A/N: Over 15500 words before this chapter, damn. The next chapter is mostly finished, or at least more planned out than this chapter was. Just think every chapter is one chapter closer to Bella and Edward's reunion. Please review.
Chapter 5: Maroon
How the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was maroon.
The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones.
The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon.
And I wake with your memory over me
That's a real fucking legacy, legacy.
And I wake with your memory over me
That's a real fucking legacy to leave. . .
Maroon - Taylor Swift
You would think after like four visits this would get easier. You would think I've spent enough time agonizing over this decision that I would be able to accept this. It shouldn't feel physically painful to turn down the hidden drive and drive up to the big white house that used to feel like my second home.
All my life it seemed when I was told I had to do something, I could usually suck it up and get it done. No matter how I was feeling, if it was important, I did it. I was a consummate people pleaser and constantly put aside my own well-being to do so. It was easy to sacrifice myself at the moment when the thought of everyone else I loved being in my place was such a real possibility.
It's not like I have a choice in all this, I never have.
It shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't be this hard.
Alice is waiting for me, leaning against the porch rail and I know I can't hide out in my car until I work up the nerve to go inside like the last few days. With a resigned sigh, I leave the warmth of my truck to sludge through the inch of snow between us.
I follow her inside, taking a long sip of the coffee I brought with me. It was the only thing I could keep down this morning.
The room was warm, a new throw blanket on the back of the couch in front of a roaring fire.
". . . So I guess we need to figure out the schematics?" I decide to start this, the sooner we're done with the details I can go back home and make this last holiday with Charlie something worth remembering. "How are we going to do this? If Jacob picks up your scent at the airport then I don't think he'd let me leave."
Jasper nods, his lips pursed as he thinks. "We could meet up at SeaTac. Jacob or your Father can drive you to Port Angeles and you could get a connecting flight through to Seattle."
"That could work," I shrug. Charlie's working so It'd probably be better if I wouldn't be trapped in my truck with Jacob for four hours, two hours will be pushing it anyways.
"It will," Alice assures us.
I nod at her statement, not knowing what else to say. I swirl the coffee in my travel mug as I stare blankly ahead of me. Her and Jasper's voices fade to white noise in my ears.
"Jake called the number on the acceptance letter and Carlisle answered it, did you see it?" I ask, more curious than anything.
"No. We just thought it'd be best in case he or Charlie called."
"Oh. . . I, uh, tried to find you, you know?" I don't know what I'm saying, or more specifically why I am saying it.
"What do you mean?" Alice asked.
"After you left before I accepted the fact that you would never come back," I started to say quietly. "I know James said you were in an asylum in Mississippi, I found your niece. . . I found Edward's old childhood home in Chicago. I also found a few obscure, old published medical research papers that listed a Doctor Carlisle Cullen as a contributor. . . I was hoping something would help me find you guys," but nothing ever did. I feel embarrassed, I probably sound like a stalker. As quickly as I felt that embarrassment, it was gone, thanks to Jasper I assume.
"You found Mary?"
I nod. "I didn't talk with her or anything, I wouldn't know what to say," that was one reason. I also didn't know how to explain to Jake what I was doing. It was right before we got together. The other reason was what has been driving all my decisions, I didn't want Victoria to find out. It was bad enough she was coming after me, I didn't need to bring anyone else under her radar.
I spent hours on that decrepit old computer Renee insisted Charlie put in my room when I moved here. It was old, it was slow, and it didn't take long for me to rationalize the necessity of buying myself a laptop (for school and maybe for a little detective work).
All that research never really got me anywhere, as groundbreaking as it seemed at the time, but at least I knew the Cullens' were real. The expenses for Edward's family's home in Chicago were paid for through a trust which was highly guarded by the lawyers in charge of it. The most the medical research papers got me were more recent papers citing or disproving them. All in all, it left me exactly where I began, no closer to finding them than I was to curing cancer or something like it.
"Someone just arrived at your house," Alice says, breaking me away from my thoughts.
I sit up straight, my eyes locked on hers as my mouth suddenly feels dry. "Is it Victoria?" In my imagination, Victoria's eyes were black with thirst, bright with anticipation, and her lips curled back from her gleaming teeth in pleasure. Her red hair was as brilliant as fire; it blew chaotically around her wild face the last time I saw her.
"No, it's an older human man. Long dark hair and a wheelchair."
The realization hits me and I feel myself relax. "Oh, Billy. I haven't seen him since-" I stop short, cutting myself off. I haven't seen him since the dinner where his son proposed. . . and I told him 'no.'
