Author's Note: Thanks everyone for waiting so long for me! Had a bit of a going-back-to-school writer's block. Now the first two weeks are over!!...and it's only just begun. T-T. I think I'll just go in a corner and cry.

It's Sept 11th. It's been what...three years since the incident? I didn't even remember till my friend told me. People so easily forget things, don't they? Sometimes we forget important things that should never be forgotten. It's such a shame that all those people who died will some day be nothing but numbers in a history textbook. When this generation dies and another one comes along they won't really understand so it will just all fade away into meaningless words that those who have never experienced such things won't understand.

I may be young...I might be ignorant...and I might be a little naive....but at least I understand this one thing...even though I get pissed at all the stupid things that happen in the US...even though I think all the people in politics these days are assholes...I know that this is my country and I'll never be able to call anywhere else my home for as long as I live.

And now.....Let's forget about all that....and move on to something that I can actually understand...........Saiyuki.....

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Hold Me When It Rains

by: Neko-Kyolover

Chapter Three: Broken

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I'm reaching for you, my hands outstretched, but never can I touch you. Inches from my fingers you linger...just out of my reach

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Goku looked up at him, his eyes brimming with tears. "Because...you're my sun...my savior...everything I have...You were always there to save me...and I could never save you...and...and I love you!" he declared as he shut his eyes tight waiting for Sanzo to deny him...yell at him...hit him again with his paper fan...but the blow never came.

Slowly he opened his eyes to the most peculiar sight...Sanzo....Sanzo was crying.....

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Goku's eyes widened as he reached out a hand to catch that single drop that had carved a path down Sanzo's pale cheek. "Sa—Sanzo?!" he asked stuttering. He couldn't believe what was right in front of him.

Sanzo looked at him with eyes that were haunted and empty. There was a slight grimace on his face, those lips trying to tighten into an angry scowl. Sanzo clenched his hand angrily at his side and turned his face away. "What did you say?" he hissed.

"I said I loved you...Sanzo." Goku said meekly. Did he upset Sanzo?

"Why would you love me?" Sanzo asked almost mockingly, but his heart was longing to hear the answer.

Goku clenched his hands and shuffled his feet nervously. "I thought it was obvious." Goku said quietly.

Sanzo huffed trying to regain his composure. He didn't know why he was so shaken up. It was just that no one....no one....had ever told him that they loved him before. "Just because you love me doesn't mean I'll love you back. It doesn't work like that." Sanzo said suddenly.

Goku's eyes fell down to his feet. "I know that...it's just that...I don't think that really matters. I think that as long as I can be near you...I'll be fine...I just want...to be with you. You're everything...the only one that was always there for me...I was so lonely and desperate...and then your hand reached down for me...and I felt like I was being reborn. Looking into your face that moment I could see something...something that I knew I would always admire and trust. I never want to betray that. I never want to betray you, Sanzo..."

His voice so pure...and so honest that it made Sanzo shiver. He felt his heart imbue with unwanted emotions and he gritted his teeth. Why did Goku always have such an affect on him?

"Don't you understand. I'm not going to be here forever. And if you stood in my way I would have to...I would...have to..." he tried to deny, but he couldn't hide it. Everything he was saying was just a lie because he was afraid...yes scared to accept Goku, afraid of getting hurt again. His heart had opened once and been torn apart. He had lost everything that was dear to him and that wasn't...wasn't...going to happen again.

His thoughts were cut short as he felt Goku press into his back, wrapping his arms around Sanzo's small waist. "Nothing matters....as long as you're here right now..." Goku confessed, pushing his face into Sanzo's back. Slowly Sanzo turned around in Goku's embrace so that he was facing him.

"How can you be so hopeful and optimistic? Can't you see how futile this all is?! How can you put your faith so blindly in something that will never last and will only wither away?! Don't you know that all you can get from me is pain?"

"I don't care. I'd rather live a life of pain than a life without you." Goku said looking up at Sanzo with big golden eyes on the verge of tears.

Sanzo felt the traces of a smile on his lips as he lifted one hand to brush against Goku's soft cheek. "You're the only one stupid enough to say such a thing." He said almost tenderly.

Goku smiled up at him, staring deep into those violet eyes that he loved so much. Sanzo gently moved his hand to the back of Goku's neck to lift him up so that his lips brushed against Goku's in the lightest of kisses. Goku felt his heart flutter at the feeling and he was limp within Sanzo's arms.

"We should probably get some rest." Sanzo said quietly. His fingers were still entwined into Goku's short locks, gently massaging his scalp.

Goku nodded his arms still around Sanzo, unwilling to let go. He enjoyed the physical contact between them. The sensation of Sanzo's skin against his own made him shiver with the sensuality of it all.

"Bakasaru...." Sanzo whispered quietly as he sat down and pulled Goku into his lap. Goku sighed as he curled up against him his eyelids closing as he leaned his head against Sanzo's chest. His soft heartbeats were Goku's lullaby as he slowly drifted to sleep in the arms of his beloved sun.

