Black Pearl
(Crystal is down below in the crew's quarters' with Will, dabbing his forehead with a cool cloth. He has a nasty gash from where he hit his head)
CRYSTAL: Sorry about that, Will.
WILL: Sure you are.
CRYSTAL: I thought you were asleep!
WILL: I've been awake for a while.
CRYSTAL: What?! (she has been mumbling about how much she loves him the whole time)
(the Mel's come down to see if Crystal needs anything, and have also brought her and Will supper)
CRYSTAL: Yeah, some rum.
MEL D.: Yup. (she goes to get the rum)
MEL H.: Will, you up to eating?
WILL: Depends on who cooked.
MEL H.: Me and Mel D.
WILL: Still depends.
CRYSTAL: (already eating) Mmph 's good!
WILL : (slightly suspicious)
MEL H.: Oh come on Will. We already knocked you out once! What makes you think we'll do it
again?
WILL: (contemplates) Well, alright.
MEL H.: (grins and helps him sit up) Here. (hands him the plate)
(it's just some meat and gravy with biscuits, since that's the only stuff decent the Mel's could find)
WILL: (takes a small bite) Very good.
MEL H.: (brightens)
(Mel D. comes down with a big bottle of rum and four shot glasses)
CRYSTAL: (finished eating and picks up the cloth she was using for Will) I meant that for the cut
on his head, but he's probably thirsty too.
MEL H.: Hey Mel, he likes our food!
MEL D.: (to Will) Really?
WILL: (almost finished) Yes.
MEL D.: Awesome! Mel H. cooked the meat, I made the biscuits and gravy.
MEL H.: That's because Mel D. can't cook meat right.
MEL D.: Well you'd burn the gravy!
MEL H.: I would not!
MEL D.: Gravy burner!.
WILL: Ladies, ladies! Please don't argue! It's all very good.
CRYSTAL: (dumps some rum on the cloth) Okay Will, this is gonna sting.
WILL: I know.
(Crystal presses the cloth to his cut and he winces)
MEL H.: Well I'm gonna go see if Ana will teach me how to sword fight.
MEL D.: I'm gonna go see what Jack's up to.
(the Mel's leave)
WILL: (sighs) Crystal, why?
CRYSTAL: (drinking) Why what?
WILL: Why did you kidnap me?
CRYSTAL: Why not?
WILL: But—
CRYSTAL: Let's play a drinking game!
WILL: What?
(Crystal throws him a shot glass and Will ducks. The glass shatters against the wall)
CRYSTAL: (under breath) Clumsy... (throws him another and this time he catches it) Okay, the
game is whoever knows the most about Orlando Bloom. (she's slightly drunk, so
she's forgotten that Will has no idea who Orlando Bloom is)
WILL: Orlando who?
CRYSTAL: What do you mean "Orlando who"?! He's only the hottest, gorgeousest, sexiest
human being alive!
WILL: Oh boy.
On deck
(Jack and Mel D. are at the helm talking)
JACK: ... and then they made me their chief. Fantastic people really. But a little odd. Obsessed
with raisins. Humiliated grapes, really. And eunuch's, every one of 'em!
MEL D.: Fascinating. (ever since watching the movie, she's always wanted to know the history
behind that story)
A.N.: But then again, I didn't really make on up to go with it, did I? He he! You're all still left in
the dark!
JACK: Hey luv?
MEL D.: Hmm?
JACK: Where are you from, really?
MEL D.: (sighs) It's complicated.
JACK: Isn't everythin'?
MEL D.: (shakes head) Too long to explain.
JACK: We've got time.
MEL D.: Alright. (tells him everything)
JACK: (stays silent for a while, then speaks) So yer from... the future?
MEL D.: Yep.
JACK: (whispers) Tha's very interesting. (takes on a thoughtful expression)
MEL D.: (recognizes the look) Jack, what are you thinking?
JACK: Hmm? Oh nothin' luv. Nothin' a'tal.
The galley
(Anamaria is teaching Mel H. how to use a cutlass)
ANAMARIA: (swipes at Mel H. with a surprise attack)
MEL H.: Ahh! (drops the sword and covers her face, falling onto her back)
ANAMARIA: (laughs) No lass, yer not supposed to do that! Something like that will get ye killed
in a real fight. (helps her up and hands her the sword)
MEL H.: (blushes, embarrassed, and takes the sword)
ANAMARIA: I'll go slower this time. Now watch. (goes back through the routine) And then you
parry my blow. Try it.
MEL H.: (parries)
ANAMARIA: Good! Now watch this. (tries another move and Mel H. parries that) Okay, no I'm
going to the regular speed.
(she does and Mel parries it)
ANAMARIA: Good!
MEL H.: I'm getting it!
ANAMARIA: Ye'll be able to defend yerself in no time, lass!
Tortuga
(it's been three days and they've finally reached Tortuga. Will is thinking about forgiving Crystal for kidnapping him, Mel H. is more hyper than usual at the thought of meeting Jon-Michael, and Mel D. and Jack are much closer Yay!)
