TRIGGER WARNING - There are big mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Also elements of abuse throughout the story. Please read with caution.
When Lucy heard banging on her door, she knew it was Gildarts, but she didn't get up. She resolved in her head that no matter how hard he banged on the door, she wouldn't stand to open it.
She didn't sleep a wink last night and she was still awake when Gildarts began knocking promptly on the door and it made rage slowly begin to build in her stomach. She buried her face in her pillow, biting it to suppress her anger when she heard Gildarts peek in the room.
"Oi," he called. "Medicine. Now."
Lucy didn't respond. The blonde was breathing heavily into the pillow, her eyes squeezed shut in annoyance. Gildarts shuffled further into the room.
"Kid," he said gruffly. She heard him shake the small paper bag as he neared closer. "Take your medicine. You're usually up before I get here."
"Go away," Lucy muttered quietly into the pillow as her hands began to shake with rage.
"What?" he asked, and his tone was what made her snap. She arched up from the bed to smack the paper bag from his hand, making it hit the wall.
"Get out!" She repeated louder, her eyes alight with fury. Lucy had the pleasure of seeing caution finally flash in Gildart's eyes as he backed away a few steps.
"Alright, easy, Lucy," he said lowly. Lucy growled lowly when she heard her name.
"Easy." He picked up the medicine from the floor before turning back to her.
"What's going on?"
Lucy whipped her head around to look to the doorway. Gajeel was stood there, his usually bored and indifferent eyes narrowed as he watched the scene. Ironically enough, Gajeel was the one in their ward who had made the most progress. It was likely he would be going home soon.
"Gajeel," Gildarts warned slowly, still eyeing the blonde's shaking form warily, as if she would pounce at any moment. "Will you go and get Erza for me? Grab some staff too."
Lucy scoffed and stood from the bed causing Gildarts to back away more and Gajeel to tense.
"I am sick of this," she said quietly, but her voice shook. "I'm sick of this ward – Sick of this institution. I'm sick of pretending like your stupid medicine is doing anything for me when it isn't. Do I look okay to you? I am furious and I don't know why! Now, you either give me a blade or get the fuck out of my way or I swear to God Gildarts, I will make you."
Gajeel recoiled at the blonde's harsh words, though Gildarts seemed unfazed. He just urged Gajeel to go do as he was told. Lucy could see the surprise and unease in Gajeel's gaze. She had done so well at keeping it together around people – He'd never seen her like this. It's a shame he had to now.
"You gonna be okay, though?" he said in a wary voice. Gildarts nodded.
"It's my job, kid. Send someone or get them, but we need them. She seems to be having a-"
"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" The blonde screeched, causing the two to look back to her. Laxus came to stand behind Gajeel, his expression guarded as he peered at her. The girls were behind him. Lucy felt her mood shifting suddenly to sadness, but all that did was make her angrier.
"Get. Out." She said very slowly, her eyes intent and dangerous on Gildarts. He shook his head.
"No. Don't worry Lucy, everything will be fi-"
"Fine?" Lucy snapped. "Oh yeah, like people haven't been telling me that my whole life. Don't you see, Doctor Gildarts? I'll get better without you. But right now you're making me so – so angry-"
"Lucy, I – "
"Don't fucking 'Lucy' me!"
She could hardly believe he had the nerve. Lucy threw the closest thing she could grasp, which was a pencil case from the desk, at him. The relief she felt when doing so made her want to throw more. She wanted to kick things, to hit things. She threw all the contents of the desk at the doorway, before tipping over the desk itself. As she got to the chair, Erza and some more staff entered the room.
Natsu was behind them.
"Lucy…" Erza began sadly. Lucy hissed under her breath. Erza's voice made a rage she didn't even know was possible build in her. Her eyes snapped towards her.
"Don't," Lucy snapped and started towards her. Before the blonde got any closer, Natsu swooped in the push her away, moving with her.
"Natsu, I fucking swea-"
"Lucy," he said, completely calm. "You're not well. Worrying about other people seems to have made you forget that."