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"What were you doing out there." Gojyo asked softly.

They were now back in Hakkai's room, seated on his bed. Hakkai looked down at his feet, his sopping wet hair strewn around his eyes. "I don't...know.." Hakkai said as he flexed his hand. Gojyo couldn't see it, but he could... The blood was still there no matter what he did. It was still there...tormenting him.

"You can't just go around doing stuff like that...It really worries me..." Gojyo scorned softly. "You're not the type to do something so stupid." His hand gently rested on Hakkai's shoulder.

Hakkai was mute, absorbing his words bit by bit, his lips almost quivering. He shuddered when he felt Gojyo's hand on him. He didn't deserve comfort, yet here Gojyo was...trying to soothe him. But to what purpose? He could never erase what had happened, what he had let happen, what he couldn't prevent, Kanan's death. It really all was his fault. If he...if he had been home that day...or if he had reached her sooner...if he had just been able to do...something..

"It's because....I deserve to suffer....and this anguish...It makes me forget her...for a little while..." Hakkai said suddenly, his voice eerily calm.

Gojyo's eyes widened at that statement. His hand tightened on Hakkai's shoulder and he turned him to look straight into his eyes. "You don't deserve pain...What happened...you can't blame yourself for it..."

"No." Hakkai said forcefully, pushing away Gojyo's hands. "No, you're wrong. I should suffer so that no one else has to suffer again. I can't let anyone else be hurt so I must hurt myself."

Gojyo began to feel himself grow angered. Didn't Hakkai see that he was hurting him by acting this way, by being so cold. "No, it's you that's wrong, Hakkai. Can't you see you're hurting me by acting this way. Don't you see you're surrounded by people that care about you? Sanzo, though he might not act like it, cares for you a lot, and Goku he cares too. And me....Hakkai...I care a lot for you...I..."

He never finished because Hakkai interrupted him. "NO! Stop it! No one should care! No one!" He stood up, his body filled with sudden rage and turmoil. He wouldn't allow them to care so much because he deserved pain. He wanted pain. He wanted to be rejected because he knew it was what he deserved.

Gojyo couldn't stand this anymore. Hakkai...why did he always have to be so self-righteous? Didn't he see that he had nothing to gain from hurting himself, but more pain than was necessary?

"Hakkai...Listen to me...Damn it. Can't you see you're hurting me? Can't you tell it hurts when you don't open up to me? Can't you tell that I'm in love with you?!" Gojyo shouted rashly, the words slipping from his lips before he even realized what he was saying.

Hakkai's eyes widened and he froze. Love...Gojyo...loves me?

Gojyo chuckled lightly running his shaking hands through his magenta bangs. "Oops. I didn't mean to say that...but its true. I can't deny it. No matter what you say can reverse it. Hakkai, you mean a lot to me as a friend...and as something else..." Gojyo said, trying to be lighthearted, but he was worried that his confession would bother Hakkai. He wasn't sure if Hakkai saw him that way...as more than a friend. Gojyo stood up so that he was mere inches away from Hakkai, waiting for his answer.

Hakkai didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what he felt about Gojyo. I can't love again. I can't love because not only would I end up hurting myself, I'd probably end up hurting Gojyo. I don't want to put myself through that again. I swore...swore to never love again. So no...I can't accept your love. Besides...Gojyo's a guy. He's...he's not supposed to love me. Why does he love me? It's not right...It's not natural.

"No. Don't love me." Hakkai said quietly as his fingers tightened around Gojyo's wet jacket. He shuddered as Gojyo's arms encircled him. No. No. No. I want him to hold me, but I can't let him...but...hell...I want him to so bad.

"No matter what you say. I will love you. You can't change love just like that. Love is irreversible." Gojyo said softly as he felt Hakkai relax in his embrace.

"No...No...We can't be together..." Hakkai kept mumbling even as he leaned his head against Gojyo's chest and he closed his eyes.

"Who's stopping us?" Gojyo murmured gently. "Who's there to tell us no?...To tell us that it's wrong?"

Hakkai sighed and buried his face deep into Gojyo's wet shirt. He could smell Gojyo everywhere, that same scent that occupied him all the time. He breathed it in and sighed even as he tried not to enjoy this.

"Me..." Hakkai said finally looking up at Gojyo's face, tears in his eyes. "Because...No matter how much you love me you can never replace Kanan. I don't want to betray her memory. I promised my heart to her and...I cannot just forget that because you think you love me."

Gojyo's smile faded from his lips and his hands dropping to his sides. "So. You...you really loved her...didn't you?" He said softly trying not to break his cool composure. His fingers twitched at his side.

Hakkai nodded. "I...I don't want things to be different between us...please...don't let this change anything...we're still friends...aren't we?" Hakkai asked.

