His Lingering Caress

Written by: L. Amari Espris

Chapter Two

Reality of Nightmares

I feel numb all over. I don't recall what has happened since the darkness engulfed me. I don't know where I am right now either. All I see is a realm of night. I wonder if someone has blindfolded me and kidnapped me. Ah, I'm thinking such foolish things right now, but still†I wonder if I'm in my dreamland.

It's so odd. My dreams are usually those with color, but right now, it's nothing. Not a single color is in sight. This must be a dreamless slumber for me, huh? I'm guessing that's what it is.

"Usa," I hear an echoing somewhere. I feel my body tensing up by that voice, listening more closely for the direction of it. There's something so vague about it, and yet, it's all too memorable to me. Who's calling me?

"Usagi," a different voice taunts. This one sends cold shivers running through my spine and fingertips. There's an eerie feel to this one. Unlike the first one, I don't want to hear it anymore. I dread this one for some reason, but I don't understand why I do. "Usagi!" it screams at me this time. Gods, help me. I don't want to be here anymore. Save me from this place. Someone help me!

"Help" I hear myself trailing off. I start to see some distinct images now, but it's still not in color. It's rather the converse. It's in the shades of a grayscale: black and white with the occasional grays as shadings. I see an image of myself now, slinking away from some darkened place, covered in blackened shades that resemble bruises and scars. "Help meâ€save me," begs the image of me, painfully failing away. Gradually, the picture vanishes and I'm left in the shadows again. What's going on here?

"Usagi-chan" the mocking sing-song voice calls out again. I know it's a male's voice. There's no doubt about it if it's low and raspy like that. "Come play with me," he summons me with his deranged sounding accent. I feel a huge plunging sensation in my lower abdomen and a contrasting, freezing grip on my heart. The clutch tightens when a cackling of laughter erupts from behind me, but when I move to look, all that I am greeted with are looming silver lined shadows. Kami, what's happening to me?

I jump and scream again with all my might when I sense a chilling grip of a large hand around my hip. I try to ward off the hand, but it's no use. The hand only constricts even more around my boney area, sending waves of excruciatingly murderous shakes and glacial burns throughout my entire being. This is too real to be a dream.

Another chorus of chortles fills the gloomy atmosphere and a pair of abnormally dull grey orbs suddenly comes into my clear vision. It is him again. Without a single damned doubt, it's him. The one I've grown to fear all my life. It's him who claimed my soul so long ago. His whole self comes into view and I shriek, a wetness flowing down my tender cheeks. He's here.

His overcastted ash hued eyes, glistening ginger dyed mane, cynically up curled and pale lips, tall, copper tanned form, and his large youthful hands. It's all here. He's all here with meâ€alone.

"Did you miss me, my love?" he chortles, insanely.

As I suffer from his lethal wring around my neck, rushed, heartrending moments from my childhood flicker in the back of my mind. The vacant expressions upon my loved ones' blood stained features comes first. Following shortly after is the memory of the stiletto wounds that were found in one of their bodies during a police investigation, fresh crimsoned liquid still seeping from the open punctures of the cadaver. Another memory of a beloved bleeding copiously on the coldly tiled ground trails along. The last scene is the one that still continues to traumatize me beyond any reasons of repair.

A small boy had run up to a long, light haired child with fair, childish features, no older than ten. Spreading his short arms and legs as far and wide as he was able to, he shields the girl from a terrible happening. Cataclysmic screams had erupted from the both of them when a long line of firings of a silver coated gun pierced through the boy's back. Almost immediately, endless pouring of his sultry, scarlet bodily fluid seeped from the disastrous shots. The male child died instantaneously.

"You'll be like them soon, you pathetic girl," my worst fear hisses at me. I thrash about in his hold, swinging my legs at his body. Finally, my legs come in contact with his middle and his gripping arm and he releases me from his mangling control. I catch my breath as I try my best to run away from the man before me, fear evidently pounding against my dying heart. It is a deathly blunder to do such a thing as running away. I perceive a sound of a gun clicked out of the safety mode, and a creaking in the trigger key.

'I'll die now, huh?'

A gunshot rings out in my silhouetted ambit and I experience a raw hurt in my left shoulder. I relief a deafening shriek from my already depleted throat. The pain was intolerable. I can still feel myself screaming until—

"USAGI!"

