"Oblivion" by VjeraNadaLjubav

Summary: One night of oblivion can have terrible consequences...
Rating: PG-13 (might be changed to R later on)
Spoilers: Hmm... "Benton Backwards", "Flight Of Fancy", all Maggie episodes and some Bishop Stewart episodes.
Disclaimer: "ER" does not belong to me. It belongs to NBC, WB, Amblin, Constant C and a ton of other people...
Acknowledgements: Huge thanks to Caran, who spent countless AIM chat sessions being badgered by me to help with development of the ever-changing plotline and beta read this story for me. And thanks to countless other ER friends, especially Naomi, who encouraged me to continue writing it despite the doubts I've had about it, and Jen, who helped with some of the dialogue.
Stuff that doesn't fit into other categories:
- It is somewhat of a parallel/alternate universe fic by now, since I started writing it in May 2001. It is in my own sick little universe, and there is no Season Eight, Nine, Ten, or Eleven and no one's gone and no one's dead! insert mad scientist laugh here
- As mentioned above, this fic was started even before I went to college (three years ago, to be truthful), long before Luka and Abby broke up, and was probably the one fic all my ER AIM buddies could recite backwards and forwards. I've abandoned it for a while because I had no ideas for it, and I've decided to take it up again because I have no new fic ideas... It is not going to be a particularly happy story, or a one that makes much sense, so bear with me – the idea for the story just needed to come out and would not take "no" for an answer. From the things that happen later in the story, some might surmise that I hate Abby, which I don't – I liked her up the beginning of season Nine, but after that I became merely indifferent to her, and I will not trying to turn her evil here. I just wanted to explore an often-overlooked theme that I have noticed, and Luka and Abby had somehow fit into the story.
- The story starts in early June of 2001.
- Italics indicate a dream or a flashbacky thing.
- Any suggestions about the fic are welcome, since I am still not sure how it will end after threesomething years of working on it.

Chapter One - "The Morning After"

The laughter was getting louder and louder.

Abby opened her eyes and looked around, wondering who was laughing so noisily and disturbing her sleep. She frowned when she saw that Maggie was walking towards her hand in hand with Luka. Abby suddenly felt jealous of that laughter, jealous of the way Luka held Maggie's hand.

They stopped in front of her, and she realized that Maggie was wearing a wedding dress and Luka wore the suit he usually wore to church. She looked down and saw an engagement ring on Maggie's left hand.

"I'm sorry, Abby. Your mother is more mature. She is a very nice woman. It's nothing against you personally, but you are just not mature enough for me," Luka whispered and turned away, smiling at Maggie who suddenly seemed to become many years younger. Abby tried to say something, to ask them what the hell was going on, but nothing came out.

"Abby, honey, meet your new stepfather," Maggie said, lifting her bride's veil up so Luka could kiss her.

Abby opened her mouth to scream...

... and woke up. The first thing she felt was the burning in her throat. She remembered crying the night before, watching a nine-year-old die. A nine-year-old girl raped and left to die in the pouring rain. She remembered going to a bar, with someone. She remembered drinking. But she wasn't supposed to drink. She was an alcoholic. She promised herself to never drink again when she joined the AA. But here she was, God knows where, hung over and pained. Her stomach hurt and she cringed as she felt a cramp spreading through her lower body. There was someone in bed along with her, and she could feel an elbow painfully digging into her back. Did she have sex at all last night? Did she go to this man's apartment and sleep with him? Luka wouldn't talk to her in ages is she was lucky. If she wasn't, she would lose him just like she lost everything in her life. She was a loser after all, and nothing would change that.

