Disclaimer: The OC and it's characters are owned by Josh Schwartz and Fox. I am just borrowing them.

Nothing Temporary About It

Ryan didn't understand why he had reacted the way he did in the room at the top of the watering can. Old memories, sad memories had just swept over him but he wasn't afraid anymore and he had no need to hide. No need to be afraid of adults who took out their anger of a wasted life on him. No need to hide from the cruel words that never left a bruise on the outside but always left a scar on the inside. What a fool he had been to think he had those dismal memories stuffed away where they couldn't hurt him anymore. He knew now they would always be with him, haunting him forever. He wondered how Kirsten could feel so sure that his own children would never need to hide. Maybe she was right though, because he knew he would do everything in his power to make sure they felt safe, secure and loved. He wanted to believe that he had a shot at his dreams but something always ruined the good things in his life. Atwood's don't have the best of luck, after all. Someone or something is always there to keep you down. He was just surprised his good fortune had lasted this long.

Kirsten glanced at her foster son. He had grown silent after their conversation about his "zoning out" and she hoped he was thinking about what she had said. She had meant it. She would do everything in her power to make sure that Ryan would never have a reason to hide again--both she and Sandy would. Seth, too, for that matter. He was family now and you protect those you love. She glanced at him again and watched as he traced the stitching on the door panel. "Hey," she said softly. "Its 11:30, you want to get some lunch?"

"No, I'm good."

"Come on, I'm starving. I know you've got to be hungry."

"Yeah, okay." If Kirsten wanted to stop for lunch he wasn't going to disagree, but he wasn't sure he could eat anything. His stomach was still in knots. He hated the way the memories still did that to him. Sometimes it was like he was reliving all of the old feelings.

"At the next exit there are several restaurants. What do you want?"

"Anything's good."

"Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King, all of the fast food places. Which do you like best?" She glanced at him, hoping for an answer.

"Whatever you want?"

Well, she wasn't going to push the issue, but she wished she could get the boy to a least tell his preference of fast food restaurants. Only through observation had she been able to pick up on the things that Ryan liked. When they had Mexican food for dinner, she noticed he was the only one who ate guacamole and he always took a second helping of the fajitas. She made note of which of the shirts she had given him he chose to wear more often. She knew he didn't really like the one with the stitching on the shoulders because he had only worn it a couple of times and it was usually on some family outing. She hoped someday he would be comfortable enough to say he wanted Taco Bell, or wherever. For now, though, she just said, "All right, let's go to Wendy's." After the bathroom break and ordering of food, they found a place in the lobby to eat their meal. Kirsten picked it out, of course; she had asked Ryan but he had just said anyplace was good.

"Well, we're about 30 to 45 minutes away from the cemetery, so maybe we'll be home before Seth even with our side trip."

Ryan nodded.

"We'll have to carry everything from the car out to mom's grave because the road leading in is a little distance away." She paused for possible comment from Ryan and when there was none she continued. "After we plant them we have to make sure they are watered well. There are sprinklers but we need to water them pretty well the first time to make sure they take root." She looked at Ryan, hoping once again for some sort of acknowledgement that he had heard her. He was looking out the window and seemed to be lost in thought again. "Hey, Ryan. Penny for your thoughts."

"Hum, yeah, water the plants. I heard you." Ryan picked up a fry and dipped in ketchup.

Kirsten watched him as he seemed to concentrate on the fries. "What is it, Ryan? Something bothering you?"

"No." He paused and picked up another fry. "It's just… I don't know. Never mind--it's stupid."

"I can't imagine I would think anything you have to say is stupid. Come on, what is it?" She tried to catch his eye, but as usual he was avoiding it. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Does this have to do with what happened at the nursery?"

His head came up then and he looked at her. "No, I'm okay. That was just old memories, I guess."

"Okay, then what is it, sweetie?"

"I don't know. I was just…I mean, I was…" He stumbled over his words. He dropped his head, then picked it up again seemingly having made a decision to say what was on his mind. "Back there, with your friend, when he asked if I was your son, you told him yes. I mean, you didn't even say foster son." He looked her directly in her eyes now. "Why?"

