is DIZZY. The people downstairs, especially LUPIN, are UBER COOL.)
UBER COOL PEOPLE: C'mon Harry, let's go down to the kitchen!
HARRY: Okay.
(The UBER COOL PEOPLE engage in funny banter, particularly MOODY and TONKS. The GENTLE READERS are DYING to HUG any and all of them. They are UBER COOL.)
TONKS: C'mon Harry, let's go pack!
HARRY: Okay.
(TONKS helps HARRY pack.)
TONKS: Harry, I'm an Auror! And I have this cool, rare ability!
(The GENTLE READERS BOW DOWN to TONKS.)
HARRY: Oh. Me, too?
TONKS: Nope. Maybe if you weren't always so angry, you'd be uber cool enough!
HARRY: That make Harry angry! Grrr!!!
(He becomes GREEN. The GENTLE READERS are all EXTREMELY TIRED of HULK HARRY, and wish the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would retire that joke.)
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: NEVER!
HARRY: Huh?
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh, uh, nothing.
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR BOWS DOWN to TONKS before EVACUATING her parody.)
LUPIN: C'mon Harry, let's fly!
HARRY: Where to?
MOODY: Nyah, nyah, not telling!
HARRY: Grr...
MOODY: Anyway, if we all die on this flight except for you, keep going Harry; don't stop.
(The GENTLE READERS are HORRIFIED.)
GENTLE READERS: JKR wouldn't kill off all the uber cool people, would she? At least not at once?
(The GENTLE READERS VOW to BOYCOTT HP if JKR kills off LUPIN/TONKS/MOODY, even though they are NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE to boycott ANYTHING THAT SAYS "HARRY POTTER." The UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY TAKE FLIGHT. They are COLD. MOODY is PARANOID. They land, and he gives HARRY a NOTE, of which we ALL KNOW the CONTENTS.)
HARRY: Oh.
TONKS: Lucy, I'm ho-ome!
(Most of the UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY think she is CRAZY. They are COOL WITH THAT.)
***
Whee! I like my ending, and also my little cameo in Harry's bedroom. I truly do love every single one of the characters in this chapter, yes, even Harry. But he is so vulnerable to my teasings, set off by every little thing. Harry constantly saying "oh" and "okay" to the weird stuff people tell him is stolen from Squeaky's Crudely Drawn HP Stick Figures (http://www.geocities.com/gatty_squeaks/sfindex.html), which should be checked out by anyone who had enough time to waste reading my own humble parody.
