File 5: Learning to Cope
The purpose of life is not to be happy, but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make a difference that you have lived at all.
-Leo Rosten
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
-Jack Lemmon
"AAAHHHHHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! CONAN-KUUUUUUUUUUN!" Ayumi screamed in her sleep as she dreamed of Conan being shot again.
Her mother and father ran into the room to wake her from her nightmare. They woke the crying girl from her disturbed sleep. Her parents pulled Ayumi into a comforting hug.
Her parents looked at each sadly. She had been like this every night since her friend had been killed a couple of days ago. They felt so helpless. They could not just take away the memory of what happened. The only thing they could do was stay by her side and let her know that they loved her. They were even taking off work and letting her stay home from school. They were saddened that there was not much they could do to help their little daughter.
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"Mom, dad? Can I go back to school?" Ayumi asked tentatively.
Her parents looked at each other with surprise. Ayumi was still waking up from nightmares a week later and she would start crying spontaneously many times a day. They knew the nightmares and tears would continue for a while.
"Are you sure?" her mother asked.
"Yeah…I miss seeing my friends," she said.
Ayumi's father knelt down beside Ayumi and said, "Since you say you feel well enough, then you can go."
"Thanks, daddy," Ayumi said hugging her father.
"But," he said, "if you feel like you need to come home, either me or your mother."
"Okay."
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Genta and Mitsuhiko stood just outside the gate to the school grounds. Both were wearing long faces and looking tired. While they both wanted to get a good night, sleep nightmares kept waking them up.
"Morning," they heard Ayumi say.
She stood by them looking at the ground. Genta and Mitsuhiko could hear Ayumi sniffing. Neither of them knew what to do but they did understand what she was feeling.
Since they considered themselves men, they did not want to let anyone see them cry for no apparent reason. But each night, despite their childish perceptions of themselves, they went to sleep, crying in the arms of their parents.
Genta looked at Ayumi, who was crying a river of silent tears, and then at Mitsuhiko. I want to stop hurting, he thought. I wish Conan were here. He would know what to do.
The last thought had jumped unbidden into his mind. And when he realized that Conan was gone, would never be able to lend his intelligent, mature advice anymore, he began to cry along with Ayumi.
Mitsuhiko began to cry when he saw that Genta was crying because if someone as big and strong a Genta were crying then it would be all right for him to cry.
The three of them grouped together and held each other as they cried. After a few minutes of unashamed tears of loss for their fallen friend, they broke apart.
They looked at each other, realizing that no one wanted to go to school that day but they did not want to be at home either.
Mitsuhiko spoke first, "I don't want to go home or school. Let's go to Professor Agasa's. He'll understand."
Ayumi and Genta shook their heads in agreement.
Emboldened and relived of some sorrow by the presence of good, understanding friends Ayumi added a point, "Yeah. And Ai-chan hasn't come to school, either. She might be sad, too."
With a new resolve, the three of them trotted off to the Professor's house.
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Knock knock
Haibara trotted up the stairs from her research in the lab.
Who might be visiting at this time of the day? she thought.
Opening the door, she was quite surprised to see Ayumi, Genta and Mitsuhiko.
"Morning, Ai-chan," said Ayumi leaning forward looking closely at Haibara's face, "How are you?"
"Yeah, we wondering if you were okay?" said Mitsuhiko.
"We've heard that you haven't been to school either," added Genta.
Haibara blinked and tried to figure out the best answer to the onslaught of questions.
"Ah, well, I've been doing stuff," she finally replied.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Haibara asked sensing this visit had more meaning to it than a couple of kids skipping school.
"Well," said Mitsuhiko, "we were kinda worried about you. You understood Conan-kun better than we did and the professor has known him the longest."
Haibara looked at the three children analyzing the situation with her intelligent mind. Coming to a conclusion, she beckoned them into the house and indicated that they should seat themselves while she got some drinks.
On second thought, I ought to grab some tissue, too. This is not merely a social visit and the situation is bound to become tearful, Haibara reflected. They are applying their own feelings to mine, she thought with her mouth almost quirking up into a half smile.
Returning to the living room, she placed the drinks and tissues on the table and said, "You are really here to talk about Edogawa-kun, aren't you? You feel lost without him, correct?"
Hearing her inner feelings so properly voiced, Ayumi burst into tears. Feeling awkward and yet understanding the child's sadness, Haibara scooted next to Ayumi and wrapped her arms around the girl.
Genta and Mitsuhiko, also, started crying and hugging each other. After a few minutes, the tears subsided some.
Through his tears, Mitsuhiko asked, "Why are you so, so, so…well, you don't look really sad."
Haibara continued to hold Ayumi as she thought about the question. Doing so was not easy with all their eyes trained on her.
"I am sad that he is gone. But just because he has died does not mean that he is forgotten. He taught me things and he was there for me when really I needed him," Haibara paused for a moment and then continued, "he may be dead but that does not mean that he is not my friend any longer. I am a better person for having known him and I am going to honor his memory."
"So, what you mean is he is still our friend if we remember him?" asked Genta.
"And we are all better for having known him?" added Mitsuhiko hopefully.
Smiling at her young friends, Haibara said, "Yes."
The true children of the Detective Boys looked at each other, still feeling sad yet happier that they where beginning to understand.
The professor came down the stairs and was quite surprised to see Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, and Genta.
"Ah…," he tried to say something but was at a loss.
"Professor," asked Ayumi, her old self coming out some, "can we stay here today?" Genta and Mitsuhiko nodded their heads in agreement.
"Well…only if your parents agree and if you stay down here and keep quite. I am doing delicate work upstairs and I can't be disturbed by any noise. If you are too loud I will make you go to school," Agasa said. Then he turned and went to call the Detective Boys parents.
Haibara smiled as she watched the Detective Boys begin to talk animatedly, but quietly, among themselves about upcoming cases they could try solving. She was glad to see that it was true that children bounce back quickly.
I hope they can continue to exhibit this kind of emotional development and maturity at his memorial service in about two weeks, Haibara thought.
This file has been the one of the hardest to write. I found it difficult to write a child's perspective.
I'm glad so many people liked the last file. I don't even think it's my best. Takagi is my favorite cop, too. He's so cuuuuuute!! Sorry, I fan-girled there. But I (hopefully!) got it out of my system.
Personally, I really like next week's file. It practically wrote itself.
One of you made a good point. I do have problems with making dialogue sound natural. I write to get better. I'll revise the whole story right before I post the last file.
Posted: 6-16-04