I'm sure Jasper can feel the pain and regret that washed over me like a tidal wave. I stand up quickly, shrugging back into my jacket and boots.
"Leaving so soon?" Jasper asks, handing me the travel coffee mug I placed on the table when I was getting redressed.
"Thanks," I mutter before nodding. "I should be there. Charlie won't get off for a few more hours and I don't really want to go visit him at his house." The house that, like the one I'm in right now, felt like a second home at one point.
"We'll send you the flight information, and if we don't see you again before we leave, we'll meet you in Seattle," Alice says.
"What will you guys do until then?"
"Do you mean for Christmas or in general?" Jasper interjects.
"Both I guess." I shrug.
"Esme wants us to wait until we're all home to celebrate Christmas. We don't usually do much but this will be the first time we're all together again." I don't know if I was included in her declaration, but it was a nice thought. "Other than that, we are going to pack up the house again and get some things that we had to leave behind."
Things they left behind when they left me.
"So Paul, huh?" It was easy to joke, to avoid the elephant in the room.
Billy closed his eyes and shook his head. "I'm happy Rachel is moving home. I'm focusing on that."
There was an awkward pause as we let the words settle in the air between us.
"Listen Billy-" I started.
"You don't need to explain anything to me, Bella." He cut me off.
"I know. I'm. . . sorry," for lack of a better word.
"Bella-" he began.
"I know I don't have to apologize but I need to. . ." I took a breath, trying to keep my conflicting emotions at bay. "I'm sorry I hurt Jacob. . . but I-" I'm not making sense. "Please take care of them, Jacob and Charlie."
He let the weight of my words settle. ". . . You're not coming back, are you?"
I chew on my bottom lip as I delay my answer. I don't know what to tell him. "Don't tell them. I-I know I have no right to ask that but it's what's best."
"The pack can keep you safe, Bella. They've been doing a pretty good job so far."
I turn back to the stove, hoping to hide my face. "She's been gone for a while now. If I leave before she comes back maybe I can lure her away. . . I'm the reason she's a threat, why she's drawn here. And with her being here, more boys are turning into wolves. Brady is only twelve, Billy. I can't be the reason he doesn't come home someday." I told him.
"Sam would never put the kids in harm's way."
"You and I both know it's only a matter of time."
He shakes his head, unhappy with my assumption but unable to deny it. We both knew I was the main drawing factor for all the dangerous mythical creatures coming to Forks. "I feel like I just got a daughter back, and now I'm losing another."
I have to stay strong. I can't have Victoria leading the vampire police here. I couldn't have all their deaths on my hands. I turned back to face him, sinking to my knees and holding his hand in both of mine from where it rested on the arm of his wheelchair. "I'm sorry, Billy. Please take care of them for me, please."
"You sound like there's more of the story to tell."
I nod, my eyes lowered because I can't meet his gaze. "I-I can't tell you. . . but I think I'll be okay." That was a lie, I don't think I'll ever be 'okay' again.
"You don't sound sure."
"I'm not." I wonder if Alice was watching me now. Can she see Billy? Can she hear the tremors in my voice? "I-" I pause before starting again. "I don't know if I'll be able to contact anyone. . . It'll be safer if I don't." Every second brings me closer to the end of my life here.
"I can keep a secret, Bella," Billy says, reading my face like an open book.
"It's not Victoria. . . Not just Victoria." I'm sure he can read through my words and take the warning.
Oh, how nice it would be to talk to someone about this, someone who wasn't a Cullen!
"More?"
I can't hide the shiver that crawls up my spine. "So much worse Billy. Please just take it at that. The less anyone here knows the better."
Billy lets my words sink in.
"I'm sorry I hurt Jake, it was the worst thing I've ever done, but I can't have anyone following me," am I doing what Edward had done to me? Breaking his heart so he wouldn't come after me? But Jake will live, I won't. "I hope this makes up for all the pain I've caused him but I know nothing will," my eyes finally meet his.
"You know I love you like a daughter, Bella."
"Billy, let me go. Please. Take care of your daughters and your son."
"Will you be taken care of?"
I nod, not voicing my own concerns that the Cullens could turn me away again if only to save themselves. I turned from Billy so he couldn't read the indecision on my face.
"Did you find them?"
No, they found me. With a breath as shaky as my resolve I turn back to him. "You and I can't comprehend what we're up against." I sidestep his question.
But Billy knows me as well as Jake these days, and he sees through me like an open window. "Bella. . . Bella, I want you to do whatever you have to do to survive this." The weight of his every word hung in the air between us.
