Bart-in-Lisa stammered in horror upon hearing the suggestion that his sister and Martin were an item. "M-M-Martin's m-m-my b-b-b-boyfriend?"
Janey and Alison grinned in amusement at her reaction. "Actually, it's just a rumor," Janey pointed out.
Too shocked to comprehend Janey's answer, Bart fainted dead away. Janey and Alison turned the girl over on her back and tried to revive her.
"Lisa? Are you okay?" asked Alison, checking the girl's wrist for a pulse.
"Humina humina humina," Bart-in-Lisa mumbled deliriously.
The next morning, Homer, Marge, and Maggie were gathered in the kitchen for breakfast when Bart and Lisa shuffled in. Neither looked very happy, but Bart appeared downright miserable. "Good morning, kids," Marge welcomed them. "Did you enjoy your first night as each other?"
"Grumble grumble no grumble grumble," was Bart's response.
"Whatever does not kill me can only make me stronger," Lisa philosophized.
"I'll take that as a yes," said Marge.
While Bart scarfed down a plate of bacon and eggs, Lisa enjoyed a bowl of vegetarian oatmeal. "So far I haven't felt any urges to oppress females," she commented, "which suggests that the practice is societal rather than genetic in origin. As I proceed through the school day, I hope to establish that having a male brain doesn't alter my ability to reason abstractly."
"That's nice, boy," said Homer. "And you can find out what it's like to make whoopee with a girl while you're at it."
"Hrrrmm..." Bart grunted.
"I intend to do that," said Lisa, "once I get used to these weird boy feelings."
"If you get a girlfriend, I'll dump her after we switch back," Bart threatened.
Soon the kids were on their way to school, waiting at the bus stop with Milhouse, Sherri, and Terri. "Hey, Lisa, is that a new perfume?" asked Milhouse, sniffing the air.
"Yeah," Bart replied. "It's called Get Bent #5."
"When did you get an attitude?" Milhouse asked him.
"When did you get a zit?" was Bart's response.
Milhouse touched his face. "A zit? Where?"
Meanwhile, Lisa was gazing thoughtfully at the twins. This is so strange, she thought. I've always liked hanging out with Sherri and Terri, but now they've taken on a whole new dimension.
"Hey, Bart," Sherri spoke up, "what are you bringing for show-and-tell today?"
"Omigosh, is that today?" Lisa realized.
"We want to see your booger collection again," said Terri.
"Ewww, gross!" Lisa groaned.
"Gross?" Bart snapped. "I've been...I mean, you've been saving your boogers since second grade!"
Shortly the school bus arrived, and the kids boarded. "Yo, Otto Man!" Bart greeted the driver.
"Yo, er, Lisa dude," was Otto's surprised reply.
Lisa took a seat next to Milhouse. "Your ant farm was nice," she remarked, "but I'm of the opinion that ants should be allowed to roam free."
"Free?" said Milhouse. "Ants aren't free. They're all drones to the queen. They have to do whatever she says. Kinda like the Borg."
"The what?"
At the next stop, Ralph Wiggum boarded and sat next to Bart. "I wet the bed last night," he recounted. "Twice. The second time I was awake."
"Eat my shorts," Bart answered tersely.
"You're not wearing shorts," Ralph pointed out.
"Then eat your own shorts."
"But they aren't dry yet."
As the bus arrived at Springfield Elementary and the kids disembarked, Lisa made a request of Bart. "Can I borrow my saxophone? I need something for show-and-tell."
"Sure, Lis," Bart answered. "I don't know how to play it anyway."
After Lisa had led Bart to Miss Hoover's room, she took the saxophone into Mrs. Krabappel's class. The class period commenced, and the kids started to make show-and-tell presentations.
"I found this little round plastic thing in my dad's dresser," said Lewis. "I don't know what it's for, but it's stretchy and fun to play with."
Then Lisa stood up, saxophone in hand. "This is my sister's saxophone," she informed the class.
"What did you fill it with this time?" asked Nelson mockingly. "Super glue and marshmallows?"
"I didn't fill it with anything," said Lisa. "I've been taking lessons, and I'm going to play it."
To the astonishment of the other kids and the teacher, Lisa-in-Bart proceeded to play a lively jazz solo on the instrument. Then she sat down, and Mrs. Krabappel stood to deliver a lesson. "I'm amazed, Bart," she remarked. "You finally picked up a talent. Now let's see how you do with long division."
Lisa was horrified. "Long division? I haven't even learned short division!"
Miss Hoover, meanwhile, was gearing up for a second-grade lesson. "Today we're going to learn short division," she announced.
"Boooooriiiiing," Bart groaned.
"Quiet, Lisa," Miss Hoover scolded her.
"But this is kid's stuff," said Bart. "I already know it."
"Of course you do," said the teacher. "But this is the first time you've complained. If second grade is too easy for you, why don't you skip to third?"
"Because she's in love with Ralphie!" Janey chimed in.
"I am not!" said Bart gruffly.
"Miss Hoover!" exclaimed Ralph from the back of the room. "The flies are tickling me!"
First period ended, and Bart walked sadly out of Miss Hoover's classroom and made his way to the washrooms. He swallowed nervously as he stood in front of a tall door with an imposing sign that read simply, GIRLS.
Omigosh, I don't know if I can do this, he thought nervously. I've been inside the girls' room before, but it was always for pleasure, never for business.
Several girls went in and out of the girls' room as Bart stood and watched anxiously. Then he saw Lisa exit the boys' room. "They really need to clean up the graffiti in there," she commented. "It's a mess."
As Lisa walked away in his body, Bart had an inspiration. Pulling a marking pen from his dress pocket, he snickered evilly and marched boldly into the girls' room. A minute later he came out grinning, and skipped away.
Shortly Sherri and Terri entered the girls' room. "Hey, Sherri, where's Nantucket?" came Terri's voice.
There were a few minutes left before the next period started, so Bart resolved upon another prank. Holding his hands behind his back, he approached the unsuspecting Martin Prince. "Hi, Martin," he said sweetly.
"Hi, Lisa," replied Martin with a friendly tone.
"There's a rumor going around that you're my boyfriend," said Bart with a smile.
"Really?" said Martin with relief. "Well, that should put to rest the rumor that I'm gay."
Then, to Martin's surprise, Bart made doe-eyes at him. "If it's not just a rumor...if you really are my boyfriend...I'm okay with that. I think you're kinda cute."
"Y-you r-really think so?" Martin stammered.
Bart stood on his toes, put Lisa's arms around Martin's neck, and kissed him on the cheek. Startled, Martin hurried away, with a sign taped to his back that read, NEED HELP WITH HOMEWORK? CALL 1-800-IMADORK.
As Bart watched him go, his grin faded. I enjoyed that in more ways than I should have, he thought.
TBC
