TRIGGER WARNING - There are big mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Also elements of abuse throughout the story. Please read with caution.
"Lucius!"
Lucy whimpered. Daddy was drunk again. She threw down the crayon she was holding and grabbed Michelle from the bed before scurrying to her closet.
"Lucius Heartfilia!"
She resisted the urge to shout that that was not her name. Her name was Lucy. Lucius was a boy's name.
The closet was pulled open, and she felt a firm, cold hand wrap around her upper arm. Father yanked her from the closet. It made her shoulder hurt.
"Where's your mother?" Father slurred. Lucy whimpered.
"Why are you calling me Lucius?" She whimpered. She pulled Michelle to her chest as Father considered her words.
"Oh… Oh, that's right." He murmured. He yanked her arm again.
"Ow!"
"Where is Layla?" he roared, and Lucy couldn't hold back her tears as fear closed her throat and her shoulder screamed in protest.
"I don't know!" Lucy cried. "She found something in your room, and it made her sad! I asked if I could go too but she said no! She told me…"
"What?" he snapped and pulled her arm again.
"She said nasty things about you," Lucy whispered. "She called you a cheater. What does that mean, Daddy?"
Daddy was quiet for a few moments, and she thought he was going to let her go and leave her alone. Lucy hoped he would. She was always happier when she was alone and not with her parents.
After a few minutes her arm started to ache worse, so she tried to pull away. At first, Daddy didn't react, and she pulled free. Lucy rolled her small shoulder and tried to back away from her father's frozen form.
But… Poor Daddy. He was just crouching on the floor, completely solid. He was sad. Lucy made her way forwards and put her tiny hand on his shoulder.
"Daddy… Are you okay?"
At first, he didn't respond. Lucy waited a few moments, but a strange feeling started building in her stomach. She felt nearly frozen with fear. This was a bad idea… She realised with the small voice in her mind. But as she started to draw her hand away, Father's snapped down onto it.
"You stupid girl!" he roared and as he hit her. Lucy fell down.
"Don't, Daddy!" Lucy sobbed fearfully, but he didn't care. He forced her to stand up just to hit her again, this time knocking the small girl into the wall.
"It's all your fucking fault!" he bellowed. "Layla is gone and it's…" he empathised his words with another strike to her small body.
Lucy's mind was ringing. It's my fault? She asked herself in agony. She stopped crying while he hit her. The only noise was the breath being forced from her body with each blow. She is the reason Mummy and Daddy are always shouting, screaming, and yelling. But then it hurt so much that Lucy had to scream. He didn't make her stand now. She couldn't.
"You – You look like her, you know…" He rumbled drunkenly.
Lucy whimpered. She didn't know it was possible to feel so scared. When it became unthinkable, her mind did what it always did.
It turned off.
"Lucy?"
Lucy didn't open her eyes right away as the infirmary's door creaked open. She peeked them open when some light from the hall spilled into the dark room and lit up the bottom of the bed. The blonde covered her eyes at the sight of it and swallowed a groan of annoyance. Her stomach was in knots from her dream and her pillow felt wet. She rubbed her face furiously as she sensed someone shuffling in the doorway.
"May I come in?"
Miss Erza hovered in the doorway and peeked through the half open door. Lucy thought about faking sleep for a moment, but this was the first-time Erza had tried to talk to her since her father beat her, which was over week ago. Lucy sighed before turning on her back and sitting up to meet eyes with the woman.
"Yeah, sure," she said quietly, not knowing how to talk to the woman she was constantly told was so guilt-stricken.
Miss Erza kept her eyes on the floor as she made her way into the room. She started to close the door but stopped as the light was chased out and the room grew dark once more. She looked at Lucy.
"May I turn the light on?" she asked in that same soft, almost tentative voice. Lucy nodded and hid her irritation. She was talking to the blonde as if she was speaking to a scared child. It was almost insulting.
Erza flicked on the light and closed the door the entire way. Lucy squinted as the light invaded her eyes and she fought the urge to cover them as she knew that would hint to Miss Erza how long she had been laying there in the dark. Lucy knew Erza would have something annoyingly perceptive to say if she knew about that, and Lucy didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.
Miss Erza, who Lucy knew usually liked the sit on the Side of her bed from all the times she had entered her bedroom, took one of the empty seats near the window and pulled it to the bedside before sitting down. Only then did she lift her eyes to her patient's and finally offer a gentle smile.
"How have you been doing, Lucy?"
Lucy didn't answer.
"The time you were meant to return to your own room is more than overdue. Want to tell me why you're so keen to remain here?"
Lucy grit her teeth but again didn't answer. Erza swallowed thickly before looking to the floor.
"…I've been told from the other councillors sent to talk to you that you haven't been very cooperative. Can you tell me why that -"
"None of them were my previously assigned councillor."
Lucy's firm, cold voice overlapped Miss Erza's soft and quiet one. The room grew thick with tension but remained as quiet as it had been since Erza had come in. Miss Erza closed her eyes and took and deep, shaky breath before shaking her head slowly. Lucy almost frowned. That was unprofessional – and very unlike Erza.