JACK: (to the crew) Will, the lasses and I are to go ashore. Business to attend to. Ye all are
free ta do what ye wish, but are to be back on the Pearl at 9:00 a.m. sharp or we be
leavin' without ye!
CREW: Aye, sir!
JACK: Excellent!
(the girls and guys go into the town)
JACK: (stops in the center of the town square, inhales deeply) I tell ya mates, tis a sad life that
has never breathed deep the sweet, poliferous bouquet that is Tortuga, savvy?
WILL: (sarcastically) It'll linger.
(Mel D. and Jack are holding hands. A red-headed whore sees this and storms up to him)
JACK: Scarlett!
SCARLETT: (slaps him and storms away)
JACK: Not sure I deserved that.
(a blonde is now standing in front of him)
JACK: Giselle.
GISELLE: 'ho's she? (referring to Mel D.)
JACK: What? (she slaps him and storms away) I did not deserve that.
(the girls and Will are laughing at him)
A.N.: This sound familiar? lol
JACK: Twas not funny.
MEL D.: Yes it was! (laughing hysterically) But it's okay, I still love you. (hugs him)
JACK: Oh so ye love me now?
MEL D.: (startled, realizing what she said) Uh...
WILL: I thought you didn't love anybody?
MEL D.: Well I guess I do now.
JACK: I don't 'afta say it back, do I?
MEL D.: (sighs) No Jack, you don't have to say it back right now.
MEL H.: I don't think the word 'love' in Jack's vocabulary.
(all the sudden a Jack look-a-like is there, and he punches Jack)
MEL D.: Now he really didn't deserve that!
(Jack is on the ground, holding his dizzy head)
MEL H.: Are you Jon-Michael?
JON-MICHAEL: (staring at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed)
MEL D.: (helping Jack up, sees Jon looking at Mel H. like he just saw his first ship. Giggles)
MEL H.: What're you staring at? Do I have something on my face?
A.N.: About the ship thing, ship's are referred to as 'she/her' and I'm not being disgusting! It goes
along with the phrase, 'he was staring at her like he just saw his first Trans Am.' Don't know
where I heard that before...
JACK: Jon, wha' the 'ell was tha' fer?!
JON-MICHAEL: Ye left without me!
JACK: Ye were too bloody drunk ta function properly! I told ya the night before we left 'do not
get pi drunk' and wha' do ye do?! Ye get pi drunk!
JON-MICHAEL: But yer me brother! Brothers' stick together!
MEL H.: Yeah Jack, how could you?
JACK: Oh shut up!
MEL D.: Don't tell my best friend to shut up!
MEL H.: Yeah!
MEL D.: Oh shut up! If it had been the other way around, Jon would have left Jack!
CRYSTAL: Everybody shut up! God I am sick of this!
WILL: Uh, let's go to the tavern now, shall we?
JACK: Right! Rum! (heads toward The Faithful Bride)
The Faithful Bride
(this tavern has a sign hanging over the door that has a bride in shackles, hence, The Faithful Bride)
JACK: (picks a table near the back) This is the best tavern ye'll ever find in Tortuga!
MEL D.: (looking around) The best?
JACK: The most decent.
(a barmaid comes up and asks them what they want to drink)
JACK: Six pints o' rum!
(she goes to get the rum)
CRYSTAL: (whispers to Mel H.) Yo Mel, I think Jon-Michael like you!
MEL H.: Well he is pretty hott!
MEL D.: Ooh! Melly H. has a b/f!
JON-MICHAEL: So how was the wedding? (to Jack)
WILL: I wouldn't know.
JON-MICHAEL: Huh?
JACK: He be the groom. An' tha' lass over there- (points to Crystal)- with the help o' her friends
–(points to the Mel's)- kidnapped him during the ceremony.
WILL: You helped them, Jack!
JACK: Aye? (meaning, 'And yer point bein'?')
WILL : The navy will be looking for me.
CRYSTAL: No they won't.
WILL: Yes they will.
CRYSTAL: Well they'll never find you.
MEL H.: Uh, Crystal, I don't think that's very comforting to him right now.
CRYSTAL: Oh, right. (to Will) You'll always be in places where they'll never look.
MEL H.: (shakes her head)
JON-MICHAEL: So lasses, what be yer names?
JACK: Tha' be Crystal, Mel H. and Mel D. (points to each of them)
JON-MICHAEL: I think they can answer themselves, Jack.
MEL D.: Yeah!
JACK: (holds hands up) Sorry.
(Mel H. is now sitting next to Jon-Michael and they are talking)
JON-MICHAEL: So how long 'ave ye known Jack?
MEL H.: A few days.
JON-MICHAEL: An' he already bagged one o' yer friends?
MEL D.: Hey! There is no 'bagging' going on!
MEL H.: I don't think he meant it like that.
JACK: Actually he did.
MEL D.: (throws her mug at JM but he catches it)
JACK: Well what can ye expect, luv? We're pirates.
MEL D.: Perverted pirates.
JON-MICHAEL: (smiles) And proud of it!
MEL H.: (rolls her eyes) Hey, where'd Crystal and Will go?
Crystal & Will
(they are on their way back to the Pearl because they got bored listening to the others)
CRYSTAL: So Will are you really mad at me? You don't hate me or anything?
