Theme song intro
Animal Crossing: Strange But True
Some facts about the game you never knew
You'll find these facts right outta the blue
So stay tuned... here's our cue!
Cut to show host
Tom Nook: Hello, everyone, welcome to Animal Crossing, strange but true, the place where you can learn all about your favorite characters and their background stories! Timmy and Tommy, why don't you tell us who we'll be introducing today!
Timmy: Today we'll be introducing Tortimer and his career life!
Tommy: Life!
Tom Nook: That's right! You'll get to learn all about your famous mayor! Roll tape.
Silence
Tom Nook: Roll Tape!
Silence
Tom Nook: Sorry, we're kinda new at this. ROLL TAPE!!!
Silence
Tom Nook: Timmy... Tommy... go wake up the editor.
Timmy: Right.
Tommy: Right.
Silence
Tom Nook: While we're waiting, I can tell you all about our great new deals at-
TAPE ROLLING
Tortimer the Mayor is proudly known as the mayor of your very own town. He works hard every single day to make sure you can live in your town peacefully. No one really knows where he lives, but we'll let you in on the inside secret. Some day you might see a large shell by the beach. Well, the truth is, Tortimer lives in his shell. He works there every day. It gets cramped a bit, and there really is no place to use the bathroom, but hey, it's cheap, right? Anyway, since we're letting out secrets, we'll tell you another one. Tortimer is not only the mayor of your town, but he is the mayor of every town ever made. It's almost like a conspiracy. He travels a lot, so he also does a lot of his work on the train. Tortimer also has a lot of hobbies. One of them is Kung Fu. He doesn't really need his walking stick – it's all an act. He uses it for self defense in case the FBI (Federal Bunny Industry) Happens to want to get revenge on him. We'll tell you why Bunnies all over the world want to get revenge on him after this break.
Ba ba ba ba baaaaa
I'm luvin it
McDonulds
And now back to our show...
Why the Bunnies don't like Tortimer is... well, you see, it all started on a bright sunny day. Back then, when Tortimer was a youngun, Bunnies were also called Hares. And Tortimer was mostly known as 'The Tortoise.' So one day The Hare came up to The Tortoise and challenged him to a race. Now Tortimer was still wise when he was young, and he thought for a moment. He agreed, and they raced. Tortimer, sadly, was way behind the Hare, so the Hare sat down for a nap. Well, Tortimer passed the Hare while he was napping and won the race. So now Hares everywhere are trying to get revenge. One time, they almost succeeded in assassinating Tortimer. Here's some footage of the event-
Tortimer is standing by the Wishing Fountain. Suddenly, two Bunny ninjas come up behind him, clinging to ropes from a helicopter. He swings around and does a Matrix limbo move as they throw knives at him. He quickly beats one with his cane, spinning around rapidly. He then-
We are sorry, but the rest is too violent for our younger viewers. If you are 13 years of age or over, please call us at 1-800-ANI-MALZ and make your check for eighty dollars payable to Animal Crossing Strange But True Inc. Thank you.
Anyway, back to our story. Tortimer, as you can see, is an amazing animal. To sum it all up, he is probably the most wealthy, healthy, and stealthy. He's one mean, green, leader machine.
He's an old, bold, courageous young fellow,
with a hearty good laugh and a mighty good bellow.
He sings in his shell all day and all night,
his face beams with laughter, shining so bright.
Tom Nook: Hold it right there! No more rhymes, chimes, or annoying small songs! I'll punch you in the face, and your mind will go "DING DONG" So there you go, sweet and sound, off to bed, right there on the ground. With a rock for a pillow and some grass for a sheet, next you will ask for something to EAT!
Stay Tuned for the next issue! Please read and review.
