Fun with Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet
Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with "Smallville" or "Superman." Shakespeare's work is in the public domain.
Warnings: Slash. Because otherwise I wouldn't be writing it. I may occasionally play fast and loose with iambic pentameter, but then, I'm in good company. I play faster and looser with the characterization. Apologies to "Smallville" purists.
Author's Notes: The notes are extensive and will be added as a separate chapter at the end. For now I'll just say: "Though this be madness, yet there is method in't." (Hamlet, II,ii) No, really, there is.
Prologue
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In Smallville, Kansas, where I lay my scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose misadventur'd piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which but their children's end naught could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of this page;
The which, if you with patient eyes attend,
What here shall miss, my toil shall strive to mend.
Act I, Scene i
The Talon
Since there were only two coffee houses in Smallville, Lana was used to seeing pretty much everyone pass through. Everyone who lived in Smallville, that is; not Lionel Luthor from Metropolis. She was cleaning up form the morning rush when Lionel came in.
"O where is Lex?" asked Lionel. "Saw you him today?"
"Sir, an hour before the worshipp'd sun peer'd forth the golden window of the east, a troubled mind drave me to walk abroad, where, underneath the grove of sycamore that westward rooteth from the city's side, so early walking did I see your son. Towards him I made; but he was ware of me, and stole into the covert of the wood. I, measuring his affections by my own -- That most are busied when they're most alone -- Pursu'd my humour, not pursuing his, and gladly shunn'd who gladly fled from me."
"Thank you, Lana, but a simple 'yes' would have sufficed." Lionel turned on his heel and left the Talon.
"Well," Lana muttered to herself, "That's one way to get rid of him."
Almost before Lionel was out of sight, Lex entered. Wasn't it getting late in the morning for all this traffic? "Good morrow, partner!" she greeted him.
Lex looked vaguely surprised. "Is the day so young?"
"But new struck nine," she told him.
"Ay, me, sad hours seem long," sighed Lex. "Was that my father that went hence so fast?"
"It was. What sadness lengthens Lex's hours?"
"Not having that which, having, makes them short." Apparently Lex thought he was being cryptic.
"In love!" Lana intuited.
"Out –"
"Out of love?"
"Out of favor where I am in love," he explained.
Lana patted his hand. "Alas that Love, so gentle in his view, should be so tyrannous and rough in proof." She turned away to make fresh coffee; it looked like Lex might be there a while.
"Alas," Lex agreed, "that Love, whose view is muffled, still should, without eyes, to see pathways to his will... Tut! I have lost myself; I am not here: This is not Lex, he's some other where. "
Men. Always with the drama.
"Tell me in sadness, who is that you love?"
"Bid a sick man in sadness make his will -- Ah, word ill urg'd to one that is so ill! -- In sadness, cousin, I do love a man."
Lana turned from the coffeemakers and folder her arms. "I aim'd so near when I suppos'd you loved."
Lex laughed. "A right good marksman! And he's fair I love."
"A right fair mark, fair partner, is soonest hit."
"Well, in that hit you miss," said Lex. "He'll not be hit with cupid's arrow. He hath Dian's wit, and in strong proof of chastity, well arm'd from Love's weak childish bow he lives uncharm'd. He will not stay the siege of loving terms, nor bide th' encounter of assailing eyes, nor ope his lap to saint-seducing gold: O, he's rich in beauty; only poor that, when he dies, with beauty dies his store."
"Straight guy, huh?"
Lex shook his head. "I don't know why I talk to you."
"It's a mystery," agreed Lana. "Here's your coffee."
Act I, Scene ii
The Kents' Living Room
Meanwhile back at the ranch (the ranch being, in the case, a farm), Martha Kent was beginning to worry about her son's love-life, or lack thereof.
"He's seventeen and hasn't had a serious girlfriend yet," she was telling Jonathon.
"Thank god for that," responded her husband. "Seventeen is too young to be serious."
"I guess I'm not saying it's wrong, just ... strange. He's so serious about everything else. And for the longest time he was pining for Lana, then he took Chloe to the prom, then he was back to pining for Lana. Now it seems like all he thinks about is school and chores, and I'm not so sure about school.
Jonathon studied her. "Why do I have the feeling you've already had an idea and you're just working up to it?"
Martha chuckled. "Well, it is Memorial Day this weekend. I thought we could have a barbecue, maybe invite over some of Clark's friends ..."
"Like Chloe and Lana."