My eyes shot up to meet his in disbelief at the words that just escaped him. "You don't mean-" I couldn't say it, couldn't really think it even.
"I may not be the leader of the pack but I am the Chief of the tribe. I know Sam would agree. Whatever you have to do, even if it means you can't come back, we'll be fine. You have my word that we'll keep Charlie safe. You take care of yourself."
I stare into his dark eyes, unable to respond. I couldn't promise him this, it wasn't that simple and we both know it.
The distinct sound of Charlie's cruiser made its way to us. It was the special way he had to close the door because the window glass was loose. He didn't want to get it replaced because the price would take a good chunk of the town's budget since the whole door would have to be replaced or a whole new cruiser bought. A few years ago Jake fixed it. . . sort of, he just hasn't had time to keep up with it recently.
The spell between us broke as my Dad made his way inside, wiping his boots on the mat by the door and hanging his snow dusted coat on the rack. I pulled away from Billy before he could ask.
"Billy, I didn't know you were coming by, Old man."
"I was in the neighborhood," he lied, though we could all see through it. "And you have a bigger tv."
I slip by them into the kitchen, glad I took out more fish to defrost this morning than I thought I'd need,
"This baby really does the Mariner's justice."
"This is our season, Charlie. I can feel it."
I let their familiar banter fill the silence, focusing on that rather than the revelations of my conversation with Billy while I fry up some of Harry's fish fry Sue gave me when I stopped by her house earlier this week.
All too soon I'm handing everyone an overflowing plate and a beer, situating myself on the loveseat near them. Cracking open a beer of my own I take a big sip, shaking my head with a shudder as the liquid went down my throat.
"You drinking tonight, Bells?" Charlie asks, his mustache twitching with his smile.
I'd miss moments like this. Normal hadn't been part of my life in a really fucking long time, and my decision to find some kind of normalcy after all of this shit winded down was sounding better by the day. . . It would never be 'watching baseball with fried food and beer with Charlie on a Tuesday' normal again.
"It's beer-battered fish, Dad, it goes better with beer. I just forgot to grab one I'd like," Rainer has never been my favorite but it was comforting that it was my father's.
I quietly watched them interact, taking a picture with my phone while pretending to text someone. Before long Billy was getting ready to go home and I hugged him as tightly as I could. "Thank you," I whisper in his ear, hoping he can feel how much I mean the simple words. It wasn't goodbye though, I'd work up to that in a few days.
One more trip to La Push. . . possibly ever. I still had everyone's Christmas presents hidden in my closet, and when I brought those over I'd ask Jake if he could drive me to the airport. I fought with the thought of this, asking him to do this for me when I've done nothing to deserve him being nice to me, but he was better than I am. . . and I'm selfish enough to want a few more hours with him.
I remember the day roughly three years ago when I agreed to give 'us' a chance. I hadn't slept well, though that wasn't a big change. I woke up screaming from the same nightmare that's haunted me since their departure, my voice almost gone from screaming. Charlie was already gone by the time I ventured out of my room, I was avoiding him and his growing concern.
I didn't want to go to school or spend my day listening to bored teachers drone on about things I already knew so rather than turning left into the school parking lot, I took the road leading towards La Push, and the only person who had earned a genuine smile from me in a year.
Somehow he misses the sound of my truck coming up the road because of the loud music coming from his garage, so when I force the door open he looks up surprised.
A second later he has me in his arms in a bone-crushing hug. "What are you doing here?"
I laughed. "What are you doing here?" He was supposed to be in school too.
"I got my GED like two months ago, Bells." How could I have forgotten? It was my bad luck bringing so many unwanted vampires to Forks that he was patrolling every day and night. He didn't let me wallow or shoulder the guilt for long, though, before he continued. "I've been working on car repairs." He gestured to the car with an open hood beside us. "So what's your excuse?"
I shrugged, not wanting to admit the real reasons, though he could see through me easily. "I didn't want to go to school, so I'm taking an unofficial senior skip day."
"I'm pretty sure that's not how it works."
I rolled my eyes at his light-hearted teasing. "Well, you're not a senior so you don't know."
He leaned back against the counter, warmth radiating off him like my own personal sun. "The day is ours, what do you want to do?"
I looked around the garage, my eyes settling on the familiar bikes leaning against the wall at the far end of the garage.
"You want to take the bikes out for a spin?" He offered.
I bit my lip, debating, because yes I do, but I don't want to face Charlie finding out, especially since I skipped today. "I shouldn't. I just got my brace off a week ago." I still wasn't good at driving them, but my hallucinations were still growing fewer and further between, making my interest wane even if I didn't want to consciously admit the reason the bikes piqued my interest originally.
