Sasuke's POV
….
"...which leads me to my next question."
Sasuke sighed. He knew what Kakashi was going to ask.
"Are you planning on killing the remaining elders?" His tone was conversational, but the question was explicit and required an answer. Not just as a student would answer a teacher, but as a village shinobi would answer to his Hokage.
Sasuke didn't waver in his bored expression. "I don't plan on killing anyone, right now."
Kakashi's expression became severe. "Sasuke, it would be understandable if you did. I know I do. They ordered the execution of my student's entire family by the hands of an innocent."
"You don't need to remind me," Sasuke said slowly. "I'm well aware."
Kakashi lowered his eyes for a moment. "My apologies, Sasuke."
"They aren't needed."
Kakashi sighed. He looked back up at Sasuke. "What are your thoughts? Sakura refused to talk to me about anything you might have said about them. And don't give me that look, I am the Hokage. It is my duty to protect all of the village. Even if it means protecting my favorite student from actions that would hurt him more than help him."
"You really have to stop saying that to all of us."
Kakashi's eyes crinkled. "Ah, but it's true. It just changes, depending on the day."
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "What are you really asking? Are you wanting to know about my sanity a few days after the anniversary? I can assure you, I'm fine." Sakura made sure of that, he thought to himself before continuing. "I have been told so many conflicting things about what happened and I'm sick and tired of sorting through them in my head." He bit out the next words. "The Uchiha were planning a coup. The elders didn't want hot headed police officers running an entire village. My clan was wrong, but they didn't deserve to die for it. I know that."
Sasuke took a deep breath. "The elders were impacted by Danzo. He poisoned everything, but they still acted of their own volition. They should be held accountable." He paused. "But I am not an avenger alone in my quest. I'm more than an avenger, I am… I'm a protector. It's not my punishment to give alone."
Kakashi looked at him with an interesting glint in his eye. "You have thought in depth about this."
"I did nothing but think and walk on my journey."
"Not from what I hear. Gaara was specifically impressed with your helpful hand in Sand. The Mizukage as well."
Sasuke shifted his weight. He tried not to dwell on those acts. They weren't for him. They were for the world he had betrayed.
Kakashi's eyes were grave. "Do you want to have an input in their punishment? The Kage voted for their lives to be spared during your trial, but punishment has still not been decided upon."
Sasuke thought for a while about this. Did he? He wondered if being too close to the source of his pain would be debilitating, turning the tide back towards who he used to be. He didn't want to risk it. He had let go of enough of the pain tied to the two remaining elders. They were old, bitter, and didn't understand life outside of their own perspectives. They would die in ten, fifteen years. He could manage the anger a bit longer.
"No," he said. "I don't." At Kakashi's shocked look, Sasuke said warily, "I don't want to put myself back in a place of darkness. Not willingly."
Kakashi sat back in his chair, his hands sliding across his desk. "You have grown, Sasuke," he said, a hint of surprise in his voice. "If I'm being honest, I never thought I would have the pleasure of knowing the man you've become. But, I'm proud to say I have."
Sasuke felt uncomfortable, but thankful for his former teacher's kind words. He closed his eyes and dipped his head, his only sign of thanks. When he looked up, he said, "I have to go. Do you have anything else for me?"
Kakashi's eyes twinkled. "One more thing. It's technically still Hokage business to poke around in the relationships of a previously wanted nin. We need to keep up the voluntary reports. That is, unless you want an ANBU unit following you around the village."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Screw his thankful feelings. Now, all he wanted to do was smack that smug look off of Kakashi's face. "Sakura and I are none of your-"
"Like I said, it technically is."
Sasuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could just get it over with quickly. But what did he say? Oh yeah, by the way, I nearly had a panic attack after kissing her for the first time after crying over my family for hours and dumping all of my trauma on her because I couldn't deactivate my sharingan that was desperate to record her face. Yeah. He definitely couldn't say all of that.
He decided on giving up a few details that would satiate his teacher. "We talk about a lot of things. My past. Our past. We go on walks. We're…together."
"I need specifics, Sasuke. I have a report to fill out."