WILL: (sighs) No. I'm actually relieved.
CRYSTAL: You are?
WILL: Yes. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for marriage.
CRYSTAL: Cool.
WILL: So... (looks around) What should we do in the mean time?
CRYSTAL: (grins) Do you know how to play poker?
Faithful Bride
MEL D.: Jack play War with me.
JACK: I love War! (whips out a deck of cards) Prolly the best game 'sides poker! (deals)
MEL H.: I always thought it was boring.
JON-MICHAEL: Me too.
JACK: Cuz yer a eunuch.
MEL D.: Now what does War being boring have to do with Jon being a eunuch?
JACK: (shrugs) C'mon luv, play!
MEL D.: Okay!
JON-MICHAEL: Where are ye from?
MEL H.: Um...
MEL D.: It's okay Mel, Jack already knows, so go ahead.
MEL H.: We're from the future. 2004.
JON-MICHAEL: No way.
MEL H.: Yes way.
JON-MICAHEL: Ye can't be!
JACK: Actually they are.
MEL D.: War!
JACK: Bloody hell!
(they play out the War, Mel D. gets the cards)
MEL D.: Ye 'ave pretty lousy luck, mate.
JACK: Since when did ye begin ta talk like a pirate? (sarcastically)
MEL D.: Since now.
MEL H.: So you and your brother captain the Black Pearl together?
JACK: The only captain o' the Pearl is me!
MEL H.: I believe I was talking to Jon-Michael.
JON-MICHAEL: The Pearl be Jack's, I be the first mate.
MEL H.: What kind of captain strands his first mate in Tortuga?
MEL D.: He disobeyed the captain's orders.
JACK: Fer doin' tha' I should've made ye walk the plank! Be grateful I only left ye here!
MEL H.: But Jack he's your brother!
JACK: I be Captain Jack to ye, missy! And he may be me brother but I am his captain!
MEL D.: Okay Jack, calm down. Just play.
JACK: (grumbles about how 'no one bloody listens ta me' and 'bloody whelp brother')
MEL H.: Anyways... (glares at Jack) do you think we should be getting back to the ship?
JACK: Yep.
MEL D.: You're only saying that cuz you're losing!
JACK: Bloody women.
MEL D.: (laughs) I win!
JACK: I ain't playin' cards with ye anymore!
MEL D.: Crybaby.
MEL H.: (starts laughing) Crybaby!
MEL D.: (laughing)
MEL H.: Yeah, Johnny was so hott in that! I miss the purr.
MEL D.: Jack can you purr?
JACK: (purrs)
MEL D.: (giggles)
MEL H.: Jon-Michael can you purr?
JON-MICHAEL: (purrs)
MEL H.: (shivers and grins) Just like Johnny!
MEL D.: I think we should go back to the ship and get more acquainted with our men.
JON-MICHAEL: (to Mel H.) So soon, luv? (winks)
MEL D.: Not like that ya sick freak!
MEL H.: (giggles) He called me 'luv'!
JACK: (pouting)
MEL D.: Anyways let's go. Maybe Will and Crystal are there.
(they leave)
Black Pearl
(Crystal and Will are on deck talking)
CRYSTAL: God, I wonder where the others are.
WILL: Knowing Jack he probably got them lost.
CRYSTAL: Haha!
WILL: I've been wondering about you and your companions.
CRYSTAL: What about us?
WILL: Where do you come from?
CRYSTAL: Well it's kind of hard to believe, but we're from the future.
WILL: (blinks) The future.
CRYSTAL: Yep. 2004.
WILL: That's not possible.
CRYSTAL: Actually it is.
WILL: But—
(he is cut off by Mel H.)
MEL H.: There you two are! We've been looking all over the town for you!
CRYSTAL: Are you drunk?
MEL H.: Nope! Guess what?
CRYSTAL: What?
MEL H.: We're gonna play poker!
CRYSTAL: Cool! Will and I were gonna play but forgot.
(everyone goes into Jack's room. Jack sets up a table)
CRYSTAL: We should play strip poker.
WILL: Strip poker?
CRYSTAL: Every time you lose you have to take off a piece of your clothes.
A.N.: By they way, we are back in our old clothes.
MEL H.: (whispers to Crystal) But we have more articles of clothing than they do.
CRYSTAL: (whispers back) Exactly.
MEL D.: Dammit I forgot how to play!
JACK: I like the sound o' tha'!
MEL D.: Shut up!
CRYSTAL: Here I'll show you. (walks her through the steps)
MEL D.: Kay, I got it.
(they begin)
A half hour later...
(Will, the Mel's and Crystal are down to their underwears)
MEL D.: I hate this game.
JACK: 'Fraid I'll have ta disagree with ye on tha', luv.
MEL D.: Shut up.
CRYSTAL: (thinking) 'Naked Will!'
MEL H.: (thinking) 'Dam Jon-Michael for winning!'
MEL D.: (slams cards down) Damit I fold! I'm not taking my bra off!
MEL H.: Me too. (throws her cards down)
CRYSTAL: Ha! I still got my socks on!
