TRIGGER WARNING - There are big mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Also elements of abuse throughout the story. Please read with caution.
Lucy stood still. Completely motionless. Natsu's forest-green orbs bored into her brown ones, and they were hard. He was trying to hold back his emotions - Trying to make this easier.
"What - What do you mean?" Lucy asked in a quiet, almost inaudible voice. Natsu sighed softly.
"I mean what I said. I'm leaving."
"But why?" She asked desperately, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. Natsu dropped his head.
"Because, I don't have a choice." He responded quietly, but his voice shook with anger. He winced slightly and Lucy's eyes softened.
"What does… What does Malis think of this?"
Natsu's head snapped up. He glared darkly at the blonde.
"Don't speak of hi- that like it's a person. It's not real. It's just a fucked-up part of my brain. Stop making out that it's some little – little sidekick I have. Like it has some opinion." He snapped, his voice harsh. Lucy fell a step back.
"It's not real." He repeated, his voice lowering angrily.
"Okay." Lucy responded after a minute's silence. She raised her hands palm up as she took her first cautious step towards him. "Okay. He - It's not real. Just the fucked-up part of your brain. I get it."
Natsu lifted his head to look warily at her, before dropping it once more. He nodded. Lucy noticed his shoulders slump, and she took another step towards him.
"So, can I know why? Why you're leaving?" Lucy asked, her insides were churning. Her mind dropped dangerously low into the cold haze of grief. Her mood shifted threateningly, but she couldn't let it. She had to be there for Natsu.
"They're making me," he spat, pulling Lucy from her inner turmoil. She frowned in confusion.
"They? You mean Gildarts and them? Why would they do that? They know you're not ready, they know you don't wan-"
"No, not them!" Natsu snapped again, making Lucy flinch but he didn't notice. He threw his hands up in frustration and Lucy's heart raced with fear. "God, Lucy, put the pieces together - It's my parents. Because I've been avoiding them for so long. They're dragging me out of here."
"How? They don't have the right, do they?"
Natsu scoffed, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"They can do anythin' they want. Money makes the world go around, Lucy, you know that. They have a reputation. One bad word said against this place by them, and it's gone. Vanished." He made a gesture of disappearance with his hands, letting them remain risen for a moment before dropping them in defeat. Lucy felt her throat contract.
"We can do something. Right? We can. I'll talk to Erza, we're fine now and, God knows she'll listen to me!"
Natsu was shaking his head before she had even finished.
"You don't get it." He whispered, though his voice echoed in their room. "They're not just going to risk their entire institution for one guy. It this or me, Lucy. They fight for me, say I'm not ready, tell them the absolute truth that if I leave now… I'll fuckin' fall apart, then yeah, maybe my parents will get bored and let it go.
"But if they do that, it hurts their stupid pride. It means they're at risk of losing this place. One bad word – If my parents tell anyone, the press or their friends shit like, this place fucked me up even more, made me worse… It's bye bye Fairy Tail.
"Or they can just let me go. Keep helping people get on their feet, get better. They only let loose one mental case into the world, not hundreds. So, they'll be able to sleep at night just fine."
Natsu slumped onto the piano seat, running his finger over the polished black, his eyes not meeting Lucy's even once since they drew away in the first place.
"Natsu," Lucy began, her voice shaking as she stood to stand beside the piano, resting her hand on its sleek surface. "Remember that time you gave me a free pass? You know when I asked why you were in the hospital?"
Natsu just nodded. Lucy swallowed thickly.
"Well, I want to request another one."
Natsu rumbled a laugh as he looked up at her, some of his old, playful spark returning.
"That's a rather big request, don't you think?" he teased. Lucy offered a small smile, but she didn't want to make jokes right now.
"I just thought maybe you'd be generous. You know - Since you'll be going soon."
Natsu sobered up, his smile falling. He nodded in one jerky motion. "Okay. One free pass. Go."
Lucy nodded, tilting her head up as if it would make her fears sink out of her so there was only room left for courage. It didn't work.
She took a deep breath before quietly asking: "Why do you hate your parents?"
Natsu didn't even respond at first, he just kept running his hand up and down the lid of the piano as if she hadn't said anything. A minute past before she cleared her throat and Natsu sighed.
