Wesker picked himself up off the floor and approached the slushi machine, looking it over carefully. In fact, it appeared that he was employing the most devious and scientific part of his evil brain. The slushi machine was indeed well protected, it would seem the owner of the gas station had dealt with vandals before. He would have to pull out his ultimate weapon.
"Please stand back, or I might accidentally kill and/or dismember you and as much fun as that would be, I'm trying to cut my evil acts down to three a day."
As our small group of survivors looked at each other like Wesker had lost his mind, he pulled a small photograph from his shirt pocket. It was none other than his nemesis, Chris Redfield in his most heroic posture. He then let out a low animal like growl and jumped a good ten feet into the air, ruining the station's roof in the process. Five minutes, and a bit of cussing later, he crashed into the slushi machine feet first. Red slushi flew everywhere, splattering his nice dry cleaned black combat outfit and everyone standing within three feet of what used to be the slushi machine. But the key was indeed recovered. Wesker quickly stuffed the picture back into his pocket, lest he accidentally see it again and go into another homicidal rage.
"Here" Wesker than handed the key to the McDonald kid.
He figured he'd done the hard job, let Mr. McDonalds deal with the key.
I mean really what did he need with some dumb key anyway, he was Albert Wesker! He could take on 300 zombies like it was nothing! But I digress…
Then of course, Wesker happened to catch his reflection in the remains of the Slushi machine...and that was pretty much the end of our fearless bio-weapon/treacherous bastard…
"Ahhh!!! I have slushi in my hair!!"
"Jesus Christ, his hair is messed up again. Ah, fuck it. He can deal with it himself." McDonalds mumbled, looking at the key.
It had a rather strange engraving, in big block letters…LOOK AT THE SIGN! McDonalds looked up and saw an arrow pointing to a big, metal door. And being the blonde that he is, he didn't get it and looked at the key again. After pondering this strange puzzle for several more minutes, while Wesker ran around the store looking for shampoo, he turned the key over and it had the words 'The key goes into the door, you dumb ass!' It suddenly hit him…hard…in the shape of a fist…
Wesker cleared his throat, picking up the picture of the hero wanna be he'd been staring at before literally going through the roof, and mumbled a half hearted apology for decking McDonalds. McDonalds wondered for a few seconds if Wesker might be gay but quickly turned to the matter at hand, lest his ADD kick in and he suddenly get preoccupied by yet another shiny object. He quickly herded everyone through the door and into a large white room with TVs lining the walls…and a guy that look a lot like Will Ferrell sitting in a large chair…
"This must be an Umbrella installation." Wesker mumbled, admiring the TVs.
His theory was based on previous experience with Umbrella facilities.
I mean this is the same company that makes you light fires under pictures and shove crystals into statues, just to use the bathroom.
Wesker quickly adjusted his hair, just as our strange friend started to speak.
"To your left is a door that will lead you to a walkthrough, but be warned! If you walk through this door, the story will be spoiled. To your right is the door that you came in from, if you go out there then you can forget this ever happened."
"Are you God?" Asked Mr. Pervert.
"No."
"Well, if your not God, then your Spencer." Said Wesker.
"Who's Spencer?" Replied the old man, now sweating and nervously looking back and forth.
"You are!" Shouted the idiot with the bowling ball.
"Shut up, tubby!" Snapped the old man.
"Go to hell!" From the idiot…
"Why don't you go to hell?!" Old man…
"Maybe I will!" Definitely from the idiot…
"No you... ARGH! He cussed me!" The old man then began to shake his head and mutter something about some guy named William doing the same thing and that's why he'd had to have him eliminated…or some such nonsense.
"Well, if your done with this bickering, then lets check out this walkthrough." Wesker sounded almost board.
"FINE, but you'll be sorry!" Shouted the old guy, waving his fist around wildly as they marched out the door to the left. "Don't let the doorknob hit your ass on the way out!"
The door clicked shut behind them, cutting off the old guy in mid-rant, and our intrepid survivors now appeared to have found a white hallway with several doors.
"Lets split up!"
Yup…ole Rebecca just isn't the sharpest tack in the box. The whole splitting up thing never works in horror stories of any kind. I mean really, didn't the little ditz remember what happened when the Bravo Team split up in the forest?? EVERYBODY DIED!! Hello!! Earth to little annoying ditzy woman! Billy and/or Chris are not here to save your skinny butt this time…but I digress…again…
So acting upon the advice of little Miss Medic they split up into two separate groups. Wesker and McDonalds together, heading right. While The Perv, Rebecca, and Mr. Bowling Ball headed to the left.
