Chapter 5
Useless
When I open my eyes I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My chest aches more than ever, I think that's from when Rasputin hit me with his last energy. The tank around me is deep blue, and it takes me a few minutes to realize that it's blood.
The nurse hears my calling and comes in. Her eyes widen and she slams a button on the wall. I hear emergency doctors running in, and I finally black out.
When I wake up, I'm alone again. There are even more bandages on my chest, and I feel terrible.
I lie back in my tank and breathe shallowly. They're all alright. Hellboy, Liz, Myers... They're fine. Liz will wake up, using Hellboy's energy. Myers cuts weren't that bad. He won't be in trouble. Liz will recover. They're all fine.
No, they're not fine. Liz almost died. I almost killed her, leaving her like that. How could I have been so stupid? Jesus Christ... Hellboy managed to save her, thank god. I almost got her killed.
That's not true... I saved her life from Rasputin!
No, I didn't. Hellboy got her back from the dead, not me.
But Rasputin would have eaten her soul!
And Myers is hurt, badly; you sat here in your god damned tank, and watched him be clubbed almost to death by 'Holly the Happy Whore.'
I couldn't interfere! I can't...
Like you didn't interfere with the god? You have enough telepathic energy to posses a god, but you can't stop one woman from attacking your friend? You couldn't even save your FATHER.
He trusted me. He let me stay here, he wanted me to be head of the bureau, but I couldn't even complete my one mission. One thing, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even save his life. I stood by and watched while he was murdered, a few meters directly above me. He trusted me and I failed him.
Taking a slow shaky breath, I open my laptop and begin to type a letter.
Mr. Manning.
I feel obliged to inform you that I will not be taking up leadership of the BPRD. I hope you find another, more suitable candidate for the position.
Sincerely,
Abe Sapien.
Curt and to the point. Not very polite, but why do I care? It doesn't really matter. I fall asleep, having trouble breathing. My own stupid fault: what did I expect, straining my telepathy like that? I'm not strong enough for that.
I hear the nurse's thoughts. I've prolonged my stay in life support. I'm going to be here for at least the next two weeks. Probably longer.
The next few days pass in a blur.
Liz walks in and smiles at me. I don't have the energy to greet her, I only nod slightly. Looking at her, I feel almost sick with guilt. I almost killed her, because someone hit me with a little ball of power, that wouldn't have been enough to shake me, usually. I wasn't expecting a physical assault. I never do. Not then, not in the office, not in the cistern. Hellboy fights a monster, and goes golfing the next day. I fight the god's servant's DOG, for Christ's sake, and I'm stuck in a life support system.
I kept my promise to Rasputin, though. I did kill him, after all.
Speaking of Rasputin, I look up at Liz, grinning, and reach over for my keyboard. I turn on 'Windows, Media Player' and select the song I've titled 'Going down in History'
Ra-Ra-Rasputin lover of the Russian queen
La de da de da
Ra-Ra-Rasputin Russia's famous love machine...
Liz is laughing so hard tears are streaming down her face. She's over reacting, of course, but she's had a shock. Having your soul ripped from your body is a difficult experience. I know, I had that accident with the lawn mower... just joking.
I smirk, and ask her quietly
"So, how has Hellboy been?"
She blushes a lovely pink, and I laugh.
She swallows, and valiantly tries to change to topic.
The conversation dies pretty quickly. Liz doesn't remember a thing about our little out of body experience. It isn't surprising, really. Memory is kept in the mind, which is part of the body, not in the soul.
I remember everything. Maybe all I do is use my memory. Maybe I don't have a soul. I don't know. I don't think about it. It hurts too much.
Liz leaves, planning to spend some more time with Hellboy. Myers walks by, leaning in to check on me, and I keep my eyes closed, pretending to sleep. He's looking for a supportive shoulder, after Liz and Hellboy made their feelings public, and I don't have the energy right now.
With my eyes already shut, I fall asleep quickly.
The next few days pass in a blur. The pain in my chest is so strong, I finally consent to the administration of painkiller drugs. A nurse arrives every five or so hours.
She pulls open a glove box, takes my arm in her hand, and injects the drug directly into a vein on my arm. I barely notice. Painkillers have strange effects on my system, no matter how small a dosage I receive, I invariably become drowsy and sluggish.
Professor Broom believes... believed it was an after effect of the long spurts of testing, followed by painkillers, and a few nights or so of being left alone, to recuperate. My body has trained itself to go into a form of hibernation. I don't know. Whenever it happens, I never think about it. I never think about much, actually; another darker reason that painkillers don't seem like such a terrible ideas. I have persuasive demons.
Finally after five days of this, the stop the dosage, and later that day, I have a most unpleasant visitor.
