Animal Planet!

By JouYu

DISCLAIMER: We know this is a shock to you, but...WE DON'T OWN YU-GI-OH!!!!

Chapter One

Marik's Spell That Shoulda Gone Right, But Didn't!

"Wow, guys! I can't wait 'til we get there! It's gonna be so cool!" Yugi chattered happily as the gang walked down the street.

"I dunno, Yug. I haven't seen this place yet...but this invitation says it's around here somewhere," Joey replied, scowling at the little white paper in his hand.

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO A DISPLAY OF MAGICAL PHENOMENA!
12345 Happy House Drive SHOW STARTS AT 10:30 AM!

"It sure sounds fishy to me," grumbled Tea. "I'd have to say that I've never heard of Happy House Drive." Joey made a noise of agreement.

"Ah, c'mon guys!" Yugi protested cheerily. "Just 'cause we've never heard of it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!"

The other three cast him an exasperated look. "Yugi, your problem is that you're too bubbly, happy and optimistic," Tristan said. Yugi's eyes widened in shock.

"What?!" he exclaimed. "Nuh-uh! I'm just looking on the bright side of things!"

"Yep. Optimistic."

"What's wrong with that?!"

"Hey...look at that...sign," Joey said flatly, pointing at a rather peculiar street sign ahead of them. It was a normal sign, except for the fact that is looked like it had been made by a three-year-old high on sugar.

"Well, we're here!" Yugi chirped. "See? I TOLD you!"

The others looked at him, then back at the suspicious sign. "I dunno, guys. Does anyone else get the feeling that the sign was especially put here just for us?" asked Tea, glaring at the piece of paper taped onto the street sign.

"Yeah," Tristan agreed. "I'm pretty sure this street is called something else."

"Something Else Street? That's about as stupid as Happy House Drive!" Joey said with a laugh.

Tristan slapped his face. "No, Joey, you idiot! It's...never mind."

Yugi began to bounce up and down, flailing his arms. "Oh, come on, guys! Stop wasting time! Let's get in there already!"

"But, Yugi...don't you think it looks just a LITTLE bit suspicious?" asked Tea. "I mean, look at the house! It's practically falling apart!"

"But that's the cool part!" Yugi protested. "What better place to have a creepy magic show than in a creepy old house?!"

His three friends sighed.

"Alright, you win. Let's get this over with," Tristan grumbled, opening the door and stepping inside.

Tea immediately clamped her hand over her nose upon stepping in the house. "Eeewwww!" she squawked in a nasal voice. "It SMELLS like it HASN'T been CLEANED in a WEEK!"

"Ehehe, I think I know why," said Joey, pointing ahead of them.

"What are YOU doing here, mutt?!" a familiar, angry voice called out.

"Hello to you to, Kaiba," Joey said pleasantly. "Sheesh, man! Don't you rich people know what baths are?"

Kaiba glared daggers at Joey. "WHAT? It's not ME stinking this house up; it's YOU! You filthy, dirty, slimy, mangy dog!"

"YOU JUST SAY THAT AGAIN!" Joey roared, attempting to tackle Kaiba to the floor. Fortunately, Tea and Tristan held him back. "Hey! Leggo! Lemme at him!"

"And what have we here?" a smooth voice asked, causing Joey to groan.

"Not her...my day is getting worser by the second..." he whined.

"What, aren't you happy to see me?" Mai asked sweetly. "And, you might not know this but, 'worser' isn't a word."

"I don't give a damn," Joey said hotly.

"I say! Who's using foul language in here?" asked a British accent.

"Hey, Bakura! You're here too, huh?" Tristan asked, slapping the white-haired boy on the back.

"Seto...when's the magic show gonna start?" asked a small voice from behind Kaiba.

Joey's face lit up in an evil grin. "Whhhaaaattt? Kaiba bwought his wittle bwother? How cute!" he cackled.

"One more word, mutt, and you won't be recognizable," Kaiba told him calmly.

"Ah, shut up, chicken boy."

"CHICKEN BOY?! SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU LIMP NOODLE!"

"DDDDIIIIEEEE!"

At that moment, the door to the hallway opened of its own accord. "Right this way, please," an oddly familiar voice floated out to them.

"Hey, guys. Is it just me, or did that sound like...Marik?" Tea asked slowly.

Joey snorted in amusement. "Marik? Marik! Haha! MARIK can't do magic! All he can do is swing that stick of his around and make people his 'obedient mind slaves!' " he cackled, mimicking the Egyptian.

"SILENCE! Uh...ahem. Follow me, please," the voice intoned.

"You're right, Tea! That did sound like Marik!" Yugi exclaimed worriedly.

"Oi."

"Well, what are we waiting for, people? Let's go see some magic!" Joey said, clapping his hands and bounding merrily into the pitch black hallway.

"You're an idiot, Wheeler," Kaiba sighed as he made to walk into the hallway.

Joey stopped bounding and held up a hand to block Kaiba's way. "No, no no! I said PEOPLE!" he said evilly.

"Then I guess that means YOU need to step aside!" snapped Kaiba, shoving Joey out of his way.