"Well, of course, them too – "
Jonathon stood and kissed her on the forehead on his way out. "Yes, dear. Just promise me: No Luthors."
Act I, Scene 2.5
The Talon
Forty-five minutes later, Lex was still at the Talon mooning over the unnamed, object of his affections, whom Lana was beginning to imagine as being an overgrown Ken doll.
"Tut, man," she said, "One fire burns out another's burning, one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish; Turn giddy, and be holp by backward turning; One desperate grief cures with another's languish: Take thou some new infection to they eye, and the rank poison of the old will die!"
Lex grumbled something about plantains.
"Why, Lex, art thou mad?"
"Not mad, but bound more than a madman is; shut up in prison, kept without food, whipp'd and tormented and – "
To Lana's immense relief, the phone rang. It was Mrs. Kent, inviting her over for Memorial Day. After she hung up, Lana suggested to Lex that he should come too. "Mrs. Kent said she was inviting over a lot of Clark's friends, so there will probably be plenty of underage boys you could gawk at.
Lex declined. "When the devout religion of mine eye maintains such falsehood, then turn tears to fires; And these --who, often drown'd, could never die-- Transparent heretics, be burnt for liars! One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun ne'er saw her match since first the world begun," he protested.
Lana rolled her eyes and laughed at him. "Tut, you saw him fair, none else being by, himself pois'd with himself in either eye! But in that crystal scales let there be weigh'd your boy's love against some other boys that I will show you shining at this feast, and he shall scant show well that now shows best."
Either her goading got to him, or his will caved under the weight of such lengthy sentences. "I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in splendor of my own."
Act I, scene iii
The Kents' Kitchen, Memorial Day
As Martha was finishing up her phone calls, Pete wandered into the kitchen. "Clark around?" he asked.
"He's out in the barn. Why don't you go call him in for me? I have to talk to him."
Pete turned around and screamed "CLARK!" at the top of his lungs.
Matha winced. "Thanks, Pete. It's too bad he doesn't have super hearing or something, so you wouldn't have to yell like that."
"Hey, no problem," Pete answered amiably.
Clark came bounding into the kitchen. "Hey, Pete, what's up?"
"Nothing; your mom wanted you."
"Madam, I am here. What is your will?"
"Clark, I invited some people over for barbecue Monday. Lana's coming, and I was hoping you'd try to work things out with her."
Pete snickered. "Yeah, I know what kind of workout Clark wants with her."
Clark flushed. "Pete, is that necessary?"
"I'm afraid it is; There's no nurse in this story."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Listen, Clark," said Martha, "How stands your disposition towards dating Lana?"
"It is an honour that I dream not of," he said enigmatically.
Pete laughed. "Well, I know you didn't pick up that attitude from me!"
This conversation wasn't getting anywhere. Martha tried again. "Speak briefly, can you like of Lana's love?"
"I'll look to like, if looking liking move," conceded Clark.
"Dude, way to keep your options open!" congratulated Pete.
Jonathon's voice floated up from the back yard: "Madam, the guests are come, supper served up, you called, my young man asked for – it's a madhouse down here!"
"We're coming!" Martha yelled out the window. "Well, boys, the county stays."
Pete shoved Clark towards the door. "Go, Clark, seek happy nights to happy days!"
Clark gestured for Pete to go first. "Lead on, Macduff."
Act I, Scene iv
Kent Farm, the driveway
Being uninvited, Lex refused to go to the Kents' barbecue without an entourage. Jonathon wouldn't throw him out if he were with Lana and Chloe. But as they got out of the car, he had second thoughts.
"You know, I think I should just drop you two off here, and you can call me when you need a ride home."
"Why the cold feet?" asked Chloe. "Is it Jonathon? He'll leave you alone. It's a party. Anyway, he knows you're not really your father."
"It's not that. Look, I'll just pick you up later." They didn't move.
"Tell us," Chloe ordered.
He didn't intend to tell them the real reason he was nervous, so he clutched at the first excuse that presented itself. "I just have a bad feeling about this." They weren't buying it. "See I had this dream last night ... "
"Ah!" exclaimed Chloe. "I see Queen Mab hath been with you."
"Huh? Who?"
"Don't get her started!" hissed Lana. But Chloe was already launching into her explanation.