Lucy glared furiously at him.
"You have no idea what is wrong with me Natsu," she told him, her eyes dangerous. Natsu nodded.
"I know. But Luce – "
"Don't say but! I'm sick of it. I am sick of this! I want out. I can't cope with not sleeping at night. All these – these horrible thoughts in my head, it's just so – so overwhelming. And then I have to get up and go to these fucking music lessons and you guys don't understand I don't want to. I don't want to do anything - "
"That's because you're sick, Lucy," Natsu said, his voice raising as the blonde grew more incoherent. "Me not knowing what's wrong with you has nothing to do with that. Listen to me-"
"You know that promise I made you, Natsu? Do you remember? The one about me hurting myself, about me never doing that again?" She asked him suddenly, causing Natsu's eyes narrow and break his calm façade.
"Yeah," he began slowly but she didn't let him go on.
"I want to break it," Lucy growled. Natsu eyes grew hard, and his grasp tightened on her wrists.
"I'm gonna break it. I don't want to be here anymore; I don't want to be anywhere anymore."
Her voice shook, the anger slowly faded into a sad agony that made her feel so hopeless it was painful.
"Lucy," Erza uttered, her eyes so sad that Lucy couldn't bear to look at her. She noticed Gildarts re-enter the room as her knees wobbled - She hadn't even noticed he had left.
"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it," Lucy whispered, drawing her wrists from Natsu's hands to hide her face.
"I hate it!" She shouted and turned to punch the wall. It made an audible crunch as it connected, and it felt good. She couldn't stop. She wouldn't stop. Lucy's fist was red as her knuckle burst but she got another hit in before Natsu grabbed her shoulders and dragged her towards the bed.
Everyone gasped and Erza ushered them from the room. Gildarts was watching the small blonde in Natsu's grasp. He had stepped forward to keep her from hurting herself more, but Natsu was the only person who dared to get so close to her.
"I hate it, I hate it, Natsu, I hate it," Lucy sobbed. Natsu frowned and cradled her face in his hands as he tried to make her look at him.
"You hate what, Lucy?" he asked and then she felt a prick in her arm. Gildarts pressed the needle into the crook of her elbow and the blonde's eyes began to droop shut, but not before uttering the answer to his question.
"Me," She whispered before everything went black.
Lucy's throat hurt. She didn't open her eyes but her right hand throbbed and her head ached. Lucy squeezed her eyes shut before blinking them open, frowning at the unfamiliar, hospital-like room before the memories dawned on her.
Lucy gasped. She had restrained from doing that for so long that she just snapped. Lucy buried her face in her hands but winced when she tried to open her right one. It was bandaged. The blonde suddenly recalled punching the wall and swallowed thickly. Her attention diverted when the door creaked open.
"Lucy," Erza came in, a soft smile in place as she came to sit at Lucy's side on the bed.
"I don't want to talk about it," Lucy said almost immediately. Erza nodded in understanding and placed a piece of paper on the young blonde's lap.
"You don't have to." The Doctor said gently. She gestured to her patient's injured hand. "You broke two of your knuckles, but Gildarts patched them up."
Lucy nodded and turned her head away.
"I realised I never really explained your illnesses to you." she said quietly, her usually stern voice sounded wrong. "That was wrong of me. But I know you don't want me to sit here and ramble on about why you're here so I just listed, very simply, the things you should expect. Now, these aren't all your illnesses, we still have some we need to explain to your parents before we tell you. But these are the things the medicine we give you treats. Now, you're good for now, Gildarts gave you your medicine with an injection earlier, but I really think you should read this."
Lucy nodded and looked anywhere but at Erza as guilt gnawed in her stomach.
"Okay," Erza nodded before standing. "I'll leave you be. You can rest for today as you should feel a little groggy. That sound good?"
Lucy nodded again, not looking up until she heard the door click shut. When she did, she picked up the paper in her hands and sighed before reading the contents.
