A/N: The reviews are fabulous. :) Thank ye. Also, thank you Higgy for the bedtime story suggestion, as I shamelessly used it. This isn't as funny as I would have liked, but oh well. I gave it a try. Read, Review, Enjoy. 3
Little Devil, Little Angel
Chapter Three - Loyalty, Friendship, Rape, and Pillage
"Get out."
"No, that's okay. I don't think I will."
"Get. Out."
"It's my bathtub, too, you know."
"Is not."
"Is so."
Satisfied with his position in the argument, Little Angelus hurled himself into the overfilled bathtub with a very big splash. A very big splash that thoroughly soaked both the bathroom floor and a very irritated Little Angel.
Speaking of whom, Little Angel crossed his little arms and glared at his dastardly twin.
"You made a mess," he said accusingly, placing a tentative foot on his bathmat and then stomping angrily when he realized it was soaked. "What'd you have to go and do that for?"
"Don't be such a dumb-dumb," Angelus smirked. "It'll dry."
"But it's wet NOW."
"I know. It bothers me, too."
"Then why did you do it?"
"'Cause I'm evil...stupid."
"I'm not stupid!"
"Yes you are. All heroes are stupid."
Angel pondered for a moment, unsure whether he should feel complimented by being called a hero, or offended by the fact that that meant he was stupid. Either way, it resulted in him following his twin's lead and barreling into the bathtub, creating an equally large, if not larger splash.
"If heroes are so stupid, how come the good guys always win?"
"They don't. You're just being oblivious."
"What's that mean?"
Angelus opened his mouth to give a clever reply when he was hit by a sudden gust of empty-headedness.
"I don't know," he said instead.
Angel gazed at the water, a look of concentration on his face. "I don't know either."
"That's 'cause you're dumb."
"Am not."
"Are so."
Little Mr. Morality launched himself at his accursed counterpart, threw a few blundering punches, and finally got Angelus's head beneath the water. The only evidence of his nemesis's squeals of protest were the bubbles disturbing the surface, but remarkably, that was enough for their very weary childe to make an appearance.
"What in the soddin' Hell do you think you're doin'?" Spike demanded, prying Angel's hands away from Angelus's head.
"He called me dumb!"
"Well, that's cause you are," Spike retorted. "And so is he. You're both really dumb and really annoying and can't you just behave for one bloody minute?" Ignoring the wet eyes and sulky lips, Spike lifted Little Angel out of the tub. "'Sides, you're supposed to be the nice one... and here you are, holding his head under the water? One of the stupid tossers downstairs would've thought you were him and he was you and chained you to the corner. You wouldn't want that, would you?" He reached back in the tub to remove the thoroughly soaked Angelus "And you-"
"No." A petulant pout.
"No?" Spike asked, bemused. "No, what?"
"You're my boy and it's not supposed to work this way."
Spike tugged two towels off the towel wrack. "What's not supposed to work this way?" One around Angel, who still looked about to cry. "Me being the reproving, overbearing, larger than life wanker that you two have always been over the years? For once?" He paused. "Bloody Hell, I really just did that...scolding thing, didn't I?" Angelus stepped into the other towel and allowed his thoughtful childe to snugly encase him in it. "Angel?"
Little Angel sniffed. "Yeah?"
"You want to have another go at holding this one under water?"
That was the final straw. Little Angel burst into tears.
Spike gaped. "I thought you'd like to..."
"No! I know it was bad! I'm so bad! I'm so sorry! I'm trying so hard to be good and help and share and be nice, but I'm just so bad!"
"But, Angel-"
"No!" Little hands over his little ears. "I'll never shanshu and I'll never atone because I did too many bad things."
Angelus snorted. "You didn't do anything. Stop trying to take all the credit." He leaned his head back against Spike and said, "Boy, dry my hair," to which the blonde promptly obliged. "I killed lotsa people and I liked it," he said proudly. Then his little face fell. "But then you came along and I couldn't do it anymore." He frowned. "I hate you."
Little Angel's eyes widened. "Up until that last part, that was almost comforting."
"I know, despicable, huh?"
"What's that mean?"
"I don't know."
"Neither do I."
Spike took the following moments of contemplation to wrangle the two into two of Angel's T-shirts and carry them to his sire's expensively embellished bed.
"Don't mess up my sheets," both boys ordered in unison.
