Disclaimer: I don't own final fantasy 8, it's the property of Squaresoft. No money has or will exchange hands. However all original characters and storylines are mine Thanx.
Ok well here it is, give me a few weeks until my next update, as by the time this is posted I'll be in the thick of my exams. But for now here's the next chapter. Note: for those of you who've seen the scene where Kiros, ward and in a small way Laguna himself, strongly hint at the relationship between Squall and Laguna – it didn't happen in this 'reality' as it were.
Squall took the offered letter, purposely neglecting to mention the copy he had inside his own folder. As an after thought however he passed the worn blue file across the polished wooden coffee table until Laguna picked it up and without a glance in his direction, started to look through it.
But Squall was still afraid of reading his mothers letter – afraid of the contact with a woman he'd only known through a dream. Despite this he still looked to the second half of the page his 'father' had handed him and started to read.
'To my dear boy Squall,
Love is too simpler a word to express what I feel for you; you represent and are part of the most important thing to happen in my life. You see I love you, even though I have never met you because I know you in that I know you father, Laguna. He is a good man, kind and although a little thoughtless you will never meet a more devoted man.
It occurs to me that I do not know how old you will be when you read this, you could be a small boy sat on your fathers knee or be reading it whilst holding on to your own child, it makes me happy to think of either outcome because I want you to have the best life possible.
I'm just sorry that I won't be able to raise you myself, I will always look out for you, bit I know, even now that the disease that took my mother will take me as well. It seems that medicine isn't advanced enough yet to ensure my survival, but I can secure yours.
Do not blame yourself or your father for this and do not think my words are of someone who is weak, I haven't given up completely and I will fight this until the end. I have just grown to accept my fate and enjoy the time I have left, the time I have to get to know you, my little boy.
I wonder who you will turn out to be and what you will decide to do with your life. Will you be a soldier or journalist like your father? Or will you lead a quiet life choosing to settle down with someone and start a family? Whatever it is you choose I hope that you are happy, well and loved because these are the most important things you will ever find in this world.
I also hope that you will be taught the value of forgiveness, sometimes people do what they think is the right even though it is wrong. My cousin is one of these people; he could never see that I love your father and he never understood why I let him to go off in search of your sister. These last few months he's gotten worse and will not even listen to the wisdom of his wife and he will likely be the one who sends you away. My friend will go with them a she is the only one in this place I can trust now and she assures me that you will have the letter and my ring with you.
So all I can do now is tell you that I will love you always and may you find peace and happiness in your life.
All my love, your mother, Raine Loire.
There were no words that he could say and not a thought in his mind that would show itself for more than second. The revelation at the centre of all this being, not that he caused his mothers death – because by her own words she knew she hadn't. But that she had loved him and someone in Winhill had done everything they could to keep him, not only from knowing that but from knowing his father as well.
Squall looked up from what he was reading to see his father staring straight ahead, with the file in his lap and he didn't know what he was supposed to do or say, afraid of saying the wrong thing or of hurting Laguna even more. Maybe he just needed to absorb the information before he could start to accept what had happened. Something Squall had to do for himself.
'Everything you ever loved is gone from here now, and you should be too, you killed her. Our Raine would still be alive if it wasn't for you. You gave her a burden too big to carry on her own and it killed her.'
He could still hear the voice of the villager, even now. Those words had haunted him for twenty years and had been the root of the blame and regret he'd carried in his heart all that time. He thought he'd left her to worry and look after everything, that the stress of him being gone was what killed her, he had no idea that she was pregnant – or that pregnancy could kill her. If he had known then he would have gone back sooner. But he knew that Raine would never have wanted him to come back until he had rescued Ellone and even if she had written him a letter it would never have reached him.
Instead it had taken twenty years and his own son to deliver the letter. His own son... he had a son, one he'd know for three years, one who'd helped kill the most evil sorceress of all time. Not to mention the fact that he was commander of SeeD at Balamb Garden. But all this knowledge seemed so insignificant and so impersonal as practically the whole world knew who Squall Leonhart was.
So why had it taken him so long to finally know who he was. Sure there had been indications, his surname was, after all Raines maiden name, but he'd come across other Leonhearts in his travels and none of them where knowingly related to his wife. Then there was the ring, griever. He didn't think he'd ever seen Squall with it, there was only the pendant he wore around his neck, something Laguna hadn't given much thought to as there had been other places and people he'd seen it on.
