Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or any of the characters. Except for Sarah, but she's kind of just a random staff member.
The entire Hellsing organization was busy preparing for the celebration of the birthday of its highly esteemed leader, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing. It was going to be a very large affair, taking days in advance to plan and prepare for the party and decorate the Hellsing manor. Lucky, there hadn't been many freak attacks lately, leaving many of the soldiers and staff stuck with party detail.
They had gotten Integra out of the Hellsing manor by having her summoned to a Round Table Conference held in the northern part of the country. They had all week to prepare until Integra returned on the day of her birthday. Sera's had gotten the idea, so she immediately recruited Walter and the two took charge of the preparation.
Walter had worked on the catering and gathering supplies, while Seras Victoria had directed the staff on the placement of decorations and sending out invitations. Alucard, meanwhile, had spent most of his time trying to avoid the attention of Walter and the police girl, hoping to not get stuck with any of the work.
"Ok, I want you to hang these balloons up there in that corner," Seras directed a random female staff member, "And I want that birthday banner over there above the door."
"Yes ma'am." The staff member, whom we'll call Sarah, nodded to Seras as she climbed the ladder propped against the wall. It was difficult climbing, as she was carrying the balloons up with her, but she managed to climb high enough until her head was nearly against the ceiling.
She began to tape the multi-colored balloons to the frigid stone walls when she had the unpleasant feeling of being watched. She glanced up to the ceiling, a mere foot above her head. There hung the upper half of Alucard, upside-down and watching her like a curious kitten. He was poking some of the balloons she had already hung up like they were the most curious thing he'd ever seen before. Sarah screamed in fright, throwing colored balloons everywhere in her mad scramble back down the ladder.
"Oops…" muttered Alucard, realizing he'd scared the poor woman nearly to death and had gotten the attention of everyone in the room. He quickly made his retreat back into the stony wall.
Walter, meanwhile, was trying to calm the poor woman. He noticed that she was new to the Hellsing staff, one of the many new people hired after the Valentine brothers' incident.
"It's alright, miss, that was just our resident vampire Alucard. He doesn't mean any harm, he just likes to play tricks like that sometimes." Walter assured the woman.
After that incident, Alucard decided it'd be best to avoid the staff for awhile, instead wandering silently through the lower levels of the Hellsing mansion. But he could only take it for so long before boredom once again set in.
"I'll just go take a peek and see how it's going up there," thought Alucard as he made his way up the stairs and into the main hall.
Walter had placed all the food on long, white-clothed tables in the middle of the main hall. The entire room was decorated in brightly colored balloons and streamers, and the gifts for Integra were piled high on a round table in the corner of the room.
Alucard peered around the dim, candle-lit room. He stepped into the main hall, strolling around and nodding in approvement of the décor. "The police girl did a fairly decent job, not too bad," he observed.
He stopped in the center of the room, looking up and down the long tables at the different array of food and beverage. A cheerful grin lit his face when he saw a large bottle filled with a familiar red substance.
"I'm sure no one would mind if I 'borrowed' this. The police girl can get her own later, this one's mine!" He took a quick glance around the room to be certain no one would see him, then hastily hid the bottle inside his red coat. He took a final glance around, then whistled merrily as he made his way back to his own room.
Once he was safe within his own room, he took the bottle of red liquid out of his coat and sat down in his high-backed chair. He casually threw one leg over the arm of the chair as he opened the bottle. He downed half of it in one gulp before he began to gag. "What the hell IS this? It's terrible! How could they possibly expect anyone to drink this? It's thin and watery, and tastes like crap! They'll take blood donations from anyone, nowadays!" Alucard complained to the empty room. He angrily swirled the liquid inside the bottle as he continued to gripe about humans and their standards.
~Meanwhile, back upstairs~
"Miss Victoria, have you seen the bottle of red wine that was on the table? I'd swear I'd put it right here, but it seems to have gone missing, now." Walter said as he moved bottles around, searching for the missing one.
"Sorry, Walter, I haven't seen it," Seras replied as she continued directing the décor staff, "Are you certain you even brought it out here?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow at the Hellsing family butler.