"Usa, wake up!"

"USA!"

"Wake up already, Odango!" —the voices I know all too well booms in the depths of my ears. I can't wake from this dream, though. How can I?

"Open your eyes, please!" another recognizable tone beckons me. Hoy, can't they see I can't open my eyes? I'm dying here! Or at least, I feel like I'm dying. I still feel the pain at least. This is too confusing.

I become aware of myself being pulled into a strong but gentle embrace and a whispered words of, "Usako, please," against my ear. Only one person has ever called me by that name†Chiba Mamoru. Why is he here?

My world of dreams dims a little. It's no longer the lonesome shade of black, but a glowing, warm shade of white, the color of the angels. Purity. I follow the lighting a little and I encounter the same cobalt eyes that I've grown to hate so muchâ€I think. The eyes are different this time. Instead of them being emotionless, they're clouded over and filled with an emotion that, I think, is one called concern. Finally I get a time long enough to figure out some emotion in him. This isn't how I quite planned it to be like, on the other hand, wrapped up in a warm hug and securely tucked in the crook of his well built arm, gazing up at himâ€and on my bed.

"Damn it, Usagi!" hollers the Chiba pig after I had kicked him in the abdomen, sending him flying off my cozy bed with a rather soundly thud. I notice the rest of the people in my room then. Rei, Minako, Makoto, and Ami are standing off to the side, undaunted and yet perplexed. Guess I must've startled them, huh?

"Who told you that you're allowed in here, Chiba?" I try to growl, but it turns into more of a curious and surprise questioning than the former. The bigot just stands up and strays to the other side of my room, leaning against my cream colored wall. He shoots me a slight smile and rises up an eyebrow of his. Why does he always have to tease me? Just once, I'd like a straight, truthful answer. I cross my arms upon my chest, sitting with crossed legs on the edge of my divan. The whole 'be tough' look is kind of spoiled since I feel my cheeks give off a pretty warm glow. Damn my body.

"Hey, Odango, that's not really nice. First, you went kicking and screaming out of no where, and then you kicked Makoto in her poor stomach when she came over to your side, and now you do the same with Mamoru. What's the matter with you?" I hear my fiery friend say, indifferently. I want to yell at her and tell her the whole thing, but I decide against it. Out of all of my friends, Naru and Mina are the only two who know about my past. Naru found out because she saw the bruises and scars on my body once at school in the changing rooms. Minako, on the other hand, pretty much tricked me into telling her. Ah, my lovely chocolate ice cream sundae†I pity it for being treated that way by my cruel double.

"Iâ€I was just—ah—having a nightmare. That's all, Rei," I lie. Well, it's not really a lie. I was having a nightmare of some sort, even if it felt too real to be truly a nightmare. I still feel the sharp pain in my shoulder after all. Unconsciously, my hand reaches up to the sore spot where I was shot in my dream and begins to rub it gently. Yep. The pain's still there. "Anyway," I start, trying to find a way to change the subject. I don't want to talk about my dream. "What are you guys doing here? What happened?" All I receive are blank stares. "What?" Did I say something wrong?

Minako's the first to give voice. "Usa, you don't remember? You†Last night? You don't remember last night?" I tilt my head to the side while giving her a confused expression. What about last night? All I remember was seeing—

"Him" I mutter under my breath. I remember seeing him and then running off somewhere. The next thing I remember is warmth. Someone was holding last night. Gods, why now? Out of all the places and all the times in my life, why now? I've began to forget about him, and he appears in front of me from no where in particular. Chiba's voice brought me back from my thoughts.

"You got scared by something, Usagi. Or should I say" He walks up to me, stopping when he's right in front of the place I am sitting at. His gaze never fades or leaves my own intense one. He finishes with a low murmur of, "someone?" He's sharp. I take a giant and noticeable gulp of air. My throat seems moderately dry. "The next thing I knew you were running and screaming. You ran all the way to the park, amazingly enough." So that's where I ran off to! Wow! I really ran that far?

"Mamoru was the one who got you to stop. If he hadn't stopped you, it wouldn't be surprising if you had gotten caught by someone else, someone worse. Or ran over by a car†You had all of us worried, Usa." I gaze up at my blonde and blue companion, a knowing look in her eyes. She knows what happened. She knows why I ran. I have to explain myself to her later. I just know it.

