Ranma walked into the common room to see a purple haired Amazon standing over a panda. Kasumi says, "You have a guest, Ranma-kun. Your father brought her."

Ranma turned to the panda, and said "What the hell were you thinking, you bastard?"

To which the panda held up a sign reading "Not my fault."

"Ranma?" Shampoo approached the male Ranma, and said. "Boy he is!"

"Is, is! Isn't it a shame I'm not a girl?"

"Oh, it's the first time she's met you as a male?" Akane smirked.

Shampoo pointed her bonbori at Akane and demanded "Ranma, show!"

Akane started to get angry that this bimbo was demanding things of her! In her own house! "I don't know where she is!"

"Hiding Ranma, You die, too."

"That's it!" Ranma shouted, interrupting the imminent battle "Come with me, I'll show you girl Ranma!"

"Where are you going?"

"Doctor Tofu's. I need someone who knows Chinese or this will never be straightened out."

-----------------------------

"Dr. Tofu, please read this to her in Chinese. She won't understand if I try to tell her in Japanese."

Dr. Tofu took the piece of paper, and started to read it to Shampoo in Chinese. "This is Ranma Saotome. He is male. He visited Jhusenkyou. When splashed with cold water, he becomes female. While he was female, he defeated you on the challenge log in your village. He knows about your law to marry the man that has defeated you. After being hunted by you, he'd rather kill Amazons than marry one. If anyone tries to use force, magic, love potions, or threats, to make him marry against his will, he swears on his family honor that at least one Amazon will die by his hands. If he is forced or tricked into going back to your village, he will try to kill as many Amazons as he can, before he finally dies. If your great-grandmother comes here, she will respect these wishes, or she will never succeed. She should worry more about who will kill the god Saffron from Phoenix Mountain, who will decimate the Amazons in a year, and destroy Jhusendo. If you really need to find a husband for Shampoo, Prince Herb of the Musk or Saffron of Phoenix Mountain can defeat her easily, and would probably enjoy possessing her. Herbs two servants have fixations about women's breasts, and will try to see her topless. Please take this note to Cologne, as I understand she can read Japanese."

Shampoo ran away in tears, with the note.

Tofu frowned, "That was rather harsh."

"Anything less would have made my life hell. Besides, she's just an assassin. My other option was to fight her again, to the death. I've never done that, and I don't want to start now."

-----------------------------

Ranma dove out of the way of Cologne, and her staff, as she dropped out of the sky, and attacked with thrusts and sweeps of her staff.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Cologne assumed a peaceful position. "I wanted to confirm that my granddaughter's loss to you wasn't a fluke. I wish to talk to you about that note you sent back with Shampoo."

"What about it?"

"It was very disrespectful."

"You came all the way from China because I didn't show enough respect?"

Cologne chuckled, "Of course not. You mentioned things in the letter that you shouldn't be able to know. I came to find out how you knew so much, and whether the threat you mentioned was valid."

"I believe it's true, or I wouldn't have sent it."

"I see you do, and I'm not accusing you of lying to me. But you could have been lied to, or be in error, and I can't very well tell my people to believe it, merely because a foreigner that none of them have met, told me, and seems honest. At that point, it ceases to be fact, and has turned into rumor or anecdote."

"OK, I can understand that. I had a dream about what would happen in my life. It told me many things I didn't know about the past, and so far everything checks out. There were too many things for it to be coincidences."

"Tell me about this dream."

"That's a bit personal."

"Feel free to edit out embarrassing parts. I just want to be as sure as you are about the dream's prophetic nature. "

"OK. It was a day before my father and I got here. I dreamed he had engaged me to his best friend's three daughters. I met them while female. The older one ignored me, the middle one groped me, and the youngest one asked to be friends and spar. Later the youngest one barged in on me in the bath. Since then she started calling me a pervert. The older two then shove the engagement off onto the youngest. Then things stated to become confusing, and jumping around. I found out that my father had also engaged me to my best friend from when I was 6. I thought he was a boy, but in the dream she was female. My father stole her dowry and abandoned her. She spent the next 10 years living as a boy, and tracking us down for revenge. Then she decides she wants to marry me after all. Then you and Shampoo and Mousse arrive and make my life a living hell trying to force or drug me into marrying her. Then my mother, who I thought had been dead, shows up. Herb locks me as female for a while, until I thrash him. Saffron steals the fiancee I started to love, and turns her into a doll. He destroys Jhusendo. I kill him, and he's reborn as a baby. I marry the woman I loved. We couldn't live together, so we got divorced. We still loved each other, so we remarried, but it wasn't any better, so we divorced again."

