Okay…I give up on spoiler alerts for each chapter. At least this chapter and the next two have spoilers and probably the last three will, too. I guess you guys won't know what are spoilers because some of the stuff nobody will see or read for a while. You have been warned.


File 10: Living Dead


A man is not completely born until he is dead.

-Benjamin Franklin

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.

-Albert Einstein


Conan tried to roll over from his back to his side. However, he changed his mind when he was aware that his face was screwing up in pain.

Okay, that is not a good idea, he thought. Damn bullet wound. I don't remember the one in the stomach being as painful. I should ask mom about being propped up. He laughed at himself softly with a touch of irony. But then again, I was in the hospital on lots of drugs. Happy, wonderful pain-killing drugs. I wish I could have some now.

The last thought made him frown. It brought back the memory of asking for pain killing drugs from Haibara.

"I'm sorry, Kudo-kun, but any higher dose and you run a good risk of complications and side effects from way too much medication in you system."

Piffle to her. She doesn't know the pain I'm suffering.

Then he felt guilty remembering the time that Gin had shot her up when she had temporarily changed back.

Okay, maybe she does. I would think she'd be more concerned about complications from the fever I was running and that infection I got. She did mention that it was difficult getting drugs to treat those without raising too much suspicion. I guess I should be a little nicer to her.

I can't believe I slept for almost three weeks. However, mom did mention that I woke up sporadically. I don't remember waking up.

He looked around the room…his room. He took a careful breath and closed his eyes with some contentment.

It's nice being back in my own room. Shinichi's room. Not Conan's. "I hope Haibara figures out the antidote soon," he muttered. "Conan is dead. Shinichi needs to return."

But not in triumphant glory, he smirked sardonically. Better to remain anonymous, or as much as I can for as long as possible. Drawing excessive attention to myself right now would be bad.

He looked at the bedside clock. Relief flooded his body when he realized it was time for his next dose of painkiller. Right on time his mother walked in through the door.

Smiling in her happy way, she asked, "Is Shin-chan ready to have his own beautiful personal nurse give him his pain relief?"

Oh-oh, he thought with a bit of panic, I'd better not say anything about her being a terrible nurse or she won't give the medicine right away. "Yeah!" Conan said in his 'cute boy' voice with the accompanying smile.

"Here you go!" she said cheerfully, handing him the pills.

He looked a little funny at her. "Mom, it usually is easier to swallow pills with water."

Yukiko looked surprised at her forgetfulness and sped out of the room quickly to get a glass of water. "I knew I forgot something!"

Yuusaku walked in through the door carrying a glass of water. "I know your mother won't come back up with water. She'll get sidetracked by something," he said with a wiry grin.

"Heh…that's mom for you," Conan said giving the half-lidded look he made when he thought someone was being stupid.

Switching tracks Conan asked, "When is Hattori coming by?"

"Professor Agasa is bringing him to his house and he'll head over," Yuusaku gave a slightly devious grin, "he's coming over under the pretext of meeting me."

Conan tilted his head in thought as he considered what his father had said. Then he began to smile in a way much like his father's. "So…he has no idea that I'm alive?" "None at all." Then he began chuckling. Conan soon joined in.

"Dad, he's going to be furious," he said shaking his head back and forth almost in disbelief at what was going to happen. "But it should be very funny."

"Should be quite amusing," agreed his father. "However, you do realize he is going to want an explanation, right?"

"Unfortunately. I know he won't quit bugging me till I give him one." But it won't stop me from milking the situation while I can.

Later:

"Oh, and a piece of advice, give Neechan a call soon. She's not taking things too well right now and I think a call would help," said Heiji waving goodbye.

He's right, thought Conan. Ran probably is taking things hard. Better to wait a little while, though. She'll be sensitive from the memorial service. I'll call her in a couple of days.

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Listening to Ran weep he promised, "Ran…I swear I'll do what I can to help you."

After getting off the phone with Ran he sat at the table for a few minutes, his face devoid of any expression that unexpectedly broke into a mask of fury and frustration.

Damn it all!! "DAMN IT!" he yelled banging his fist on the table he sat at, nearly damaging the new voice changing bow-tie, which replaced his water damaged one, that was clenched in that fist. "Why didn't I call sooner?" Berating himself further, he continued, "Why didn't Hattori tell me she was sounding suicidal? He always leaves out the important information! Damn it! Damn him!" he paused, taking a few deep breaths. Putting his face in his hands he whispered, "But…damn me most of all. I should've known. I've lived with her long enough." The adult expression on his face looked odd on his youthful face.

Bringing his hands down from his face, he noticed they were damp. Wiping his eyes carefully he discovered that they were wet.

Looking startled, he realized that he had been crying. When…when did I start crying? He thought back. I think it was when I heard the grief in Ran's voice. "She really thought that Conan and Shinichi are the same person." Which, they are but…, "she thought that I was well and truly dead! No wonder she was grieving so much. I am such an idiot! She's been right to call me a mystery loving idiot all those times! I can't even see what's in front of me!"