MEL'S: Shut up, Crystal!
CRYSTAL: Fine!
WILL: Is four aces good?
(the remaining players throw their cards down)
REMAINING PLAYERS: Fold. (take off an article of clothing)
CRYSTAL: Okay now I quit.
(Jack and Jon-Michael are down to their pants and boots except for Will who is down to his pants)
A.N.: IDK if men wore underwear in this time!
WILL: I hope you know that I was only asking.
JACK: Ye bluffed us?
WILL: (grins)
JACK: Really 'ave rubbed off on ye, 'aven't I, lad? Getting' ta be just like Bootstrap!
JON-MICHAEL: (mutters) Bloody whelp.
CRYSTAL: Hey!
JACK: Well, seein' as we're all bored with the game, what say you we break out the rum?
CRYSTAL: Rum, goody!
MEL'S: (sing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!
(Jack breaks out the rum. Everyone gets drunk)
2 hours later...
(everyone is singing the pirate's song)
WILL: (passes out)
CRYSTAL: Dam. (passes out)
MEL D.: Haha! (hiccups and passes out)
JACK: Bloody Hell. (goes to his bed, lies down and goes to sleep)
JON-MICHAEL: So Mel it's just us alone now.
MEL H.: Uh-huh. (burps and passes out)
JON-MICHAEL: Fck. (looks around, he's the only one still up. Passes out)
Next morning
(everyone has killer hangovers)
MEL D.: Bloody cursed rum!
MEL H.: Never again.
CRYSTAL: Oh you know you will.
MEL'S: (sigh) Yeah.
JON-MICHAEL: I lasted longer 'an all o' ye!
JACK: I only went ta sleep because me girl was passed out!
JON-MICHAEL: Whatever.
WILL: Stop shouting!
CRYSTAL: They're not.
JACK: We need ta get ye drunk more often, William.
WILL: (holding head) No thank you.
JACK: Well after a while ye won't feel a thing.
GIBBS: (comes up) Captain there be a ship 'bout an hour away. Looks like a merchant ship, but...
JACK: Prepare the crew.
MEL D.: (sings) We pillage and plunder and rifle and loot!
CRYSTAL & MEL H.: Not now!
MEL D.: Fine, god!
CRSYTAL: I am Satan.
MEL H.: Yeah we know.
CRYSTAL: I am a child of the KORN!
MEL D.: KORN the band or corn the food?
CRYSTAL: The band!
MEL
D.: I am an Evanescent child.
WILL: You disappear in a fine vapor?
MEL D.: You really know your vocabulary.
MEL H.: I am a child of Grace.
MEL'S: (sing) I hate everything about you, why do I love you?
JON-MICHAEL: What kind of music is that?
MEL D.: Angry music. (cries) I want my Rock!
CRYSTAL: I want my KORN!
MEL H.: I wants it, I wants it. My precioussss!
GIRLS: Stupid fat hobbitses.
GUYS: (give them strange looks)
CRYSTAL: Merry!
MEL D.: Sam!
MEL H.: Gollum!
JACK: Who?
MEL H.: (singing) My milkshake brings the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours,
dam right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge!
MEL D.: No I hate that song! Ahh!
CRYSTAL: Fine then, sing your stupid songs! KORN rules them all!
MEL H.: Fine we will!
MEL D.: (sings) I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I am strong enough. Cuz I'm broken
when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away!
MEL H.: That's a great song.
MEL D.: Yah...mmm.. Shaun Morgan from Seether is so hott.
JACK: (jealous) Who?!
MEL H.: A singer that Mel used to like.
MEL D.: (sighs) Some feelings never die.
JACK: HEY! Who the 'ell 'er ye talkin' 'bout, woman?
MEL D.: Don't you 'woman' me!
CRYSTAL: Here we go.
JACK: I wanna know who yer talkin' 'bout!
MEL D.: You don't need to know!
JACK: Why not?!
MEL
D.: Because you'll never meet him!
CRYSTAL: Hey, look at me! (is swinging on a rope from the mast) Whee!
WILL: Crystal get down before you get hurt! (running after her)
MEL'S: (knowing Crystal and all the possibilities of danger, join Will) Crystal, stop!
CRYSTAL: Haha! Can't catch me! (swings off from the mast again)
JON-MICHAEL & JACK: (laughing)
MEL'S: Crystal get down!
CRYSTAL: (sticks tongue out) You all should try this! It's so mu— (rope snaps and Crystal falls,
landing on the deck) Ouch.
MEL H.: We told you.
CRYSTAL: Shut up. Oh, my butt.
MEL H.: Too bad it wasn't your head.
CRYSTAL: What?
MEL H.: Would've knocked some sense into you.
CRYSTAL: Neva!
MEL D.: Stop doing that! Johnny is not gay!
JACK: WHO?!
MEL D.: Johnny Depp.
MEL H.: Jack, do I sense a little jealousy? (turns to Mel D.) Your man is a little possessive.
MEL D.: I know and it's scary.
JACK: Well if ye'd quit talkin' 'bout other men!
MEL D.: What about all the women in your life before me?
CRYSTAL: They act like they're a fcking married couple.