She opened her eyes and closed them immediately, pained by the light coming into the room from somewhere - probably through a window, her brain supplied helpfully. She wanted a drink. She wanted to cry. What would she do now that the demons were loose again? She needed to kick whoever it was in the bed out or leave his apartment, call Luka and pretend that everything was fine and that she was just a little bit sick – yes, a stomach flu, a 24-hour bug. She opened her eyes again and found herself staring at the ceiling of her apartment. At least one problem was solved - location. She turned her head to the left. A half-empty bottle of vodka stood on the nightstand. That explained the hangover. It was hard to turn her head right. The man was there, and she had no idea who he was. She slowly turned her head and her blurry vision focused on a man's back, with several reddened and almost parallel scratches across the shoulder blades. After a moment, she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She was with Luka, and it seemed she got a little carried away last night. She frowned. That still didn't add up. Luka and alcohol were two different parts of her life. Luka turned around in his sleep and groaned groggily, and Abby frowned again as she smelled alcohol on his breath.

Abby tried to recall more of the previous evening and vaguely remembered a bruising kiss when they felt a need to resort to physical action but were restrained due to their location. She remembered sitting on a squeaky barstool, with Luka by her side, thinking that any other day it would have been great, but not that Friday. That Friday had nothing good about it. She was nursing one beer after the other, holding on to the beer bottle as if it was full of liquid happiness, babbling about how she was scared and disgusted with the human race for being able to hurt their own so horribly. Luka listened to her, but was slightly preoccupied by holding on to his glass while muttering something to himself, and sometime later, he became frighteningly quiet while she couldn't stop laughing. After the bar they went to the liquor store, and she could swear that they bought the most fucking expensive bottle of booze there was in it. She had no recollection of getting home, but she knew she was the one to instigate the sex, and that Luka was the one who didn't really want to. She laughed hoarsely. Nurse Rapes Doctor Boyfriend While Intoxicated. It would be a great headline for the newest ER Gossip Report.

She wanted to fall asleep again, and wake up forgetting everything that happened, but life was unfortunately not that easy. Sometimes, she wondered why the human mind could retain everything bad in it for years, while forgetting the good moments right after they happened. Abby poked at the corners of her eyes with her fingers, trying to clear her head and wake up. Luka coughed into the pillow and pulled the covers closer to him. She looked at him, trying to forget about the fact that she got drunk. She needed to think about something other then her craving for a drink. To keep sane, she just thought about Luka. He seemed very peaceful when he slept, even now. He looked younger when he slept, a cliché that really seemed to be true for him, and the worry lines that seemed to be etched into his face during the day were almost invisible. He was awkwardly curled in her small bed, his feet sticking slightly over the other end. He looked so calm, so peaceful, so – normal, the little voice that seemed to narrate her hangovers added. Abby sighed and tried to think, not succeeding very well. She could never describe their relationship. Ever since the first kiss outside the ER, she knew that he was nothing like the previous men in her life. Abby remembered her excitement when they went out on a "date", and she discovered that Luka was different from what she imagined him to be. Like all single women in the ER, she was attracted to him physically; after all, she was a divorced woman in her late twenties, without a social life, and it seemed natural to try to go on a date with a very attractive, single doctor. Even during the first date, she was aware how different he was from his persona at work. He was funny, intelligent and he looked so good she had to prevent her brain from mentally undressing him while they talked.

That night, she felt very young again, and it was less like the usual boring wine-dine-fuck date and more like a sneaking out date with a hot guy from school. Everything seemed to be going great. They were walking outside, joking, becoming slightly more physical. Abby remembered the warmth of his hands as he held her hand between them, him asking if she was cold, and the soft, flirting notes in his voice made her feel special. No one ever wanted to talk to her. Most men only wanted the sex, and didn't even waste one moment to think about her as a human being, a woman. Luka did, and it flattered her. Just when she was ready to believe that this was a start of a great, uncomplicated relationship, the illusion ended. His hands disappeared from hers, and he was suddenly collapsing forward without a sound. She remembered, very vaguely, the man waving the pipe that had blood on it, Luka's blood. She remembered how suddenly the attacker disappeared from her view, remembered Luka smashing him against the gate, remembered the sound of the pipe dropping to the ground. With horror, she watched Luka continue slamming their incapacitated attacker again and again against the pavement, doing it with horrifying regularity. She saw the blood from the attacker's head on the cement and yelled for him to stop. Finally, he did, turning around to look at her, and she could barely stifle a scream. He looked like a wounded animal in a cage, eyes wild and uncomprehending, teeth bared, shaking with rage. After he released the already comatose man he sat down on the ground, and sat there, shaking, while she ran to call 911. When the paramedics came, he suddenly jumped up, and started to take vitals along with them and insisting that he was okay, but she could not shake off the memory of the madness and fear she saw in his eyes.