I must do what I can to get back to her. "I can't break the promise that I will come back! I can't! If I do, Ran's heart will break."

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"Come on, Haibara! Give me one of the temporary cures!" demanded Conan on a sneak over visit to the Professor's.

"No."

Getting more desperate, he began to beg, "Please! Please…I need to see her. She needs me."

Haibara gave Conan a long measuring look. Relenting a little she said, "I can't give you the temporary cure because it is all wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm somewhat astonished that it had not killed you when you took it. I think that if you took it again it might kill you." Then she turned head on to him and looked straight into his eyes, "If you died from the temporary cure then she would be worse off than she is now. Didn't you tell me you made a few promises?"

He looked guiltily at the floor. I did and I can't break them. I just can't. "I'm sorry. You're right. It's just…just that every time I call her she sounds as if she is using my phone call as a lifeline. I can't stand her feeling so depressed because of me."

"She's over 'Conan' dying but…she's so worried about her dad. When I talked to her yesterday, she sounded like she was going to break down."

He looked at the floor, feeling helpless. Haibara had watched his face become forlorn over the past few minutes. She wanted to help but…

I want to tell him I think I'm close to a breakthrough but if it fails, he will become even more despondent. Moreover, I do need him to function.

Haibara turned to walk away from Conan, her own emotions swirling around her. She smiled sardonically at herself. When did I become such a…caring person? What happened to that emotionless, cold scientist?

She stopped and looked back at Conan.

I think I regained my humanity. Kudo, Agasa, Ayumi-chan, and everyone else helped me regain it. Even Mouri-chan and her father. I'm so close to a breakthrough. I can't quit until I succeed.

Haibara turned away and headed down to the lab.

Just hang on a little while, Kudo. You helped me regain my humanity. I will help you regain your true humanity. She smiled to herself.

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Conan picked up his cell phone as it rang, seeing that it was Ran, he answered after taking care to make sure the tie was on the right setting. Just as he was saying 'Hi, Ran' she cut through his words with a joyful voice.

"Dad woke up today!" Ran said sobbing with happiness.

"That's really good news," said Conan with relief, through his bow tie. "Over all, how is he?" he asked almost tentatively.

"The doctors were afraid he would be suffering from amnesia or memory loss but he recognized me and mom just fine. And he's really grouchy about being laid up because of his broken back and…and…he's alive, Shinichi! My dad is alive! He wasn't taken from me," Ran said becoming wound up the more she spoke.

Conan sensed the need to change the topic slightly. "How did he take seeing your mom?"

"I think he looked a little surprised. But he was nice to her and I think he was happy to see her."

Conan listened to Ran continue to speak about her father and mother's reunion. He smiled because Ran was happy about her dad was getting better and about how her parents were getting along.

The past fifteen days have been rough, he thought. She has been worried about her father. I'm glad that he woke up and seems to be relatively okay. But he may have to retire.

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A couple of days later he lay on the sofa in his house, staring up at the ceiling. An arm and one of his legs hung off it, his eyes glazed over as he stared into nothingness.

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored. He looked towards his father's study with all the mysteries he loved to read. I'm even bored with reading.

He looked at the clock on the wall. Damn! Ran won't be back from school for a while, so I can't call her.

He looked toward the window with its curtains drawn. I want to go outside and kick around a soccer ball. I want to go over to the Professor's. I want to look out the window, even, damn it!

"But noooooooo! Today just has to the day it seems like the whole street is out having a block party," he said sarcastically to himself. "I knew my dad wasn't kidding when he said 'cabin fever' but still…they could've at least left the cable on!"

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"I take back what I said a few days ago," Conan muttered, "Now, I'm bored!"

Pacing, he thought, I thought things couldn't get any worse but I was wrong. He muttered under his breath, "I swear they're having a pot-luck or barbeque right in front of my gate! There are repair men in the neighbor's yard behind the house. Th professor looks like he has a scientists' convention going on next door and the other neighbors are the ones hosting the free-for-all food!"

Almost yelling, he said, "I want something, anything to happen!"

Then, the house telephone rang loudly in the emptiness of the house, it's ring echoing through the building. Shinichi nearly jumped out of his pants. Looking at the phone for a moment while it continued to ring, he tried to decide whether to answer or not.

It's not like anyone is supposed to be here but you never know if it's someone that knows who is here.

"Hello?" he said tentatively.

"Kudo," he nearly wet himself when he heard his name but calmed down after the next couple of words, "you need to carry your cell phone around."

"Haibara, you scared me half to death," Conan said feeling a little peeved that he had been caught off guard.

"Come over tonight," Haibara paused, "I'm reasonably certain I've perfected an antidote."


And that's all for this chapter. I know this chapter jumps around but I wanted to fill in the blanks in the time-line and prepare for the next chapter.

Posted: 7-21-04