"You shouldn't," he agreed. "But you've never gotten hurt when I was driving and you were holding on." He lifted an eyebrow, taunting me.
I tried to hide the smirk on my face but it was so easy being with my best and only real friend.
"Come on Bella, the weather is too nice to waste indoors."
He had a point. I pushed back the nervousness in my head and nodded. "Let's go to the beach."
Before the words finished coming out of my mouth, Jake was lifting a motorcycle over his head like a feather, bringing it outside.
I ran a hand through my hair before tying it up in a messy bun. Jacob patted the backseat.
I checked to make sure my phone was with me before wrapping my arms around his waist, not that they reached very far.
"You ready?" The motorcycle roared to life beneath us.
I nodded into his back, my face against his warm skin.
He gunned the engine and took off down the dirt road toward the ocean.
We weren't alone, a lot of people had the same idea on this rare sunny day, so we went farther down to Jake's so-called 'secret spot.'
I felt my phone vibrating, the ring was off because of school. I feel my heart speed up as I see Charlie's face on the screen. "Jake, stop. Turn it off." I rushed, opening the phone as soon as he complied. Charlie would kill me if he knew I was on a motorcycle. "Hey, Dad, what's up?"
"I just got an interesting call from your school saying you are absent." He commented.
Come up with an excuse! "Crap Dad, I thought I told you last night but you must not have heard. Uh, today's senior skip day." I hoped my lie sounded convincing.
"And where exactly are you?"
"I'm on the reservation with Jacob."
"Hey Charlie," Jake said loudly so he would hear. I shot him a grateful look.
"Oh okay. Uh, have fun Bells and I'll see you when I get off I guess?" He always had a soft spot for Jacob.
"Yeah no problem Dad, I have tilapia defrosting."
"Why don't you invite Jake over for dinner?"
I looked at Jacob who shook his head. He was doing patrols tonight so he needed to be here. "He can't come tonight Dad, he already made plans."
"Next time, Charlie," Jacob added.
"Well as long as you're safe, I have to get back to work, see you later Kid."
"Bye Dad." I pressed the end call button and waited for the screen to go black. "That was easy." Far easier than I expected, but then again my father had a soft spot for Jacob.
"Hold on." Jake kickstarted the engine and we were off again.
He took a sharp right into the forest and I sincerely hope he knows what he was doing. He skids to a stop. There's a small, empty beach no bigger than his garage.
I took off my flannel plaid over-shirt and my shoes, walking off into the sunlight. I set them by a makeshift driftwood bench and stuck my phone, on the loudest ring, in my sneaker, though there was no one else who would call. I stood by the shore, rolling up the bottom of my jeans so they won't get wet when I put my feet in the water. I had on a blue tank top that will hopefully allow my skin to get a little color. Jake was already in only shorts so he didn't have to change.
"Ah summer, my favorite day of the year," it's the truth, though. My best memories in Forks always took place during the summer.
I felt myself on the ground by the water one second, and splashing into the water a few feet farther the next. Jake was laughing his ass off as he came in after me. I splashed him, but that didn't stop his laughter.
God, it is like an ice bath here, even with the sun out. I pushed past him to get back to dry land, wringing my clothes out as much as I could.
"Aw don't be mad Bells! It was a joke." He insisted, dunking his head under the water and then shaking his head to get the water off his hair like a dog, thus pelting me with ice-cold water droplets.
"It's cold as shit, Jake. What the hell?" I continued to glare at him.
"I waited till you had your phone and stuff out of your pockets." He said as if that made up for everything.
Jake sees me shivering still and looks apologetic. He sat down next to me, pulling me into his warm arms until my teeth stopped chattering. When I'm warmer he let go, leaving his arm over my shoulders as I leaned into him.
I push the thoughts of everything else but this out of my mind and focus on how nice the sun feels on my skin. The Arizona native in me still loves heat and sunshine.
I felt his breathing change, his hand grazing my chin as he turned me to face him. Brown eyes meeting brown and as much as I wanted Edward back, being with Jake took the pain away. I could never love him like that, but maybe with enough time, I could love him like this. His eyes dropped to my lips as my breath caught in my throat.
A crisis of faith.
He leaned down until his nose pressed into mine. It was awkward at first but as I closed my eyes I realized I didn't care. It was completely different than anything I felt with Edward, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. His hot breath scorched my lips, and they parted when I gasped in shock. His lips skimmed mine as an unfamiliar tension snapped and popped between us. Suddenly I wondered what his skin would taste like, letting my gaze trail the length of his throat, and my mouth went dry.
