Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters. If I did they'd probably having sex in every episode.
Author's Note: I know I said that this was mostly going to be about Hakkai and Gojyo, but this chapter just happens to be a lot about Sanzo and Goku. Much angst, much fluff. Lemons coming soon.
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Hold Me When It Rains
by: Neko-Kyolover
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I found happiness there...true happiness, but then I realized it was just a dream...a dream that faded away into nothing and when I awoke I shuddered to realize it wasn't true.
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It was dark, his eyes closed tightly shut to the world. It was cold, but he ignored his frequent shivering. His body would undoubtedly suffer from this abuse later, but he could care less right now. His heart was aching too much to think about what his body was going through. He just wanted it all to end and the rain to stop its endless pounding. Let the morning come and wash away his sorrows, plunge him back into a busy world where her memory could not haunt his soul.
He was not expecting anyone to come for him even though he desperately wished for it. He longed for someone to be here next to him so that he might show them his sorrow, but he knew no one even knew that he was out here. It was all just wishful thinking, hoping, hoping that would get him no where because there really was no hope for him. Hakkai the optimist...yeah...without any hope at all...How ironic...
He curled up tighter against himself under the flimsy shelter of the tree. He felt just so idiotic for leaving. Everyone else was snug and dry in their bed sleeping unaware of him out here making a fool of himself because no one was going to come. Hakkai slowly lifted one shaking wet hand to look at it.
"I love your hands...you have such beautiful fingers. Is it weird to describe a man as beautiful?"
"How could anyone ever love these hands again with so much blood on them." He heard himself say as he slowly lowered them.
Am I worth anything to anyone anymore? How can anyone love someone who is stained with so much blood. I don't deserve...anything that I have. I deserve whatever pain and loneliness befalls me because I am covered in sin. No matter what that sin can never be erased...never be forgotten. There is no one to forgive me or to cleanse my dirty soul. This is the way I will always be, sinned and dirty...stained and scarred. That is why no one loves me, no one can ever love me.
"All I wanted...was to be with you..." Hakkai murmured as he felt another sob rack his body as his head dropped to the ground as he let his ashamed tears fall freely to the earth. "All...all I wanted was you..."
And it was silent for a while...the silence stretching on forever with only the rain in the background with its never ceasing drumming. But then there was another sound that soon followed, one that Hakkai almost thought was just a dream. A voice...calling...calling his name.
Gojyo had now entered the forest at the edge of town and he was relieved at some reprieve from the endless pounding rain on his head. It had left him rather soaked, annoyed, and chilled. He was thoroughly pissed, but more than that he was increasingly worried. Hakkai was out here somewhere in this shit and he was probably going to make himself sick. He would always fuss over everyone else, but never make sure to see if he was doing ok.
"Hakkai! Hakkai!" he called out through the darkened brush hoping that he was somewhere nearby. Where was he?
Gojyo could almost feel that he was nearby. Then he saw him and Gojyo's heart nearly skipped a beat. He looked so...broken...so haunted. Gojyo had never seen him like that before and truth be told it kind of startled him. Gojyo felt his steps speed up and until he was running up to Hakkai's side. Kneeling down in the mud he was able to get a good view of Hakkai's tear-filled face.
Gojyo's eyes widened slightly. He had never really seen Hakkai cry before. No matter how depressed Hakkai had been he had never cried...never. "Hakkai? Hey man, are you alright?" Gojyo asked tentatively and laying a hand on his shoulder.
Hakkai stared at him for a moment before, struggling to regain his composure, but Gojyo could see the pain he was in. It was so terribly obvious.
"Oh...Gojyo.." Hakkai said softly as he tried to wipe away his tears with his shivering hands. Gojyo gently took one of his trembling hands in his own and stopped him.
"Here. Let me do that for you." He said incredibly softly as he brushed his fingertips against Hakkai's tear smeared cheek catching the droplets and wiping them swiftly away.
