Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Don't want to own them either, just want Jorja and George to play Sara and Nick. I also don't own the sentence: "It's the state I'm in I can't be good to anyone else like this". I changed the sentence a bit, but it still is owned by Sarah Mclachlan and it is part of the song "To have and to hold".

A/N: Thanks for the reviews for "The evidence never lies". They encourage me to write more. I started writing this story when I heard we will find out something out of Sara's past in season 5. I have some ideas what it could be, but I'm actually hoping it is something totally different than the obvious, so I didn't get into what it is in my story. I'm just describing her feelings when it comes out and of course I had to include Nick as well:-) Oh and you may think her words about her co-workers are really harsh, but don't forget she is really upset and when you are upset you say things you don't mean.

Pairing: N/S


Sara's past

She looked at them in disbelief. They were watching her intently, looking quite shocked. Expecting some kind of explanation. An explanation she couldn't give them and wasn't going to give them. She slowly got up, contemplating what the fastest way to the door of the break room was when Grissom put his hand on her arm. She pulled her arm back quickly. He looked hurt. It was always about him, even at this moment when her whole life was displayed in front of them, he wanted to be the center of attention and without realizing it she played along. It was a game they had been playing a long time and it had become her second nature.

"Don't."

"Sara, I think we need to talk. Let's go to my office."

"Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to get into my personal life? I thought it was the last thing you wanted to do, get personal with me."

She figured any way to the door was faster than just standing there talking to them. She made a beeline to the door, leaving them behind in a state of shock. She wanted to be alone. Alone she was at her best until she came to Vegas. She had let them enter her life some more than others but still. And now they knew and she didn't want them to know. She didn't want their pity. She just wanted to be Sara. Sara with her rules and regulations, no explanations needed. She was who she was. No your past makes you who you are today or you wouldn't be who you are today when it hadn't happened. God, she hated when people said that.

Nick walked into the break room. Totally unaware what had transpired there just a couple of minutes before.

"What's with the grave faces? Did someone die?" He said smiling at them, but when no one returned his smile he started to get worried.

"Where is Sara?" he asked tentatively.

Grissom was surprised by the emotions displayed on Nick's face. He had to wonder how close Nick and Sara really were. He had heard Warrick joking that Sara and Nick were joined at the hip, but he never thought anything of it. Until now. He immediately felt guilty about the feelings he was having. Now was not the time to have them.

"She is okay Nick. I think you better sit down and hear us out." Catherine softly said pulling a chair in front of her where Nick could sit down.

After Catherine had finished her story Nick got up rushing out of the break room. He didn't know what to do and what to feel. He was angry with her knowing it was totally uncalled for. They had shared so much and she never cared to tell him this. But on the other hand he just wanted to go to her and hold her tightly. Telling her he would make things better. That she didn't have to go through this alone. He was confused. Confused about his own feelings. He had to get some air.

Walking towards the parking lot he saw her sitting on the pavement. When she saw him coming near her. She got up. She knew he would have heard all about it from the others and she couldn't face him, especially him. He was the one who could read her soul and she had done such a good job hiding it and now he knew. She wasn't sure how he would be feeling. She betrayed their friendship and that hurt her even more than the knowledge that her secret was public knowledge now. He would want to have an explanation. An explanation she couldn't give him.

"Don't walk away from me," she heard him say. She turned around to face him, but she wasn't able to read his face.

"I can't do this right now. I can't face them and.........."

"You can't face me?" He grabbed her arm, so she couldn't walk away.

"You don't understand. I don't want their pity." she said getting desperate. She wanted to get away so badly.

"They are worried about you, Sar. It explains so much..."

This ticked her off.

"It doesn't explain a thing. Worried, a little hypocritical, isn't it? Catherine never liked me. She never took the time to get to know me and now all of sudden she thinks she knows me, because of this. She told Grissom he should be harder on me, did you know that? And there is Warrick. He is my friend alright, but he thinks I will stab him in the back when I get the opportunity. Don't get me started on Grissom. Years have gone by and he has only pushed me away further. Everyone seems to think we have this special connection. How wrong are they. I haven't had a civil conversation with him for months now."

Nick looked at her a little taken aback from the harsh words coming out of her mouth. He knew she was upset, but she wasn't being fair.

"What about me, Sar?" He asked her staring at her intently. "Am I a hypocrite as well?"

"Oh God Nick, please don't do this. I'm warning you, you do not want to go there now."

He knew she was serious, but letting her go now probably meant he would never get another chance to get things in the open.

"Why not, Sara? Now is a better time than ever."

She tried to struggle out of his grasp, not knowing how to respond to his inquisition, but he tightened his grip.

"You are hurting me." The look in her eyes shocked him, she actually looked scared of him. He immediately loosened his grip, starting to rub her arms up and down. He realized he was giving her the opportunity to get away, but to his surprise she stayed where she was.

"It shouldn't have mattered. What happened shouldn't matter. Their opinion of me and their behavior towards me shouldn't change because they know what happened to me. If they didn't like me before why should they adjust their opinion?"

"Where does that leave us?" he responded. "I thought our relationship was based on trust." He knew he was walking on thin ice trying to touch the subject of their relationship, but he really wanted to know from her what was going on between them.

She was starting to get exasperated all over again. "Trust, Nick? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

He hadn't expected her answer and just looked at her hurt etched on his face.

"What's wrong Nick? You expect me to trust you, to tell you what happened and at the same time you are holding back yourself."

She knew she had pushed him too far, but she didn't care. She had warned him, but any feeling of satisfaction over the fact she made him feel the way she was feeling immediately left her body when he tightened his grip again. His jaw tightened and tears were visible in his eyes. Before she knew it he was telling her his story, every horrific detail included.

When he finished he stared at her. The loving look he used to have when he looked at her had made place for a cold look. She just stood there nailed to the ground. Not knowing what to do. She felt sick. She wanted to run, but she couldn't instead she put her arms around his neck, pulling his face towards her. She kissed his face over and over again until he took charge and kissed her full on the lips.

When they broke apart she was relieved to see the cold look in his eyes had disappeared.

"Are you sure about this?"

"You?"

"I have always loved you, with or without your past."

"We have to slow the pace, we need to heal, the both of us. I don't want us to end up hating each other, because we rushed things. It's not that I don't love you but it's the state I'm in I can't be good to you like this. "

He cradled her face in his hands. "I have all the time in the world."


A/N: Please R&R:-) Just writing as much as I can now I still have the time.