Personality Disorder
• Intense emotions and mood swings.
• Harmful, impulsive behaviours.
• Relationship problems.
• Low self-worth.
• A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned).
Slight Psychosis
• Hallucinations
• Delusions
• Confused and disturbed thoughts
• Lack of insight and self-awareness
• Aggressive behaviour.
Severe Depression
• Alcohol or drug abuse.
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
• Irritability.
• Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable.
• Hopelessness.
• Persistent thoughts of something bad happening.
• Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts.
Lucy rolled her tongue over her bottom lip, and she glared forward. She gripped the edges of the paper tightly in her good hand, creasing it before relaxing. She was about to rip it up when she heard another knock on the door before it opened.
Lucy held her breath as Natsu closed the door behind him, his head bowed as he made his way over to the bed, not missing how she turned to paper over. He was silent for a few moments, the only sound in the room was their shallow breathing before he finally spoke.
"What happened?" he asked quietly. Lucy shrugged and looked away.
"Nothing. Like you said, I'm sick." She wrapped her arms around her torso, trying to ease the sudden tightness in her chest.
He was quiet for a moment before he sat down on the bed.
"I told you everything." Natsu said suddenly. Lucy snapped her head towards him and tried to get a look at his face, but he kept it turned away.
"I told you things I never told anyone, not anyone at all." He muttered. "I think it's only fair you do the same for me."
Lucy blinked before closing her eyes, her grip once again tightening on the sheet in her hands. She tried to think up an excuse but came up blank. Natsu kept quiet about himself for seven years, but he explained everything to her just because he felt he owed it her. Lucy coming clean with him was the least she could do. The blonde released a long breath before picking up the paper.
"These are a few of my diagnoses. There are a lot more apparently, but they say it's best I'm kept in the dark about that for now." Lucy murmured as she handed him the paper.
Lucy watched his eyes widen as he eyed each of the titles, his jaw growing taught as he read each of the symptoms carefully before his bangs shielded his eyes.
"These are only a few?" he whispered. He shook his head slowly. "I - I had no idea. You should have told me, I would've-"
"To be fair, I only just found out myself." Lucy laughed dryly. "And there's nothing you could have done. And if anything, you're the one who kept me sane for if I did. I can't believe I didn't snap sooner."
Natsu chuckled sadly. "That's true."
She bit her lip as she looked at him. They hadn't had a chance to speak since the kiss in the piano room with everything that had happened. Natsu must have been having similar thoughts as he looked to the blonde.
"I told you I had to think," he said slowly. "And I've made up my mind."
Lucy's breath hitched, and she nodded slowly.
"I'm no good for you," he began. "Something like – What we did, in a place like this… It's never a good idea."
Lucy felt a tightness in her stomach, but Natsu shook his head.
"I'm not saying I want it to stop," he told her, his voice gruff. "Just – We need to be careful. I care for you – A lot. But I'm not good for you. I'm so… fucked up. And you…"
"Are fucked up too." She finished for him. Natsu didn't disagree.
"I don't want to put any pressure on this, on you, or me," he whispered roughly. "But I also don't want to say nothing can happen. I don't know what to…"
He stopped, closing his eyes in frustration.
"I know," She whispered. "I know what you're trying to say. We can leave things the way they are – If things happen, they happen. And if they don't…"
Natsu looked up at her, his eyes darkening as he looked down at her lips, then back up to her eyes. She read his intention perfectly and parted her lips. For a moment she thought he would kiss her again, but instead Natsu cleared his throat and looked away.
"So, we're okay?" he concluded, his voice gruff. Lucy stared at him for a moment before nodding.
"We're okay."
Natsu leaned forward to say something else before knocking on the door erupted once more. Natsu and Lucy frowned.
"Come in," She called weakly, shrugging lightly to Natsu. The door creaked open, and she looked over to eye the people behind it.
The colour drained from her face the moment her eyes met theirs.
"Lucy," Father's voice crackled angrily and mother remained silent behind him.
