In band class, Bart clutched Lisa's saxophone and thought about what he had just done. I can't believe I kissed Martin. And the worst thing is, I feel like doing it again. It's like Lisa's body is commanding me to spread cooties. I must resist...
He motioned to Alison, who was playing first sax. "Hey, Alison, do you think you could play extra loud so Mr. Largo can't hear me?" He started to speak hoarsely. "I've got a really sore throat."
"Sure, Lisa," said Alison.
Under Mr. Largo's direction, the band started to play Stars and Stripes Forever. When they were halfway through, the teacher noticed something amiss about Lisa's playing, and stopped the rehearsal. "Is there a problem, Lisa? I know you can play better than that."
"I'm sorry," Bart rasped. "I think I'm coming down with something."
"Then go see the nurse," Mr. Largo ordered him.
Bart put the sax in its case, then left the band room and started to snicker. "Suckers," he muttered. He started toward the nurse's office, only to be confronted by Principal Skinner in the hallway.
"Hello, Lisa," said the principal calmly.
Bart started to panic. Omigosh, Skinner's on to me! He knows I'm really Bart! He must have some kind of telepathic radar! I've got to get away! I've got to...wait...did he just call me Lisa?
"Uh, hello, uh, Principal Skinner, my good friend," he said bashfully.
"I'm guessing you have a valid reason for not being in class," said Skinner.
I've got to act exactly like Lisa would, thought Bart-in-Lisa. If I slip up in the slightest, he'll catch me.
"Er, yes, I do," replied Bart.
"Very well," said Skinner unsuspectingly. "I'll be on my way."
As the principal strolled away, Bart grinned triumphantly. Yes! He fell for it!
Then Skinner stopped and turned around. "One more thing, Lisa."
Uh-oh, now I'm done for!
"Superintendent Chalmers is coming here next week for a quarterly inspection. I'd like you to help me welcome him. Do you think you could prepare a little speech on how much you enjoy being a pupil here?"
Oh, sweet! thought Bart.
"Certainly, Principal Skinner," he said. "I'd love to."
"I knew I could count on you, Lisa." Skinner started to walk away again.
Muwahahaha! thought Bart triumphantly.
Then Skinner returned to his side and handed him a slip of paper. "This is the second activation code for the doomsday weapon," he whispered warily. "I'll bring you the third and final code tomorrow, along with a suicide pill in case you get captured and interrogated by the enemy."
Bart saluted. "Understood, sir."
Skinner walked away, glancing around suspiciously.
This is great! thought Bart. Everybody trusts me! The only thing that would make this better is being a boy again.
Morning recess arrived, and Lisa wandered through the playground in Bart's body. Not far away, she saw Nelson bullying Ralph and taking a candy bar away from him.
"This hasn't been up your nose, has it?" asked the menacing Nelson.
"Not up my nose," Ralph replied innocently.
Turn around and walk away slowly, Lisa, she told herself. You don't want to get involved. No, wait. I'm two years older than I was, and I'm a boy. Why should I be afraid of Nelson? He's just a big coward.
She stepped forward and confronted Nelson. "Give Ralph his candy back," she demanded.
"Make me!" Nelson growled defiantly.
"I'll unmake you," said Lisa, clenching her fists.
"Oh, yeah?" snarled Nelson.
"Yeah!" Lisa snarled back.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Ralph became bored with the proceedings and started to pick his nose.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
Lisa checked her watch. "Hey, it's time for class!" She grabbed the candy bar from Nelson's hand and gave it to Ralph, then hurried away.
"This isn't over, Simpson!" Nelson bellowed after her.
Soon the longest, weirdest school day Bart and Lisa had ever experienced came to an end. The mixed-up siblings walked toward the bus stop together.
"How was your day?" Lisa asked Bart.
Her brother scowled. "Horrible. I wrote a naughty limerick on the wall of the girls' room, I kissed Martin on the cheek, I lied my way out of band class, and Skinner trusted me with his deepest secrets."
