Wow, I think I've just set a new record for lateness and unreliability. I would like to thank all the reviewers, who motivated me to get back here. This chapter took FOREVER to write, though it is mostly my fault. I just hope you've stuck around, cos I love all of you guys. Yes, even the ones that hate my story. I would be more specific, but this computer doesn't have internet access right now (will have to post this chapter using another comp), so I can't reread my reviews. Oh yeah, and quickie note - FFN didn't like me enclosing actions in stars, so now they're in bold instead. I don't really like it, but oh well.

P.S. I tried to lay off a little bit on the random caps here - they were beginning to irritate me.

P.P.S. I'm dedicating this one to Noriko M. Chijinu, for persistently requesting the crap I turn out. You're mostly responsible for my return. Also, SpoonSockSpork12, pioneer of the repeat reviewing. Who needs proofreading when you can just review OVER and OVER? God bless you.


THE WOES OF MRS. WEASLEY's cleaning up after several dozen children (Hey, it feels like it!) and SNAPE (Does he count as a child?)
Int: Creepy, unused, waste-of-space dungeon

(HARRY is SHOCKED)
HARRY: I'm shocked.
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR has SCISSORS)
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: I have scissors.
HARRY: What did you want, Hamlet's Soliloquy?
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Three words would have been nice.
HARRY: Fine. I am shocked.
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: groan Moving on...
HARRY: To quote Dumbledore, I'm OUTTA HERE!
(HARRY enters the creepy, unused, waste-of-space DUNGEON CORRIDOR)
MR. WEASLEY: What TOOK you so long?! I mean, did you get off?
HARRY: Yeah. You sound really worried too.
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Hey, his acting is better than YOURS!
(HARRY is PUT OUT. MR. WEASLEY STICKS OUT his tongue at him. The WIZIDUDES are leaving the COURTROOM)
MR. WEASLEY: Galloping gargoyles, Gary -
HARRY: Harry.
MR. WEASLEY: - you were tried by the full court!
HARRY: Yeah. They were climbing over each other for the opportunity to condemn me. Then Dumbledore showed up. satisfied grin
MR. WEASLEY: I'm trying to pretend as if Percy isn't my son but failing miserably because its obvious to everyone who can see that we're related from our traffic-cone hair! deep breath
HARRY: Couldn't have put it better myself.
MR. WEASLEY: Okay, let's hit the road! giggles I love using Muggle sayings!
HARRY: Um...oh look, there's Lucius.
MR. WEASLEY: Well, fancy seeing you here, LUCIUS.
HARRY: It is SO CUTE how you snarl his name!
(LONG PAUSE)
LUCIUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
MR. WEASLEY: Umm...yeah...we'd really love to chat, Lucius, but there's a regurgitating toilet I really must attend to, so, bye!
LUCIUS: Where do you think you're going? I have to spend some quality time with my favorite scarface!
HARRY: I'm honored.
LUCIUS, sweetly: So, Harry, how was your trial?
HARRY: Uh, good.
LUCIUS: And you got off?
HARRY: Uh, yeah, that's why it was good...I think I should "spend some quality time" with YOU now. What the HECK are you DOING here?
LUCIUS: Did you just say doing? (Another cookie oppurtunity for the gentle readers)
TPA: SCRIPT!
LUCIUS: Right...Harry DARLING, I do believe that's none of your business. I'm merely fond of visiting high-ranking ministry officials with large quantities of gold.
HARRY: Duly noted.
LUCIUS: Well then, my plot-advancing business here is done. Ta-ta!
MR. WEASLEY: Ugh, he is such a SNEAK!
HARRY: Ummm...okay.
MR. WEASLEY: He is the source of all evil!
HARRY: Right...why are we still talking about him?
MR. WEASLEY: Harry, you don't understand. My life is regurgitating toilets. Malfoy's like the most interesting thing I know.
Int: OotP HQ