MEL H.: Yah. (pauses) Maybe we should leave.
CRYSTAL: Yah.
(they all leave Mel D. and Jack to their argument)
Below deck
(Crystal and Jon-Michael are doing shots. Will and Mel H. are watching in fascination as the empty rum bottles keep piling up)
MEL H.: Dam Crystal, I didn't know you could drink like that.
CRYSTAL: (belches) I'm not as think as you drunk I am!
MEL H.: (Turns to Will) Oh, she's smashed.
WILL: 'Smashed'?
MEL H.: Blown-out drunk.
WILL: (eyes Crystal) I agree.
JON-MICHAEL: (slurred) You know I'm going to win!
CRYSTAL: Dare to dream!
JON-MICHAEL: Oh I'm doing both!
WILL: Did that make any sense?
MEL H.: Nope.
WILL: This is why I don't drink.
MEL H.: What? What is why you don't drink?
WILL: The way they're acting. Not knowing what they're saying and being foolish.
MEL H.: (laughs)
WILL: What?
MEL H.: You said 'foolish'.
WILL: What so funny about that?
MEL H.: Nevermind.
CRYSTAL: (slurring) C'mon Mikey, give up. You know you can't beat me!
JON-MICHAEL: I've been gulping like a fish a lo' longer'n ye, missy!
CRYSTAL: I could drink your overage a under the table any day!
JON-MICHAEL: Wanna go?!
CRYSTAL: Yah! Let's take this outside! Then we can take it outside outside, then we can take
it outside outside outside, then back inside!
JON-MICHAEL: How can we take it outside again if we're already outside?!
CRYSTAL: We're inside you dummy!
JON-MICHAEL: Then let's go outside!
CRYSTAL: Then back inside!
JON-MICHAEL: Then back outside!
CRYSTAL: Then back inside!
JON-MICHAEL: (stands up) Then back outside!
CRYSTAL: (stand up) Then—whoa... (passes out)
JON-MICHAEL: Ha! Told ye ye would lose! (passes out)
MEL H.: Wow.
WILL: That was... interesting.
MEL H.: Every day with Crystal is an adventure.
(Mel D. comes in)
MEL D.: Whoa... what happened?
MEL H.: They were doing shots, then JM said 'Wanna go?' and Crystal started in with her 'We'll
take this outside outside' speech.
MEL D.: One of those things where I had to be there?
MEL H.: Yep.
MEL D.: Enough said. (observes Crystal) No more booze for the Orli lover.
MEL H.: Yah, more for us.
MEL D.: Hey let's have a drinking game.
MEL H.: Yah! Will, wanna join?
WILL: I think I'll pass.
MEL D.: C'mon Will, it's fun!
WILL: Well...
30 minutes later...
(all three are pi drunk and laughing hysterically at nothing)
MEL H.: Ooooooh! Pretty colors!
MEL D.: (starts to sing) Weeee... pillage and plunder and rifle and loot!
WILL: (sings) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
MEL D.: (sings) We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot!
WILL: (sings) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!
BOTH: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!
MEL H.: (tying Jon-Michael to the bed w/rope. Giggles) All done!
MEL D.: What done?
MEL H.: I tied him to the bed, now he's stuck forever!
WILL: (laughs)
(Jack bursts in the room)
JACK; What the bloody 'ell'er ye'all doin' ta me room?!
MEL D.: (vaguely remembers their argument. Picks up a full bottle of rum and flings it at him)
(Jack quickly shuts the door so he doesn't get hit and the bottle smashes. He opens the door again)
JACK: Bloody 'ell woman, that was me good rum!
MEL D.: (picks up another bottle) I know I'm drunk Jack, but I also know I'm mad at you for some
reason soooo... you better leave a'fore I do something drastic! Like toss all the rum
overboard!
(Jack looks truly frightened by this threat and slams the door)
WILL: (shaking head) Perfectly good rum gone to waste.
MEL H.: I need to pass out. Jon-Michael, scoot over. (tries to push him over and realizes he's tied
to the bed) How the hell did you get tied to the bed?
MEL D.: Let's untie him. I need to pass out on something soft this time.
MEL H.: Okay.
(they try to untie him but end up making the knots even worse)
MEL H.: Oh fck. (passes out)
MEL D.: Yah. (passes out)
WILL: (goes into Jack's closet, thinking he was walking out the door) Oh. (goes back and passes
out in front of the door)
On deck
(it was a merchant ship that Gibbs spotted, and they raid it)
JACK: It's a rum ship! I've died and gone to Heaven!
MEL D.: Well I've died and gone to Hell!
JACK: Where did ye come from? And what did ye mean?
MEL D.: I'm having an out-of-body experience, and I'm here with you, aren't I?
JACK: That's an insult.
MEL D.: Naw!
(Jon-Michael stumbles out of the cabin and makes his way over to them)
JON-MICHAEL: What're we doin'?
MEL D.: Wouldn't you like to know!
JON-MICHAEL: What crawled up yer arse and died?
(Mel D. runs back into the cabin)
JACK: Women.
Cabin
MEL D.: Jack is such an ahole!