His next words were spoken through gritted teeth. His hand clenched at his side. "I don't know how to explain it. We're…seeing each other. Dating. Whatever the hell you want to call it."
"Have you kissed?"
"Yes."
"Wow, I didn't think you'd admit to that one." Sasule's eyes widened when Kakashi's eyes crinkled from his smile. "I only needed an official statement of relationship status, but I thought I'd ask."
Sasuke left without another word and headed straight home.
….
Sakura's POV
…..
Sakura had a really bad day.
She had lost her favorite patient that day. He was a young shinobi who contracted a strange disease while on a mission and she had been caring for him for months, nearly a year. He had been on the mend, but he eventually succumbed to the sickness after declining for five weeks. She had sobbed in her office, this loss impacting her more than she had realized it would. She cried for him, but she mostly cried for his beautiful and sweet wife, Shina, who would be going home alone.
Unlocking her door and thinking of Shina made her heart ache with too many different kinds of pain.
She had the privilege of watching them fall even more in love while he was hospitalized. They had gotten married in his hospital room. Sakura had even turned a blind eye to the young woman basically moving into the ICU. She brought her changes of clothes and let her sleep in the on-call rooms. All the extra help she had given them had been worth it all to see them together. Their relationship had been filled with a love so pure, Sakura couldn't help but feel envious. They touched and kissed, not excessively, but as waves of reassurance.
When she walked in, Sasuke was sitting on the couch, reading a few scrolls when she opened the door. Sakura paused on the threshold. She didn't know why, but she just didn't want to talk about him, her, or anything else at the moment. All she wanted was to shower and sleep, hoping to banish away the images of Shina's face streaked with tears while she held her dead husband.
He, on the other hand, had other plans. As soon as he saw her, Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "What happened today?"
Sakura sighed and sat down on the couch next to him. He normally didn't ask, but apparently she looked a lot worse than the few other times she had to return home after losing a patient. Her head fell back against the cushions. "We had a shinobi die today. I was his doctor and we just…" She trailed off because she knew Sasuke would understand without her needing to explain.
"Is there anything else?" She looked over at him, curious that he would ask. He said, "You've lost patients before, but this one is hitting you hard."
Sakura closed her eyes and tried to maintain a sense of dignity. She wanted to talk about them, but she didn't. They deserved to be memorialized, held in the hearts of those who could only hope to have a love as deep as theirs. But it hurt. Her voice shook when she responded. "The shinobi died after fighting a disease for a while. I just haven't been able to stop thinking about his wife and how heartbroken she must feel."
Sasuke nodded, but his eyes showed he didn't quite understand. Sakura explained, "They were so in love. You walked into the room and could feel it." She wiped her eyes and looked up at Sasuke apologetically, who looked at her in response. "Like you said, it's just hitting me hard."
Sasuke was quiet for a moment. Then, "What made you think they were in love?"
Sakura shrugged, sinking further into the couch. "I don't know. Tobin, the shinobi, was always kissing her cheek, her nose, her neck." Sakura smiled while recalling. "They were like two stars, locked in orbit. One couldn't go very far without the other." She noticed Sasuke was giving her a strange look and she laughed awkwardly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Sorry, I'm speaking in riddles. Like I said, it's been a really long day."
Sakura got up to get ready for bed, but a hand on her arm stopped her.
"Does.." Sasuke struggled to get the words out, looking anywhere but her. "Does it bother you? That we don't do that?"
Sakura was shocked. Never did she think he would ask her that. She struggled to find an answer. It did…but it didn't. He was enough, just the way he was. "I…no, it doesn't."
Sasuke didn't look happy with her response.
"Wait." Sakura quickly turned to Sasuke with her full attention now. "No, that's not what I meant to say." She took a deep breath and smiled, reaching down to clasp his hand. "I love you. That means it makes me happy when you're happy and I hope it's the same for you. But…" Sakura steeled herself to keep going, to be the partner that Sasuke deserved after so much heartache. To not push him. "I am happy, just beginning and ending my day with you, Sasuke-kun. You are all that I want. Just having you in my life. If that's what we have for the rest of our lives, I would die a happy woman."