I avert my gaze from everyone's sight, directing it to the silvery white sheets of my bed. I can't explain this to everyone. I don't want to explain it to anyone actually. I don't want to remember him or anything relating to him. I don't want to remember what happened to me, but my friends are worried and of course they would have questions. They wouldn't be my friends if they didn't care about what happened to me. I remain silent, however, as I hear Minako sigh.

"Usagi, we want to know what happened down at the club. Why did you run like that?" Rei argues. Makoto makes a grunt in agreement with the priestess. I remain in my place, silent and unmoving. How am I supposed to answer her? How can I answer her at all?

Ami joins in, saying, "Usagi, if you don't want to tell us, we won't pressure you to. We're all worried about you—very much. The guys are, too, but they had to leave earlier, so they weren't able to be here with you." Leave it to Ami to be a little more sympathetic and understanding than the hotheaded one.

"But you have to tell us sometime. If someone's hurting you, tell us. I'll beat them down to the point that they'll fear your very presence!" declares my macho friend, Mako. I smile and chuckle a little, but I know it'd be impossible for her to deal with the likes of him. The very thought of him sends shivers running up and down my spine. I wouldn't be surprised if it did for everyone. He's just too scary to look at. Period.

"Why don't you tell us, girl? Who were you running away from?" the hothead commands. I give her a glare of death, but it doesn't faze her. It never did. I uncross my legs and arms. I lean backwards with a deep sigh, sinking into the soft, silky sheets. I close my eyes, but only see his face again. Despite the troubling image, I keep my eyes closed while replying in a surprisingly cool voice,

"Who said I was running away from anyone?"

"Who would ever run away like the way you did if they weren't? You were frightened, Usa. You got scared by someone in that club and ran for your life. There's no use denying that fact. It's true and you know it." Damn that Chiba and his intelligence. Wait. I've already cursed him for that, haven't I? Oh, well. No harm in curing it again. Damn it!

"Even if I was running away from someone I feared, if that's even true—" I open my eyes to look at him. "—why would I even want to tell someone like you, Chiba?" My voice sounds so cold that it shocks me. I'm being so mean to him now and, no matter how much I hate to admit it, I feel guilty. His jaw tightens and his knuckles turn a slight paler color compared to his lovely tanned skin from his clenching fist. I've made him mad.

"You're right. Why would you tell me? I'm only being concerned about you right now. Why would you tell me?" His words are twice as cold as mine, but they hit the mark. He has really good aim. Damn him and his good targeting abilities, too. I wince, unnoticeably I hope, at his choice of words, but I still hold my gaze proudly but silently. His beautiful navy eyes darken a shade and the usual light that is in there fades away. Even like this, he's still so damn handsome. Gods

"Usagi, he's stayed with you the whole time. He's the one who brought you home, too. Not once has he left you," Rei hisses at me. "And once you're awake, you're being heartless towards him. Really now. Just tell us what happened, will you? Or do I have to fish it out of you?"

"You do that and I'll make sure you regret it, Hino Rei," I threaten, each word that I utter coated with acrimony. I can sense her dagger-like glare at me, but I ignore it. "If any of you try to get it out of me, I'll make you all payâ€dearly. Don't think I can't," I continue with the same amount of malice in my tone of voice. Someone stop me. I don't want to lose any more people.

"I need to talk to her alone, everyone. Please leave," Minako quietly speaks. Thank you, Mina, for saving my poor butt! I wonder what she has to say to me, though. It'd be no surprise if it's about him. Rei starts to protest, but Mina comebacks with a calm word of "Please." Rei then stomps out of my room, followed by some other footsteps. The womanizer didn't leave just yet. He still stands there, gazing down at my splayed out form. Furrowing my brows, I emit a low snarl from the back of my throat. When will he leave?

"Things that you choose to remain unsaid can harm you more than you know, Usako," he murmurs in his low voice, just above a whisper. "It'll hurt you more than you know." What does he mean by that? Then, he leaves, closing the door with a soft click. Why does he always have to be such a gigantic enigma to me? To everyone else, he's more open. Towards me, he's always teasing, never serious, always touching me and holding me, and so much more. Basically, he's always a jackass around me and I don't understand it. I gave up trying to understand him after the first few weeks of meeting him. I just complain because it feels nice to release some held-in steam.