Hakkai stared at him with surprised and shamed eyes before he apologetically hung his head letting his brown bangs hide his eyes. "I'm sorry...for letting you see me like this..." Hakkai murmured as he tried to remove his hand that was still interlocked with Gojyo's. Gojyo held fast to his hand nonetheless.
"No." Gojyo insisted firmly as he lifted Hakkai's chin with his other hand to meet his emerald eyes and hold them steadfast. "It's about time you let me see your pain. I don't want you to have to hide it anymore." There was a bit of command in his voice, one that would not take no for an answer.
Hakkai gave a sudden jaded laugh. "I guess you really knew just how weak I was all along." Hakkai whispered as he let his body droop. He couldn't believe he was letting Gojyo see him like this. If it had been anyone but Gojyo he might have been able to bear it, but Gojyo...for some reason he just did not want Gojyo to see in such a weak state. He probably thought he was so pathetic and helpless, which he wouldn't deny that he was.
Much to Hakkai's surprise he suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap tightly around his body and then realization hit him. Gojyo was hugging him. Hakkai had never known Gojyo to be the one to openly display his affection or even have much affection for the other members of their group
"Gojyo...wh—what are you doing?" Hakkai exclaimed in surprise as he felt the soggy warmth of Gojyo's arms tightened. It was comforting and it was exactly what Hakkai had been waiting for these past few moments. Someone to hold him, someone to comfort him, but...Gojyo? Was Gojyo really the one he wanted?
"Everyone needs a hug now and then." Gojyo said with a smile as he brushed Hakkai's soggy strands of hair out of his face. Hakkai blushed and averted his eyes. This was definitely not the usual Gojyo.
"Well now. How about we get out of the damn rain and then we can talk about this back at the inn. How does that sound?" Gojyo suggested as he noticed Hakkai's increased shivering. Frankly, they were both soaked to the bone and if they stayed like this for much longer they could come down with something.
Hakkai nodded and made a little sound in his throat, unable to really say anything at all. Gojyo stood and lifted Hakkai's body along with him, slinging one of Hakkai's arms over his shoulder. Back through the rain and the muck they made their way, unaware of the two soaking pissed people still out in search for them.
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"Sannzzzo! I'm hungry." Goku moaned as they searched through the forest for the second time. It had been a couple hours since they had started searching and they were both very tired.
Sanzo was too weary for words so he simply brought out his paper fan and whacked Goku across the head again. They had been trudging through this damn woods for too long in his opinion and he was ready to sit down and get some sleep anywhere at this point.
They had now gotten themselves thoroughly lost in the dense foliage of the forest and Sanzo was quickly getting pissed. To add to their troubles a thick fog had started to settle after the rain began to wear away. It looked like they weren't going to get out of the forest till after the fog cleared up which it was in no hurry to do.
"Fuck, I can't see a thing in this damn fog. This is all your fault Goku!" Sanzo said as he whacked Goku yet again with his fan.
"OW! Can you quit doing that?!" Goku exclaimed as he rubbed his head. That had been the fifth time in a row in the past ten minutes. "It's not my fault we got lost. I'm the one following you!"
Sanzo took out another cigarette out of his pack and brought it to his lips. "We aren't going to get anywhere at this rate." He accused callously as he opened his lighter and quickly lit his cigarette.
"So what the fuck do we do?" Goku asked, starting to panic a little. The fog was really thick and it was kind of creeping him out. When Sanzo didn't answer him he bounced up to the monk and clung onto his arm. "What do we do? What do we do? Sanzo! SANZO!"
"Just shut up!" Sanzo growled as he shoved Goku roughly away. Did he always have to cling like that? It made him uncomfortable. And the other reason he was so agitated, other than the saru's friggin' annoying whining was that he really had no clue what they were supposed to do.
"Well Gojyo and Hakkai are somewhere out there...and that could be anywhere. I'm willing to bet that they can take care of themselves, so I suggest that we just find somewhere to rest and wait it out." Sanzo said finally after a few moments of nicotine induced thoughts. Boy did that stuff calm his nerves.