Sasuke searched her eyes. She watched him blank for a moment then gasped as a red flash filled the room, his hand dropping from hers. He was pulling up a memory behind his sharingan. It faded after a moment before fully focusing on her. "Sakura…"
"...yes?"
Sasuke sighed, closing his eyes. The hand in his lap turned over. He stared at his palm. "I may not act like it, but I….even if I didn't know how it made me feel at first…" His voice was strangled as he tried to finish, "I know that you won't make me feel ashamed or like I am not good for you, but I…"
Sakura didn't realize how close they had gotten until Sasuke's forehead had dipped and tapped against her own. His breath fanned against her lips and Sakura felt his breath hitch in sync with her own.
Sakura squeezed her eyes shut and, like she always did, word vomited. "I hadn't kissed anyone before you."
She peeked through one eye and saw Sasuke's shocked face. He had moved back slightly. "Never?"
"Never." Sakura felt a blush pooling in her cheeks. "Is that…weird?"
Sasuke snorted and Sakura's eyes widened. He never did that. "I hope not, seeing as I've never kissed anyone else besides Naruto."
Sakura laughed, remembering the fateful moment. "That was quite a scene! I remember being-"
Sasuke didn't wait another second. He quickly swooped in and captured Sakura's lips between his own. She froze, eyes fluttering shut. His lone hand rested against her upper arm and squeezed once before pulling away.
Sakura's brain melted to a puddle of pink goo on the floor. When Sasuke settled close, his breath still hot against her skin, she couldn't help the small gasp of shock and happiness that coursed through her. Sasuke had kissed her. Again.
His hand fell to his side and he stared into her hair. "Did that… make you happy?"
Sakura's hands fluttered to her mouth. Her glow cracked slightly. "Did…did you do that just because you thought it'd make me happy?"
"No," Sasuke blurted. His eyebrows slanted down. "No, I…" Then the strangest thing happened. Sasuke's hand rose up to touch his ear.
Sakura found her head tilting to the side. "Sasuke-kun?"
Sasuke blinked, dropping his hand. He looked…weird. Like he was being squeezed uncomfortably. He swallowed and Sakura felt horrible. She had pushed him. Because of her story, her obvious envy of Shina and Tobin, he had assumed she was unhappy and wanted more. And a small part of her did want more, but most of her was fully satiated just being allowed to be by his side. After the other day in the forest, Sakura had never felt closer to Sasuke. She knew he didn't talk to Naruto or Kakashi like that. He had it all saved up for her.
Which is why she needed to apologize. She said quietly, "Sasuke-kun, you don't have to kiss me, not if you don't want to. I promise, I just want to be with you, that's all. You are enough."
Sasuke looked like he was being strangled, now. Sakura began to panic and felt like fleeing the room. Oh Kami, this was not going well. Sakura's mind reeled, wondering if she should leave him alone or try apologizing again. Maybe she should play it off? Ask what he wanted for dinner? Or, maybe he needed to go for a walk. Those always seemed to-
"What if I wanted to?"
Sakura blinked once, twice, three times. His response was…not expected.
Her treacherous heart lurched in her chest. Her lips parted and she breathed in and out, deeply enough to settle herself. Sasuke wanted to kiss her. He wanted to. Enough to say it. To declare it. To make it known to her. He said something that was probably really, really hard for him and Sakua felt like dying of happiness.
"Okay," she whispered, her lips unable to help themselves from pulling up at the corners. "That's okay too."
"Just okay," Sasuke said under his breath.
Sakura's eyes widened. "I-no, it's more than okay! It's…" She trailed off, unable to voice what it was. It was the way her body warmed when he got close to her. It was the way her stomach felt like it was filled with flying shuriken when his hand brushed her shoulder in the morning, touched her lower back, her hip when he had to pass by her in the kitchen. It was the way he smiled at her a smile he gave no one else. So happy, but so at peace. Like he was home.
It was everything.
So, she told him that, staring at her hands. "Sasuke-kun, I've told you it's like a dream for you to be here with me, and it still is." She paused to look directly at him, her eyes shining. "Each day with you, I think to myself that it can't get better than this. But with every new piece of you that I get, I get surprised at my ability to be even happier than the day before."