Forgetting all about him and my other friends for the moment, I sit up from my resting spot and glance at the concern filled Mina. 'How am I supposed to tell her without her protecting me like a mother hen later?' I query myself, aggravated. 'I don't want her to become involved in this at all. I don't want anyone to get hurt or die because of me againâ€I'll make sure of that.' My throat constricts slightly at the mere thought of my loves coaxed in their own blood amongst dismal shadows of the night. 'No. I won't allow that to happen no more.' Minako's silently serene voice tingles in my ears.

"Usagi, don't keep this all to yourself. We all want to help you. I want to help you." She glides towards me and takes a seat besides me. Slowly, the beautiful maiden takes hold of my pale and small hand and gives a gentle squeeze. After taking a short glimpse at our hands I tilt it upwards to meet her glistening crystalloid eyes. "I still remember that day, Usa. Remember? I threatened your lovely entrée and you caved in and told me." She laughs a little at the memory as do I. "You told me about your past. I still remember everything you told me," she whispers under her breath as if to recall the details of my tale to herself, but I hear her anyway.

It's true I did tell her. But, it was only small details of some parts here and there. I've never told anyone the complete story about my past. She must've noticed that fact if she's talking to me like this right now. As I predicted, she continues with her words, peering straight into my soul, but I block her out. She can't know. I won't allow her, out of everyone that I know, to get hurt by what happened to me. She realizes that I've created a barrier around my heart, and she narrows her eyes dangerously.

"You're not telling me everything, Usa." That sounds more like a condemning statement than a curious inquiry. Her voice is still as soft and calm as ever much to my immense surprise. Her patience and maturity level is far beyond our age group. She's a wonderful woman because of this trait especially. I already know she'll be a wonderful mother.

"You're right," I answer her with a voice just barely audible enough for her to hear. "I'm not telling you everything. I've only told you the gist of it." I'm being brutally honest here and it sucksâ€big time. I hate this." My gaze never wavering, I continue, "But it's nothing that horribly serious, Mina." Well, that's not really a lie. "I've never told it to anyone before. I don'tâ€want to tell it to anyone until I'm ready. Just, please†Try to be tolerant enough of me. For my sake," I plead.

"I know I'm asking too much of you as well as everyone else, but you have to understand" I pause for a quick breath, but it's difficult with my ever tightening throat. "My familyâ€the ones that I loved so muchâ€they all died an inhumane death because of me. All of themâ€all of them" Taking notice of my space out again, I check myself and go on with my placid explanation of my stubborn behavior. "I will not take that risk again, Mina. I won't allow it to happen again. It must hurt you to know that your 'best friend' isn't telling you the whole truth, huh?" I manage a weak, ironic smile as I note the softened expression upon her facial features. "It hurts, but if I tell you, believe me†It will hurt you more than you know. It will hurt more than now.

"You know that I trust you the most, Mina. I trust you so much and I love you just as much. That's why I can't tell you. Please, understand that much. I will tell you when I'm ready, but for now, I'm not. And don't pressure me like everyone else. With them stressing me like this way, I'm losing my confidence and belief in still living here, in this place and even in this life at all. If you join them, I'll be a broken soul and mind all over again.

"I need your support, Minako. I need it so much. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you. I'm sorry that I'm hurting everyone like I am now. I don't regret it, though. Even if I lose your trust and your friendshipâ€if you're safe from harm, then I'll cope with it. I don't know what else I can say, Mina. I'm just—" I stop when I feel a slight moisture sliding against my flushed cheeks. I've not cried in so long

I feel small droplets of liquid on my hand as well. I take a closer look at Minako's face. Ah, well, at least I'm not the only one crying here. She sniffles a little and smiles at me, knowingly and compassionately. I still have her love. I give her a smile of forever gratitude in return for her thoughtfulness. I knew I can believe in her.

So, here we are, sitting together, weeping together, smiling together, laughing together. The girls, including the bigot, outside must be wondering what's going on in here. First, it's silent. Now, the room's filled with laughter from us two crying twins. How odd is that? My heart feels lighter than before. No more pain to be tugging and sniping at my poor heart. For now at least. For the time being, I'm forgetting the pain and my sufferings. In the interim, I'm chatting and giggling with one of my beloved best friends, my radiant Apollo gold and shimmering Poseidon azure twin.

