Month 2

Chapter 8

That stupid fucking check was going to be the death of me. It had been coming every single month for the last 18 years. This time, it had an extra 0 at the end of it. Of course I had to deposit it. It was what kept my business going. It kept my bills paid.

Carlisle's perfect signature was on the bottom. I wasn't sure if he was trying to send a message. Like "this is the last check. Use it wisely."

100,000 dollars was a lot of money. Money I had never seen before. And now this damn check was sitting in my hands, waiting to be cashed. I knew I had to do it. No matter what. Unless I wanted my entire career to go down the tube along with Seth's.

With a check this size, I headed to the bank. I didn't want them to think that I was scamming someone of money and that the check was real. Most people knew that the Cullen's had money. They were never shocked when they saw his name on the check.

Business alone wouldn't be able to pay my bills. Which was why Carlisle was giving me money. I wasn't sure if it was because they wanted me to be able to take care of Ness or if it was because they felt bad. It made me hate all of them even more.

Still, I deposited the stupid check and was able to pay my bills. I then made sure that Seth got a bonus. He had been doing a lot for me the last few months and deserved it. I made sure I did it through the payroll so that it would hit when his next check came.

I need a Goddamn beer. I promised my sisters I wouldn't drink anymore. It was easier said than done. I knew that I couldn't just have one. I would drink myself to death if I could. One wouldn't kill me.

I headed to the bar I always went to. I knew I shouldn't but I was gonna go anyway. I wouldn't get too crazy. I promised myself that I was going to try to move on without the help of alcohol.

I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. Some baseball game was playing on the flatscreen in front of me. I was looking at it but had no idea what was actually happening. The bartender set the beer in front of me.

"Want me to open a tab?" He asked.

"No. Just having one." I answered, bringing the glass to my lips and chugging. I decided I might as well go all out and order a burger too. Before my food got to me, I ordered another beer.

I ate as soon as the burger was placed in front of me. It was when the third beer was placed in front of me that someone sat beside me. I brought my lips to the cup while side glancing at whoever it was.

"Really?" Rachel. She was going to kill me.

"It's just a couple beers, Rach." I commented, setting it down.

"Yeah. Last time it was just a couple beers I had to pick you and Paul up on the beach. You threw up out the car window."

"That was one time." I answered.

"You have a drinking problem, Jake."

"Thanks for pointing that out. I had no idea." She rolled her eyes at me. "What are you even doing here?" I asked. How could she possibly know that I was here?

"Bartender called me." Traitor. I had only caused that fight that one time. I sighed. "They didn't want you causing problems."

"I'm just sitting here by myself." I answered.

"What happened?" She asked. I knew what she meant. I didn't really want to talk about it. I hated it. I hated everything surrounding the situation. I hate that I let her get close. I hate that I wasn't good enough. I was never going to be enough. Everyone knew it. I had no clue.

"I ask myself that every single day." I tried so hard not to think about it. It was a lot harder than I thought. I didn't think that I would ever be close enough to someone for them to hurt me this much. Let alone her. She was everything I had ever wanted. I loved her. So damn much. Not even as a girlfriend. I loved her like a friend. She was the very best friend I ever had besides Seth. It was easy with her. Our friendship was easy.

"Someday, it'll all fall into place." Rachel commented. I didn't want it to fall into place. I didn't want anything. I wanted Renesmee to stay as far away from me as possible. I would never let her close enough to hurt me again. She didn't deserve anything that I could possibly give her.

"I'm the idiot who thought that something could happen between us." I shrugged. "Her family is rich. There is no way that she would ever settle for me." I answered. Even if we were imprints. She never would have wanted to be with me. She made it clear. I would not be able to provide for her the way her family could. Everyone knew it. But I denied it. She would be with me because love trumps all.

"It doesn't make you an idiot."

"It makes me an inlove idiot. Admit it."

"No." I sighed. It was a stupid conversation anyway. Neither of us was going to agree with the other. Rachel loved a good love story. She loved hearing stories about how people fell in love. She loved reading romance books. But this was real life. And this was a real love story that fell apart at the very beginning of it. We would never have gotten farther than just having sex. She used for me what she wanted. Strung me along knowing that I would give her whatever she asked. And still, I loved her.

"The worst part is, as much as I hate her. I love her." Rachel didn't respond. She didn't need to. We both let the words sink between us. My heart would never be normal again. It would always be cracked wide open. I was building up walls. One by one until it was locked tight. No one would ever get into it again.

Another party. I was happy for Seth, but I thought the party where he proposed was the engagement party. I guess not. Leah warned me that there was going to be a bunch of parties before the wedding. At least I wouldn't have to go to the bridal shower.

I was nursing a beer, sitting next to Leah at the picnic table. Seth and his fiancee were standing, talking with Quil and Claire. They had gotten married last year and were currently expecting their first child, a baby boy. They were both so happy.

Made me sick.

Leah laughed beside me.

"What?" I asked, looking over at her.