There was no reason for him to have ever known he had a son and he hadn't been paying attention to the clues because he'd never considered it. As far as he knew his wife was dead and there was nothing left in the world that he cared about as much as her so why look? He'd been lied to all that time.
"I didn't know." He whispered, not fully registering that the words had left his mouth. "They told me there was nothing left for me there, that everything I'd ever loved was dead. No on would even tell me where Ellone had gone." He spoke as if distant from everything, like he wasn't aware of anything around him and the words were part of a conversation playing out through shock.
The shock of a life he'd lost the chance to live.
"I went to the orphanage, after I'd finally discovered where Ellone was. But if I'd known I'd have taken you with me and made a home for you here." Sadness crept in to his voice but his eyes remained wide open and blank.
"It's not your fault." Squall told him as he finally found his voice to offer words of comfort rather than leave the other man in the silence of his painful reverie.
"How can it not be?" this time Laguna sounded more alive and he turned his eyes on Squall.
"Because you never knew that you had a son."
"I should have gone back sooner."
But Squall shook his head. "If you had gone back you never would have captured Adel and we probably wouldn't be here now."
Part of him questioned why he was giving his father all the reasons why it wasn't his fault; right up until then he had blamed the man for at least some of what had happened, but the letter had changed all of that. And, he reasoned, his SeeD training was playing apart too, he was thinking about the facts rather than the emotions.
He was angry and hurting deeply, but he didn't blame Laguna – he blamed whoever had sent him away and kept the knowledge of his past from him and despite his mothers words he didn't know if he could forgive that.
"That's not the point! I'm your father and I should have found a way. Should have known who you were from your name and I should have looked for the ring to see if you were some sort of relative to her."
Something in Squall's mind clicked then. "Rinoa has my ring." Which made Laguna send him a questioning look. "It's a long story, she wanted to make a copy so I inadvertently lent it to her, but when it came to her giving it back... I couldn't take it and told her to keep it. She's worn it round her neck on the chain with her mothers ring ever since."
"When was this?"
"Before we came to Esthar three years ago." He answered, wondering if it had made a difference, but also knowing that he didn't regret giving Rinoa the ring either. It meant something o him that she still wore it.
"Damn it!"
"Look, my point is that you've never seen me with it and you didn't exactly spend much time talking to Rinoa either. And what's my name got to do with anything?" he asked, as a small part of him realised that they weren't really talking directly about their situation, but, he reasoned that what they were talking about was a start.
"Yeah, your mother named you after the two of us, I should have realised. Hyne I'm a moron!"
Squall stopped himself before he said something stupid and instead allowed himself to take in everything that had happened. The knowledge that he was no longer an orphan, that he had a father who seemed just as shocked by everything as he was, that he had once had a mother who loved him and he had a sister...
"Ellone."
"What?"
"Ellones really my sister isn't she? I mean I know she was adopted but she is." He explained, although it was mostly for his own benefit. But Laguna's eyes had gone cold and distant and apart from coughing to get his attention Squall couldn't think of another way.
"She must have known." Came the whisper.
"When I first realised who she was, she told me that I 'was her only hope'" Squall explained, "but during the evacuation of the Lunar base she spoke to me again. She realised that we couldn't change the past – that we could only learn from it."
"But what was the point if she didn't tell us?"
He couldn't answer that one, but he was now starting to realise why Rinoa had wanted to go and see Ellone, something was going on and the situation was proving to be increasingly complicated. Every time one question was answered another one came to the surface.
The content of the letters was mostly the same, stories about weekly events in Winhill, funny children's tales and poems, all of which was filled with subliminal messages. Rinoa had seen it all before, she'd lived through it for seven years before she finally realised what was going on. Then of course, she'd played along till she was seventeen and had graduated from high school – she'd gone straight to timber and swore never to trust her father again.
"I can't believe I didn't notice this before – it's the same thing nearly every time; 'don't tell your brother, knowledge can sometimes cause pain, if it was no body's fault, then lest no body suffer with the knowledge." Ellone sighed, exasperated at what she was learning and had been brainwashed with.
"You don't notice at first, it's not really until you go over it again that you see it for what it is." Rinoa's personal tone drew the other woman's attention. "It doesn't matter now." She said. "What matters is what happened to Squall, Laguna and you." the last thing she wanted was the attention to be put on her, she was over her problems and didn't want to dwell on her own past.
"Well, going by this we were lied to by Jaylan, he ran the shop across from the hotel – if you can call it that. He used to baby sit me when Raine and Laguna were 'busy'."