"Why was all of that horrible?" Lisa inquired.
"Because I'm a freakin' girl!" Bart snapped.
"Get over it," Lisa urged him. "Being in my body isn't so bad. I was in it for eight years, and I can't wait to go back."
Nelson walked up to Lisa as she and Bart waited for the bus. "Hey, Simpson!" he growled. "I believe we have some unfinished business!"
"Oh, dear!" Bart joked, standing behind Lisa. "It's a big, ugly, stinky bully with a face like a big ball of ugly mashed potatoes! Protect me, big brother!"
"Don't talk that way," Lisa advised him. "You'll only make him uglier."
Nelson waved his fist. "I'm gonna kick your butt from here to Shelbyville!"
"Oh, yeah?" said Lisa fearlessly.
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
In the middle of his shouting match with Nelson, Lisa reached into Bart's pack and pulled out a tape recorder. Placing it on the sidewalk in front of Nelson, she pushed the Play button, and Bart's voice came out of it.
"Oh, yeah?" said the tape recorder.
"Yeah!" said Nelson.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
With Nelson distracted, Bart and Lisa boarded the school bus. Lisa sat with Milhouse, while Martin took a seat next to Bart, much to his chagrin.
"Uh, hi, Martin," Bart said coyly. "Nice to see you're still healthy."
"Why shouldn't I be healthy?" asked Martin.
"Uh, you know," said Bart, "girl cooties and all."
"I don't believe that girls have cooties," Martin told him.
Bart was stupefied. "You...you don't?"
"No, I think girl cooties are a myth." Martin glanced around. "But don't tell Bart I said that."
Man, I never knew dorks grew so big, thought Bart-in-Lisa. Yet he couldn't bring himself to mock and torment Martin as he had customarily done. The geeky boy had become a beautiful creature to his eyes, and he felt an alien desire to throw Lisa's arms around him again. Fight it, he ordered himself. Don't give in to the girl side.
Martin spoke up. "Were you...were you being serious when you told me...you know..."
"Told you what?" asked Bart.
Suddenly, in the seat behind them, Sherri and Terri leaped to their feet. "Martin and Lisa sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" they chanted.
"Hrrrmmm," Bart grumbled.
Marge welcomed the kids as they returned to their house. "How was school?" she inquired.
"Okay, I guess," said Lisa.
"Idon'twannatalkaboutit," Bart muttered.
"What's wrong, honey?" asked Marge with concern.
"Everyone at school thinks Martin's my boyfriend," Bart complained.
"Oh, that's so sweet!" Marge gushed. "You've only been a girl for a day, and you already have a boyfriend!"
"ARGH!" Bart roared. "He is NOT my boyfriend!"
"I've seen the way you two look at each other," Lisa remarked. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're a girl. He's a boy."
"But I won't be a girl a month from now," Bart reminded her.
"But I will," said Lisa. "I've never told you this before, but I...I kinda have a crush on Martin."
Bart's jaw dropped.
"I can't summon up the courage to tell him," Lisa went on. "Maybe you can."
"Forget it!" Bart snapped. "And forget you!"
Lisa started to turn toward the kitchen. "I guess it was too much to ask for," she said disappointedly. "But I think you should seriously consider it. The month will go by a lot faster if you have a boyfriend to make you happy."
Rather than answer, Bart stormed up the stairway to Lisa's room, and slammed the door. Lisa shook her head and looked at her mother. "She's making herself miserable for no reason," she remarked.
Sulking on Lisa's bed, Bart stared at the Malibu Stacy watch on his wrist. A second went by. Then another second. Then another. Then another. The words Lisa had said echoed in his mind. "The month will go by a lot faster if you have a boyfriend...a boyfriend...a boyfriend..."
He gritted his teeth with determination. I can't do it, he thought. The moment I start enjoying being one of them, they win.
Then, unexpectedly, he started to cry.
TBC
