In which Kreacher is crankier than Harry and the story remains dull as the characters clean house.
I am up to a grand total of three reviews. One of them asked me to make the chapters longer, so I did my best here and tried not glaze over stuff as much. There wasn't a whole lot to make fun of in this chapter.
***
THE NOBLE AND MOST filthy HOUSE OF BLACK, and we're not just talking about mold here...
MRS. WEASLEY: Go to bed!
RON: She has GOT to be crazy. I haven't gone to sleep until HOURS after this since Gred and Forge earned to Lapparate.
HARRY: What?
RON: Umm...so what did you think?
HARRY: I think that Voldemort has decided we're not going to rent a beach house together after all.
RON: *panicky* That doesn't make you angry, does it?
HARRY: Nah. We couldn't find a house with a hot tub anyway.
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would like to express her REGRET that the GENTLE READERS had to read that.)
FRED AND GEORGE: Hi guys!
HARRY: Erk. How the heck did you pass your Apparation test?
FRED AND GEORGE: ......
HARRY: Nevermind!
RON: So what do you think THE WEAPON is?
FRED AND GEORGE: It could be something that mass kills...
RON: Or tortures!
HARRY: What tortures worse than the Cruciatus Curse?
RON: You don't live with Fred and George, do you Harry?
HARRY: Ron, that's right up there with the "You're a girl, Hermione!" statement.
FRED AND GEORGE: So where could it be?
RON: Probably Hogwarts.
(They ALL AGREE that the weapon is at HOGWARTS and NEVER discuss its location AGAIN until they discover where it REALLY is.)
FRED AND GEORGE: Oops, here comes Mum, got to run!
(They LEAVE.)
RON: Mum doesn't trust us at all.
HARRY: Imagine that!
(HARRY falls asleep and has a FUNKY DREAM. DEVOUT FANS scour it for clues. Upon finishing the book they are irritated to find it is COMPLETELY DEVOID of them. [The dream, not the whole book.])
FRED AND GEORGE: Morning Harry!
HARRY: Ugh, do you EVER stay put in your room?
FRED AND GEORGE: Let's do some CLEANING! There are doxies and puffskeins downstairs!
(The DEVOUT FANS leave their books to EXAMINE "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" for hints.)
MRS. WEASLEY: Got to hurry! The doxies are in league with You-Know-Who!
EVERYONE ELSE: THEY ARE?
MRS. WEASLEY: Actually, no, but we needed some drama in this stagnant part of the story.
(They SPRAY DOXIES all morning. FRED and GEORGE discuss their latest ENTREPRENEURIAL DOINGS. They all EAT LUNCH. They CLEAN SOME MORE. MRS. WEASLEY screams at MUNDUNGUS. Some of the GENTLE READERS are starting to think she could give HULK HARRY a run for his money.)
KREACHER: Oh, look, it's the blood traitors, the mudblood, and a boy my master likes so he must be icky too. Shoot, that bucket is half empty of doxy eggs.
HARRY: I'd say it's half full.
(KREACHER looks MUTINOUS.)
SIRIUS: How's it goin'? Beat it, Kreacher.
KREACHER: Of course, Master, ungrateful little swine.
(KREACHER EXITS.)
HERMIONE: You should really be nicer to Kreacher, Sirius.
SIRIUS: Yes, and every spring I should bring my mother the year's first daffodils. She's be thrilled, I'm sure.
(As usual, EVERYONE ignores HERMIONE'S SUPERIOR WISDOM.)
SIRIUS: Check it out Harry, a complete family tree of all the bloodthirsty purebloods that goes back centuries! Why, I remember when I was a little kid, I once sat and played, alone, next to this tapestry. Next thing I knew mum swooped down on me, took me down to a basement closet, beat me, and left me there for three days.
HARRY: Sirius, the script says to reminisce and tell a cheerful story from your childhood relating to the tapestry.
SIRIUS: What wasn't cheerful about that?
HARRY: Um...nothing...
SIRIUS: Anyway, I'm related to half the people you know! Cool, huh?
HARRY: If you say so.
GENTLE READERS: It doesn't leave him many shipping options.
(The DEVOUT FANS say nothing. They are busy making their OWN Black family trees based on this info, so they can be REFERRED TO for clues.)
HARRY: So can I come and live here if they chuck me out of school?
SIRIUS: We'll see, Harry.
(Only HERMIONE will EVER understand why he didn't just AGREE.)
HARRY: What about your pop, Sirius?
SIRIUS: Though not as much as my mum, Kreacher's fond of him, too...
(The GENTLE READERS are suddenly ATTACKED with the AWFUL IMAGE of an old house elf enthusiastically KISSING an old pair of TROUSERS. They are SCARRED FOR LIFE.)
MRS. WEASLEY: Your trial's tomorrow, Harry.
HARRY: Yay!
MRS. WEASLEY: For goodness sake, read your script occasionally!
HARRY: Sorry. Oh drat. I hope Hogwarts doesn't chuck me out because then the rest of the series would feature my life with the Dursleys, and there are only so many humorless jokes you can crack about Dudley.
SIRIUS: By the way Harry, Dumbledore came by last night when you were asleep.
HARRY: Grr...
SIRIUS: *fondly* That's the Harry we know and tolerate!
*BONUS!*
Intro: A dark cave next door to Osama bin Laden
WORMTAIL: What shall we do tonight, my Lord?
VOLDIE: What we do every night, Wormtail...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
WORMTAIL: Narf!
***
A cookie to anyone who can tell me what the last bit was from...
Thank you to my reviewers! I loff you all! I guarantee at least one new chapter tomorrow, 6/27/03!