"I heard you," he said when she started to speak. Natsu closed his eyes painfully. Lucy's chest tightened just looking at him.
"If you must know," he began. "I hate my parents because they hate me."
He looked back down the to the piano lid as he said the three last words - As if they had no effect on him at all. Lucy turned her head in confusion.
"What do you mean, they hate you?" She asked a little too loudly, her voice bounced off the walls like hammers, making Natsu wince. "All they ever do is try to see you, go places with you..."
"Yeah, to torture me about what I did," he grumbled, glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. Lucy took a seat beside him.
"What did you do?" She asked. Natsu looked at her evenly.
"I grew up North of the City," he admitted, and the blonde's eyes widened. Natsu nodded and looked away.
"Yeah, my family were pretty well off. Well, very well off. My Mom liked the materials in life and that's most likely why she was with my Dad. My family are made up of musicians."
Natsu scoffed.
"Can't marry someone who isn't musically known and gifted in my family, probably why my Mom and Dad ended up together. And if you had kids, they had to learn an instrument too. My Mom played the harp, and my Dad played the flute. When – "
Natsu cut off abruptly. Lucy frowned in confusion but barely had time to think before he went on.
"When my brother was born," he said in a voice she barely recognised. "They made him learn the piano from the day he could. He was gifted in every singly way. Musical genius."
Natsu shook his head fondly, but smiled a tight, pained smirk.
"What's his name?" Lucy asked quietly. Natsu's smile dropped; he turned his head away but carried on.
"Zeref. My Mom and Dad adored him. He was everything they wanted him to be. They thought since they did so great the first time 'round they'd give it another go. Two musical geniuses as sons would give them great publicity so I was born when Zeref was twelve."
"And you learnt piano too." Lucy murmured in realisation, her eyes on the piano.
"Yeah," he breathed. "I wanted to play piano, like him. But – Unfortunately for my parents, I didn't go as smoothly as Zeref. They got lucky with him. My music… It wasn't what they wanted. I could play, read music and the works. But my family's trait was composing. The reason Zeref was so great was, with his music, he could make the audience feel exactly what he wanted them to. And my parents wanted him to amaze them, so he did."
Natsu sighed.
"But I – My music was dark, and… scary, I guess. I don't know, I couldn't help it and I couldn't fuckin' stop it. My parents wanted pretty, light, happy and classy music. They wanted me to be like Zeref, act like Zeref but I couldn't. The music, it- it reflected my mood. The more they told me to act like Zeref the more I knew they didn't want me to be me. That made it worse."
Lucy resisted the urge to grab his hand.
"I loved Zeref." He told her honestly, his eyes lifting to meet Lucy's. "He hated what my parents were doing, how they were treating me. I knew they hated me and so did Zeref. It hurt Zeref more than me 'cause he thought it was all his fault. That was Zeref though,"
Natsu laughed gruffly and pressed his palms to his eyes.
"He was just so good." He moved his hands from his face. "He couldn't stand anyone being sad, let alone being the reason they were, and he felt he was. And I was the person he loved the most. But he didn't get it, it wasn't him, it was my parents."
Natsu took a long shaky breath and Lucy's eyes flooded with dread and concern for him. The bad part was coming, and she knew it. She could barely brace herself as Natsu hung his head.
"One night I was arguing with my folks," he said. His voice sound so old. And very, very sad. "I told them I didn't want to play the piano. I hated the piano. It was the real reason everything was so wrong. It was the reason my parents hated me, and my brother pitied me. It went on for a while till my dad hit me. He would've got another punch in if it weren't for Zeref. He pushed my dad down and dragged me up to my room. I remember,"
His eyes glazed over as he relived the memory.
"I was nine, so Zeref was twenty-one. He was crying and he had to leave the room to compose himself, but I remember he held my hand before he left. I remember holding my face, it… hurt. It hurt a lot and that made him cry even more. I remember – I was angry that he left... I mentioned the fire thing, right?"
Lucy could only nod, a hollow feeling forming in her chest.