By the time we've finished chatting away, it was already dusk. Well, it seemed like it. It's hard to keep in check with the time when you're having too much fun goofing around with your pals, you know? The girls had been banging at the door when they heard us two twins screaming and kicking the walls. Chiba had accidentally locked my bedroom door. Either they thought we were killing each other orâ€something else. In reality, we were having a very immature pillow fight, and I was winning by a landslide. Oh, what a terrible twist of fate!

One of the girls had found a way to open the door and they all ended up landing in a massive dog pile from making an effort to enter all at once. Teaches them a lesson about patience, right? If I remember accurately enough, Ami was on the bottom of everyone. Next came Makoto and then Chiba, who was trying his hardest not to squash the two below him with his weight, then Rei, who destroyed the poor man's concentration and the two girl's physical safety. It was really funny to watch them all struggle to stand all at once. They kept stumbling over one another and my brutal friend, the amazingly strong brunette, looked as if she was ready to beat the raven haired male above her for accidentally grabbing her thigh for stability.

Mina and I just sat on the far edge of the twin sized bed with two pillows in each hand and another one resting indescribably tattered and flattened in the space between the two of us. We were watching the spectacle with immeasurable interest, mirth plainly shown on our fair faces. In our minds, we thought, 'How lucky we are to, one, not be in their terrible position and, two, to be able to witness such a catastrophe.' We waited uncomplainingly for all of them to stand up properly. Their faces reddened and contorted with confusion and frustration and then sighed in tandem.

"What's there to sigh about, Odango?" the fierce priestess had exclaimed in provocation. I just gave her a simple, innocent smile, as did my look-alike. "Better yet, why didn't you help us?" Our smiles widened instantly, changing into a devilish and fearful grin. Rei faltered in her step and squeaked as she moved a few footsteps backwards, towards the corner wall. She must've guessed what was going to come next. The rest seemed to fidget in their places. So, they've finally caught on to what was happening. They were a little too late in moving away from us two lethal and armed blondes. The next few moments went something like this for me and not Mina because she got every person right on the dot:

Target One: POOF! Hit. Successfully ruffled and flustered male.

Target Two: CRASH! Missed. Failed overwhelmingly by a kilometer.

Target Three: MEOW! Wrong target. Failed dreadfully, but ludicrously.

Target Four: SCREAM! A ricochet. Failed completely, but successfully angered female.

"Usagi!" I smiled sheepishly at my ruffled friend beside me. Was it my fault that Makoto dodged from me so quickly that I ended up hitting my ally? POOF! Guess so.

Minako's fifth target's thoughts: Offendedâ€and in need of a temperament control.

Now, it was war. I had lost my ally anyway.

I made a reach to claim the fluffy cushion underneath my foot. It was botched when my view was obstructed by a fluff of cottony indigo. The pillow landed with a silent thump beside my stretched out hand and I stared at it, shocked and off guard. That was a mistake. In less than a couple of minutes, I was encased in a tomb composed of countless pillows and cushions from the couch in my living room. Why must my so-called friends betray me this way? Ay, such misery befalls the fair, light maiden such as me.

My terrible fate marked the end of the short-lived war against the terrible women before meâ€and my once trustworthy colleague. All of us took our time cleaning up the whole apartment and no one spoke of my odd moment in waking up earlier that day. Guess the pillow fight had lightened up the moods and worries, huh? Well, at least I think it did. Mina and I were a little more silent than the others, but it went unnoticed. We both have a lot to think about, I should say.

Now, I'm lying in my bed again at three in the morning with my silver sheets half strewn on the cold carpeting of my bedroom and myself. Luna crawls up to me and plants a warm kiss on my cheekbone. 'She must know how I feel.' I smile at her and whisper to the feline a simple good night. She responds with a mewl and curls up around my neck, her head resting just below my chin and on my neck. I listen to her purring and feeling the rising and falling of her small body as she takes steady breaths. It's soothing me plenty.

"Tsukino, you need to get a grip of yourself and face your fears! You can't keep running away like this," I scold myself. I turn to lie on my stomach, much to Luna's disappointment. She climbs onto my back and mewls some more before resting on the small of my back. Well, at least I don't have to worry about being cold there now. I continue talking to myself, "If you continue to run from him, then you won't ever find happiness." My little demonic conscience enters to annoy me and question me now.