He left the ER after their attacker died, the back of his head still covered with blood. She was worried about him for several days, going over the worst scenarios in her head every moment that was not spent thinking about how beautiful he was. Finally, she decided that she needed to take the matter into her own hands. She took his address out of the personnel file and went to his hotel, dreading what she might see. When he opened the door, he looked so forlorn that she couldn't stop herself from being even more attracted to him. She barely remembered how their kissing started, but she knew that she couldn't stop it. Their kissing in silence continued for a long time, both of them savoring the intimacy neither of them had with another person for a long time. Some time much later, they finally stopped and looked at each other, knowing that at least for a short time they have found someone they wanted to be with. That night, she slept in Luka's bed, and both of them slept better then they did in a long time.

Their current relationship was more established. After several hurried encounters with prolonged "morning-after" effects, complicated by Maggie's breakdown and Luka going away to Croatia unexpectedly, they sat down and talked. Luka explained that it was somewhat difficult for him to deal with the relationship, because he wasn't sure what to do and he had problems adjusting to it, that he was slightly unused to the idea of a relationship outside marriage. She explained how it was difficult for her as well, that her divorce from Richard was very hard on her, and they called a truce. They have already been together for almost a year, and that said something, or so she hoped. But something was still between them, some invisible wedge not allowing them to fully understand each other. For a while, it went well, but then one day she got the call from Richard and had to go off to Oklahoma. The trip produced a tension in their relationship, but after Maggie seemingly straightened herself out, they reconciled. For the last month, everything finally seemed to go the way it should. But what would happen after this morning? Abby thought to herself, feeling cold all of a sudden. Would they be able to go on like nothing happened? Should they?

Abby put her hand on Luka's shoulder and shook him with all her strength. He mumbled something and just lay there, still asleep.

"Luka!" she said loudly and shook him again. He groaned and hoarsely muttered "Odjebi…" but still didn't open his eyes.

Already aware that it was probably the Croatian equivalent of "Fuck off!" from many early mornings when one or both of them had to work, Abby resorted to pinching his shoulder, one of the things that was usually guaranteed to wake him up. He groaned, swatted at her hand and continued to sleep. She took a good look at Luka's face and cringed. He looked just as bad as she felt - his face seemed to be gray, his lower lip was slightly swollen and there was a bruise on his chin. Abby sighed and pinched his shoulder as hard as she could. Luka opened his eyes and sat up suddenly, and Abby was willing to bet a lot of money that the thoughts going through his head almost exactly mirrored hers from a short time ago. Luka turned his head, saw her and paled slightly.

"We got drunk last night, didn't we?" he muttered, nervously tugging at the bed sheet.

"Yes," was all Abby could say. She felt ashamed, having broken a promise to herself that was the most important promise she ever made in her life. Her gaze shifted to the pack of the birth control pills on the nightstand, the small orange pill under "Fri." still taking up its spot. As she was quite sure that something happened between her and Luka last night, it was not a good sign.

"I didn't – didn't do anything you didn't-"

"No," Abby said, unable to look at him, and feeling quite repulsed with herself.

Luka got up from the bed, pulled on a T-shirt that was lying on the floor near the bed and without a word, walked out of the bedroom. Abby lay on the bed for several more moments, trying to collect her thoughts, but realized it was a futile undertaking, so she pulled on a bathrobe and finger-combed her tangled hair. She walked to the kitchen, noticing that Luka had started the coffeemaker and put some bread in the toaster. Abby opened the refrigerator and looked intently for something to diminish the hangover - unfortunately, the only thing she could think of was exactly what had caused it in the first place. Somewhere in Abby's pained mind, her medical skills whispered advice, but Abby felt too achy to listen to the voice of reason. The urge to throw up became too great and she made it to the bathroom just in time to lose whatever she ate the night before. The bout of nausea seemed to go on forever, and she cringed at the acidic taste in her mouth as she kneeled in front of the toilet, her knees hurting from the cold floor tiles.