"Yes, yes, quite certain. It was right here, I remember bringing it out with the other bottles." He looked up from his work to see Seras' frown. "I am not that old yet, Miss Victoria." Walter retorted to her unspoken sentiment. He huffed angrily and made his way back into the kitchen, to search for the missing bottle.
~Back in Alucard's room~
Alucard was busy yelling at the now-shattered bottle on the floor of his room. He couldn't remember what the offending bottle had done, or even why he was yelling at it, but he knew that it deserved to be yelled at.
"Yooouu taste…like crrrrap," he announced, pointing at the broken bits of the empty bottle littering the floor, "And I…I am leaving yoou now, to go……somewhere else," he finished slurring, staggering towards his door. He ran full into the closed door with a loud 'crack' that reverberated throughout the entire Hellsing manor.
"Oopsis," he laughed, bending over to pick up his fallen hat. He leaned over a bit to far and fell to the floor, landing on his stomach beside the hat. He lay there for a few minutes, deciding which of the two hats he should pick up. He reached for the one on the right, deciding that it looked nicer then the one on the left. His eyes opened wide in shock when his hand went through the hat, his jaw nearly hitting the floor.
"Whoa…That's neato…" He reached again for the hat, and again his hand went right through it. He giggled as his hand went through it again and again. He stayed that way for several minutes before getting angry and going for the hat on the left. After getting the same result, he decided to forget the hat.
He tried to stand, but found it rather difficult, so he got to his knees instead. Gripping the doorframe for support, he got to his feet. Laughing at his triumph, he made his way through the door. And promptly tripped over his hat, ending up back on the floor. He angrily grabbed for both hats, finally finding one that seemed completely solid, and put it on his head crookedly. He again got to his feet, with some difficulty, and made his way drunkenly up to the main level.
Sarah had finally gotten over her encounter with Alucard earlier that morning, and was once again happily decorating the Hellsing manor for Sir Integra's birthday celebration. She was, at the moment, in the main entrance hall hanging banners that said 'Surprise!' and 'Happy Birthday, Sir Integra!'.
She was at the top of a ladder hanging the birthday banner on the wall of the stairwell so it'd be the first thing Integra saw when she came into the manor, when Alucard walked into the room. Well, staggered into the room, looking quite disheveled and with his hat on crooked.
At first, Sarah tried to ignore him, as Walter had suggested she do, but it was hard to ignore a dead, staggering vampire as he walked through a room. She continued to hang the banner, even as she heard repeated 'thunks' from below her.
Finally, unable to take it anymore, she glanced down to the ground, intending to yell at Alucard for annoying her while she worked. Instead, the complaint died on her lips as she saw the vampire king repeatedly walking into the stone wall. She watched curiously as he ran into the wall, was knocked back a few steps, and walked again into the wall, muttering something unintelligible the entire time.
Unsure if this was normal behavior for a vampire, and very creeped out by the whole affair, she carefully climbed down the ladder and crept out of the room, her banner left half-hung.
Alucard, having not even noticed Sarah, continued to walk into the wall. "Gotta…go find some more….of that crrrrappppy blood," he giggled, ramming his head against the wall. "Crrrrapppppy….Cccccrrrappppy….Ca-rap-pie!!!" he finished, finally collapsing to the floor in a giggling fit.
After much giggling, he got back to his feet and remembered that he could always just walk into the main hall, he didn't necessarily have to go through the wall. He looked around the room, unsure which way the main hall was. He knew it was in the manor, somewhere, but he couldn't remember where. He staggered off in the opposite direction that Sarah had gone, on a mission to find some more of the crappy, watery blood.
Ok, that's it for Chapter One. Hope someone laughed, or at least found it amusing. It's my first time writing any sort of fanfic, and I thought humor would be the best way to go with it. I know vampires can't really get drunk, so please no flames about that minor detail. It's just a humorous, 'what-if' fic. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think. Suggestions or comments would be welcome. 'Til next time =^.^=