'Will you even find your happiness? With the way you are now, how can you find what you want?' he jeers. So, I labeled it a 'he.' No big deal, right? Besides, it talks more like an impish male than a serene female.

"Ah, shush up, you stupid conscience. I'll find my happiness. Who knows? I might even be able to find love. Maybe, right?" I'm questioning more to my heart than to my mind. Will I ever find someone to love me? I doubt it. My heart's barriers always come up around males. All adult males, actually. The children never bother me. They're really cute. The little boys always bicker with the girls and always say how disgusting they are and so on; too cute to watch. Shingo was like that, too†"I want to find someone to love," I whisper, hoarsely.

'Will you, really? You're a tainted woman, Usagi. Even more than the worst ones in the world. How can any man—anyone, really—love someone like that?' he retorts. If my consciences were alive, I'd be sure to be best friends with my angelic one and castrate him, then kill him slowly and painfully. Why does my heart and mind do this to me?

But he's right. I'm tainted. I know that. I'm ruined. Spoiled goods. Why would anyone want to love someone like that? I'm someone who can't have love, huh? No one can ever love me. Maybe only a little, but once they find out the truth, they'll throw me away. Just like my ex-fiancée. He tossed me aside and two-timed me with another girl when he learned the truth about me.

"No one will love me" I sigh. "They'll throw me aside and forget about me. Just like Ihara."

'That's right. Men are all like that. When they see something that they can't have in someone, they go and look for another. You were just his toy. It's not like you loved him anyhow.' For a second time, he's right. My devil's winning today. I think he's been winning for over half of my life nowâ€ever since that time.

My beautiful pet stirs a little and stretches along my back. She meows and purrs while taking ginger steps up my spine and towards the base of my neck. She stops there and bends down to rub her whiskers and cute little wet nose against my ear. She calls out to me again and I turn my head to look at her from the corner of my eye. Her sparkling ruby eyes constantly wonder me. They're so beautifulâ€just like her whole self.

Sighing sadly, I slowly turn to lie on my back again and she moves with me. She ends up sitting upon my chest, still peering down at me with her jeweled orbs. I flash her a small smile and sniffle a tad bit to get rid of the depression that's resting in my throat. I need to do this for Luna. She doesn't want to see me cry again. My heart agrees with me on this. I reach up to scratch her behind the ears, a loud hum of purrs emitting from her.

"You're the only one who understands my true pain. Don't you, Luna?" Another meow and louder purring is my only response. Huh, who would've figured? My cat is the only one who still loves me even after knowing all the damaging torture I've been put through. Will my friends ever love me like they do now if I tell them?

I close my eyes and hug Luna close to me, and she lets me. Honestly, I'm so happy I've found her. She's been with me all these years and never once has she run away from me or hates me. Well, except once, but she forgave me after I snuck her a double tuna filled snack behind my parents' backs one night.

I forgot to feed her for the whole day and Shingo, my brother, was the one who fed her dinner. Not at all pleasant for her because it was the wrong kind. He gave her dog food instead of cat food. Poor, poor Luna. I was the one in charge of Luna since I was the one who found her in the streets.

The next day, she ignored me, and when my parents told me about not feeding her the day before, I understood what was wrong. I'd be upset, too. Feeling miserable, I literally begged for her forgiveness and even made her a bigger and more comfy bed in my room, but nothing worked. I knew that tuna was her favorite dish, so during dinner, I stole two tuna cans from our canned foods cabinet and a can opener. In my room, I opened them and she came back in from the rooftop and ate happily. She forgave me almost immediately.

I smile, longingly, at the memories back then. It was all so happy and cheerful. It was just us four back then: Mama, Papa, Shingo, and I. Everything was beautiful to me and I was so innocent and pure. Maybe too innocent and naïve for my own good. For everyone's own well being. Maybe if I had just been more wary and more mature about everything happening around me, I wouldn't have caused all this trouble, all this pain, and all this death.