"Yeah. Best of friends." Gojyo said quietly.

It was then that he realized he could never be as good as her. That he could only be a replacement...a sham. He could never compare to the real thing....that he could never be good enough. In Hakkai's mind she was perfect...everything that he wanted...but now he was left with just Gojyo and he could understand how Hakkai felt....sort of...cheated.

As much as Gojyo wanted to deny it....he wasn't Hakkai's first love. He wasn't the one that one that was held dear in his heart. First love was something special, something that couldn't be repeated, couldn't be copied. He knew that Hakkai had already had his first love, but...but Hakkai was Gojyo's first love. Didn't that count for something? Gojyo had never really loved anyone before and now that he had...his first love was to be rejected?

Everyone has scars in their past, demons that linger in their souls trying to devour them, but with Hakkai it seemed that he lived those scars everyday. Everyday he held them dear to his heart, not forgetting, but trying to move on at the same time. It couldn't work like that, but somehow...Hakkai was doing it.

No one can survive very long, bearing the weight of someone else on their heart, but still Hakkai was doing it...and he was doing it damn well. Even if he did break down now and then...Hakkai....Hakkai was actually very strong. Even though he needed other people he still separated himself from everyone else to suffer in his pain alone. If Hakkai had been weak he would have long ago found comfort is someone new....or even have killed himself. But no, Hakkai had managed to live through the years, keeping up the charade, keeping his honor...and staying loyal. He was so devoted that it almost astonished Gojyo. How could one stand up to all that weight just for the sake of one person who long passed away? He must have really loved her....Kanan....

Gojyo shook his head and lowered his eyes to stare at his feet. So. Here he was. Sha Gojyo. Only wanting to be loved, but...unable to find it, unable to have it. It always lingered there....just out of his reach, but he was never really able to grasp it. Was he so wrong to care? Was it so wrong to seek comfort in others?

"I'm sorry Gojyo....I'm sorry for causing so much trouble for you...and for not—"Hakkai began but Gojyo interrupted him softly.

"Don't sweat it man...It's better...it's just better that we act like none of this ever happened...ne? Go back to things how they used to be..." Gojyo said cheerfully, but inside he could feel a sinking disappointment and a cold numb grow inside his heart. Nothing was ever going to be the same between them, and he knew it...but it was just better...better that they at least pretended they were.

"Yeah...." Hakkai agreed his voice faint as he turned to face the dark window. He caught the look of heartache on Gojyo's face in the reflection....and he knew....he really knew....that both of their hearts were both like that window, dark and cold to the touch, but easily broken. Fragile beings that reflected only what lay on the surface and hid the truth deep inside where it was locked away...forever.

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To Be Continued....

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Author's Note:

This chapter is coming from partial experience. I know what it feels like to be just a replacement for someone else, although it was a friendship, not anything romantic. It really sucks because I really wanted to be there for someone, but then I realized, just before I wrote this in fact, that I really could never be good enough. That the person I was trying to replace was irreplaceable and I felt really pathetic. You can't replace a lost best friend, it's a damn hard thing to do. I originally wrote some of Gojyo's words as my own and this story really means a lot to me now.

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Reviewer Responses:

Misora: Yes, I know what you mean! I can't stand reading stories that obviously haven't been spell-checked. It REALLY annoys me. Obviously your not putting a lot of effort into your stories if you don't take the time if you're getting things right!

Neechi: I'm afraid that I'm going to get even more lazy with school. Gah, the cursed evilness begins again.

Muse: Thanks for taking the time to review and thanks for the compliments!

AkuReiX: Another chapter...more angst...more complications...more fluff...lol. Hope you enjoyed.

Koryu-Sanzo: Well I just recently started this one...well...maybe it's been a couple weeks, but I've only updated it a couple times. I've been spending too much time reading fanfiction instead of actually writing!

The Princess: ...did I leave you just wanting more this time? I'll try to update soon for you anxious people...

Marron-chan1: Thank you. I'm really trying to put my heart into this story.

Crimson1: If you've ever seen Gravitation, Shuichi and Yuki were my inspiration for this scene. They're a lot like Sanzo and Goku.

Aera-Chan: Well, I'm sorry, but you'll gonna need some tissues before the end of this. I'm already starting to tear up just thinking about the evil things that I will be writing. Why do I do it?.....I don't really know.

XZanayu: Gomen nasai, this took me a while didn't it?

KitsuneSkye203: All good things must come to an end. It is a sad thing is it not? But luckily for you...the story still has more chapters ahead!

Schizo the Mentally Disturbed: Yes. Well I have two pictures of Sanzo crying. THERE'S PROOF! Muahahahhaha.. anyway...yes Sanzo doesn't seem like the person that'd cry, but everyone cries now again I guess.

Mato-ko: Wow. You're excitable. Thanks for your wonderfully cheerful review.

EvaYasha: I finally completed this chapter! You know I've been working on it for the last two weeks?