"So what of this dream has come true? I can tell that you aren't at Herb or Saffron's level. Neither of them is completely human."

"Everything that happened the first day came true. I described people I'd never met, but that the sisters knew. I told them their habits. My father confirmed that my mother wasn't really dead. When I named other people my father engaged me to, he became nervous and evasive. We're trying to find Ukyou and see if she really is a girl. Is there a blind nut named Mousse in your village that chases Shampoo whether she likes it or not? "

"Yes, he is quite a nuisance."

"And sending an assassin after me isn't?"

"I know it may seem strange to you, but it is our laws."

"Don't ask me what I think of your laws."

"Be that as it may, you have defeated her. She is obligated to marry you."

"But I'm not obligated to her. She tried to kill me repeatedly. If you force me, I'll see how many other Amazons I can defeat, and this time they won't get back up. Besides, your village only has a year until Saffron decides to destroy it. Why would I bother fighting him this time? In the dream, you couldn't, or wouldn't fight him. I don't care at all about the woman Saffron stole from me in the dream, so if he steals her, someone else will have to save her."

"Well then, I'm willing to offer you a deal."

"Tell me the catch first."

"I want you to promise that you won't reject Shampoo based on how she and I behaved in the dream, but get to know her and judge her on who she is, or becomes, and that you won't refuse to fight Saffron, but will make your decision later."

"And in return?"

"I offer to train you. You'll get to meet other Amazons without the worry of either kisses of marriage or death. I'll grant you exemption from the laws you find odious, and teach you secrets that are property of our tribe, as long as you promise not to reveal them to others. I offer you sanctuary from the man who has engaged you several times if you want it."

"And the alternative?"

"We make some other deal. Without some other agreement, Shampoo will feel the need to kill or marry you. If you succeed in killing her, other Amazons will want revenge. It will be a bloodbath. If you get allies, or attack the village directly, the elders will be forced to get involved, and we make better assassins, than a 16 year old girl who hasn't yet killed anyone in cold blood."

"What sort of other deal?"

"I don't know. I've made you an offer. If you want to amend it, or offer a better one, I'll consider it."

"OK, I'll accept. But make sure Shampoo knows not to grab and kiss me, or kill or drug anyone. I may have put up with her in the dream, but right now, I still don't like her. I'll like her even less if that happens."

"As long as you don't think you can tell her what she can and can't do, I'll convince her that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. No Amazon would accept an order from an outsider male, but she will behave herself, or face severe punishment from me. Is that acceptable?"

"I guess so. Hey, that reminds me. Mousse will start trying to curse other people with water from Jhusenkyou."

"I will make sure he knows that trying something like that will get him tortured and eventually killed. By having a formal agreement like this, you gain the status in our laws of being a visiting dignitary. As such, cursing people would be considered trying to provoke a war. As long as Shampoo doesn't give you the kiss of marriage, her situation is in limbo anyway. It shouldn't be hard to convince him that you two don't even like each other, so you are no danger to him. Even he isn't stupid enough to risk an Amazon death sentence, merely because Shampoo's sensei has a male student."

-----------------------------

Back at the Nekohanten, Cologne, called out "Shampoo, come here child."

Shampoo had been feeling more lost than ever before in her life. She dreamed that one day a handsome outsider would come and defeat her, and become her husband. Now she was living a twisted parody of that dream. She had spent weeks trying to kill her knight in shining armor, and she was wondering if she had irreparably destroyed her one chance at happiness. "Yes? Great-Grandmother?"

"You must give up any thought of giving Ranma the kiss of Marriage."

This was what she was dreading, an explicit command from her elder. "But the law says ..."

