Timeline- It's a future AR set after S7/S5
Rating -PG-13
Pairing- Dawn/Spike (mentions Dawn/Connor, Willow/Kennedy and in a weird way Willow/Giles)
Summary- After a life changing trauma, Dawn seeks out an old friend
Author's Note 1 -For Leni, happy 20th birthday.
Author's Note 2- This started out as a birthday gift for Leni. Then I realized it fit my own geekgirlz In Vino Veritas challenge so it was written for that then I found out about the Hometown Ficathon Challenge and that clinched the setting. So it's a three in one story.
Author's Note 3 - This was originally published in 2004. The Cassadaga Hotel is real. I lived a block away when I wrote this. The Blind Pig was also real and the table described below was real and created by friend.
Like the sound of silence calling
I hear your voice and suddenly I'm falling
Lost in a dream
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting
You say those words, my heart stops beating
I wonder what it means
What could it be that comes over me
At times I can't move
At times I can't hardly breathe
When You Say You Love Me - Josh Groban
Chapter 1Dawn sat on the porch of the Cassadaga Hotel. There wasn't much to look at in the tiny town. She was surprised that this quiet village in central Florida pulled in tourists from all over the world just to see the psychics...spiritualists...whatever. The whole spiritualist camp was only a few old buildings and some small homes, nothing special looking. In fact, it seemed rather poor and tired. It felt almost ordinary, which was what she was looking for after the hellish time she had been through; if oblivion could be considered hellish, and, for Dawn's money, it could.
She let her head fall back against the deck chair, taking in the cool winter breeze. The Florida night air felt crisper than she expected, the humidity adding a bite that her southern California home rarely did. Granted, it wasn't the ice box she had left her family and friends behind in back in London. Dawn banished thoughts of friends and family. She was in Florida to forget them, just for a little while. She didn't want to cut them out of her life. She just wanted a little time to herself, maybe find an old friend she hadn't seen in a long while.
Unless she was mistaken, the scent of tobacco wafting up onto the porch, the lack of the sounds of anyone approaching over the wooden steps, Dawn knew he was close. She looked over and smiled weakly at the blond man. Spike spread his arms, and Dawn shot out of the chair. He enveloped her in his cool embrace. Dawn hugged him hard enough that his ribs creaked. She tucked her chin on his shoulder, wondering when she had gotten almost as taller as him. Spike just let her decide when it was time to break contact.
Dawn stepped back, trying not to cry. She promised herself she wouldn't. She had to be a grown up. That was what this was about, being grown up, old enough to make her own choices, live her own life. It had been hard to do that, to become her own woman back in England. There was just too much shadow to claw her way out from under. Buffy surprised her, stepping aside enough to let the sunlight hit her. It was the well-meaning Willow and Xander who were smothering her, trying to keep her fifteen when she was looking at twenty in a few months.
"Thought we lost..."
Dawn pressed her fingers to Spike's lips. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go somewhere fun then we can talk."
Spike flicked his cigarette into the street. "This is Cassadaga, luv. The sun goes down and the streets roll up. All the tourists think there're witches here doing spells all night so the place gets a rep it doesn't deserve. Especially seeing as they're psychics not witches, and there are no pubs or clubs in town. You're out of luck. The most exciting thing that happens is bingo once a week and occasionally dances but I think you need to be over fifty-five for that."
"Spike," Dawn broke in before Spike could really get on a ramble. "There has to be something to do that doesn't involve the crowds at Daytona or Orlando."
"Yeah, I can get you there." Spike looped an arm around her.
"And can we not talk until we get there?" She felt treacherous for asking but she just wanted to be alone, quiet, to feel his presence rather than hear his voice.
If he was offended, Spike didn't show it. "Anything you want, luv."
Dawn watched the mix of houses and trees go by as Spike took the roads too fast. He made a few comments about hoping he wasn't driving into the swamp since he still didn't really know the area well. Dawn knew he had been sent by Giles and Buffy to Florida three weeks ago, a week after the big trauma happened. He was here trying to find a way to save her, only in the end she didn't need saving.