"Fire always made me happy." He murmured. "I had some matches I stole in my room. I wanted to burn something, piss my dad off. But, I – I got out of control…"
Natsu trailed off, his eyes going blank. He cleared his throat abruptly.
"The fire got out of control. I remember trying to put it out, I was panicking. I think I fainted from smoke inhalation. I woke up in the hospital with my parents faces glaring at me. At first, I thought they were worried about me, but they were angry. They got out of the house safely, but Zeref tried to save me. He did – He carried me out of the house but…" Natsu shrugged, the motion weak.
"He didn't make it. Zeref had died and they blamed me. Obviously, I had to go back with them, and this time I didn't have Zeref to protect me. They pulled some strings to make sure I wouldn't go to juvie; they knew they could punish me more than any discipline centre ever could. They tried to change me, to shape me into the man Zeref was. They said I had to replace him since I killed him."
Natsu rolled his eyes and looked up to the ceiling. Then he squeezed his eyes shut.
"They never even let me go to the funeral," he told her, his voice revealing his bewilderment at the fact.
"They said I shouldn't have the right to go since I was the reason that he was dead. That was one of the worst parts," he shook his head angrily.
"So, yeah," Natsu finished, shrugging his arms, clearly in attempt to hide his hurt. "That's why I hate them. And that's what triggered my mental disorder. I killed my brother so a demon in my head tells me how disgusting I am every day since now my parents can't."
Lucy didn't even know what to say – But that didn't matter since Natsu had already stood up. She watched him in surprise.
"Where are you – "
"I answered your question." He said sharply and the blonde frowned as he kept his back to her. "I needed to tell you I was leaving since I knew you'd be upset. I have now, so we can go."
Lucy's brow furrowed at his coldness.
"Well – Yes, I'm upset. You're the only thing that holds me together."
Natsu didn't say anything – She almost wished she could take the words back based on how he was reacting to them.
"I get why they say it now," he ran a hand over his face and turned to face her. "They always say don't do romance in a place like this. It won't help anyone. I didn't get it, but I do now."
Lucy stood slowly from the bench to stand across from him.
"What are you talking about?" She asked cautiously. Natsu shook his head.
"You rely on me. You rely on me so much and that was fine but – Now I'm leavin' and you won't have me. So, now you're just gonna get worse and I won't be here to – "
He trailed off, looking at her with an expression that was almost annoyed.
"This wouldn't be this way if we hadn't done this." He gestured around the room. "If I had just left you alone and likewise, I would just leave and that would be it. No harm done. But we had to go down that road and just fuck everythin' up."
Lucy could barely comprehend what he was saying. Natsu had never treated her like this. He was acting as if he regretted ever having this relationship with her – Whatever it was.
"Natsu, you're not – You don't mean that." She managed. Natsu's expression didn't change. "You helped me, and I helped you. This will always have been a good thing."
"No," he ran a hand through his hair. "We were too reliant on each other. It was dumb and toxic. 'Specially in a place like this."
Lucy was at a loss for words.
"I shouldn't have pursued you. I should'a thought about the consequences, but I didn't." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not," Lucy told him as she stepped forward to stand in front of him. He hung his head back before dropping his gaze to look down on her. "You helped me more than anyone. We can find a way out of this – We'll fix it, and you won't have to leave."
"Will you listen to yourself?" He snapped and Lucy jumped. "You're just proving my point. You lean on me too much – And I shouldn't have taken this role. One crazy person restin' on another is just a recipe for disaster. And you know it."
Lucy couldn't believe he just said that. She fell a step away – She thought she saw a flicker of regret in his eyes but that could have just been her imagination.
"You don't mean that," she managed and Natsu pressed his hands over his face in frustration. "I know what you're doing. You're – "
"No, you don't!" he shouted at her, pulling his hands from his face so fast that Lucy reeled back, fear tightening her throat.
He saw it that time.
She watched the realisation sink into his face. His mouth fell open, but no words came out.
"Luce," he began, but she didn't want to hear it. Tears filled her eyes, but she turned around before they overflowed.
"Aw, no," he rumbled, his voice pained. Lucy heard him move towards her. "No, Lucy – "
She didn't give him another second. Lucy didn't look back once as she flew from the room, trying to get as far away from that man as possible.