Trying to center myself, I placed my hand on his chest, and I could feel his heart pounding under my own fingers.
His hot breath blew across my cheek making me shiver. "Was- was that okay?" The way Jake paused, giving me a chance to stop him had my heart squeezing. He was waiting. He was waiting for me to make a decision. He wasn't pushing. He wasn't demanding. He simply went still, waiting for my permission to proceed. Another tug to my heart.
I loved how one minute he could be so confident and suave, and then the next, he was second-guessing himself. I knew that had to do with me and my mixed messages, but he wanted me anyway.
Words don't come when I try to search for them and I feel myself nodding. Maybe it's time I tried to move on. Untie myself from the man I loved who never loved me. A year of keeping everyone at arm's length, but I didn't want him that far, my best friend who loved me so much it was palpable, even when I wasn't sure I would ever be healed enough to return his affection fully. "Y-yeah, that was, um, okay."
Was it the same as it had been with him? No, of course not. It wasn't even close, but I think that was a good thing. Something new and different.
"It's nice to see I'm not the only one who blushes," I said, as I watched Jacob's ears flush pink.
"Whatever," Jake said, rolling his eyes.
I wanted to get my thoughts in order before I said anything else. My jeans were still uncomfortably wet, but I went back to the water. The water along the shore where I was walking was no higher than my ankles and I kept an eye on my best friend. I walked along the shore looking at the shells like I did when I was little. I stumbled, catching myself before I fell. I spared a glance back at him and saw that he had such a serene look on his face. I was happy that I could bring him such peace for a change, as opposed to heart ache and uncertainty.
I find myself walking back to him, stopping a few feet away as I stumble over my thoughts. "I'm trying. . . and not purposefully being difficult. I-I don't want to give you mixed signals," I tell him. "If I ever confuse you, please bear with me, and just ask. . ." I trail off, my need for him to understand what I'm thinking only grew.
"I can definitely do that." His smile was contagious and it felt natural on my lips. Normal hadn't been part of my life in a really fucking long time but he's not judging me for not being stronger, and he's not telling me everything will be okay when we don't know that for sure.
Part of me cursed this closeness with Jake because I promised every part of me to the man I wanted to be with forever. . . And the other part was urging myself to stay in the moment, give into this glimpse of happiness that I thought I lost forever. I don't know if it just was my insecurities and fear holding me back, or just the overwhelming feelings coursing through me, but I was frustrated that it didn't feel like enough. I didn't feel like I was enough because even then I knew Jake deserved better than me.
The sun was starting to set when we got ready to leave.
We didn't stay much longer. I caught sight of the time when I went back to my stuff, not realizing we have been out here for around five hours already. Charlie would probably be home by the time I got back.
Getting ready to leave I buttoned up my plaid shirt so that it covered my stomach and bra, and pulled my tank top off underneath.
Jake watched me, confused and slightly amazed. "How did you do that?"
I laughed at the face he was making. "You have sisters, Jake. You've never seen anyone pull a shirt off underneath another shirt?" I found that hard to believe. I pulled the tank through a belt loop on my jeans to hold it and put my phone in the dry pocket of my shirt. I was glad when I finally pulled up to Charlie's, I am desperately in need of a shower, thanks to Jake.
"Hey Bells," he said from the couch as I closed the front door behind me.
"Hey, Dad."
"Did you have a good time?"
"Yeah, it was nice." Would have been nicer if I had either dressed appropriately or hadn't gotten thrown into the ocean.
"You went swimming fully clothed?" He must have noticed I look like a wet rat.
"Not purposely. Jake threw me into the water." I grumbled as I started climbing the stairs. "I'm gonna take a shower," I said over Charlie's laughter.
In my room alone, my hair still wrapped in a towel, I thought of our day. It was a nice day, strange. I don't know if I was happy but the overwhelming sadness wasn't as constricting. I didn't stop him when he pulled my face to his, his eyes waiting for my permission before he pulled my lips to his own, soft and warm. The sun instead of endless clouds and rain. Like a new spring day after a cold, unforgiving winter.
I opened the curtains first to let the light from the street in, and then the windows to air the room out. I'd shut them when the undisputed storm rolled in. There would be one, to be sure. There always was.
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable distance, and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. . .
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. . .
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.
The Only Exception - Paramore
A/N: Over 5400 words! I wasn't planning on this chapter being so long but I'm happy where it ended. The next chapter is Bella's last Christmas with Charlie and while I have most of it written there are still a few gaps between scenes. Reviewing will make me want to write more and thus the next chapter will be up sooner. . .