"It's all my fault, Luna." The feline jerks her fluffy head up and stares at me with wide eyes. Who said animals can't understand us? My cat certainly does. Her purring stops as well as her meowing. All she does is stare at me, her eyes penetrating into my own. "If I only hadn't been so stupid back then," I continue while watching her red eyes narrowing a little. "They might still be alive. And I wouldn't have been this ruined" I feign a smile while saying, "But it's too late, huh? I'll just have to live with my consequences. Right, Luna?" She still remains still and poised, but her nose twitches a little. She doesn't know what to say nor think about that statement of mine. No surprise there. I wouldn't have a thought about it either.

'You have to live with the result of your naïve actions. That's the only way you can go on with your life, Usagi,' my mind, the demon, and soul, the angel, chime inside me. A stray tear cascades down my cheek. There goes my silent oath to Luna and myself. This is the second time I've found myself crying over something this stupid. I'm a reminiscing idiot, aren't I? My feline companion puts a paw on top of my head and meows. Then, she tilts her head towards me and licks away the salty tear flowing down. I only have Luna who loves me completely. My pet

Showing her a true smile of adoration and gratitude, I complete the last conversation for this night with the words, "Let's sleep now, Luna. We have work to do tomorrow." She meows in agreement and takes her place under my chin. With that, both of us silently drift off to sleep, both listening to the other's breathing and heartbeats.

A pair of beautiful and exotic-like royal blue orbs flashes past my closed eyelids. Tonight, I shall be thinking of him as my last thoughts. He was so cold today, but he joined in and laughed with us during the pillow war and sabotage. I hardly ever hear him laugh. What have I done to make him like this?

He laughs around others, I think, but he never does those things around me. All I ever get is his endless, unnecessary teasing. Sometimes, if not all the time, I doubt that his behavior towards me would ever change, but I wish it would. For the most peculiar reason, I want him to†What, exactly, do I want from him?

'You want him to love you, fool?' the devil chimes inside my mind. Impossible! As if I ever want that womanizer to have feelings about me. I doubt he even does. He hates be beyond belief. That's why he always harasses me, tormenting me to the point that I can't take him anymore and end up using violence against him. I hate men like him†'Do you really?' he comments, wryly. Oh, I hate myself and my villainous conscience. Where's my seraphic soul when I need her? 'Asleep and ignoring your stupid and droning ranting, but, pretty much, she agrees with my thoughts.' Another betrayal! Such a pity†See why I hate him so much?

'Chiba Mamoru...' I say in my mind. 'You're an enigma to me. You hurt me, too†You hurt me so much, but I don't think you know that. If you do know, you're the second to the cruelest man I've ever met. I've already met the most evil man alive' The eyes I fear the most flicker across my mind again.

I shudder a little, but not enough for Luna to wake up from. I muse over the nightmare that I had last night. Can it be a premonition? It sounds foolish, but those hands that gripped me and that shot felt all too real. I had a nightmare like this when I was youngerâ€a short time before the night he entered my life. I'm scared now.

Sensations of the times his hands roamed over me, touching me, exploring me, and the way he always called out my nameâ€it sounded soâ€so insane and wrong. The way he had always been kind to meâ€I've fell for it when I was a child, but now that I reflect back on the way he displayed his kindness to my family and me, it all seems too fake. It was all just a sham. He played all of us, and betrayed us in the end. He betrayed me.

Yet another tinge of blue eyes appears in my mind. Ah, my second tormentor in this lifetime. How he pops up at the worst of times, and the best of times. His timing, even in my visions, is impeccable.

"Usako" my mind replays his name for me in his voice. This time, it sends shivers running through my being. I never understand these emotions I feel whenever he's around. All I know is that I hate them and I want them to disappear. Why does he do this to me so relentlessly? It's annoying me to the point of boredom if that's probable.

'I doubt I can ever find my happiness in you' I trail in my thoughts of him. Can I really not find my happiness inside of him? I wonder so much, but I don't know, nor do I comprehend, the reason of why. My breathing's slowing gradually. I can't move a single muscle now. Ah, so tired. I have to wake up in an hour or two. This sucks. I'll be facing hell at work tomorrow for lacking this much sleep this week. Damn it all!

'Fears of falling,

Terrors of dying,

And pleads of living

Are what haunt

A person's dreams.

Qualms of regrets,

Worries of losing,

And grieves of love

Are what sway

A human's reality.

A blending of both

Dreams and realities

Into a single vision

Is what I call

A reality of nightmares.'

T.B.C.