I am up to a grand total of three reviews. One of them asked me to make the chapters longer, so I did my best here and tried not glaze over stuff as much. There wasn't a whole lot to make fun of in this chapter.
***
THE NOBLE AND MOST filthy HOUSE OF BLACK, and we're not just talking about mold here...
MRS. WEASLEY: Go to bed!
RON: She has GOT to be crazy. I haven't gone to sleep until HOURS after this since Gred and Forge earned to Lapparate.
HARRY: What?
RON: Umm...so what did you think?
HARRY: I think that Voldemort has decided we're not going to rent a beach house together after all.
RON: *panicky* That doesn't make you angry, does it?
HARRY: Nah. We couldn't find a house with a hot tub anyway.
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would like to express her REGRET that the GENTLE READERS had to read that.)
FRED AND GEORGE: Hi guys!
HARRY: Erk. How the heck did you pass your Apparation test?
FRED AND GEORGE: ......
HARRY: Nevermind!
RON: So what do you think THE WEAPON is?
FRED AND GEORGE: It could be something that mass kills...
RON: Or tortures!
HARRY: What tortures worse than the Cruciatus Curse?
RON: You don't live with Fred and George, do you Harry?
HARRY: Ron, that's right up there with the "You're a girl, Hermione!" statement.
FRED AND GEORGE: So where could it be?
RON: Probably Hogwarts.
(They ALL AGREE that the weapon is at HOGWARTS and NEVER discuss its location AGAIN until they discover where it REALLY is.)
FRED AND GEORGE: Oops, here comes Mum, got to run!
(They LEAVE.)
RON: Mum doesn't trust us at all.
HARRY: Imagine that!
(HARRY falls asleep and has a FUNKY DREAM. DEVOUT FANS scour it for clues. Upon finishing the book they are irritated to find it is COMPLETELY DEVOID of them. [The dream, not the whole book.])
FRED AND GEORGE: Morning Harry!
HARRY: Ugh, do you EVER stay put in your room?
FRED AND GEORGE: Let's do some CLEANING! There are doxies and puffskeins downstairs!
(The DEVOUT FANS leave their books to EXAMINE "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" for hints.)
MRS. WEASLEY: Got to hurry! The doxies are in league with You-Know-Who!
EVERYONE ELSE: THEY ARE?
MRS. WEASLEY: Actually, no, but we needed some drama in this stagnant part of the story.
(They SPRAY DOXIES all morning. FRED and GEORGE discuss their latest ENTREPRENEURIAL DOINGS. They all EAT LUNCH. They CLEAN SOME MORE. MRS. WEASLEY screams at MUNDUNGUS. Some of the GENTLE READERS are starting to think she could give HULK HARRY a run for his money.)
KREACHER: Oh, look, it's the blood traitors, the mudblood, and a boy my master likes so he must be icky too. Shoot, that bucket is half empty of doxy eggs.
HARRY: I'd say it's half full.
(KREACHER looks MUTINOUS.)
SIRIUS: How's it goin'? Beat it, Kreacher.
KREACHER: Of course, Master, ungrateful little swine.
(KREACHER EXITS.)
HERMIONE: You should really be nicer to Kreacher, Sirius.
SIRIUS: Yes, and every spring I should bring my mother the year's first daffodils. She's be thrilled, I'm sure.
(As usual, EVERYONE ignores HERMIONE'S SUPERIOR WISDOM.)
SIRIUS: Check it out Harry, a complete family tree of all the bloodthirsty purebloods that goes back centuries! Why, I remember when I was a little kid, I once sat and played, alone, next to this tapestry. Next thing I knew mum swooped down on me, took me down to a basement closet, beat me, and left me there for three days.
HARRY: Sirius, the script says to reminisce and tell a cheerful story from your childhood relating to the tapestry.
SIRIUS: What wasn't cheerful about that?
HARRY: Um...nothing...
SIRIUS: Anyway, I'm related to half the people you know! Cool, huh?
HARRY: If you say so.
GENTLE READERS: It doesn't leave him many shipping options.
(The DEVOUT FANS say nothing. They are busy making their OWN Black family trees based on this info, so they can be REFERRED TO for clues.)
HARRY: So can I come and live here if they chuck me out of school?
SIRIUS: We'll see, Harry.
(Only HERMIONE will EVER understand why he didn't just AGREE.)
HARRY: What about your pop, Sirius?
SIRIUS: Though not as much as my mum, Kreacher's fond of him, too...
(The GENTLE READERS are suddenly ATTACKED with the AWFUL IMAGE of an old house elf enthusiastically KISSING an old pair of TROUSERS. They are SCARRED FOR LIFE.)
MRS. WEASLEY: Your trial's tomorrow, Harry.
HARRY: Yay!
MRS. WEASLEY: For goodness sake, read your script occasionally!
HARRY: Sorry. Oh drat. I hope Hogwarts doesn't chuck me out because then the rest of the series would feature my life with the Dursleys, and there are only so many humorless jokes you can crack about Dudley.
SIRIUS: By the way Harry, Dumbledore came by last night when you were asleep.
HARRY: Grr...
SIRIUS: *fondly* That's the Harry we know and tolerate!
*BONUS!*
Intro: A dark cave next door to Osama bin Laden
WORMTAIL: What shall we do tonight, my Lord?
VOLDIE: What we do every night, Wormtail...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
WORMTAIL: Narf!
***
A cookie to anyone who can tell me what the last bit was from...
Thank you to my reviewers! I loff you all! I guarantee at least one new chapter tomorrow, 6/27/03!