HARRY: That was fast.
MR. WEASLEY: That's the best part of being in a book, Harry! You leave half an inch of blank page space and you can travel thousands of miles in it.
HARRY: YOU MEAN HE DIDN'T REALLY GO AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS?
MR. WEASLEY: Umm...well.
(HARRY'S childhood memories are DESTROYED)
RON: So you got off?
HARRY: Yuppo.
RON: "Yuppo??"
HARRY: Trying to add some spice to my dialogue. Sorry, won't do it again.
GINNY: I'm taking this opportunity to show off the New Ginny!
H/G SHIPPERS: ...whom Harry will soon fall in love with!
MR. WEASLEY: Well, everybody, I've got a date with a toilet. Bye!
(He LEAVES)
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh no, they're EATING! Meals are impossible to parody!
SEVERAL DAYS LATER.
HERMIONE: I wanna play psychiatrist! Sirius is lonely.
HARRY AND RON: Shut up, Hermione! As males we must be very ignorant to this sort of thing! It's plot-convenient too!
MRS. WEASLEY: Do some cleaning! Nar!
RON: I feel like a house-elf.
(HERMIONE's eyes LIGHT UP)
RON: No, Hermione. Just no.
HERMIONE: Aww.
R/H SHIPPERS: AWWW!
LAST DAY OF "HOLIDAYS".
RON: You've got mail!
HARRY: Well, that was just weird. Oh well, I GOT MAIL!! Yay! seizes letter Aww...it's just a booklist! That and toothpicks from the Dursleys are all I ever get!
RON: You'll get over it. Hey lookie, I'm a prefect!
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: NOOOOOOOO!! buries head in arms and sobs I'm sorry, Harry! I won't make fun of your anger problems any more!
(The TPA becomes too CHOKED UP to continue)
HARRY: Hey! I don't have anger problems! Grr.
(RON backs away SLOWLY. FRED and GEORGE arrive for some comic relief as most of the GENTLE READERS weep over their books)
GRED AND FORGE: Wow Ron! We'll have to banish you from the family like Percy!
(EVERYONE glares at them)
F&G: Sorry. Our bad. But anyway, we were sure Dumbledore would pick you Harry! You must feel REALLY ROTTEN!
(Enter HERMIONE)
HERMIONE: Congratulations Harry!
F&G: Wow! You must feel even MORE ROTTEN!
(HARRY decides to take the HIGH ROAD and try to be HAPPY for RON, or at least PRETEND to try. Just then the R/HR SHIPPERS realize all the "special time" RON and HERMIONE will be spending together on "prefect duties" and SQUEAL)
MRS. WEASLEY: AIIEEE!
R/HR SHIPPERS: Hey! We're supposed to be doing that!
TPA: It's a GOOOOOD ship, LOLLIPOP! It's a SWEEEET TRIP, to the CANDY SHOP!
EVERYONE: SHUT UP!
MRS. WEASLEY: Man, what do you have to do to get some attention around here?
(EVERYONE, including the TPA, STIFFENS and turns to her)
GRED AND FORGE: You have our full and undivided attention.
TPA: mutters That's novel.
MRS. WEASLEY: So...who made prefect?
HERMIONE: I did!
(She is utterly IGNORED)
HERMIONE: ...and RON!
MRS. WEASLEY: Shut UP!
RON: No, really, mum!
MRS. WEASLEY: RONNIE!
(She proceeds to KISS him REPEATEDLY. Even HERMIONE, who's supposed to be IN LOVE with him, looks slightly NAUSEOUS.)
MRS. WEASLEY: So, what'll it be?
RON (unblinkingly): A broomstick.
HERMIONE: I smell foreshadowing.
MRS. WEASLEY: Of course you can have a broomstick! insert obscure euphemisms used to express happiness here
(She abruptly bursts into TEARS. Every male in the room reflects upon how STRANGE women really are. FRED AND GEORGE, who, in eight hundred and seventy pages are the ONLY ones who realize that RON and HERMIONE are IN LOVE, make fun of them gently and then DISAPPARATE so HARRY can start being ANGRY)
HARRY: eyelid twitches
(HARRY'S ears start SMOKING)
RON: I'm going to...to, uh...to tell mum what kind of um, broomstick I want.
(RONNIE runs out of the room)