He parked on a back road and led her to a very small bar called the Blind Pig. He held the door open, and Dawn paused for a moment. The place was full except for one table. She thought for a moment about going back to the hotel. Maybe she wasn't really ready to see Spike or to be out on her own, just like Xander had said. Wobbly like a newborn deer she swallowed down the urge to bolt as it swelled. She ignored that gut feeling, went in, and took the last table.
"Where are we?"
"DeLand. The Watchers put me up here. Too much traffic at the Cassadaga hotel to stay for long. Want a beer?"
Dawn looked up at him in surprise but nodded. As he moved off, she looked around the bar. The crowd was young. There was probably a college nearby. She examined the table noticing that it, and all the tables, were works of art. Hers had photos of graveyards embedded in it with hieroglyphic-type figures painted around them, rather surreal and creepy. Spike came back and set a beer in front of her. She took a hearty swig of it, not caring she was still about fifteen months too young to be drinking it. "Thanks, Spike."
"Just don't tell your sister. She'll stake me if anything happens to you." He grinned, then his face fell, realizing what he had just said. "Dawn, I'm sorry."
"What worse could happen to me here? I think of what I just went through..." she broke off, looking down at the pictures in the table.
Spike put his hands over hers. "When I thought you were gone for good..." Spike's eyes misted. "Without me ever getting the chance to tell you that I really cared about you. I know that when I came back from wherever it was that I went after the battle with the First, I should have come to find you guys in Europe and say my piece."
"You were needed in L.A., and I'm not...well, it was just easier that you didn't." Dawn saw the pain in his eyes but it was the truth. It was easier on Buffy not having to deal with either Spike or Angel after Sunnydale collapsed. Scouring the world for new Slayers took up a lot of time, and they could all put aside their pain and just lose themselves in work. Dawn knew she had. She had lost a lot, even her mother's grave, but she kept reminding herself that she still had a lot. Almost all her friends and family had made it out alive, and she had mourned the loss of Anya and Spike. By the time Spike had come back to life, she hadn't forgiven him for trying to rape Buffy, but she had allowed herself to see his final sacrifice as a form of redemption.
"They wanted to give you a funeral, the new Slayers, did your sister tell you that?" Spike's blue eyes bore into hers.
Dawn nodded and gulped at her beer. It slid down her throat, bitter and slightly acidic. It reminded her she was alive, and after being nothing, that felt good. "I know. I also know you and Angel came to England to help Buffy and the others find me, Kennedy, and Cally."
"For all the good we did," Spike said, his voice laced with loathing as he drained his beer.
"You tried. I appreciate that." Dawn polished off her beer in three long swallows. Spike immediately got up. Dawn watched his thin frame threading through the tight-knit tables towards the bar. She could image his fear and panic when she disappeared. Everyone thought Kennedy and Cally were alive, on the other side of the portal but they thought the Key lost forever. They concentrated on finding the lost ones, having no clue how to reclaim her.
Spike sat back down, handing her a fresh beer. She took that as a sign he was saying it was okay to get drunk because she needed it. And she did, totally. "I thought the kid was going to lose it...and Red, God, no one should have to go through that. You would have been proud of Peaches, though, Dawn. He was right there for Willow and Buffy."
She smiled, surprised he was willing to admit anything good about Angel. "I know. Buffy told me."
"Thought the kid was going to find a way to punch right through to wherever the fuck you guys were," Spike said.
"Connor's done that before." Dawn swallowed beer as fast as she could, trying to wash Connor's memory out of her mind. Before the whole tragedy, he and she were a couple. Now, she didn't know what they were any more. A train wreck that everyone couldn't help but stare at, and it was her fault because she was being ridiculous.
"Yeah, and I thought the kid's father was intense. Fuck all, Nancy Boy's got nothing on his brat." Spike lit up, ignoring the glare of the college kids at the next table.
Dawn realized Spike was the only one outside of a girl near the door, desperately trying to look cool, who was smoking. "Can't argue the intensity thing," she muttered.
