Chapter 3

by: squirrelgirl123

To: Harry Potter

From: WGN, CEO

Subject: Who Wants to be... Harry Potter? Season Premiere

Harry,

You might be interested to learn that the 'Who Wants to be... Harry Potter?' premiere will take place on June 4th at 9:00. We've been generating a lot of hype, and we managed to select thirteen people to participate on the show. Rita Skeeter is the host. (she said you two knew went way back.)

-Ludo

To: Ludo Bagman, CEO

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Rita Skeeter? Are you CRAZY?

Ludo,

I don't care how entertaining this might turn out to be. There is no way that I am being interviewed by Rita Skeeter. End of story.

-Harry

To: Hermione Granger; Ron Weasley; Ginny Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: HELP ME!

Guys,

Can we please break off all our fights now? (Sorry in general). RITA SKEETER is going to be the host of the show... I can't do this! Last time she 'interviewed' me, half the wizarding public ended up thinking I routinely sobbed over my parents and I was in love with Hermione! DO SOMETHING!

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

I forgive you. Rita Skeeter? Man, that's bad. You could sic Wormtail on her instead.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

Don't panic. Take deep breaths; I learned this in my yoga class. It's very relaxing. Okay, first, I still have dirt on Rita Skeeter, and second, interviews are live. As long as you don't fall into the trap of any trick questions, you should be fine, right? You'll do great.

-Hermione

To: Harry Potter

From:Ginny

Subject: Re: HELP ME!

Harry,

Calm down. There are ways of taking care of Rita. Just call Fred and George, tell them their financial backer has a little problem, and... poof! She won't be bothering you again. Alternately, you could just stick to certain stuff you can say. She doesn't have a Quik-Quotes pen on air you know, she can't make you sound stupid if you don't ACT stupid.

-Ginny

P.S. Mum wants to know if you're coming over for the premiere. Ron, Hermione, and I are.

To: Ginny Weasley

From: Harry

Subject: Premiere

Ginny,

Sounds good, I'll be there. I don't know, the Fred and George thing sounds slightly illegal. Ron thinks we should employ Wormtail, and Hermione is all for blackmail. Your opinion?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny Weasley

Subject: Re: Premiere

Harry,

On second thought... don't do anything. This could be very entertaining for the rest of us. I look forward to seeing you make an idiot of yourself on air.

-Ginny

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: I won't make an idiot out of myself.

Ginny,

I was expecting some sympathy from you... clearly not. Ah, well. How bad can she be? Don't answer that, or I think I may have to commit suicide.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: I'm not a sympathetic person

Harry,

But think, you would ruin the show. What are they supposed to judge the contestants on if you kill yourself... the most creative way to commit suicide? And how can you give a million dollars to a dead guy? You have to think about the public before you run off and do impetous things like that Harry. The stock market is unstable enough as is.

-Ginny

To: Harry Potter

From: Rita Skeeter

Subject: Your lovely televisions show

Harry,

Well, we meet again. For the first time after your... eventful fourth year at Hogwarts. This time, however, the medium is a reality show. Don't be mistaken Harry. Your friend might have stopped me from WRITING anything nasty about you, but that doesn't mean I can't make you look stupid on television. You can't stop me.

-Rita

To: Rita Skeeter

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Your lovely rant

Rita,

And this is going to serve what purpose again? I killed Voldemort, Rita. I'm a hero; anything I do beyond that is immaterial.

-Harry

To: Ron Weasley; Ginny Weasley; Hermione Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I hate Rita Skeeter

I just got an e-mail from Rita Skeeter telling me that while she can't WRITE degrading things about me, she can make me look stupid on air. I told you I hated her. NOW what am I supposed to do?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione GRANGER

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

I am not married to Ron. And even if I were, I don't believe in women changing their names to match their husbands. So I will ALWAYS be Hermione Granger regardless. I would appreciate it if you would stop cracking jokes about me and Ron, at least in things that Ron reads also. It's very embarrassing.