"Did he take you to the orphanage?"
Ellone shook her head. "Not on his own, Almae his wife and Raines best friend Rachel came as well."
Rinoa studied the letters that she carried again, paying particular attention to the names and the handwriting. It was almost always the same, well written but she could tell a man had penned them – all the ones with subliminal content anyway, but the name at the bottom gave that away even she hadn't been so observant.
"Almae and Rachel haven't signed or written any of these, with a couple of exceptions but there's are normal letters, the ones that lied to you are all from Jaylen. I know that the people weren't exactly found of Laguna but why would one of them take it to this extreme?"
"I don't know, he was always funny with Laguna and I don't remember him being at the wedding either."
"Could he have been jealous?"
Ellone shook her head again, "No, he'd married Almae years before I was born, there were pictures up in Raines house."
And Rinoa slumped against the cabinet she was sat in front of, glancing at her watch. She wondered if they'd been left alone for long enough yet although I don't think any length of time is really long enough.
"Then I guess there's nothing more we can do until we talk to Laguna – and that could be quite a while." She observed sighing in defeat.
'BEEP, BEEP'
"What's that noise?" Rinoa asked looking around for the source.
"It's the intercom, most rooms in the palace have one – it's sometimes easier than going all the way to the other side of the building." Ellone explained as she stood and made her way into the other room, the sorceress followed her.
"Hello?"
The screen in front of them came to life and a very white Laguna and Squall could be seen sat in the presidential lounge where Rinoa had left them earlier.
"Could you two come back to the lounge please? There's something we need to discuss." Laguna asked them, although it didn't sound like a question – and he looked like he was either going to scream or be physically sick.
"Yeah, we'll be there as soon as we can." Ellone told him lowering her eyes to avoid looking at the screen.
Rinoa said nothing, she just looked at Squall and nodded her head – he knew as well as she did that the blame didn't lye with Ellone, but by the look in his eyes he needed to be convinced.
The relief on Squalls face when they walked in went someway in explaining to Rinoa how the conversation between the two men had gone. So she made her way over to him and put her arms around him, holding him closely in the silence of the room before stepping back a little and standing at his side.
Ellones eyes were focused on the floor as she didn't want to meet her uncles eyes, she felt so ashamed – as if somewhere inside she knew if she'd just said something that things would have turned out so differently – if she'd just managed to persuade Laguna to go back with her all those years ago...
"Sis?" Squall asked before looking to Rinoa for some sort of answer as to why his 'sister' was acting the way she was. Rinoa shrugged in response and waited for someone to speak.
"I'm so sorry, I thought that if I told you then you would either hate yourselves or each other, I didn't know how to make you see that it wasn't your fault – that you weren't to blame." Ellone whispered brokenly and she held out the collection of letters without lifting her head as she whished for it all to be over.
Laguna snatched them from her and she flinched, quickly moving to sit down away from them.
"This isn't her fault." Rinoa said, meeting Laguna's stony gaze directly. "I don't know what would have happened if she'd told you three years ago, but there are reasons she didn't. You're a politician – you should know all about subliminal messages and carefully woven instructions, those letters you have in your hands are full of them and if you need someone to blame then I suggest you blame their author." She continued not letting her gaze or her confidence waver for a second
All three watched while he scanned the pages and looked at the name, then he looked up at Squall with misty eyes and a look of deep pain in his face.
"I'm... I have to..." then he stopped speaking all together as he fought the tears he refused to let fall in front of his son. "I'm sorry ok? About all of this. I'm sorry that we were never a family, that I didn't go back earlier and I'm sorry that I have to leave now." He took in a deep and deliberate breath. "I need to sort this out in my head and I don't think you need to see a grown man – your father no less break down and cry in front of you. Give me until tomorrow and I promise we'll have a proper conversation, but right now..."
Squall looked from Laguna to Ellone and then back again, so much pain lay around him, pain that had been caused by mortal means. Pain whose cause he couldn't forgive.
"It's ok, go. We all need time to think this through, so we'll talk tomorrow." He told his father, who tried to protest but Squall shook his head before he had the chance "It's ok." He reassured and the older man left without saying a word, if he spoke he would let it all out and neither him nor his son were ready for that yet.
From the silence came the quiet sound of someone crying and turning Squall saw his sister with her face in her hands as she sobbed. He glanced quickly at Rinoa who nodded her head as if to tell him what he was going to do was the right thing, so he walked towards Ellone and knelt at her side.