Sasuke closed his eyes, shaking his head. His lips trembled and with a shuddered breath, he pulled Sakura to him, his hand around her waist. She gasped at the sudden movement, but fell into him the way she had always wanted to and finally, finally could. He left no room between them. Sakura's hands were trapped, flat against his chest and her eyes were clenched tight, a few tears leaking from the corners.
"Sakura." He sighed her name again, the way that made her crumble. She shivered and pressed her face further to his chest, her nose skimming his collar bone beneath his shirt. His hand found purchase at her waist and squeezed, his breath hot against her neck. She could feel him swallow, his breaths shallow with a sharp rise and fall to his chest.
"It's moments like these where I feel I deserve you the least," Sasuke whispered. Sakura moved to sit up, to remind him to turn those thoughts off, to shut out the darkness, but he was too quick. He held her steadfast against him and continued, his words rushed. "Sakura, you deserve someone who will act on his feelings for you, who will go out of the way to show you that he loves you. And I don't know how you can love me as much as you do and how such small, miniscule things from me can be everything for you when you actually do deserve everything."
Sakura choked on a sob. The stupid man. She smashed her face in his chest and pressed her palms harder into his shirt, his skin. "You don't need a reason to love someone. You just do."
Minutes passed, then Sasuke let out a harsh breath. "Kakashi told me the same thing." When Sakura let out a small laugh, Sasuke pulled her impossibly closer. "You deserve so much, Sakura. I know I told you I can't give you much, but it's true. It won't be a normal relationship. Not like everyone else."
"We aren't normal people," Sakura whispered back. Her heart was about to burst out of her chest. Her love for Sasuke felt earth shattering. She sighed into Sasuke's throat. "I don't want what everyone else has. I want what we have."
Sasuke eventually pulled back to look down at her. His hand fell from her waist to rest against her cheek. Sakura couldn't help but lean into it, her eyes closing. She felt warm and loved and safe and so many wonderful things that nothing could ever, ever convince her that Sasuke didn't love her.
It was reinforced when Sasuke slowly leaned in. He kept his eyes, now swirling red and purple, trained on her until his lips pressed against her own, kissing her.
Her hands clenched around his shirt when he barely pulled back only to press again, his lips slanting ever so slightly. Sakura trembled, her eyes squeezing tighter with every press, pull, press pull, their breaths hot. Her right hand crept up his chest and rested at the base of his throat and she felt his raging pulse.
After a minute or two, they sat in silence, heads bowed together. Both were replaying, memorizing, and reveling in their relationship. Sasuke felt warmer than he had ever felt before. He was stunned and mesmerized by pink and green. Sakura was desperately clinging to her reality and repeating over and over to herself, this is real, he kisses me because he wants to, this is real, he loves me.
They felt everything all at once. And this time, when they stood up and began to part ways for bed, Sasuke pulled her back for a short, sweet kiss.
A new nighttime ritual.
…
Sasuke's POV
…
Sasuke couldn't fall asleep, a red glow cast across the room.
He laid on his back, his hand across his chest and the blanket tossed to the side. The apartment was cool, but the Uchiha felt like he was burning alive. All he could was replay the evening over and over again, wondering how on earth he had gotten to where he was at.
He had a home. With a woman. Whom he loved. And, who wasn't afraid of him. She loved him.
He rewatched their kiss for the hundredth time that evening. He watched her eyes turn from being filled with love and desperation for him to understanding and surprise and…want. It was the final emotion he had seen that had been tripping him up all evening. Sasuke closed his eyes, but the image kept playing.
With effort, his eye finally returned to black. He blinked slowly and wondered if Sakura would have time to heal him in the morning. He sighed, knowing that even if she didn't, she would make time. It was who she was.
It was something he thought he might love about her.
On his journey and while thinking of Sakura, he wouldn't name it, but he knew he loved her. It was never an overt thought, but an undercurrent in every recollection and conclusion he had or made. After his thorough review, he concluded several things about his emotional connection to her, but he never once considered anything…physical.