"No… No, they were not." She answered, even though Lucy made more of a statement than a question.
"You are." The blonde added, her eyes firm on Erza while hers were glued to the sheets that covered Lucy's legs.
"…Yes." Miss Erza nodded. "But… If I had come here to try and speak with you about the – the incident. Would you have spoken to me? Would you have told me how you felt about what happened? Would have told me about any other… Incidents?"
Lucy narrowed her eyes before clicking her tongue and looking away. Miss Erza nodded and kept her eyes on the young blonde.
"I may feel very responsible for what happened. But that would not keep me from my job. It was suggested that maybe you would respond well to other councillors since you are aware that I was the one who let you parents into your room."
Lucy nodded slowly; her eyes still narrowed. Erza went on.
"But you didn't respond to them. Just like you don't respond to me. Your illnesses… they make you unwell, for sure – but no doubt they make you smart. You - You know what we look for when we talk to you and try to read you. You know what signs we look for when you lie, or when you're angry or upset. You know how to read emotions and body language just as well as we do... You use this, don't you Lucy?"
Lucy fought the urge to smirk. Instead, she pressed her tongue to the inside of her cheek and glared at the annoyingly white bed sheets before her. Was there a point to this?
Erza nodded, knowing that Lucy had answered the question with her silence.
"There's only one person you respond to. Only one person who has really… Been a benefit to you while you've been here."
Lucy narrowed her eyes. She was not. She wasn't stupid enough to do this, was she? Lucy finally looked up to access Miss Erza carefully. Lucy suspected where she was going with this, but she tried to have faith that her doctor wasn't completely stupid. Miss Erza met Lucy's gaze head on before finally speaking the name:
"Natsu."
Lucy didn't even attempt to hide her snarl. This was the definition of none of her business and she didn't like the adults meddling in her personal matters. Natsu and she didn't want to focus on what was wrong with them, they wanted to forget about that.
They couldn't have the adults pushing them to talk about their illnesses and things they weren't ready to discuss yet with each other. It would just destroy whatever it was that they did have. That can't be what Erza wants, so why was she doing this?
Lucy clicked her tongue in annoyance once more and tried to smother her rage – It did her no good right now. "That is really none of your business."
Miss Erza tilted her head.
"No? It has come to my attention that he has neglected coming here since…" she squinted her eyes in thought.
"Nine days ago? That's the longest I've seen you apart."
Lucy's eyes flashed with anger, and she offered Erza a tight but nasty smile. "That's irrelevant. This conversation is pointless. I'm going back to my room."
Lucy pushed the covers off herself roughly and jumped out of the bed. She swayed a little, having been laying down for so long but her anger helped her stride to the door. Miss Erza followed closely, her eyes a little more cautious. Lucy was happy with that. She was right to be cautious with the way Lucy was feeling right now.
"Lucy, you're still in your nightgown, let's get you some clothes an-"
Lucy was too pissed off. She scoffed as she swung the door open and marched out. Her bare feet slapped against the cold tiles as she desperately tried to get away from that woman.
"Lucy. Lucy, just wait a minute!" Miss Erza made a big mistake when she grabbed Lucy's wrist just as they passed the leisure area where all the other patients where. Lucy halted abruptly as Erza's cold, firm hand wrapped around her skinny wrist. Lucy's bangs covered her eyes, and the room grew very quiet as she spoke in a low voice.
"Miss Erza," The smaller blonde said quietly. "If you don't let go of my wrist - right now - I'm afraid the little outburst, as my father called it will look as innocent as a nun's sewing circle."
Erza let go of Lucy's hand as if she had been electrocuted. She opened her mouth to try and console her patient, but Lucy only grew more and more angry. Then she noticed a flash of pink at her side.
"Luce."
Lucy's breathing only grew heavier as Natsu's taut, stern voice rang through the room. She didn't turn around, but she did turn her head slightly, so an eye met his. Natsu was calm, his hands buried in his pockets, and he stood in his usual slouch. But his usually bored, lazy eyes were hard and wary. He nodded his head towards one of the hallways, the one leading to the piano room – their piano room. The breath hitched in Lucy's throat. She nodded.
Immediately, Natsu stepped forward and grabbed her wrist. He cast a look to Erza – who nodded – before he dragged Lucy away.
As the piano room's doors came into view, Lucy pulled from Natsu's grip and marched forward to slam both doors open. They hit the walls loudly as she made her way into the room. Natsu followed slowly and closed the doors quietly behind him.
Lucy ran her hands agitatedly through her hair and started pacing the glowing black and red floor. Her breathing grew more and more erratic.
"I don't know how much longer I can cope with this," She moaned and didn't halt her pacing. Natsu stood a few feet away, his eyes trained on her movements calmly.
"I'm just so – so angry. All the time." Lucy's voice raised. "I… I don't even – the littlest things, Natsu. Miss Erza, she hardly even said anything! All she said was that you help me recover and I – I don't know Natsu, I just snapped. But I don't know why! I – I – "
She released a small shriek of frustration. The fingers in her hair curled into fists and pulled at the roots.