"Bloody Hell," Spike groaned.
"Boy, tell us a story."
"Wha-?"
"Yeah, Will," Angel chimed in. "Tell us a story."
"No!"
"Please?" "Now!"
"Soddin', buggeri'....alright." Heaving a hefty sigh of annoyance, William the Bloody wedged himself between the two small boys and rested his back tiredly against the wall. "Now what do you want this story to be about?"
"Loyalty and friendship!"
"Rape and pillage! Rape and pillage!"
Spike groaned. "Alright, alright. Don't get your knickers in a twist."
"We aren't wearing any."
"You didn't have to remind me of that. Okay, here goes..." He trailed off as two little heads decided to use his chest as a pillow.
"Here goes?" Angel prodded.
"Oh, right. Once upon a time, there lived two little princes in a very, very big castle with 162 soddin' rooms. They were identical twins and looked just alike in every way, but they were very different." He paused for dramatic effect. A long pause. So long, Angelus punched him in the ribs. "One was evil," Spike continued through gritted teeth. "And one was good."
"The good one was the best," Angel interrupted.
"Was not."
"Was so."
"If you two don't pack it in, you're not gettin' a soddin' story," Spike growled. Silence ensued and, satisfied, the blonde vampire continued. "As I was saying, one was evil and one was good."
"What were their names?" Angelus asked.
"Susan and Gertrude."
"William!" both squealed in indignation.
Spike sighed. "Angel and Angelus. At any rate, they both had very different friends. Prince Angel had Princess Cordy, who had tits out to here." He stretched his arms as far as they would go. "The rest of his friends - Prince Wesley, Prince Gunn, Princess Fred, and the Court Jester, Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan - don't matter as much because they didn't have big tits like Princess Cordy. As for Prince Angelus, he was more of his mother's son. He and his mother, Queen Darla, would play in their big soddin' nursery all day long and when Angelus was especially naughty, Darla would bring him a pretty servant to play with."
"Mommy," Angelus sighed happily.
"Angelus had another little friend named Miss. Drusilla. She wasn't royalty or the like like Angel's big-titted friends. Actually, she was the daughter of one of the servants Angelus used to play with."
"Used to?" Angelus asked.
"Well, no one ever spoke about it, but sometimes Prince Angelus was a bit too much for the servants to handle."
"What happened to them?" Angel inquired worriedly.
"They died."
Angelus cheered.
Angel pouted.
"Anyway, Miss. Dru fast became Angelus's favorite playmate, even though she was a bit loony and had a stupid doll named Miss. Edith who was never allowed to have any cakes. Ever."
"Poor Miss. Edith," Angel interjected sadly.
"Yeah, yeah, poor Miss. Bloody Edith. Anyway, the two little princes only had one friend in common: Sir Spike, the knight distinguished above all other knights. Sir. Spike would traipse happily and freely through the castle, killing anyone who stepped out of line and if he was hungry, he would eat them, too."
Angelus snuggled closer to Spike and closed his eyes.
Spike yawned. "Sometimes he used spikes and stabbed out their beady little eyes with them. Other times he just gave them a swift kick in the bum and said, 'You! Stop that!'. But whenever Prince Angel was around, he just smiled and said, 'You zany kids and your crazy hijinks', gave the good little prince a hug and everythin' was all with the warm fuzzies..." He felt Angel curl into his side.
"Anyway, there was a big soddin' adventure of sorts and Angel and his friends banded together and tried to bring down a big evil, which happened to be Queen Darla and Prince Angelus, who in turn, ate all of the servants and they all went to sleep happy and full and lived happily ever after in the big soddin' castle."
"What about Sir. Spike?" Angel murmured sleepily.
"Sir. Spike tucked them in."
"Did he scare all the Slayers away?" Angelus asked hopefully.
"He did," Spike nodded. "All the slutty blonde slayers cowered in fear at the thought of facing Sir. Spike because he was the slayer of all slayers."
"What about the guilt?" Angel asked.
"Sir. Spike scared that away, too. And many years in the future, little Prince Angel fully redeemed himself and grew into a big, strong, brave man and he shanshued and everyone celebrated."
"I didn't," Angelus said. "I wasn't there no more."
"No," Spike said thoughtfully. "I suppose you weren't."
A few minutes later, the three vampires fell into a fitful slumber.
TBC...