It had completely slipped his mind. He had imagined hugging her or kissing her, but those were projections of a future far, far away. Yet a child or two always was in the background, running or playing in the house they shared. He didn't think it would happen so soon. That he would want it to happen so soon. He hadn't expected any other emotions or feelings to be attached, either. That he would want to touch her.
However, he had been immature in his dreams of the future. He knew what he wanted, he just didn't consider what it took to get there.
A family. With Sakura.
Although he was feeling a bit unnerved to be having these thoughts while laying on her couch and under the same roof, Sasuke knew he had to do some mental homework. If not for his sake, for hers.
He did what he did while he was gone. He made a list of what he knew about a physical relationship. He knew what having a child entailed, obviously. Basic sex education was taught in the academy, but having been around Naruto and Kakashi long enough, he had at least familiarized himself with the social etiquette of having sex with someone else. You don't do it and leave immediately, you don't do anything they don't like, and you get consent.
He remembered something suddenly that Itachi had said to him about sex. He had asked his brother if having a baby really meant putting his you-know-what in a girl. Sasuke didn't even like girls, he had whined. Itachi had tilted his head and offered a piece of advice he didn't know Sasuke would need later in life.
"If parents love their children so much and sex is how they make us, then it has to be something special to create a love that powerful."
Sasuke considered his brother's words for a long while. He wondered if Itachi had ever had sex, but quickly banished the thought. Itachi went through so much more than Sasuke, filled with pain and secrets. He most likely never found love that he could explore in that way.
It made his chest hurt. He took steadying breaths and reminded himself that he was not only living his life for himself, but for Itachi and his desire for Sasuke to be happy. Sakura was a part of that plan. She made him happy, even when she unwittingly made him feel sad.
She had been in the same sex-ed classes he had been in, but her education had been different. She hadn't said it, but he knew she had been trained to seduce a target during her few month stint working with ANBU. Tsunade had overseen her training personally in that regard, too. Sasuke wondered if she would ever use those skills on him. He shuddered and thought that thankfully, she most likely wouldn't. They were too close and she wasn't a good actress around him. After living together for nearly two months, he could read her all too well. And, when they were close, she was always a bit more…undone.
Sasuke hadn't realized until that moment, but he liked how she got around him when he got a bit closer than socially acceptable. She would jump every time he touched her to squeeze past her in the kitchen, a blush hinting at her cheeks. She would sigh in happiness every morning when he would squeeze her shoulder, touch her hand, whisper good morning.
He made his conclusions of what he knew. Sakura loved him. She was happy with whatever he gave her, physical or emotional. He knew she loved him in a more normal sense of the word, like the way Naruto and Hinata loved each other. With a grimace of embarrassment, he knew that she probably had thought about having a physical relationship with him.
He felt ridiculous for thinking it, but he wondered how much she had thought about it. A lot? Only when others asked? He assumed Ino would bombard her with questions if Sakura's complaining after her lunch dates with her best friend was any indication. She didn't have the emotional trauma that he did and didn't turn any of her emotions off, not like he had. She had developed normally and when sex became a part of all of her friends' lives, she probably had felt terribly lonely.
With an unbearable amount of embarrassment, Sasuke realized that he was probably experiencing the shame and growth of emotions about physical relationships that all of his former teammates and classmates had gone through when they went through puberty. When his voice had gotten lower and his hormones had acted up, he didn't feel pushed towards female companionship. He felt nothing but annoyance and irritation.
Trying to regain his composure, Sasuke began to make a list of the things he needed to know or think longer about. He didn't know if Sakura wanted to have a physical relationship. She seemed to like kissing him, but she also trembled like a leaf every time. It wasn't a response he understood. He didn't know how it was supposed to feel good, as Naruto had mentioned a few times before. He thought it would be uncomfortable and awkward and, maybe it was. But he knew it could be good. It could be really good, if Naruto was to be believed.
He had no idea how to find the answers to any of those problems, but he knew he didn't need them any time soon. Although he wanted a family with Sakura, he wasn't in any rush to push either one of them. They had been through too much not to take their time.
It was that comforting thought that ushered the Uchiha to sleep.