MEL H.: (cranky because of her hangover) Why?
MEL D.: You wanna know about our argument last night?
MEL H.: (under breath) Not really.
MEL D.: (didn't hear her) Well I'll tell ya! He basically told me I have no freedom now! No
freedom to go on my own, to look at other men, and he's even trying to pressure me into—
(Jack bursts in)
JACK: Mel we 'afta talk.
MEL D.: Go eat a monkey turd!
JACK: Captain's orders!
MEL D.: Like I fcking care!
(Mel H. has an empty rum bottle in hand. She winds up and throws it at Jack. It hits him in the stomach)
JACK: Dam it!
MEL H.: Jerk!
MEL D.: (laughing) That's what you get!
WILL: Stop yelling!
CRYSTAL: Before I take my foot to you're aes!
MEL D.: I want to got home!
JACK: Ye are home, luv.
MEL D.: Not with you! I want to go back to 2004, with my computer and CD player and family!
MEL H.: Yah!
CRYSTAL: NO!
(they stop and look at her)
CRYSTAL: The three of us have to talk.
MEL'S: Okay.
(they go to the galley and sit at the table in the center of the room)
CRYSTAL: Why go home?
MEL D.: Because Jack is just like every guy, all aholes. I though he was different but he's not.
CRYSTAL: So?
MEL D.: The only reason I'm here was to get Jack. But he's not the person I thought he was, so I
don't want to be here anymore.
MEL H.: I agree. I like Jon-Michael, but he's not the man I want.
CRYSTAL: Well you guys I found my man, okay?! Just because you want to leave because of
your stupid boyfriend's doesn't mean I want to!
MEL H.: We can't help how we feel. We know you're really into Will, and we can tell he's really
into you.
MEL D.: We can't stay here, but we can't leave you, either.
MEL H.: (quietly) I don't think we would be able to.
CRYSTAL: What?
MEL
D.: What do you mean?
MEL H.: Well when we first wished to be here, we did it together, and came right here. You and I
have both expressed our wishes to leave, but Crystal doesn't want to. I think this has to
be unanimous.
MEL D.: (puts head on table)
CRYSTAL: Well I can't help how I feel either, and I can't change it.
(silence)
MEL'S: We're sorry, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Me too, about your men.
MEL H.: What about Jack?
MEL D.: I don't think I can be with him, the way he's acted. (gets up) I'm going to go officially dump
him. (starts to leave)
(Jack, who has been listening on the stairs, quickly races back to his cabin)
JACK: (thinking sad thoughts) 'I didn't know I made her feel that way.'
Galley
CRYSTAL: So, you gonna break things off with Jon-Michael?
MEL H.: Yah, I better. (leaves to find him)
CRYSTAL: Well this vacation sucks.
Ship's bow
(Mel H. finds Jon-Michael here and begins to tell him she's dumping him)
JON-MICHAEL: But why?
MEL H.: Well, we can't all stay here forever, we'll have to go back to our time. And you're a great
guy and all, I just don't want to end up hurting you or getting too attached.
JON-MICHAEL: (sighs) I understand. I'll probably have another girl within the next few days
anyway.
MEL H.: I thought you'd say that. Anyways- (holds her hand out)- friends?
JON-MICHAEL: (shakes her hand and grins) Friends.
Crew's Quarters
(Will and Crystal are talking)
CRYSTAL: The Mel's are dumping Jack and JM.
WILL: Why?
CRYSTAL: Jack is starting to be too possessive of Mel D. and Mel H. doesn't like JM the way
she thought she did.
WILL: I need to talk to Jack.
CRYSTAL: Yeah he needs an a kickin'!
WILL: You love violence, don't you?
CRYSTAL: Oh hell yeah!
WILL: (laughs) You're so full of life, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Yah? Well you ain't lived till you learned how to do my seawalk! (gets up to do
seawalk but Will stops her)
WILL: Not now, there's something I want to talk to you about.
CRYSTAL: About what?
WILL: Please don't interrupt me until I'm done.
CRYSTAL: I'll think about it.
WILL: From the first time I saw Elizabeth, I thought she was the one. For years I loved her but
was too afraid to say it. Now when I think of her, I don't love her like I thought I did, she's
not the woman I thought she was. (takes Crystal's hand) But I knew right away with you,
it just took my heart too long to realize it.
CRYSTAL: (arches an eyebrow) Tryin' to tell me something, Will? Cuz you're acting all weird
and romantical.
WILL: (smiles) Crystal, I love you.
CRYSTAL: (speechless)
WILL: (frowns) What's the matter? Do you not—
CRYSTAL: Will, I love you! (jumps on him and they fall forwards, crashing into a bunk)
(upstairs, Jack and JM hear the noise from the helm, the Mel's hear from Jack's cabin. They all race down to see what happened. They find Crystal on top of Will, hugging the poop out of him)
JON-MICHAEL: What the hell?
CRYSTAL: We're getting married!
MEL'S: WHAT?!
CRYSTAL: I mean we're engaged!
JACK: Tha's the same thing!
CRYSTAL: I mean we're in love!
MEL H.: Whoo-hoo!
