By tati1
Disclaimer: sorry, but no, I do not own Harry Potter. Which really bites.WARNING: This story is R for a REASON! It is NOT NC-17, as I have read much, /much/ worse that was permitted, so I have abused nothing! Rated for violence, serious angst (later on), and rape. If you have a problem with it, go read something else because I didn't write it just to be safe. It's written because it's how and what I write. So buzz off. :{
(and if my mean attitude offends, I do apologize but I'm sorta protective of my work.)
A/N: RER (Read, Enjoy, Review)!
Chapter 9 – Blame and UntruthsLast time:
As the beating was swiftly administered, Harry noticed two slip away. He was temporarily dropped – in time to see the two bent over a furry body, wands raised. He screamed then one gave the mutt a vicious kick.
"NO!"
~*~*~
The two dog-tormentors were thrown away from his friend by a pair of bright red lights that shot from his hands. Their wands flew eagerly from their grasp, and a second burst of Harry's power sent the other seventeen-year-olds spinning away; his fury exploding like the proverbial dam.
"Leave Sirius alone! Don't you dare touch him! EVER!" His magic cast an ennervate spell and the dog awoke with a start. "Leave him alone! He's good; he's good - " Harry crumpled from emotional overload and huddled back against the wall, away from his tormentors, whispering, and they did not hear in their terror. "And I'm bad. 'M not a good boy. Bad, bad, BAD!" he screamed; the last word erupting so that all might know and hear and banish the filth living in their presence.
"He's nuts!" hissed a frightened Seventh Year. When Harry began to rock nervously, muttering tensely, they ran for it, fleeing down the corridor away from the snapped and broken child. Sirius hardly noticed their departure, too busy in rushing over to Harry; his nudging and nuzzling interspersed with whimpers. Harry didn't notice, apart from recoiling from the touch. He had begun to gasp; eyes wide and unseeing.
Terrified, Sirius revealed his secret, and began to change …
Within moments, where Harry's dog had stood was a thin, full-grown, shaggy-haired man. He lifted the eleven-year-old and began to rock him slowly, smoothing the unruly hair.
"Shh, it's all right, Harry. I love you, honey, please speak to me," he murmured, sadly rubbing the thin back. The boy started with the realization of warmth and comfort. He turned to see the gaunt man with the soothing words. Reality kicked in.
"Sirius?" asked Harry. The man stopped mumbling, alarmed.
"H – how did you know? Why aren't you running?"
"You act too human to be a dog, and even if you are Sirius Black, you've been real nice to me and - " Harry had been mumbling sleepily into Sirius' ragged shirt, but now he jerked awake again. "Did – did you just say you … loved … me?" Sirius frowned at his godson's shock and odd look of hope. The flare dimmed as Harry took in the frown.
"Yes, I did. Why?" Harry ignored the question.
"Wh – what could you – how could you love me?" Sirius was puzzled at Harry's own puzzlement.
"Who couldn't love you?" the man queried. "You're nice and uncomplaining and gentle and fun. You - "
"I'm a freak!" Harry interrupted. Close to yet another bout of hysterics, Harry grew louder despite Sirius' calming pats to his hair. "I'm selfish and greedy and too small and scrawny to be of any use. I'm mean and loud and always getting in the way and ruining things. And I complain about things when I should be grateful and I'm jealous and a FREAK, and everyone should hate me and keep me in line so I can't be bad and - " Sirius clamped a hand over the boy's mouth and glared. Harry shied away from the look; causing Sirius to sigh.
"Who dared tell you that?" he asked, voice harsh. Harry averted his eyes guiltily.
"No one."
"Bullshit." Harry flinched. "Harry, as your godfather I have - "
"You're my godfather? You're my godfather! Why didn't you take me in?" Why'd I have to go to the Dursley's?" Harry's thoughts, still irrational, tumbled out in words and accusations that he knew to be untrue but had to say, and Sirius was caught in the rush. "I thought you said you loved me. Well, you probably know better than to do that now," Harry bit his lip. Severus was the only one who loved him; he had thought that perhaps Sirius might, but … it seemed he had convinced his … godfather? … of how bad he was. How much trouble. He had never managed to make Severus believe. Or at least, that is what Harry thought.