"DITDITDITDIT!" Joey growled incomprehensibly.

"Yeah, you're dit, all right."

"KAAAIIIIIBBBAAAAA...!" Joey screeched. However, he was cut off by a cage falling out of nowhere and trapping the group inside of it.

"I say! Where did this come from?" Bakura exclaimed, tapping one of the cage's iron bars.

"Gee, that's a toughie! I dunno; THE CEILING?!" Joey roared in his face.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Bakura apologized, bowing his way into a corner to escape Joey.

Suddenly, panels in the ceiling slid aside, and gun-like machines pointed down at everyone inside the cage.

"Those look like guns!" Joey exclaimed as though he had made the most ingenious observation.

"Congrats, Wheeler. Did you figure it out all by yourself, or did Yugi have to help you?" Kaiba sneered. "Anyway...here's a doggy treat for you!"

"Kaiba, I swear—"

Joey didn't get to finish swearing, though. At that exact moment, the gun-things opened fire and...out came greenish, smelly gas.

"Eew, fart gas," Joey said, staring meaningfully at Kaiba.

"Go to he—" Kaiba began. He was not allowed to finish, however, before he keeled over onto the ground, fast asleep.

"...What...happened?" asked Yugi groggily, attempting and failing to rub his eyes. He became wide awake upon noticing that he was tied to a chair, and so was everyone else. "Huh? What's going on here? Surely this isn't part of the magic show..."

"Excellent deduction, Sherlock!" a too-familiar voice cackled insanely.

"MARIK!" Yugi exclaimed angrily.

"Yeah! It's me!" squeaked Marik happily, giving himself a hug.

"I think he's finally lost his mind," Joey noted sleepily beside Yugi.

"He never HAD a mind to begin with, mutt!"

"Seto! I'm scared!"

"It's okay, Mokuba. I won't let the mindless, insane maniac hurt you!"

Marik stopped his cheery act at these words. "I am NOT a maniac! And I'm NOT mindless OR insane, either!"

"Oh; coulda fooled me," said Tristan conversationally.

"SILENCE, YOU BUFFOONS!" Marik screeched.

"Yep, that's Marik," Joey said, as if there had been any doubt.

"I SAID SILENCE! Ahem. Welcome, my most...PRESTIGIOUS guests," he began sarcastically.

"Prestigious, my arse!" grumped Joey from his chair.

Marik continued on in his speech, ignoring him for the time being. "Today, I have a most WONDERFUL surprise for you all!"

"Oh, cut the drama and get to the point!" said Kaiba with a bored yawn.

"SILENCE, BUFFOON!"

"Hey! I'm not the buffoon; YOU ARE!"

"I SAID SILENCE! THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND YOU DO WHAT I SAY IN MY HOUSE! GOT THAT?!" Marik shouted in Kaiba's face.

"Did you know you spit when you talk?"

"GRR!" Marik growled, giving Kaiba a sound smack before taking his place next to his table. "Anyway. I shall now turn you all into sniveling little animals! Bwahahahahahaha!"

"You mean, like, kitties and stuff?" asked Joey stupidly.

"No, Joey; he means like pet rocks," Tea replied dryly.

"Oh! I don't...get it."

"Oi."

"SILENCE while I recite the spell! If you mess me up, it'll all go WRONG!" Marik hissed, picking up his paper.

"Okay everyone, say 'crap' when he starts!" Joey said loudly.

Kaiba gave a little chuckle. "Well, we all know what Joey's gonna be!"

Joey narrowed his eyes. "Well, I know what you're gonna be, too: A SLUG!"

"WHHHHAAAAT?!"

"A little bit o' salt, and bye bye, Kaiba!"

"YOU LITTLE IMP!"

"Okay...so maybe a snail, then! But salt still kills them!"

"I promise to hit you with my limousine when you're a dog!"

"I don't think snails can drive..."

"SSSSSIIIIILLLLLEEEEENNNNNCCCCEEEEE!" Marik shouted. "Now, I begin."

Everything was quiet for a few moments as Marik recited Egyptian words off of his spell paper. Joey squirmed in his seat, not in the least bit anxious to find out what animal he was going to be turned into. Suddenly, he yelled out, "CRAP!" as Marik came to the key part of the spell.

"Joey! What did you do that for?" asked Yugi, watching Marik finger the paper angrily. "If you messed him up...the spell could go WRONG!!"

"Ah, phooey."

Suddenly, the crystal ball beside Marik began to glow! "The spell is working! Even if you DID mess me up!" the Egyptian cackled maniacally. A light beam then shot out of the crystal ball and began to bounce on the victims' heads. Mai was the first to be touched. As the light touched her head, there came a POOF! and a puff of smoke.

The light continued on down the row of people, stopping at Yugi. Or so Marik thought. But to his horror, as soon as Yugi vanished in a puff of smoke, the light turned its attention to Marik. "What?! NO! NO! NOOOOOoOOooooooOooo...." It hit him on the head. POOF!


JY: And yes, we quoted Mulan in this chapter. So kill us.