"As long as you delay kissing him you suffer a slight dishonor. If you kiss him, then you must marry him. At this point, the only way to get him to marry you would be by using force. Not marrying him would bring a greater dishonor. Furthermore, he now has visiting dignitary status. As long as he has that, any attempt to force him will be considered trying to provoke a war. Therefore you have the choice of suffering a small dishonor, a huge dishonor, or being killed over a period of a few days."

"I see."

"At some later point in time, you may be able to kiss him, and remove the blemish on your honor, but I don't think you're determined enough to succeed. You'd be better off not even trying."

"How could you say that? I'm the best Amazon fighter of my generation! I'll do whatever it takes to remove any stain on my honor!"

"You're too impulsive. This would require patience. Even then it might not succeed."

Shampoo's indignance to the slight on her skill from her sensei completely masked from her the telltale indicators that Cologne was manipulating Shampoo. "You taught me how to stand motionless for a day! I have patience!"

"This will be harder than that."

"I'll do it! Whatever it takes."

"Then let me explain. Right now, you like Mousse more than Ranma likes you. While I think you two might in time become friends or married, right now he hates you. Even though you were only doing what you were supposed to do. He understands that you had to do it. But that doesn't help."

It was obvious to Cologne that Shampoo would, if left to her own devices, try to win Ranma the way she'd pursue a boy from a local village. It was also obvious to Cologne that this would end in failure. "If you try to shower Ranma with affection, he'll see you as just as bad as you see Mousse. If he feels you are stalking or spying on him, he'll treat you like you treat Mousse. If you can't learn his language decently, he'll treat you as too stupid to marry. For now you must make friends with Japanese girls, and see how they behave around boys. You must be on your best behavior whenever he is around. You must never show more affection to him than he shows you, or you will chase him off. And finally you must never fight or punish someone unless he would think you need to."

"I don't understand what you mean by the last one."

"If someone does something serious, like calling you a prostitute, feel free to cave his head in. But if someone says other girls are prettier, you can't be violent, even if it is an insult to you. You must learn to deal out as much punishment as he thinks you should, and if you're going to make a mistake, err by being too peaceful."

"But how will he love me if he thinks I'm a coward?"

"For now you aren't trying to make him love you, but to like you. If he likes you, he'll spend more time with you, and that often leads to love. Or sex, but we'll discuss that later." Cologne paused in thought, "Much later. After he likes you and feels comfortable around you, then we convince him you are a brave warrior."

Cologne paused, and tried to think up a way to convey to Shampoo how she should act around Ranma. "Imagine you fell into spring of drowned twin and were locked into it. The other you would be just as good as you. If she bragged that she were better, you'd get angry. If you pretended you were weaker, she wouldn't respect you. But if you treated her well, you'd have a shield mate that would make the two of you extremely powerful. Treat Ranma as your equal, and try not to get mad when he claims to be the best, and maybe he'll forgive the times you slip up and mention how good you are. Remember, if you are the best, you don't need to say or do anything, anyone with half a brain will eventually realize it. If you boast, people will think you need to convince them because you aren't good enough."

-----------------------------

A few days later, Shampoo and Cologne finished moving the tables and chairs out of the way, turning the Cat Cafe into an impromptu dojo. "All right, Shampoo. Ranma will be here shortly for his first lesson. There's something you have to consider. Ranma wants to hate you, and wants you to hate him."

"But why?" Shampoo knew Ranma was mad at her for what she'd done, but she couldn't understand why he'd want to become angrier.

"The first is to justify his anger at you. He'll be looking for more reasons to prove to himself that he's right to continue to be angry. The second one is simpler. If you hate him, his life is simpler. Too many crazy things have happened to him recently. If you decided to hate him and go back to China life would be simpler. He's not even thinking about this, it's all subconscious. But because of that he's going to be picking a fight with you. Let's say he screams out Amazons are weaklings and cowards!' Normally you'd be justified in clobbering him. But he's just talking crazily. We both know it's not true, so humor him. In time, he'll admit the truth. I'd also apologize for trying to kill him."

"But I had to!" It was Cologne, after all, who taught her the importance of those laws. How could Cologne tell her to apologize to an outsider for obeying them?