Goku and Sanzo trudged on for a few more minutes before Goku suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"What now?" Sanzo asked exasperated.
Goku squinted through the mist. "I think I see something. C'mon!" he yelled excitedly as he went romping ahead.
"Dumbass, get back here before you get lost!" Sanzo said running after him. It would be to easy for that idiot to get lost in this mist.
Just when Sanzo thought he had lost sight of the boy he came almost crashing into him as Goku stopped and pointed at a blurry object in the fog. "See. A cave!" Goku announced cheerily as though he were a puppy waiting for a treat.
Sanzo just glared at him before he went strutting ahead. "C'mon. I'm tired of staying in these damn soggy clothes."
Goku pouted but quickly bounced after Sanzo happily none-the-same. He wouldn't admit it, but he really didn't mind be stuck out, lost in this forest all alone with Sanzo.
The cave was relatively small, but not so small as to be cramped for the two companions. The main thing on Sanzo's mind was that it was dry and he was wet. That didn't suit well for him. There was no time lost in him stripping off his soggy robe and hanging it up to be dried.Goku watched him, his golden eyes widening. He had seen Sanzo many times in his tight black sleeveless shirt he always wore underneath his robes, but it didn't mean he didn't admire him every time. The way that Sanzo's smooth muscles were outlined in the skin tight cloth made him shudder involuntarily.
"What are you gaping at?" Sanzo asked as he sat down on the stone floor of the cave and made himself comfortable, well as comfortable as you could be on a stone floor that doesn't feel exactly comfy as a couch especially if you have a skinny butt like Sanzo's.
"Noth-Nothing!" Goku stuttered as he turned away with his cheeks flushed. Was he just checking out Sanzo?! Goku shook his head and quickly stripped down to just his jeans and his white t-shirt. His pants were wet, but he didn't feel exactly comfortable about walking around in his underwear with Sanzo watching him.
It was quite dark in the cave and Goku could barely make out anything, but shadows in the cave when he slowly moved further back to explore. It didn't go back very far and soon he grew bored a returned to Sanzo's side.
"Do you think they're ok?" Goku asked worriedly pulling on Sanzo's arm.
Sanzo huffed in annoyance. "Would you stop worrying. Of course they're fine. They're just idiots anyway. Besides you shouldn't care so much...you'll just get hurt." Those last words were quieter and it seemed as though Sanzo had been lost in particular thoughts when Goku had interrupted him.
"I can't help it if I care. They're our friends, Sanzo. Shouldn't you care about your friends?" Goku asked, his eyes somewhat betrayed by Sanzo's statement.
Sanzo let his cigarette drop down from his fingers and with his boot he squashed it into the ground. "No. You'll just get hurt that way." Sanzo said coldly as he turned away from the saru.
Goku felt somewhat crushed at his words. "Do...do you mean you don't care about me either?"
Sanzo paused for a moment, taken aback by his words. "I care for no one, but myself." He announced coldly even though he could already feel a pang in his heart. He knew that those words would hurt Goku, but he had still said them.
'I could have said nothing' he thought to himself in disgust. 'I could have just been silent...and it wouldn't have hurt him as much...but yet I had to keep on being the cold bastard that I am...'
Goku felt his heart crumple at those words and he turned away trying to hide his emotion from Sanzo. Undoubtedly it would only annoy him, so why bother telling Sanzo how he felt?
"Oh..." were the only words that slipped softly from his lips as his eyes filled with hurt. He knew that Sanzo didn't want to care for anyone, and even if he did he would never ever say that he did, but right now it hurt him to have it so bluntly shoved at his face.
"But even if you don't care for people...that doesn't stop them from caring about you..." Goku said frankly as he stood up and began to walk out the cave.
"Get your ass back here." He heard Sanzo's gruff voice command. When he didn't obey he felt a hand grab onto his and pull him back. Goku looked up surprised into violet eyes glaring intensely down at him. Before he knew what was happening Sanzo had his body pinned against the rock wall and his lips were pressing Goku's in a deep rough kiss.