"I feel so normal one moment," She rasped, her voice pained and scratchy. "Then I just feel so sad. I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed all the time. They – They kept on coming in, telling me I can go back to my room, but I didn't want to. You wanna know why? Because my room was brighter than the infirmary, and all I wanted to do was lay in the dark on my own - Not even fucking sleep, Natsu! Just – "
Lucy pressed her hands over her face. She released a low, pained groan before finally stumbling to a stop and falling to her knees, her face still buried in her hands.
"They kept peeking their stupid little heads in," She went on as she lifted her head, not risking a glance at Natsu's expression. "Asking me if I was okay, how I was doing, and it was just so… infuriating. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to jam their stupid heads in that stupid door just to shut them up and I don't know why! They weren't doing any harm; they were literally doing their jobs and yet it made me want to… want to –"
She shoved her face in her hands again.
"And then – " The blonde began before Natsu could get a word in; her voice muffled behind her hands. "The smallest, tiniest thing is said, and it just flips a switch."
She pulled her face from her hands to look up at Natsu. He was in the same place, his hands in his pockets and his eyes firm. They were hard and pained.
"You know what I mean? That switch, it can just go off and you snap."
Lucy took a very sharp inhale of air and pressed a hand to her forehead, the other hand slapped down onto the tiled floor as she leaned forward.
"Switch went off, Natsu." She gasped.
"…And what happens to you when the switch goes off?" Natsu asked, his voice quiet.
The blonde didn't say anything as she glared at her pathetic reflection in the polished tiles. She watched herself open her mouth to answer the question.
"I want to break things," she said, her voice shaking. "Scream. Run. Anything to just – burn out all the anger. It's like… I can feel the rage just start to build in my stomach until it runs through my veins and all I want to do is let it out. Just – Just hit things. A pillow, the walls, the floor, the people – "
Lucy lifted her head, feeling totally exhausted as she the next word.
"Me."
That was when Natsu had had enough. He marched forwards to kneel before Lucy and took her shoulders in his hands. He snarled, his perfect, sharp white teeth bared and beautiful forest-green eyes blazing.
"Then you need to get a hold of yourself." He barked at her. She looked up at him in shock, her brows creased into a frown.
"You're tougher than this," he snapped as he shook her. "You can control your emotions. It's just the things that are wrong with you are making it harder. But when that happens it's not you."
He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes narrowing as her expression became more broken.
"It's not you," he repeated. "You need to realise that! And every time you start to feel that way, you will not lock yourself in the fuckin' infirmary and not let anybody in. And you won't go running off to go willow in your anger and misery alone. Find me, you fucking moron! And I'll remind you of who you are and tell you again what you're not."
He dropped his hands to his sides and sat up straight to look at the blonde before saying firmly:
"Because it sure as hell isn't this."
Lucy swallowed thickly, the swirling agony in her mind finally began to subdue. She blinked up at Natsu in bewilderment. He seemed to be shocked at the sudden surprise in her gaze while she looked up at him. His previously angry eyes grew more and more confused before they were suspicious as he eyed her form.
She was just so… bemused by him. She didn't know someone could be so attentive and unreservedly good – even if it was in the gruffest way possible. And she couldn't even comprehend why he would want to waste his time on some pathetic, completely unbalanced woman like her.
It hit Lucy like the first time every time. He was just so beautiful. He was so sad and so beautiful. She had never seen such kindness before. She didn't know that such kindness could exist.
Tears began to flood Lucy's eyes, and it wasn't hard for Natsu to notice. His eyes grew soft, and he sighed before pulling the blonde into his chest where she buried her face. His arms curled around her, and he rubbed her back comfortingly. That just made her cry more. He buried his face in the blonde's hair and she groaned. Why was he doing this to her?
"Why are you so nice to me?" Lucy sobbed. Natsu shushed her.
"I'm sure you'd do the same for me," he replied in a quiet voice.
Lucy glanced up to find him glaring at the ceiling. His face was pinched and pained. He's fighting, she realised. The hell inside his head. Lucy tried to pull away, but Natsu pulled her back.
"No, no it's okay," he said as he caught her. "It's not so bad. It never is when I'm with you."
Lucy hummed.
"Why do you think that is?" She asked and tilted her head up to look at him again. He smirked.
"Because you're such a delight to be around?" he offered in a teasing voice. Lucy scoffed.
"Thank you," she breathed. "But seriously, why? Why can't Malis really get to you when I'm here?"
Natsu went quiet for a while.
"I think it's because…" he trailed off. "For the first time – I think actually care about someone."
Her breath shook and she felt a small percentage of the rage burn away in her stomach. She released a long, shuddering breath.
"Same here," she said softly. She felt him freeze but she continued. "I was so, so angry before, even though I knew I had no real reason to be. And the fact that I knew that only made me so much angrier. But the moment you came…"
Lucy smiled. She felt Natsu nod, then he pulled away before speaking again.
"Then whenever you're feeling all… psycho." She hit him lightly and he grumbled a laugh before going on. "I'll help."
The blonde smiled and smacked him playfully again. "Okay, I think I'm ready to leave now."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