(She and Mel D. run over and jump on Crystal and Will)
MEL D.: Finally!
MEL H.: (hugs Will and Crystal) Congratulations!
CRYSTAL: Group hug!
WILL: (voice tight from being squeezed) I didn't know they came with the package.
CRYSTAL: What package?!
WILL: I don't know! One of those phrases that you told me!
JON-MICHAEL: (rolls eyes)
JACK: Bloody disgusting!
(they leave)
MEL D.: (calls after Jack) Yeah we know you are!
MEL H.: We're gonna celebrate! Girls night!
CRYSTAL: Yah!
MEL D.: Rum!
WILL: I'll leave you three to your party, then. (leaves)
MEL D.: Will one of you guys get the rum? I'm trying to avoid Jack.
MEL H.: Did you break up with him permanently?
MEL D.: No, I don't want to talk to him.
CRYSTAL: She still wants him.
MEL D.: No way!
CRYSTAL: If you didn't you two would be officially over by now.
MEL H.: She has a point.
MEL D.: Whatever!
(Crystal is getting up to get the rum)
CRYSTAL: You do, Mel. What did you guys fight about, anyway?
MEL D.: He turned into the possessive anus-hole boyfriend.
CRYSTAL: That's my word!
MEL D.: Fine!
MEL H.: Crystal just get the rum!
CRYSTAL: Fine! (leaves)
MEL H.: (points at Mel D.) You need to talk to Jack because you still love him and he still loves
you and you need to tell him he's being an ahole!
MEL D.: I know.
MEL H.: Huh? You're not going to argue?
MEL D.: No, because you're right. But I don't know how I can now that we've said so many nasty
things to each other.
MEL H.: Scare him.
MEL D.: What?
MEL H.: Tonight sneak into his room while he's sleeping and wake him up, like by breaking a bottle
of rum, or slamming the door, or jumping on him!
MEL D.: Oh, the good ol' days.
MEL H.: You mean the good ol' two weeks ago.
MEL D.: Whatever!
CRYSTAL: I've got rum!
(she's back with three bottles of it)
MEL H.: No glasses?
CRYSTAL: Oh I thought we could just drink straight from the bottle. (tosses one to her)
MEL D.: We could have a swigging game.
CRYSTAL: Good idea. (tosses her the other bottle, then uncorks hers and starts chugging)
MEL H.: (whispers) Let's have some fun with her! (grins evilly)
MEL D.: (grins back)
Later...
(Crystal is drunk and the Mel's have confused her into being tied to a chair)
CRYSTAL: I swear I did nothing! And whatever I did it's not my fault!
MEL H.: You drank all the rum, Crystal!
CRYSTAL: No I didn't!
MEL H.: Yes you did! Look. (holds up the three empty bottles) Jack's gonna be mad.
CRYSTAL: Oh no!
MEL D.: You'll probably have to walk the plank.
CRYSTAL: Will won't let him make me!
MEL D.: I don't know, no one's allowed to disobey the captain.
CRYSTAL: But—not—Oh this is just fcking great! I gotta get outta here! (tries to move and
can't) What the hell?!
MEL H.: We're in the middle of the ocean, where would you go?
CRYSTAL: Why am I tied up?! (looks at them) You did this! You're out to get me! You want to
get rid of me! Well it ain't that easy, btches! WILL! WILL HELP!!
(Will comes flying down and stops when he sees them)
WILL: What's going on?!
(the Mel's are on the ground, laughing so hard they can't breathe)
CRYSTAL: Will they tied me to a chair and told me I drank all of Jack's rum and how he's gonna
make me walk the plank and... and... well I don't wanna walk the plank!
MEL D.: (gasping) Must...have...air!
MEL H.: (gasping) Can't...breathe!...dying...
WILL: Crystal, they're playing a trick on you.
CRYSTAL: So I don't have to walk the plank?
WILL: (directs a pied look at the Mel's) No.
CRYSTAL: Why you little— (tries to go after them but is still tied to the chair) What the hell?!
WILL: Here. (goes to untie her)
(the Mel's are backing toward the entrance)
MEL H.: We're just gonna go um... hide now!
(they run up the stairs)
CRYSTAL: Oh they're going to get it!
(as they run up the stairs they run in to Jack)
MEL D.: NO! (tries to go back but remembers Crystal's there) Sht I'm trapped!
JACK: Mel would ye just stay still fer five minutes!
MEL D.: (stands still)
JACK: Turn around!
(she does)
JACK: We hafta talk.
MEL H.: Yes you do.
JACK: Was I talkin' ta ye? No! I believe I was talkin' ta her!
MEL H.: Fine, god! (leaves)
MEL D.: Yeah. We do.
JACK: Then come on.
(they start to his room when Crystal yells up the stairs)
CRYSTAL: Oh Melissa's, I need to show you something!
MEL D.: Sht! (grabs Jack's hand and drags him into his cabin. Slams and locks the door)
JACK: Wha' was tha' all about?
MEL D.: Uh... nothing. We were supposed to talk, remember?
JACK: Yeah. (sits on his bed) Please sit.
(she pulls up a chair from his desk and sits across from him)
JACK: (sighs) Mel, I'm sorry.