After she brushed her teeth several times, Abby returned to the kitchen. She shuddered, feeling another wave of nausea rip through her, and padded over to the toaster, where the two slices of toast had long since popped up and turned hard and inedible. Thankfully, the coffee was still warm, so she poured herself a cup and drank it in two gulps, needing to stop her mouth from feeling like a distillery was located in it. After the caffeine kicked in, Abby was able to think more clearly. She realized that there was no sign of Luka anywhere, and that they really needed to talk. Muttering a few obscenities under her breath, Abby walked back into the bedroom to bury herself within the covers after having the talk with Luka. She had to be at work soon, but she didn't really care - right now she needed to die for a few hours, or at least get over feeling like she had been run over by several trucks. Calling in sick sounded like a great idea at this moment. Doing that, and perhaps convincing Luka to do the same. The ER would be short-staffed, but it was better off without them then with them this morning.

She made a detour to the bathroom to brush her teeth yet again and after doing that returned to the bedroom. There was a notable bulge underneath the covers, and for a moment, Abby thought that the mystery of Luka's disappearance had been solved. But alas, it was just a tangle of sheets, and feeling even more anxious, Abby went in search of Luka throughout the apartment. His coat was gone, as was his pager and cell phone. Feeling reasonably irritated, Abby picked up the phone in the kitchen and dialed Luka's cell phone number. After what seemed to be an hour, the call finally went through.

"What?" Luka sounded as if he was about to shoot the phone.

"Where are you?" she asked tersely.

"I'm on my way to work," Luka grumbled. "I'm driving on Eisenhower-"

"I get it, Luka," Abby interrupted, rubbing her temples and wishing that her brain would just go numb and turn off. "I just thought you would have a reason for running out like that, that's all."

"I didn't run out," Luka muttered. "You were vomiting for twenty minutes. I told you that I was leaving when you were in the bathroom."

"Well, Luka, I was too busy puking up liver bile and alcohol to hear you," Abby snapped. She ran her fingers through her messy hair and gingerly sat down onto a kitchen chair, favoring her still spinning head. "You could have left a note. You know, you take a pen, take a piece of paper and write letters on it. Ever done it before?"

"There is no need to be sarcastic," Luka answered sharply. "I assumed that you'd leave right after me. You're on in ten minutes, you know."

"And how the hell am I supposed to get to work? Fly?" Abby inquired sourly. "You took the car!"

"I don't know - take the L, or take a cab, or- or I will just tell Weaver you're not feeling well and won't be in," Luka offered anxiously. "Look, I'm almost there. If I go back to get you we'll both be late - and we - we can have lunch tomorrow if we're up to it, okay? I got you some food from the bakery. It's on the table in the hall. Rest a little bit, relax."

His voice wavered on these words and nearly cracked, and Abby was sure that if she stayed on the phone for just one more moment she could talk him into calling in sick and coming back to the apartment, so they could talk. However, she suddenly felt spiteful and decided against it.

"Sure, fine, whatever, see you in the evening, bye," she muttered, slamming the phone receiver down. This day was definitely not one of the best in her life. In fact, it probably ranked as one of her worst. Not comparable to Maggie-in-Oklahoma kind of day, but definitely equal to Maggie-showing-up-in-the-ER day.

She looked down on her dresser, her eyes stopping on the massive silver frame that had been given to her by Eric on the day of her wedding. A long time ago it contained her wedding picture, but since Christmas of last year it had been occupied by a photo of Luka that she took one evening when they were watching movies. He looked so different on it; different from the Luka she saw every day and the total opposite of the man she woke up next to this morning. Luka was laughing when she took the photo. Abby closed her eyes and tried to remember what his laugh sounded like, but her memory refused to replay anything but the events of the night before and the morning after.