"I was watching your face. It twisted up like you smelled something horrible." She shook her head. "Being surrounded by everyone is a lot harder than you thought it was going to be, huh?" I nodded. I never realized that watching other people being in love would be so hard. Almost everyone in the pack had imprinted at this point. Sam, Paul, Quil, Jared, me. It was supposed to be rare.

I still had no idea where she was. Probably sleeping her way through the world. Which was fine. She could do whatever she wanted. God knows that that wasn't going to stop me from sleeping with anyone I wanted.

"I get it." I whispered.

"Get what?" She asked.

"Why you were so bitter." I answered. "I don't wish this pain on anyone." At least I did need to see Nessie every single day. Leah did. Fuck she was the maid of honor in Sam and Emily's wedding. Shit was beyond fucked. I never had to interact with the person who broke my heart.

"It get's easier." She answered. "It took a long time but I did eventually move on." It wasn't until we were older and Leah moved away for college that things seemed to change for her. She came back a different person. A person who viewed the world differently. Maybe that would happen with Nessie. But by then I won't want to be around her. She has lost me. No matter how hard she tries to get me back.

I don't want her anymore.

***Nessie***

Animals taste different in different countries. I wasn't sure why. It never made sense to me but I found that it was true. I never believed my family when they said it. I was somewhere in Europe. Not sure exactly where because I'm on foot in some random forest. I had decided that for the first month, I would stay in a hotel, the second month, I was camping and hiking. I would thankfully be heading to Bora Bora in a few days and staying in a villa for a few days.

It was crazy. Seeing the entire world. I had never felt peace like this before. I was happy. I loved traveling. I hated being stuck in Forks. I know the only reason that my parents stayed was for Grandpa Charlie's sake. He would have fallen apart without mom.

And then there was Jacob. Who easily would have put up a fight if my parents tried to move me anywhere. And maybe they should have. The second he had imprinted they should have gotten me out of there. But, no one knew where our lives would lead us.

I knew one thing, I wasn't going to sit around being someone's housewife. No way in Hell was I going to just pop out some babies and do all the cooking and cleaning for him. No. There was far too much to this life than to just be someone's wife and someone's mom. As much as I knew that it hurt him when I left him there. I was doing something that made me happy. It was something that I would never be able to explain to him. It was something that I knew that we would fight about all the time. He was dedicated to his job and his pack. I was dedicated to nothing. There is nothing holding me in Forks.

Love wouldn't keep me there. But that was something he would never understand. He thought that love would be enough. Love trump all. Not in my mind. I loved him. Or at least thought I did. But, I love freedom too. I love not having to worry about taking care of someone. No one needed me.

I called my parents everyday to keep them updated on where I was and what I was doing. Even though I was immortal and could take care of myself, they worried. I never asked about Jake, and they never gave me any updates. I asked them not to. I did not want to know how he was doing.

I knew I hurt him. I never meant to. I just needed to do this. I needed to see more of the world than just Forks. I know he's never going to leave La Push. I couldn't stay there for a second longer. I would have never forced him to stay there if he didn't want to, he shouldn't have expected me to stay.

Some people are just too big for those small towns.

****Jake***

I was laying on the sand looking up at the stars. Somehow Bella had ended up next to me. Neither of us said a word to each other at the party. I made sure I steered clear of her. Neither of us were talking now either. It was like neither one of us knew how to be friends anymore.

Which of course had me questioning if we were even friends before or if she just pitied me for having a crush on her. Shit was fucked no matter what. I was always going to be the one who was burned in the end. I should have left a long time ago. I should have never interacted with her after she rejected me so many years ago.

"I'm sorry." She finally broke the silence.

"For?" I asked. It didn't matter that she said sorry. I would never forgive any of them. I didn't care what the reasoning was. It killed me.

"That she left." Bella commented. "There was no changing her mind."

"I know." She was never mine to keep anyway. She was her own person. With her own opinions. And her own wants. I never wanted to be the reason that she felt trapped. I never wanted her to feel like she needed to be with me. I would have respected her wishes. I think. If she had gone about it a different way. Instead she led me on and made me believe that there was more to us. That she was going to be in a relationship with me. "I just…" I trailed off. I never knew how to put my thoughts into words anymore. "Wanted to be someone's first choice." I whispered. I never felt like anyone chose me. I was never the first thought in anyones mind. I was hoping I would be Nessie's.

"She loved you."

"Not in a way that mattered." I answered. "I understand why she left. But it fucking broke my heart." I choked out, tears filling my eyes. I never would have admitted that. Fuck I barely have admitted it to myself. But it was killing me from the inside out. I wasn't even sure how I was breathing. It hurt so bad. I was barely functioning like a regular human being. I had only felt pain like this a few times in my life. When I was attacked by a vampire and when my dad died. Was it possible to miss someone that you never even had in the first place?

Bella grabbed my hand, her cold skin almost immediately warmed in my own hand. She didn't need to say anything. I liked just knowing that she was there.

Wherever she was out there, I hope she was miserable.