I got exactly zero time to plot about Madame Christmas, partly because I was given my State Alchemists assignment the next day and partly because she called me herself that same evening about collaboration. I spent a good long while going through what had happened and what I thought had gone wrong, and eventually had to come to the conclusion that Madame Christmas was going to do whatever the fuck she wanted and I wasn't likely to ever figure out why. It was irritating and relieving in the same breath. She could always be counted on to keep me on my toes, but goddamnit sometimes I had the need to know what everyone was doing and why!
My assignment was shadowing Doctors, ER doctors, specialty ones, and just anyone with an actual degree who had nothing to do with alchemy. I wasn't yet sure if this was a ploy to keep me out of the way or a genuine attempt to fuse types of medical practice.
The first day was a bit of a shit show, and nothing at all like Grays Anatomy (the show not the actual book, which might be a useful reference here now that I think about it-). The moment I got home I collapsed onto the couch and tried to think of nothing at all, only for the phone to ring. I groaned into a pillow before fish-flopping closer to where the phone was, yanking it out of the cradle and smooshing it to my ear, "What."
"Hello to you too, Stephanie."
Even the sound of Roy's voice after a few days of turmoil regarding where I actually stood with him wasn't enough to get me to sit up straight, staying flopped over instead.
"Yes, yes, hello."
After a beat of silence, he huffed in amusement, "Well, are you going to tell your dear mentor what they have you doing? Maes was only able to find out that you're doing shifts somewhere that isn't with him."
I groaned, "They have me at the Central Hospital shadowing a bunch of different doctors for some reason. In a month they're going to let me go back to a lab."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"Roy, they run around more than Edward Elric and individually drink more coffee than Heymans Breda and Jean Havoc combined."
"Ah. Should I be planning a rescue mission?"
"No need, if it gets too bad I'm just faking my death."
"Off to be a pirate, then? Should I tell Jean to be ready to be abducted and set up as the first mate?"
I groaned louder [I knew that pirate shit was going to stick, damn drunk me], "No. Besides, you know damn well Riza would be the better first mate."
"Obviously, but she's not going to let herself be shanghaied into the role."
"Unfortunately true." [I am not going to think about the dimensional implications of the fact that the word 'shanghaied' means the same thing here, I am not-], "But anyway, it's just a month. I think they're hoping I pick up on shit that needs improvement and focus on that once I get lab time."
"Are you?"
"Probably, but not because they tell me to."
He laughed, quietly in that way that told me he was trying to keep Riza from hearing him. "Well, be sure you make a few calls to here from the lab just to cover our asses."
"Obviously. I'm probably going to make a new bug set so I can ask actual questions while I'm there."
"Why would you need that? You know worlds more about this entire branch of alchemy than I do."
[Ha, worlds is ironically the correct phrasing here.]
"I might know the medical nonsense, but you're better at the alchemy bits than I am. I'd rather run things by you first before I fumble around with them and-" There was a loud noise that was more interference than voice, then a door slamming open. Riza's voice was the next on the phone, "Who is this?"
"Um, Arcaro?"
Her tone softened the slightest bit, "Hello, Major. I'm sorry but the Lt. Colonel has things that need to be done today."
"That's fine, could you tell him I'll call when I have an update?"
"Of course."
The line went dead and I lay there, holding the phone, trying to find the will to get up. Loud knocking from the front door had me groaning into the couch cushion again. "It's open!"
Maes stormed in, "Well, that's dangerous, don't do that anymore! Now come on, Elicia wants to play Candyland and we need a fourth!"
I just groaned louder, but couldn't drown him out. "If you weren't ready to be drafted into game night you shouldn't have given her the games!"
{}
It was during what should have been the lunch hour when one of the less harried desk nurses popped her head into the room where an orthopedic surgeon was holding me hostage with social convention and military bureaucracy.
"Major Arcaro, there's a call for you from Eastern Command, something about…pirates?"
If Roy Mustang weren't already my favorite human being this would catapult him to the top of the list instantaneously. I kept my face set into a serious expression, nodding to the nurse,
"Ah yes, I should handle that now, actually. Thank you for sharing your theory Doctor Prescott, but I'm afraid this is a time-sensitive issue."
I did my best to walk briskly and not get caught sprinting away, nodding in thanks when the nurse indicated the furthest phone along the wall.
I snapped a disposable bug out of its casing, turning so my back was to the nurses' station and placing the bug the best I could. With a whirl of the sonic the bug lit up and I pressed the phone to my ear, hearing the correct note ringing in the undertone of static. No doubt Roy heard it on his end as well because he spoke up, "Major?"
"You are my new favorite person, let no one tell you otherwise."
He huffed a laugh, "Did Doctor Jordon get you with the rant on more funding for chimera research?"
"No, Prescott." Roy made a disgusted noise and I couldn't keep the grin off my face, "He was trying to expound upon the benefit of the leech pool again."
I heard the shiver from the other end of the line and tried not to laugh as he said, "I know leeches work sometimes, but just-" another shiver, and I couldn't contain a choked giggle, glancing around to make sure none of the nurses heard it, though one was staring in my direction for some reason. I raised an eyebrow, causing her to flush and turn back to what she was doing. Roy's voice brought me back to the conversation,
"Speaking of leeches, did you figure out what was causing the temp bug failures, or are we still testing them?"
"Leeches are actually a type of worm, not a bug."
He sighed explosively, "Of course they are. You know what I meant, Stephanie."
"We're still testing them, though I'm fairly sure it's electrical surges. The public electrical grid isn't kind to delicate work like this, it'll no doubt be better for military-to-military line connection. And not to mention that I'm trying to do end-to-end encryption with a phone system still using goddamn needles, so there's bound to be some disconnect here."