Sirius gazed down at the child with a stung expression. He gently lifted the boy from his lap and set him on the floor. He walked down the corridor without transforming, brushing fiercely at tears tumbling down his gaunt cheeks. He didn't look back, and turned into a dog as he passed the corner.
A sob halted him. Sirius fought his conscience. He was angry – he didn't want to go back to that unfeeling … he thought of James and sighed. He might as well LOOK at the kid, despite his anger. It was a decision he would never regret. Sirius went back around the corner, expecting to see … well, something other than what he saw. Triumph, perhaps; smugness at proving Sirius would cooperate with a spoiled boy's verbal abuse. But Harry was still in the exact spot where Sirius had placed him, and his breathing was coming in huge dry gasps that seemed to be his expression of crying. He had hunched over his legs crossed Indian-style and screwed his eyes tight shut. That got Sirius to change back in a hurry. He leaned over Harry and shook him gently.
"Harry? Harry, stop that; you'll hurt yourself." The boy stopped in mid-gasp.
"Sirius? Sirius! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Please don't leave!" The green eyes begged him, but they were dry. Not a single tear threatened to fall.
"I suppose it's fine, Harry. You were surprised, is all," Sirius sighed, brushing the hair back from those startling eyes. "Are you okay?" Harry nodded, confused. "No fever?"
"No, why would I?"
"You were crying with no tears," said Sirius with a frown, "that's got to hurt, so you wouldn't be doing it voluntarily. Right?" he asked, suddenly unsure of the answer.
"I can't bring tears," the boy informed him. "They were there, but they wouldn't come out."
"Why not?"
"I dunno. But they haven't come since … for a long time."
"How long?" asked Sirius, sad and worried. Harry thought for a minute.
"Not since I was two."
"Since you were TWO!" bellowed Sirius, shocked. Harry flinched away, shaking.
"I'm sorry it wasn't sooner, Sirius!" he pleaded frantically. "I was just too stupid until then to learn to not cry! Please don't be mad; I won't cry again!" Sirius reached for Harry, who was edging away, and was doubly surprised when the boy cringed to the floor submissively as he did so.
"Oh, Harry," sighed Sirius, "it's not that; I was just upset, not angry. And certainly not with you. But you see, I've never met anyone who didn't cry now and again." Harry was shocked.
"Really? I knew Dudley still cried, but I thought that was just because my Aunt and Uncle loved him more than most parents love their children and decided to let him."
"Do they love you?"
"They must," said Harry desperately, "I'm family; they must love me! Even when - " He shot Sirius an angry glance. The man had almost made him tell.
"Do they hit you, Harry?" inquired the Animagus softly. The youth's eyes flashed dangerously.
"No! They're the most wonderful people I've ever known! I'm not telling!" he shouted. When hurt appeared in his godfather's gaze, Harry sighed. "I'm sorry, but could we discuss something other than my relations?"
"Of course. Our previous conversation: Of course I love you Harry, and you're not nearly so horrid as you make yourself out to be. Your father was my best friend – do you know why I was in Azkaban, Harry?" He nodded.
"You are supposed to have blown up a street and killed thirteen muggles and Peter Pettigrew with one curse." Sirius smiled sadly.
"That's not all. Everyone believes I was your parent's Secret Keeper in the Fidelius Charm – do you know of it?"
"Yes, it's a charm to hide people."
"Very good. Wait – how did you know that? And why were you in that COMC class, anyway?"
"Later. Story?"
Sirius gave him a measuring look, but obliged readily enough. "Right. I was supposed to be their Secret Keeper so everyone then believed I had betrayed them to Voldemort." His hands clenched in anger. "But I didn't! And now – now … they're dead – because of my decision – I told Peter – James. I told him to use Peter instead; I'd be too obvious. But that rat handed them straight to that snake-faced lunatic and the next day I tracked him down." Sirius' voice rose in anger and shame. "He accused me of the betrayal before cutting off his finger and blowing the street – oh how the muggles were screaming – and he transformed into a rat and ran for it. That Bast – pardon, Harry. Just wait till I get my paws on him - "
Harry took this in quietly. "Are you an illegal Animagus?"