Spike's eyes narrowed, a protective shield falling over him. "Did the kid do something to you, Bit?"
She didn't think Spike, or Faith for that matter, called Connor anything but 'the kid.' It made him chew the walls in frustration. Dawn called him 'Blue Eyes' in private. Right now, she wasn't speaking to him. "He didn't do anything, Spike." More beer trickled down her throat. Her head was already swimming. She wasn't a drinker. "That's part of the problem. He's weirded out."
"He was that way before this all got started," Spike huffed. "Never did see what you saw in him."
Dawn pursed her lips, licking foam off of them as she set her empty mug aside. She couldn't tell Spike the truth because it was ugly. She wondered if she ever loved Connor or she had simply pretended she did care for him deeply? Truth was, she did care, but there was always some obstacle in the way of them being entirely happy. Maybe it was because they were both freaks. That's what she'd tell Spike at any rate. "We're both...unique. We had a lot to talk about. He's very tender, Spike. Connor cares too much sometimes." And he did, so much so that Dawn feared he'd get obsessive like Spike did over Buffy but so far that hadn't happened.
Spike snorted, and eyed her like he didn't buy that. Dawn ignored it. She couldn't tell him the truth that Willow and Xander worried about her too much, tried too hard to protect her. Worse, Kennedy got in on the act, like Dawn wanted to hear anything that bitch had to say. She didn't know why she hated Kennedy. Maybe it was because she had loved Tara so much. It was Tara and Willow who were like big sisters to her, caring for her after Mom and Buffy died. She didn't want Kennedy in that role, especially since she was old enough to take care of herself.
Every time she tried to go out on a date, Willow, Kennedy, and Xander were there like overbearing parents. Even Buffy knew better, or maybe it was just Buffy was too busy. Xander kept steering her toward Andrew, who was becoming a Watcher wash out. He didn't have the mental dexterity for it all. He'd end up in the OPS staff doing the filing or mail room at the rate he was going. Andrew was such a pompous ass; he made what Wesley had been the first time he had come to the States seem mild in comparison. That didn't bother Dawn. Andrew could be rarely funny, but she knew the truth about what he had done to Katrina. It was worse than what Spike had done to Buffy. She wasn't going to rationalize Spike's actions as he thought it was one of the dark sex games he and Buffy used to play. She had heard Buffy herself do that, and it made her sick, but maybe there was some truth to it, not to mention the whole soul-less part of Spike at that time. Andrew had no such excuse, and she didn't understand what made Xander think it was okay for her to be with him.
"Connor is intriguing, Spike," she muttered finally, pushing her beer mug at him. He obligingly got up and got a third round. He was right; if Buffy knew about him getting her drunk, he was walking dust. At least the intriguing part was true. Connor had joined up with Giles at Angel's suggestion. After killing Sahjhan, Connor had played at going back to his lie of a life, pretending his memory was still wiped but he couldn't keep it up. The truth ate him up but he just wasn't ready to stay in L.A. so Angel sent him to join Giles, figuring Connor might relate to the father figure in Giles. He wasn't wrong. She and Connor grew together naturally.
Xander hated it. Dawn didn't know if it was because Connor was Angel's son, or if it was because he was rough and dangerous, but the resentment was there bubbling under the surface. The first time Dawn went out with Connor was because Xander and Kennedy had kicked up a fuss at Connor taking her out patrolling. She had had enough. To hell with them, she decided. She was training with Giles to be a mage and a Watcher. She had a lot of power, certainly enough to go out on patrol. There had been an ugly screaming match with them over whose life it was and whose choices. Willow had finally kept out of it, but more because she was in her second trimester and feeling bad.
Kennedy did her best to break her and Connor up after that, as if that was the way to prove to Willow she was doing what the witch wanted. Ever since Willow got pregnant, Dawn knew their lives were strained. They had wanted to have a kid, to prove their commitment, and Dawn feared it was backfiring. She wanted Willow to be happy, even if it was with Kennedy. Dawn knew Buffy was of the same mind as her. After the whole mutiny in Sunnydale, neither of them trusted the younger Slayer. Buffy had forgiven Dawn her part in that, which Dawn didn't think she deserved, but Kennedy was tolerated for Willow's sake alone.