"She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes in shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an alderman, drawn with a team of little atomies athwart men's noses as yhey lie asleep; Her waggon-spokes made of long spinners' legs; The cover, of the wings of grasshoppers; The traces, of the smallest spider's web; The collars, of the moonshine's watery beams; Her whip, of cricket's bone; the lash, of film; Her waggoner, a small grey- coated gnat, not half so big as a round little worm prick'd from the lazy finger of a maid: Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut, Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub, time out o' mind the fairies' coachmakers. And in this state she gallops night by night through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love; O'er courtiers' knees, that dream on court'sies straight; O'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees; O'er ladies' lips, who straight on kisses dream -- Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues, because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are. Sometime she gallops o'er a courtier's nose, and then dreams he of smelling out a suit; And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig's tail, tickling a parson's nose as 'a lies asleep, then dreams he of another benefice. Sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck, and then dreams he of cutting foreign throats, of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades, of healths five fathom deep; and then anon drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes; And, being thus frighted, swears a prayer or two, and sleeps again. This is that very Mab that plats the manes of horses in the night, and bakes the elf-locks in foul sluttish hairs, which, once untangled, much misfortune bodes; This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs, that presses them, and learns them first to bear, making them women of good carriage. This is she –"
Lana was rolling her eyes, but Lex was amused. "Peace, peace, Chloe, peace, thou talk'st of nothing. That 'Wall of Weird' of yours is really getting to you, isn't it?"
Lana started pulling them both towards the house. "This wind you talk of blows us from ourselves: Supper is done, and we shall come too late."
Lex's nerves flared again. "I fear, too early," he said, "for my mind misgives Some consequence, yet hanging in the stars, shall bitterly begin his fearful date with this night's revels; and expire the term of a despised life, clos'd in my breast, by some vile forfeit of untimely death. But He that hath the steerage of my course direct my sail!--On, lusty ladies!"
Act I, Scene 4.5
The Kents' back yard.
Lex braced himself as they rounded the corner of the house, but the sight of Clark nevertheless stopped him in his tracks. Pete was entertaining the other highschoolers with his impression of their football coach, and Clark was flushed with laughter, his eyes sparkling.
O, he doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear;
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows
As yonder beauty o'er his fellows shows.
The measure done, I'll watch him place of stand
And, touching his, make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Lex noticed Chloe and Lana both staring at him. "Oh ... did I say that out loud?"
Lana gaped at him. "It's Clark???"
"What's Clark?" asked Chloe.
Clark had seen them now, and left his group to come greet them.
Pete, seeing Clark heading towards Lex, Chloe, and Lana, turned to Martha and Jonathon.
"You invited Lex?" he hissed.
"No, I only called some people from Clark's class, but I don't see a problem with him being here," said Martha. "He and Clark have been good friends."
"He's still a Luthor!" argued Pete.
Martha patted him on the shoulder. "He's Lex, Pete, not Lionel. He's never been anything but polite and helpful to us."
"And that makes you trust him?" Pete asked.
Now Jonathon laughed. "Not really, but it's only dinner. There's no harm in him being here. Relax! It is my will; the which if thou respect, show a fair presence and put off these frowns, an ill-beseeming semblance for a feast."
"It fits, when such a villain is a guest: I'll not endure him."
"He shall be endur'd. It's my house, and I'm okay with it. Now buck up – the food's almost done."
Jonathon went back to the grill. Pete grumbled to himself, "Patience perforce with wilful choler meeting makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting. I will withdraw: but this intrusion shall, now seeming sweet, convert to bitter gall."
Martha heard and shot him a look. "Don't start anything Pete."
Across the yard, Lex was speaking quietly if rather intensely to Clark, who was wearing a goofy grin and kept glancing up at the door to the barn loft where he usually went for privacy. Martha made a point of interrupting them for dinner.
Although Clark and Lex didn't sit next together, Pete saw them sneaking glances at each other throughout the evening.
Finally, when everyone had left, including Lex, Pete accosted Clark. "What the hell is wrong with you? You and Lex looked like you were just going to start going at it like a couple of rabbits, right in front of everybody! What are you thinking? And why didn't you tell me?"
Clark was flustered. "I'm sorry Pete. I wanted to tell you I was gay, but I thought you might need more time for the alien thing to sink in ..."
"Gay, schmay! Who cares what sex he is – he's a Luthor! That's the trump card, dude. They're all the same."
"Pete, you only know one other Luthor."
"Well, that's one too many for my taste. And your father is going to kill both of you when he finds out."
Clark plopped down on a lawn chair. "Aye, there's the rub." He shook his head. "I wish I'd known about my parents' history with Lionel before I met Lex. My only love sprung from his only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy."
END ACT I