"Say something like I'm sorry I was trying to kill you, I wish it didn't happen.' That's the truth, but if you were to say I'm sorry I had to kill you.' it will sound like an excuse. If you make an excuse, however valid, it will sound like you are trying to dodge responsibility. You did something. You wish it never happened. Tell him that, and eventually he'll act as if it never happened. Eventually after acting that way long enough, he'll dismiss it as unimportant. At that point, you have achieved the hardest part. Don't say that you were wrong to hunt him. You didn't have a choice, under the circumstances you were right to hunt him, therefore he won't believe you if you say you were wrong. Just apologize for what you honestly can. It may not be the full apology he wants, but a sincere half apology that is believed, is better than a full apology that is thought a lie."

-----------------------------

At the beginning of the next day's classes at school, the teacher announced "Class, I have an announcement to make. We're going to have a new exchange student. She is being considered for a future role of ambassador or liaison, so any opinions she forms might have serious repercussions for all of Japan. I assume you would feel some remorse if she grew to hate Japanese and this eventually escalated a smaller conflict into a war. So you'll have to be on your best behavior. Unfortunately, she knows almost nothing of Japanese culture, and her Japanese language skills are lower school at best. That's why she's coming here. She is like a sponge, what we teach her here will form the basis for everything she learns about Japanese in the future. Of course, she may never get the post, but I wouldn't risk it."

Having made her pitch for global unity and tolerance, the teacher returned to the specifics of their new student. "There are three more things that her great grandmother thought it best you should know. She has been treated much like Akane at home; however boys who are fresh or rude with her usually require a hospital stay. Repeat offenders can expect to be fed through a tube, and sometimes broken bones don't always heal correctly. Kuno is expected to need to repeat his grade next year because of his likely actions with her, so some of you may have him as a classmate. Secondly, she's a martial artist who has demonstrated that she can break a hole in a stone wall without effort, so she has no trouble following through if she thinks she's being mistreated. And thirdly, that is her natural hair color, it's genetic, and runs through her family."

"She will be starting classes here within the week. Meanwhile we have another student starting today ..."
-----------------------------

Ranma munches on the okonomiyaki thrown onto his desk, and exclaims "I recognize this. You're Okonomiyaki Ukchan! We've got to go somewhere private to talk. You're here to beat the crap out of me, aren't you?"

Ranma's voice was annoyingly cheerful, and grated on Ukyou's nerves. "I'm here to make you suffer, and then kill you."

"Well, I'm already suffering daily, but if you'll answer one simple question for me, I'll lie down and let you hospitalize me. What do you say? You can pound me all you want!"

"I'm going to pound you anyway!"

"Aw, you won't be able to do nearly as much damage if I'm running and defending. Look, answer a one word question, and I'll let you beat my face in and throw explosives at me without dodging."

"What's your damn question?"

"I don't want to say it aloud in front of everybody. Here, let me write it down." Ranma wrote "Were you born male or female?" on a piece of paper, and handed it to Ukyou.

"A girl, damnit!"

"I knew it! My dad lied to me for ten years over that question. I wondered why he took your families yattai, he told me it was a gift from your father. He reneged on an agreement between our families, didn't he? The yattai was in exchange for some agreement between our families regarding you, wasn't it? After I get out of the hospital, I'm going to get that bastard. Come on, let's go somewhere where there's more room, so you can beat me up."

"You, you mean you didn't know?"

"Hell no! You were the best friend I ever had! If I'd known, he'd have had to tie me up and carry me away! I only figured out he was lying a few weeks ago. Oh. Before I forget, I should introduce you to Akane. She's the one my dad is trying to force me to marry against both our wills. Akane, come here!" Ranma pointed at Ukyou, "This was my best friend ever. If she's your friend, there's no one better to have guarding your back. Listen, Akane, whatever he does to me, I want you to make sure that everyone knows I agreed to it. I don't want anyone to try and hold Ukyou responsible. If I'm unconscious, I want you to tell everyone."

Ukyou's image of how this reunion would go was completely shattered. She expected Ranma to be cringing or gloating, not thrilled to see him and looking forward to getting beaten up. "But how could you not know?"

"My dad's a lying bastard. When I was six, I still believed things he told me."

"Why are you letting me beat you up?"

"Cause you were my best friend, and I hurt you. Hell, I've been trying to track you down since I got here! I've been looking in the Kansai region calling Kuonjis."