It was easy to ignore Kennedy's meddling. It was harder to deal with Xander's coolness towards her. It brought her closer to Buffy, in some perverse way. Now she truly understood how Buffy felt when she found herself at the business end of Xander's sharp tongue in regards to Angel. Buffy liked Connor, and Dawn was glad of that. She knew it was because he was Angel's son and for no other reason that Buffy liked him, but she didn't want her sister to hate the man she was with. Because you know she'd hate the man you think you really want to be with, her mind whispered as Spike sat back down with the beers.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said.
"Too muddy to clarify," she replied, thinking on the look on Xander's face when he realized Connor wasn't just her boyfriend but her lover. She took a terrible delight at rubbing it in Xander's face. With the right urging, Connor could be loud and wild and half the complex knew what they were up to. He was too naive to know it was wrong, and she didn't care. "Thinking about love."
"Ugh, yeah, that's always muddy," he agreed, doing the shot he had brought back with his beer. She saw he didn't get her one, which was just as well.
She watched the muscles of his neck work as he swallowed, and knew in her heart why Connor would always just be about the sex and not love, well not entirely. A piece of her heart was still in a crypt back in the remains of Sunnydale.
Spike's hand reached out, covering hers. It was cool and calloused, the nails painted black again. He had backslid a bit into his Billy Idol look, but she liked it. "Want to talk about the whole thing now, luv?"
Dawn hung her head, her hair nearly falling into the beer. "There's not much to talk about, Spike. You know how it all got started." She glanced up, and he bobbed his head. Dawn thought back about it. She had been with Connor, going to meet Kennedy to pick up Willow's daughter, Cally. Connor adored the baby, loved babysitting and so did Dawn. Kennedy hated it. Dawn knew then that Cally was going to be the death knell for Willow's relationship with the Slayer.
Willow had been with Giles doing a spell in Glasgow, leaving the baby with Kennedy who was more than happy to hand Cally over to Dawn for the weekend. What they hadn't expected was Amy Madison finding them in London. "I can't believe Amy still blames Willow for leaving her as a rat," Dawn mumbled.
"Probably drove her batty," Spike said. "Insane people aren't exactly reasonable. Trust me on that one."
Dawn nodded. "Dru certainly would give you perspective on the matter." It made sense to Dawn. Amy was out to hurt Willow, and she had found the right spell. "I don't remember much of it, Spike. Amy hit me with that spell, and everything just ended. I became the Key. It didn't even hurt." Dawn heard the faraway tone of her voice.
"I'm glad of that. It hurt when I died...both times. Of course, you didn't die...just turned back into energy."
Dawn choked back a sob, pressing her fingers against her lips. "It wasn't scary. It wasn't anything. I could have been like that for seconds or a century. I wouldn't be able to say. There was no sense of time or being. I was just nothing. Occasionally images flickering in my mind...if I even had a mind. You and Willow and Buffy and Xander and Giles. Angel, too, and Connor. But it was all disconnected. Since I've been back, I've been wondering if that's what Cordy felt like when she was a higher being. Of course, I can't ask her." Dawn paused, thinking about Cordy's death. "I wasn't a higher being, just a portal."
"You're not just a portal, and I know I don't have to tell you that," Spike said, his voice soft yet stern.
"I know, but when Amy activated that Key part of me, that was all I was, Spike, energy, a portal, and we still don't know which dimension I opened other than it wasn't Glory's realm because the timing was wrong, and it's not Quor-Toth since there aren't any portals there."
"Giles said he thought it might be Underhill," Spike said. "Of course, he didn't know that when he sent me to Florida to look for that interdimensional book of tricks, or Angel after that woman who closed the rip Connor tore between dimensions back when he first arrived."
"I'm just lucky she was able to get us all back." Dawn rubbed her eyes. It hadn't been fast enough. She was fine, but wherever it was her friends had been shunted into, time moved differently. Why couldn't it have been like Pylea, and then at least Willow could have had her daughter back. No, it had to be like Quor-Toth, years going by for weeks on earth.
