It is the morning of the day before Halloween. Prunella is wandering down the hall on the way to her class. In front of her, Arthur, Buster, and Francine are chatting. Francine looks up and sees Prunella approaching. "Here she comes!"
As Prunella walks behind them, Arthur starts to talk loudly. "But you don't need a wooden stake. A metal stake will kill a vampire just as easily."
The rat girl stops and listens to what the three kids are saying. "I read that you can also kill a vampire by filling the mouth with garlic and cutting off the head," says Buster.
"Don't forget holy water," Prunella chimes in.
Arthur, Buster, and Francine turn toward Prunella with phony looks of astonishment.
"You can kill a vampire by dousing it with holy water," she reminds them.
"Oh, yeah," says Francine. "That's right, you can. Uh...does it make a difference
whether the holy water is Catholic or Jewish?"
"That depends on whether the vampire is Catholic or Jewish," Prunella answers. "If it's a Mormon vampire, you can kill it by spraying it with Pepsi."
"We should be writing all this down," suggests Arthur.
"Are you expecting an attack from vampires?" asks Prunella.
Uh, well, we heard a rumor that one of the kids in the school is really a vampire," says Buster. "It's probably just a rumor, but, as the Boy Scouts say, it doesn't hurt to be prepared.
"There's one other way to kill a vampire," says Francine when she sees Muffy walking up to the group.
"What's that?" asks Prunella.
Muffy raises a defiant fist. "Call Muffy...the Vampire Slayer!"
Begin Muffy fantasy sequence.
It's a boring day in Mr. Ratburn's third-grade class, as the teacher lectures about the price of tea in China. Everything seems normal, except for the presence of Prunella in one of the chairs. "Now if you go to the Guangdong province then the price of tea goes down, but so does the quality..." Mr. Ratburn drones.
Muffy raises her hand. "Yes, Muffy?" the teacher acknowledges her.
"Excuse me," says the monkey girl, "but does anyone else notice anything unusual about today's class?"
Mr. Ratburn glances around, then rests his eyes on Prunella. "For the last time, Prunella, you are not a third-grader!" he chides her.
Suddenly Prunella leaps from her chair halfway across the room, tackles Mr. Ratburn, and lands with him behind the teacher's desk. The kids gasp and try to look over the desk to see what is happening.
Seconds later, Prunella and Mr. Ratburn emerge from behind the desk...and they are both fanged vampires!
All the kids, except Muffy, scream in terror. Muffy leaps onto the top of her table and pulls two pointed, wooden stakes from inside her blouse. "Get down, everybody!" she orders the other kids. To the vampires she yells, "Eat stake, bloodsuckers!"
There follows a spectacular fight sequence betwen Muffy and the two vampires, which ends when Muffy hurls her stakes at them, and they crumble into dust. Muffy stands on the teacher's desk and raises her arms proudly. "Yay, Muffy!" the kids cheer. "Hooray for The Slayer!"
Suddenly the door to the classroom bursts open, and Rodentia Ratburn rushes in. When she sees the pile of dust that was once her brother, she screams in anger and terror...and we see that she is an even more fearsome-looking vampire.
"It's Rodentia!" cries Brain. "The Vampire Queen!"
Muffy reaches into her blouse but finds nothing. "I'm out of stakes!" She then asks Rodentia, "Are you Catholic or Jewish?"
End Muffy fantasy sequence.
"Wasn't that fantasy a little violent, Muffy?" asks Arthur.
"It's one day until Halloween, Arthur," says Muffy. "Get in the holiday spirit, will you?"
Several minutes later, the kids have gathered in Mr. Ratburn's third-grade class. "This being the day before Halloween," says the teacher, "I believe Miss Crosswire has an announcement for the class."
Muffy stands up in front of the other kids. "Tomorrow night at 8 p.m., you are all cordially invited..."
Her announcement is interrupted when the voice of Principal Haney is heard over the public address speaker. "Muwahahahaha! I am the ghost of Principal Haney! I have returned from the grave to take revenge on you all! You are all doomed! Doooooomed! Muwahahaha! If you think this is scary, just wait until tomorrow! Muwahahaha..."
The speaker crackles and falls silent. "Somebody stop that man before he breathes again," grumbles the annoyed Muffy.
She then goes on with her spiel. "Tomorrow night at 8 p.m., you are all cordially invited to visit...THE CROSSWIRE TUNNEL OF TERROR! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! Located directly through the front door of the Crosswire mansion. Be there...if you dare!"
Muffy sits down, and Mr. Ratburn again addresses the class. "Thank you, Muffy. I'd love to come, but you know how claustrophobic I am. Now, would anybody else like to let loose with an evil laugh before we get started?"
Binky raises his hand.
"Yes, Binky?"
"What's 'cordially'?"
TBC