"Yes," said a surprised Sirius, "my nickname is Padfoot; James was a stag we called Prongs; and Peter was a rat dubbed Wormtail. We did it during our school years so we could help our other friend, Remus Lupin – nicknamed Moony – who is a werewolf. Took years." He sighed in memory. "Moony probably hates me now – do you hate me, Harry?" he added worriedly; for Harry looked murderous.
"No, but I'm going to KILL Pettigrew," he spat. "He's the reason I'm so messed up - "
"Hey, take it easy, Harry. Revenge for its own sake is just lowering yourself to his level. I want it too, but I won't let Peter corrupt me. James wouldn't want me to become evil and enjoy it; just to exact justice on the perpetrator. Besides, you don't know how to kill anyone yet, thank god. You're just a First Year. Why were you in COMC, again?"
Harry grimaced. "Sirius, I hate to break it to you, but I'm doing Fifth and Seventh Year Curriculum." The man's jaw dropped. "And I already got fair grades on the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. I know exactly how to kill someone," he finished dryly. "Oh, and I signed up for the inter-school competition. The Ebony Orb, you know." He leaned forward and cautiously closed Sirius' mouth. The man exploded into a rash of questioning.
"Why on Earth did you sign up?! It's dangerous! Why – how did you ever pass the N.E.W.T.s? Fifth and Seventh - ? You've killed someone?! How much do you know, exactly? How - "
"I would like to know that as well, Sirius," said Dumbledore. The duo jumped up nervously, but relaxed at the elder's smile. "I heard everything, and Sirius, you have no idea how pleased I am that the trust I placed in you was well-founded. But still, we must find Peter. Until then you may remain as Harry's dog." He turned his gaze from the grateful Sirius to the wary boy. "And how much do you know, Harry? A great deal more, I presume, than you cared to show us, right?" Harry nodded guiltily and Albus gave a reassuring smile before turning serious again. "Harry, I need you to promise me you won't go looking for bullies to beat you up," he said; gently touching the small, bruised face. "I admire how you are doing it to protect the other children, but you - " Harry went pale and miserable.
"I'm none of the good things you seem to think I am, sir! I went to the other three for that too, but I'm selfish! You don't know how bad a liar and cheater and selfish I am. I did it for me, not anyone else!" He gasped back a sob, and Sirius watched him worriedly.
"Why would you want to do that, Harry?" asked Albus, sounding concerned.
"Punishment," said Harry, as though stating the obvious, "for being bad and a freak and a burden - "
"Stop that, Harry," chided Dumbledore, not believing the child's sincerity on the subject. "You know that is not true; you're a very good child with wonderful potential and a bright future, and I don't want to hear such lies again; it only serves for division, and no matter how modest you may be, the other students wouldn't appreciate such a demeaning of your own nature. Now," he turned to Sirius, oblivious to Harry's stricken expression, "Sirius, we have some matters concerning the old crowd. The Death Eaters are becoming active again, and - " Harry missed the rest as the two men walked off down the corridor. He sat again and bit his lip until it bled. He wiped absently at it; staring at the wall. His mind was blank – a trick to help him not dry-sob – and he sat there until Sirius came trotting back in dog form.
His godfather tried to lead him into the Great Hall, but Harry refused; though he had missed lunch he wasn't very hungry, and they sneaked carefully into Harry's curtained area of the Hospital Wing without asking the nurse to heal Harry's new assortment of injuries.
He had nightmares again that night, but this time he employed his years of Dursley-fear to his advantage. At Privet Drive he had learned to avoid noise during nightmares, and he resolved to not let the shield slip now.
Sirius would never find out.
*
A/N: How's that, eh? Two chapters in two days – both seven or eight pages long! Just wait until the next chapter – does DRACO MALFOY mean anything to you? *snicker* Anyway, you better review, because I love them and that makes me happy and flattery shalt always get thee everywhere, so … the answer is obvious. REVIEW!