"At least the bitch got hers," Spike said, going for the fourth round.
Dawn watched him thinking about what he said. She hadn't known at the time that anything had happened. One minute she was and the next she was nothing, spread out through the interdimensional fabric. When they had retrieved her, she learned that Kennedy and the baby had been shoved through the portal she had opened and closed behind them. Connor had tried to pull Kennedy back, and, failing that, threw Amy in after them. Dawn had closed the portal - or something made her do it, she didn't know. She had no recollection of it - leaving Connor to be the one to tell Willow and Giles what happened.
She gulped down the beer, trying to banish the image of Kennedy, Amy and Cally as they were now.
"Easy, luv. If you get pissed up, you'll get sick on me."
Dawn figured that was a given. She was plastered. Her lips were numb, and she felt like going face down on the table. "This is the last one."
"I just wish I could do more, you know," Spike said softly.
"You are. You're looking for that book. It's important."
Spike waved her off. "It was important when you were gone. Now, it's not. I wish I could do something to make Red feel better and Rupert."
Dawn shook her head. "You can't. No one can. Angel and Connor are trying. That's all they do. I never see Connor anymore. He spends so much time with Cally and Willow."
Spike gave her a suspicious look. "Is that why you're here?"
"That'd be petty of me now wouldn't it?" she snapped, and then pulled her fingers through her hair. "Sorry, Spike. I'm here because I need time to be alone. I did a little alone in New York, but that was too much aloneness. I thought, they still have you here so why not help. I trust you're not going to keep babying me because of what happened. Amy made me into nothing. I have to deal with that, and I can't if people keep treating me like glass."
"Have I done that?" Spike cocked an eyebrow at her.
"No, you're getting me drunk and I appreciate that. Poor Connor, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to act around me. Maybe that's why he's spending so much time with Cally." Tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes.
"Don't you think he feels like he knows what Cally's been through? They both get sucked into a hell dimension as a crib rat and come back as an adult."
"Cally is nearly as old as her own mother, Spike. A decade there for every week here. Kennedy and Amy are like nearly fifty." Dawn remembered seeing them for the first time. The alcohol refused to kill the memory. Kennedy with nearly white hair, Amy walking with a limp from a badly healed leg and Cally, a beautiful woman in her late twenties, self- assured blue eyes, tall, long red hair and a beautiful body, a perfect blend of Willow and Giles. That led her to the ugly memory of when they learned the anonymous donor for Willow's baby was Giles. Buffy and Dawn had suspected Xander until Kennedy blurted it out during a vicious spat with Willow. Xander was left feeling like he was too stupid for Willow to consider as a dad.
"I know, Li'l Bit. We got you back, but it'll never be like it was." Spike finished his drink. "It really dredged stuff up between Connor and Angel, brought them closer if you can imagine that."
"I didn't notice...I just couldn't be there, you know." Dawn sobbed loudly and saw people were looking at her. "Take me back to my hotel, Spike."
He put his arm around her and led her out. He tried to pull her close, comfortingly, but she wouldn't let him. He drove back in near silence and she almost wished he would say something to take her mind off the spinning in her head. He walked her up onto the porch of the Cassadaga hotel and she suddenly hugged him.
"Thank you for not pressuring me, Spike," she said, and then kissed him roughly. She buried her hands in his hair, not letting him escape, trying to devour him.
He eased her away. "Whoa, Dawn. You're in all the wrong state of mind to be doing this."
"Says you. How can you not know I used to be so in love with you?" She tried to kiss him again but Spike danced back.
"Let's get you inside." Spike stammered out, looking stunned.
Dawn shoved him. "Leave me alone."
She fled inside, thundering past the ghost in the first floor hallway and into her little room off the veranda. How could she have told Spike she loved him? Worse, what if she really did? She barely made it into the bathroom before most of the beer made a return visit. Feeling horrible, and not just because of the booze, she collapsed into bed and wept.