Knowing that this was an important moment in the future of their relationship, Kirsten took her time to answer. "Well, the way I see it, you are my son? No, I didn't carry you for nine months and no, you haven't lived with us for the first 16 years of your life, but you are here with us now. And I can ground you and make you help me plant flowers--that kinda sounds like a son to me."

"But I'm just…" Ryan searched for the right words. "I'm a foster son. Like a temporary son. You guys just let me live with you because you felt sorry for me." He began to study his fries intently.

"Well…I take exception to the "temporary" part but I'll get back to that in a few minutes. You're right--we did take you in because we felt bad for you. But also because we believed we could make a difference in your life. We saw a lot of potential in you." Kirsten paused for effect and then continued, "Granted, I was a little slower to see that potential, but I did see it. Sometimes I can be a little slow." Once again she tried to make eye contact, and this time she was rewarded with a look from the corner of his eyes and a slight smile that quickly faded.

"But you don't need to feel like you have to tell people I'm your son," he said softly as he swirled a fry in his ketchup.

"I'm proud to tell people you're my son," Kirsten said sincerely. "I'll admit I was a little hesitant, but that's mostly because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. If you prefer, I won't do it again?"

"No!" He said a little louder that intended. Then in a quieter voice he continued, "I mean, no you don't have to stop. I don't mind if its what you want."

"Ryan, I want you to want it too. But I'm glad you don't mind. You're a good son. Sandy and I will always be happy that we made the choice to bring you into our family."

"Really? What if I do something really dumb?"

"Let's see. You are sixteen-year-old boy. I think 'does dumb stuff' is in the job description. Plus, I seem to remember you've already done some dumb things. Right? So, I guess you're stuck with us. I'm not sure, but I think I did a couple of dumb things when I was sixteen," she said with a smile. "Wait! No, I didn't."

Ryan allowed himself a chuckle as he recalled the threats of her friend to reveal her blurry college memories. Then serious again he said, "I don't think--I don't think I can call you guys…mom and dad. 'Cause, I already have those. I know they won't win any prizes for the job they've done so far but…" Ryan's voice trailed off as he thought about his parents.

"But you have a bond with them, no matter what kind of mistakes they made. I get that and I don't expect you to call me mom. Really, Ryan, sweetie, you can call me whatever you want as long as it's not Kiki. I hate Kiki." She glanced in his direction and then added in a soft and serious tone, "You know, I could tell how much you loved your mother when she was here."

"Yeah, I do," he said sadly. "You know, she wasn't always so messed up."

"I'm glad. Maybe she will get her life straightened out one day. I hope so, because I know how happy it would make you."

That was one thing that he hoped for as well but he never really believed it would happen. His mother still wallowed in the self-pity of bad Atwood luck instead of making her own luck. He blinked away the sting in his eyes and attempted to eat his now cold hamburger and fries.

Kirsten reached into her purse and pulled out a ten-dollar bill. "Throw that stuff away and get some hot ones."

Ryan shook his head no. "I can eat it, believe me I've had worse."

"Not on my watch, mister," Kirsten said in her best mom voice. "That will give you a stomach ache and we can't have that. You still have a lot of heavy lifting to do."

Ryan smiled, took the money and headed to the counter to purchase the hot food. As he sat back down at the table, he handed the change to Kirsten. "You keep it," she said. When she saw him start to protest she said, "Take it. It makes us parents happy let you boys keep the change once in a while. I don't know why, it just does. So do me a favor, okay?"

"A favor, huh?" Ryan stood and slipped the money into his pocket.

"Thanks. Oh, about this temporary son thing. Not a chance. Like I said before you're stuck with us and I think we're moving into forever territory here." Kirsten reached out to Ryan and took his hand in hers. He looked at her hand and then turned his eyes toward her. Then she added, "I have another request. Do you think your future kids could call me and Sandy, Nana and PaPa? Or something like that?"

"I'm thinking, maybe, Granny."

"Oh, you better not. That's for little old ladies in rocking chairs." She pulled her hand away and playfully slapped at his as they shared a laugh. Looking at her watch she said, "We need to get moving. Let's finish up and get on the road. I think I'll let you drive this time."

Ryan took a handful off fries and shoved them into his mouth and Kirsten marveled at the ability of teenage boys to do that.

tbc