"I've got to think this over."

"Sure. My offer will still be good. Hey, after school's over I'm going to go home and trash my dad over this, wanna join?"

"I'll think about it. Bye."

-----------------------------

That afternoon, Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou walk up to the two shogi-playing fathers. "Hey, Mr. Tendo. Hold onto my father, would you? He's going to run away from you in a minute."

"Why would he do a thing like that?"

"Because he was lying. He reneged on his promise to unite our families. Because of him, our families will never be joined!"

"What do you mean?"

"This is Ukyou. My father engaged us ten years ago, and accepted her dowry. There must be still more families out there. Genma's promises are null and void! I'll be leaving as soon as I'm done hurting your best friend. Kasumi? Do we have any lighter fluid?"

Soun turns to Ukyou, and tried to protect the Tendo engagement. "I'm sorry miss, but Ranma is engaged to marry Akane. You have to accept that."

Ranma interrupted "It doesn't matter if she accepts it or not. I said I would only consider the engagement to a Tendo if he hadn't lied to me about Ukyou, remember? He did, therefore I can't even consider it. On the night of our arrival, Pop betrayed your family by lying to you, and freed me from my obligation before your whole family as witnesses!"

"Genma!"

-----------------------------

"Oh my! What's Mr. Saotome doing?" Kasumi asked Ranma, as they stood on the veranda watching the brainless panda.

"Mrrrfl." Genma begged.

"Consider it endurance training. He can't move his feet because they're set in buried concrete blocks, and if he tries to sit, or lie down he impales himself on those knives."

"And the gag and chains?"

"To keep him from complaining. A martial artist must be stoic."

"Rrrrf! Rrf, rrf!" Genma lied.

"How long does he have to stand there?"

"We'll do something else after he loses consciousness. I'm sorry about the smell of his burning fur last night."

"It's not your fault. I saw it was daddy who actually set him on fire."

"Still, it was my idea. I didn't realize how much it'd stink, though. Don't worry about making meals for him. He's going to lose weight, even if we have to cut pieces out."

"Mrrrrrf!"

-----------------------------
-----------------------------

I have two images of Cologne, and I believe both are supported by the source material. Cologne is either the wise old mentor who's trying to teach the children something while they make a fuss over who marries whom, or she's the cruel enforcer who cares about nothing but her own laws and honor.

In this story, she's definitely the benevolent teacher who's not above mischievously doing something to make trouble, especially if it'll prompt the children to learn something. In this story, Shampoo's honor isn't in jeopardy per se; it's in limbo until the elders decide what to do about Ranma. She also isn't a cat. By interrupting her quest to bring back important news on the survival of the Amazons, she had a valid reason to go back and find out what Ranma's curse does to her mission.

As for who will wind up with Ranma, I don't know. Nabiki is in the best position at the moment, with Akane in a worse position than Kodachi and Azusa Shiratori. Oddly enough, the more I write, the more screen time Akane seems to get, or at least her actions seem to bend the story. Ukyou is a possibility, but the story seems to be veering away from that.

I don't like Mousse, and with the way everything's stacked against him, his living in Nerima would be truly pathetic. He can still glomp Shampoo, but if he annoys Ranma, Cologne won't just kill him, but torture him first. He could fight Kuno, Ryouga, and possibly Akane, but for what purpose? No one would care. I may leave him out of Nerima completely.

Happosai won't be showing up for a long time. Until he does, Genma's de-thronement will leave Ranma the last member of the Saotome School of Anything Goes, making him de facto head of the school. If Happosai shows up, Ranma loses that status.

Several people have pointed out that Ranma should try to relearn his special attacks. I forgot that. I'm currently working on chapters 5, 6, and 7 simultaneously. If I can rework it, he'll start learning the Amaguriken next chapter; otherwise it'll have to wait until chapters 8 or 9. The Hiryu Shoten Ha is so far in the future I won't comment, and I don't know when a Ki attack will appear.

I'm not going to write this story based on votes, but I am curious, who should Akane end up with? Should it be Kuno? Ryouga? Kodachi? ...

Seriously though, I really appreciate comments and criticisms, and especially corrections and suggestions.