"For the sake of time, I'm going to ignore all of that I didn't understand. Is this something fixable?"
"Not particularly. With the temps it's looking like it'll be best to carry a handful at a time and be ready for if the call 'drops' and we're back to being on an unsecured line mid-conversation. Though that bit you managed last time to avoid saying anything incriminating was inspired."
"It's the same method I use on all non-work calls during work hours, but in reverse."
"Wait, are you saying that hiding your bullshiting from Riza is actually helping with espionage? What the fuck."
I could practically hear him grinning, "Yes, and if she hears any of the fun stuff I can now say one of your bugs dropped and I had to have a cover conversation for a bit while a new one was applied."
I had to pause for a moment to take that in. "I don't know whether to be in awe of your brilliance or baffled by your bullshit."
He snorted, "Well, obviously I'd prefer the first option-" the undertone of the temp bug actively connecting to the permanent one on his office phone cut out abruptly and he didn't even pause, "-but the season isn't right for the petunias you requested."
It was only the knowledge that we were being watched by people who could and would kill us for stepping out of line that kept me from outright cackling at the nonsense he was spewing, nonsense that I now had to just roll with like this was 'Whose Line is it Anyway'.
"That's too bad, the glycosides found in those leaves would have helped with that analgesic project I was thinking of. It'll set back the bronchitis research until I can find a workaround." I started unwrapping a new bug, speaking as I fiddled it into position. "Do you know if there are any bulbs left over from last season? There's always the possibility of embryonic-" the hum of the connected bugs snapped back into place and I gave in to the cackle, the nurses' station luckily empty.
"Petunias?!"
"There were flowers out the window and I panicked!" He responded defensively. "Could you really use petunias in bronchitis research?"
"Yes, I could. Which is good, because now I think I'm going to have to start growing goddamn flowers in the lab just in case that little show was heard. Are they really not in season?"
"Hmm, no they aren't. I actually might have-" The bug gave out again and I amended my theory on fluctuations to include an aspect of cascade failure when using several in a row on a public phone, "-the names of a few florists who might have what you're looking for. I'll send one of the men out later today to see if there are any in Eastern and follow up on what they find tomorrow."
Oh good, he already found us an excuse to talk tomorrow. "Thank you, sir. That would be extremely helpful."
It was only later that I realized he hadn't really gotten to whatever reason he'd had for calling. Checking the time I grimaced before resolving to address it the next day. Unless I caught him at work he was unreachable to me, I really needed to fix that.
{}
Maes glanced up at me over his cards, not quite managing to look uninterested.
"Did Roy really send you flowers?"
"I mean yeah, but it was so I could dissect them for science?"
"...I don't know what to do with you two."
"Love us?"
"I suppose."
"Uno, by the way."
"I've changed my mind, no love for you."
Gracia slapped down a draw four that ruined my life, angelic smile not even faltering.
"Are you sure he didn't send you flowers to be sweet?"
I grudgingly drew my four cards, "No, we talked it over, I needed initial samples to start the bronchitis research. He's going to send more bulbs later so I can beef up the mini-greenhouse in the labs."
"Hey, hey, hey, no alchemy talk at the table! Especially not on game night! Especially especially not during adult game hours! And Uno, by the way!"
It was mine and Gracia's turn to groan, throwing back a shot each of the nonsense Maes had convinced me to whip up in their kitchen. Gracia stared at the empty shot glass after she'd downed it, "What is this again? And why is the fruit and spice on the side necessary?"
"Tequila. And I don't actually know why the limes and salt are necessary, it's just how I've always seen it done?" The phone rang from the kitchen and Maes left to answer, taking his card with him. "I knew how to make it because of my brother, but I wasn't old enough to drink it when I left home. Wow, I hope that doesn't start to bug me, because there's no way to know anymore."
Gracia made a soft, hurt, sound, pouring me another shot. "Here, drink it better, Steph."
The shot was taken away before it could even really leave her hand and touch mine. I glared at Maes but he just sunk the shot himself, motioning behind him.
"Nope, no more drinks, the call is for you."
"Ah. Roy?"
"Who else?"
I grumbled to myself but left to answer the phone.
"To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"How drunk are you?"
"Rude way to start a conversation, but go off. And I'm not."
"Good, because you have work to do. I got word that there's going to be a surprise inspection on some of the labs tomorrow and your lab is one of them."
I groaned, "Of fucking course. Are they looking to get people in trouble, or is this just to make sure people are actually working on shit?"
"It seems more of a check on progress than anything, but you've been working on the bugs in the lab lately, haven't you?"
"Yeah, I'll have to clear that tech out tonight I guess, but it's honestly just spare parts, I don't leave completed work there anyways."
"Do you have enough research done to cover for that time you spent on the bugs?"
"I should. I'll check everything while I'm there and make sure. If nothing else I can blame all the time they've been forcing me to spend at the hospital."
"Good. And Stephanie?"
"Yeah?"
"I know you're good at playing cat burglar, but this is Central Command. Be careful."
I resisted the urge to snort, images of breaking into Central Command on previous occasions running through my mind.
"Of course, when am I not?"
The call ended while he was still mid-sigh and I chuckled to myself as I pulled my coat on, heading for the door.
"Sorry guys, but I've gotta head out for the night"
A chorus of groans and goodbyes followed me out the door, the cool night air hitting me in the face like a wall. I was humming to myself as I walked, contemplating how things were going. Maybe I wouldn't be needing that hermit cave to retreat to after all.
{}
Wishing a calm Veterans Day to my (former and active) Armed Forces friends (and spouses) [get you your free tall at Starbucks (Nov. 11 only), treat yo self].
A reminder that reviews give me life and yes I listen to suggestions and criticisms. Do I do anything with them? Depends. 3
~TimeLordOfPie