Sanzo didn't know what the hell he was doing, but he blamed that damn saru for making him so confused. Why did he have to get so upset over what he said? They were just words. He just didn't want to admit how much Goku really did mean to him, not even to himself. So he had just acted with instinct and here he was kissing Goku.
Goku's heart began to beat wildly as he felt Sanzo's lips move on his own. Squirming in his grasp he gasped when the kiss finally ended. "What the hell?" Goku panted as he stared up at Sanzo his lips tingling.
Sanzo stared down at Goku his eyes filled with mixed emotions. "Why do you make me feel this way?" Sanzo asked gruffly as he closed the distance between them again and kissed him deeper, running his tongue along Goku's lips. Goku's mouth parted in surprise and Sanzo used this chance to slip his tongue into Goku's cavern. His hands were wandering, finding there way under the boy's thin white t-shirt and traveled up his toned muscled chest.
"Sanzo..." Goku moaned as those lips found their way down his neck with gentle licks and bites. "What are...you doing?" he asked breathlessly beginning to shudder. His whole body was tingling and he could feel Sanzo's hands burning on his bare skin.
"Shut up...Goku..." Sanzo said his breath tickling Goku's sensitive skin. With a rough tug he had stripped Goku of his shirt. He gazed down at Goku's dark form wishing there was more like so he could see that smooth tan skin that always caught his eye. Oh well, he could always feel it.
Goku's breath hitched as Sanzo's lips trailed down his neck and across his shoulder. Sanzo enjoyed the feeling of Goku's lithe form squirming against him trying to fight back the urges that he knew were surging through the boy's body right now. With a grin his hand began to trail to the buckle of his pants.
Goku's head was spinning. What was Sanzo doing to him? His whole body was flushing and this feeling. It was...It felt...It felt like something he shouldn't be doing...especially not with Sanzo. And then the hand reaching, unclasping his pants...
"Sanzo...wait..." he whispered, his voice shaking. Sanzo's hand froze and he looked up at Goku's eyes shining in the darkness. There had been something in that voice, something that seemed so innocent and suddenly Sanzo felt so dirty.
"Go—ku" Sanzo said slowly as he backed up. What had he just been doing?
Goku hung his head and slowly reached for his shirt as though he was shamed. "It's not right...It's not right..." he mumbled as he pulled it on. Silently he turned to Sanzo with haunted eyes.
"It's not right...for you to touch me...I...I don't deserve you..." Goku said suddenly.
Sanzo's brow furrowed. "What the hell do you mean?"
Goku looked up at him, his eyes brimming with tears. "Because...you're my sun...my savior...everything I have...You were always there to save me...and I could never save you...and...and I love you!" he declared as he shut his eyes tight waiting for Sanzo to deny him...yell at him...hit him again with his paper fan...but the blow never came.
Slowly he opened his eyes to the most peculiar sight...Sanzo....Sanzo was crying.....
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To Be Continued....
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Author's Note: Please forgive me if you think that some of the characters are a little OOC. I couldn't resist. I'm portraying Goku as being pretty innocent because it makes it all the more sweeter. I was very close to just having them go at it, but I realized it's a little too soon in the story for that. Besides I wanted it to be sweet. Lots more of Hakkai and Gojyo in the next chapter. I promise.
Reviewer Response:
XZanayu: Thanks. I'm glad you like it!
Wilson: How else am I going to kept people reading it? Besides it's fun to be evil. lol.
KitsuneSkye203: I worked as fast as my lazy butt could take!
Aera-Chan: Hope you enjoyed this one too. They're be lots more angst because I like that...
Fleur-de-Lis: Here you go! 'nother chapter done. Hope it didn't leave you hanging....too much
Kat-chan: Thank yous Thank yous
Kiarra: I never forget about my fics!....I just....get really lazy....lol
Evayasha: Hope you thought that this chapter was just as good.
Thank you all who reviewed. Hope to hear from you again.