Several seconds passed in which there was various screams and squishy sounds cooing from the direction that the other group had gone. Not really wanting to know what had happened to their fellow survivors, Wesker and McDonalds speed up their pace. After at least another ten minutes of walking, they finally arrived at a large white door with a sign above it that read…OPEN ME!. McDonalds pulled on the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge. Wesker pulled on it and with veins popping and a red face it flung open, sending him flying 20 feet down the hall. McDonalds quickly waltzed though the door, snickering to himself. And once through the door, he found himself in a small area with a black woman sitting on a bench .
"I…am your walkthrough."
Meanwhile, Wesker quickly dusted himself off, scampered back down the hallway and through the now open door. He was just in time to hear the black chick proclaim herself The Walkthrough.
"So what now?" he asked in his board/evil voice.
"Don't get huffy with me sonny." she snapped.
"Look lady, I could punt you like a football."
"Yea right, you can't even kill Chris. Plus you get your ass handed to you by a girl later."
She snickered, Wesker scowled. It was turning into one of those days. After a few more growls and some mumbled obscenities, Wesker walked away to inspect the nearest port-a-potty. McDonalds then took this opportunity to question the oracle/walkthrough himself.
"Will I?" he asked.
"You will."
"How will I know?"
"You will know."
"When is it time?"
"You will know."
"Will they be good?"
"They…who the fuck are they?" The Walkthrough now looked thoroughly confused, at least she's on the same page as the readers.
"My cookies." The buzzer on the oven beeped and McDonalds opened it , exposing the chocolate greatness. "You want?"
"Yes...no…the doctor said to cut down on the sweets."
"Suit yourself." McDonalds shrugged, snacking on one of the cookies.
"I will now discuss my far superior knowledge about this story."
About this time, Wesker came back. Apparently, he didn't notice the toilet paper waving from the back of his pants. He sat down, and the Walkthrough started to talk.
"You will overcome obstacles, and they will be hard. What you must do is find the Key Maker. He works at the mall. That is all for now."
She got up and left. Wesker and McDonalds then proceeded to look at a map and discuss the best way to the mall. They got up and were about to go, when the shit hit the fan. That funky Matrix music started and they were surrounded by a group of people…Surviving STARS members.
"You take care of these people!" McDonalds yelled, and then took off like a rabbit on speed.
The McDonalds reject fled from the scene so fast Wesker thought he to might have had a shot of Birkin's wonderful virus. Which left him to deal with several Jill's, Chris's, Barry's, Rebecca's, and Brad's. Of course the Rebecca's didn't make much sense but hey, none of the rest of this story has made any sense, why should that?
Wesker cracked his knuckles, dropping his sunglasses to the ground in a very dramatic way as the music peaked. The Brads attacked first but were quickly defeated by the mere scowl Wesker shot them, while laughing evilly. In fact each of them fell to the ground in a fetal position and proceeded to suck on their thumbs, while crying for their mommies.
The Barry's were next. However in some twist of fate, or perhaps just a bad plot hole, they stopped their charge and kneeled down to stare at a puddle of soda.
Wesker crossed his arms, yawning with boredom, waiting to see what the Rebecca's had in store for him. They charged, brandishing large cans of bug spray.
"AHHHH!! My hair!!" Wesker squealed as the Rebecca's peppered him with their various cans of bug repellant. "NOW I'M MAD!!"
Wesker stalked toward the Rebecca's who quickly retreated, employing their dastardly trick of...hiding behind the nearest man they could find, which just happened to be Chris…
"YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO STARS!"
Wesker rolled his eyes at this heroic display, my God but Chris was such a ham. The Chris' attacked. Wesker sighed, quickly dispatching them. Heroic figures went flying everywhere and he did this great feat with only his strength and a toothpick….don't ask…
Then, with the help of yet another plot hole, a large pile of breadsticks landed on Wesker's head. He stood there as bread stick, after bread stick bounced harmlessly off his head to land on the ground at his feet.
"Opps, wrong lever." Jill grimaced slightly, letting go of the conveniently placed letter.
The Jill's then looked at the Chris's and ran away in full retreat. The Rebecca's were only a step or two behind, followed by the weeping Brad's and a few straggling Barry's. Most of the Barry's were still examining the soda.
"Well then, off to the mall." Wesker then grabbed his sunglasses and skipped off.
OT: What lays in wait for out two intrepid survivors at the mall?? Only our next installment can say for sure...