As for Rita Skeeter, I have blackmail on her. All you have to do is say the word, and the world will know she's an illegal Animagi.

-Hermione

To: Harry Potter

From: Ron

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

HERMIONE WEASLEY?!?! Do you know something I don't? And why haven't you told me? Two words; Peter Pettigrew. He's the answer to all your problems.

-Ron

To: Harry Potter

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Harry,

Hermione Weasley? Are you trying to make my brother die young? You're doing a good job of it. And hey, if you're don't want to take a little foray on the wrong side of the law, Rita Skeeter is your problem. There's nothing legal you can do to the woman.

-Ginny

To: Hermione GRANGER

From: Harry

Subject: Fine

Hermione,

Hold on to your beliefs if you wish. I'll tell Ron to return the ring.

-Harry

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Re: I hate Rita Skeeter

Ron,

Not to worry about the whole Ron Weasley thing. Hermione just informed me, in no uncertain terms, that she wishes to remain Hermione Granger for ever. I would mock you, but... screw that, I don't have any ethics. GO RETURN THE RING RON, YOU WON'T BE NEEDING IT.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: WAIT A SECOND

Harry,

Wait a second. HOLD UP!!!! WHAT RING ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IS THIS A METAPHORICAL RING, A JOKE, OR DOES IT ACTUALLY EXIST? IF SO, E-MAIL HIM BACK RIGHT NOW! Or else. Don't think I can't blackmail you.

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry

Subject: none

Why don't you e-mail him? You don't have any blackmail on me that isn't from school, and no one cares about that now.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione

Subject: Re:

Harry,

Oh really? cough, Ginny, cough

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject; Re: Re:

Hermione,

What about Ginny?

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: don't pretend you're stupid

Harry,

Shall we simplify this? cough, Ginny, Draco, cough.

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: Harry

Subject: I think I need more simplification

Hermione,

What about Ginny and Draco? Are they going out? That's slightly traitorous to her family, but why would that matter to me?

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: don't be stupid, it's not smart

Harry,

I'm going to lay this out for you. IF you fail to instruct Ron that the ring should NOT be returned, then I will tell DRACO MALFOY that you are in love with GINNY. Capise?

-Hermione

To: Hermione

From: Harry

Subject: I'm not the stupid one

Hermione,

Why would you lie to Draco? True, he could make my life hell if I really WAS in love with Ginny, but as I'm NOT, which will become obvious to him, how is that blackmail?

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: none

Stop lying to yourself. And tell him about the ring.

To: Ron Weasley

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Fwd: don't be stupid, it's not smart

Ron,

I think you might be interested in the enclosed forward. Your girlfriend is vicious.

-Harry

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: I told him

Now will you stop trying to blackmail me? For someone with your IQ, you're suprisingly bad at it.

-Harry

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: I told him

Harry,

How EXACTLY did you tell him? Was it in clear and concise terms? I need to know these things.

-Hermione

p.s. once again, STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Re: Re: I told him

Hermione,

I forwarded you e-mail entitled 'don't be stupid, it's not smart' to him. Was that clear and concise enough for you?

-Harry

p.s. I like lying to myself. It's fun.

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: none

Harry,

I'm getting married! I'm too happy to be mad at you. And finally, you admitted it. We could have a double wedding.

-Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

From: Harry Potter

Subject: Congratulations!

Hermione,

Ummm, no thanks. Congratulations on your wedding though. Ron asked me to be the best man. Please don't ask Ginny to be the maid of honor. People get ideas. Now that I'm done being magnimonious, I'm going to get drunk. This stuff scares me.

-Harry

To: Harry Potter

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: Re: Congratulations!

Harry,

Thanks for being supportive... NOT! Too late, I already asked Ginny. So you'll just have to stop people from getting ideas, won't you? You can't go get drunk, Rita's interviewing you tomorrow, and you KNOW she'll ask you about your 'drinking habits' if you do. So don't

-Hermione

p.s. The season premiere is in two days. Ron and I will be there. We're going to tell Mrs. Weasley then.