MEL: (surprised) What?!
JACK: I am. I didn't realize how I was treatin' ye.
MEL: Are you serious?
JACK: Yes. I want you back.
MEL: We never really broke up, Jack.
JACK: Oh, well then I don't want ta lose ye. The only reason I acted the way I did is because o'
tha'. I love ye.
MEL: (grins and jumps on him)
JACK: Oof!
MEL: I love you, too! And I'm sorry for the way I treated you before, too.
JACK: So all's well?
MEL: Yep!
(kiss)
Bow
CRYSTAL: Mel H. I know you're here! Come out so I can kick your a!
MEL H.: (thinking) 'I ain't that stupid.' (she's hiding behind a pile of equipment)
CRYSTAL: I'll find both of you, and then you're aes is grasses!
MEL H.: (thinking) 'WTF? Your aes is grasses? OMG!'
CRYSTAL: Sword fight to the death!
MEL H.: (whispers) Now that I can do. (steps out) Crystal!
CRYSTAL: Mel! I want revenge!
MEL H.: Get the swords.
(Anamaria and Jon-Michael appear)
JON-MICHAEL: Here, Mel! (throws her his sword)
MEL H.: (Catches it) Thanks.
(Anamaria tosses her sword to Crystal)
CRYSTAL: En guarde!
(they fight. All the sudden there is an explosion that rocks the ship)
ANAMARIA: What the hell?!
JON-MICHAEL: (takes out his telescope, looks through it) Dam! A rival ship. I'll get Jack!
(runs to warn Jack)
ANAMARIA: All hands on deck! Prepare fer battle!
(the crew set up their cannons and load their guns and prepare to fight)
Captain's cabin
(JM bursts in on Jack and Mel D., who felt the explosion and are preparing to also fight)
JON-MICHAEL: Better hurry, Captain. They're comin' up fast.
JACK: Aye. (straps on final weapon) Mel, stay in here.
MEL D.: What?! Now way, I'm helping!
JACK: No! I don't want ye hurt. Jon, bring in the other two.
JON-MICHAEL: Aye, sir. (goes to get Mel H. and Crystal)
MEL D.: No Jack, I'm not gonna sit in here and do nothing while we're being attacked.
JACK: Please Mel, just stay. Fer me.
MEL D.: (sighs) Fine.
(Jack smiles and leaves, and Crystal and Mel H. are pushed in by Jon-Michael)
CRYSTAL: Get your dam hands off me! Don't put me in here! I can fight!
MEL H.: Damit this ain't right!
JON-MICHAEL: Sorry ladies, but it's fer yer own good. (shuts door)
MEL H.: (beats on door) No! We will not be shut in here like helplees females! I wanna fight!
(opens door. A mean-looking pirate is there, and he's not part of the crew! She slams the
door) Okay, I'll stay in here!
(the pirate starts to
beat on the door)
PIRATE: Arr!
(Mel D. and Crystal are pushing Jack's desk over to the door. Mel H. moves out of the way as they shove it over, then they all go to the bed and try to push it toward the door)
CRYSTAL: C'mon guys, put some muscle into it!
MEL'S: We are!
(all the sudden a shout is heard from outside, louder than the rest)
MEL D.: That sounds like Jack! (runs to the door and begins to pull the desk away)
MEL H.: No Mel!
MEL D.: I have a dagger! (whips out a bone-handled blade)
CRYSTAL: Mel stop!
MEL D.: I can take him! (pulls desk away and opens the door. The pirate grins and starts into the
room. She stabs him and runs out)
(Crystal and Mel H. step over the fallen pirate and go after Mel D. Another pirate charges for them. They draw their cutlasses and cut his arms off as he gets close. He falls to the ground screaming)
CRYSTAL: Hell yeah!
MEL D.: (sees Jack and Will fending off three big pirates, Jack is favoring his left leg) Jack! (she
runs to him, followed by Mel H. and Crystal)
(a pirate stabs Will's arm)
CRYSTAL: Will!
(they are behind the men now, weapons drawn, ready to fight)
MEL D.: You can't take my man! (grabs Jack)
CRYSTAL: Yeah! (grabs Will)
JACK: Mel?!
WILL: Crystal?!
MEL H.: Mommy! (grabs Mel D. and Crystal)
(two more big pirates join the other three)
GIRLS: I want my Mommy!
(everything suddenly goes black)
Mel D.'s room
(the girls are back on Mel D.'s couch in her room, everything the same as when they left)
MEL D.: Are we... home?
MEL H.: (looks around) Did we even leave?
(Crystal is mad and crying)
CRYSTAL: Damit! I finally had Will and then dam Father Time decided to bring us back!
(all the sudden there is a noise from behind the couch. They look at each other, then peek over the top)
CRYSTAL: Holy sht!
JACK: Where the hell are we?
WILL: I don't know.
(the girls look at each other)
MEL H.: Uh-oh.
(ending music for POTC starts! Ha ha, j/k!)
THE END
Well I hope whoever read this had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! I thought it was too long at first that's why it's cut in half because it originally didn't have any chapters. Thanks!