HERMIONE: wondering if someone will listen to her now So, may I borrow Hedwig?
HARRY: Yes, of course! I'm soo friggin happy! Do whatever you like with her! Anything goes now!
(His EYELID twitches SEVERAL MORE times. HERMIONE knows he is an EGOMANIAC, but no one is listening to her ANYWAY, so she leaves HARRY to figure it out on his OWN. However, it only gets WORSE. The GENTLE READERS brace themselves)
HARRY: snort Ron's such a moron.
ALL THE WEASLEY LOVERS: That's IT!
(The WEASLEY LOVERS slam shut their BOOKS, and hold off from opening them again for about THIRTY SECONDS. The other GENTLE READERS are kind of PROUD of them. HARRY gets something of a GRIP on himself and knocks off the CRAP. RON returns, and being as COOL as he is, does not RUB IT IN at all, even though he has been OVERSHADOWED by his more STUPID best friend for his entire CAREER at Hogwarts. JKR has the characters KILL TIME until MRS. WEASLEY returns)
MRS. WEASLEY: Please don't unwrap the broom.
(RON salutes her and she EXITS. Ron UNWRAPS THE BROOM. He is EXTREMELY ECSTATIC. HARRY, being the FIFTH WHEEL of the book, is NOT happy for him. HERMIONE pops back into the NARRATIVE as they go downstairs to a PARTY, so that the GENTLE READERS can mourn leaving almost all of the BEST CHARACTERS behind to go to HOGWARTS)
MRS. WEASLEY: Alastor...(The GENTLE READERS GROAN to see a cool name like MAD-EYE go unused.) would you look at something in the drawing room for us?
MAD-EYE: But of course.
(He DOESN'T MOVE)
MAD-EYE: Yup, it's a boggart.
(JKR suddenly goes into a COUGHING FIT)
JKR: Sorry...sorry, choked on all the foreshadowing...I'm cool now.
(MOODY continues to FRIGHTEN everyone with his RESOUNDING PARANOIA, which apparently covers a wide RANGE of subjects, including PREFECTS, much to RON'S disappointment)
MOODY: I knew a prefect once...he was BRUTALLY MURDERED!
RON: REALLY?
MOODY: No, but it freaks 'em out every year.
(There is a TOAST as more GREAT CHARACTERS arrive, and TONKS makes everything BETTER, even managing to make HARRY happy. All of the H/G SHIPPERS ignore this, HOWEVER, as there is a description of a HAPPY GINNY from HARRY'S point of view, which is CONCLUSIVE PROOF that they are also IN LOVE. HARRY learns that JAMES was not a prefect either, and he feels even HAPPIER as the DEVOUT FANS take notes. The other characters proceed to be really IN CHARACTER, so of course that part is omitted from this parody because being in character is PROHIBITED. MRS. WEASLEY leaves the PARTY and the TPA is finally allowed to CLOSE PARENTHESES)
MOODY: Lookit this photo, Harry! Most everyone in it is dead or worse! Isn't it cool! It's even got your mum and dad being nice to the man who killed em!
(HARRY leaves the party. The GENTLE READERS are freaked out by MRS. WEASLEY'S boggart - the death of several fave characters. It WRAPS UP with an image of Dead!Harry, which a few of the GENTLE READERS are surprised to find themselves ENJOYING. Lupin shows up and REMINDS us why we all love him by being SWEET and UNDERSTANDING. The chapter DRAWS TO A CLOSE on an OMINOUS note, and the TPA is STUNNED to realize she actually COMPLETED this one.)


I know, I think it was my worst yet. I think you can tell where I picked up again after several months, as it stopped being remotely funny. Hopefully a little more practice and I'll get back into that off-key humor that my beloved critics have come to hate. I'm not going to give any deadlines for the next chapter, because I really don't know. I just want you readers to know that I'm thinking of you, though, even if it takes me THREE YEARS to publish the next installment! (Sound familiar?)