"Elle?" but she wouldn't look up. "Sis?" he asked again.
"This is all my fault Squall – all of It." her words broke through her sobs and provoked Squall to do something he wasn't accustomed to, he reached up and took his sister into his arms.
"No it's not, Shhh." He whispered, blinking back his own tears. Inside he was reeling from the shock and the pain and he understood why Laguna had to run for a while but he couldn't dwell on his own pain, there were others that needed him and he found some comfort in that.
"But I've hurt you and Laguna so much and I –" but he cut her off,
"No, you have done nothing wrong – all you have ever done was to try and protect those who you love. Don't blame your self, please." He couldn't take any more people hurting, internal torment was the worst kind of pain and he refused to let those he cared for suffer.
She didn't say anything more, just clung onto him for support, she knew then that she loved him just as much as any biological sibling that she could have had and she thanked god for him and the rest of her family everyday. She just wished that she could help them – they always seemed to be saving her.
The cool desert night brought restless sleep for Squall, he was waking up almost every hour with a fear that disappeared before he could pin it down and then left him in a cold sweat. He didn't know what he was – or should be feeling, everything was messed up and he didn't know where to start – what was he supposed to do now?
"Squall, no ones out to hurt you here, your safe." He turned to the source of the calming voice at his side. Even in the dim light he could see Rinoa's brown eyes sparkling at him from where she lay.
She'd been watching him as he slept for the past hour and had heard the words he spoke in his sleep. By the look on his face he wasn't aware that he'd made a sound and she felt as though she was privy to an untold or even unknown secret. It was neither comforting or disturbing and it unsettled her.
"You don't remember do you?" she asked carefully when she noticed him studying her.
"No." he said finally, lying back so that he saw the ceiling. "I don't remember some damn dream, only a feeling."
"What feeling?" Rinoa asked, sliding closer to him under the covers, Esthar, in true desert fashion was hot during the day but bitterly cold come the night time.
He could have told her it didn't matter but she wouldn't have believed him and he didn't want to lie to her, there had been enough of those already. So he answered. "Fear, complete and total fear of something I don't remember."
He felt her sigh at his side and looked down at her for some sort of explanation.
"You were shouting before, almost screaming at someone who wanted to kill you – you said something about 'wanting to be alive, that you didn't want to disappear just because someone wanted you too'." her voice was quiet and slightly muffled, from where she effectively lay hidden at his side.
"I – I really don't remember who I was shouting at or why, I don't even think there was anyone there." It was his turn to sigh. "I'm sorry I woke you." But Rinoa sat up at this so she could see his face.
"You didn't. And I know who you were shouting at." He looked puzzled at this, so she elaborated. "You never saw Ellones letters when she handed then to Laguna and I'm guessing no names were given in the letter from your mother.".
He shook his head, "No, she only mentioned that I should forgive her cousin for what he was going to do."
"Then he would be Jaylen, the man who wrote to Ellone, well his wife wrote a couple of letters but he seemed to write all the ones that contained more information that she first noticed."
"I don't understand though – why would I be so mad at him?" it was meant to be a rhetorical question but Rinoa had an answer.
"Because in some ways he's the reason you were left alone in the first place, if he really was Raines cousin then he had plenty of motive to do what he did – your mothers condition was it hereditary?" she asked to clarify something that had been playing in her mind since knowing that a picture of Jaylens wedding was in Raines house.
"Yeah." Squall told her. "But then how would they be cousins?"
She had to think for a minute before the obvious reason popped into her tired brain. "He was a cousin on her father's side, he probably felt protective of her being her only relative and everything – his only link and then..." but she deliberately didn't finish, she didn't want him to hurt anymore.
"My father and I came along and she died because of it." He sounded so... like he was blaming himself. I though his mothers letter was supposed to stop that.
"That's not fair and not true! You know by your mothers own words that she loved you both and you know that she didn't regret any of the time she had with you." But squall was no longer looking at her, his eyes were clamped firmly shut and she knew why.
"Oh Squall." She breathed before lowering herself into his arms and being taken slightly by surprise when he pulled her tight against him. "Just because of one mans stupid actions – Jaylen was a jerk, he didn't care about anyone but himself. Your mother loved you, your father does although he doesn't understand it yet and I love you. I love you so much Squall, you have nothing to be afraid of. Nothing." She just hoped he would believe her.
Again - Sorry for the delay on this chapter but I've only got another couple of weeks of exams so I should be back to normal soon. As always constructive criticism and reviews welcome.
