A/N: Ah yes. Another chapter. This was inevitable. I tried really hard to make the gags long, awkward, and funny. I'm not sure how that turned out.
Little Devil, Little Angel
Chapter Four - Big Spender
"I don't think this is such a good idea."
Wesley shifted from foot to foot, and in a rare display of cowardice, took a full step back; needlessly, it seemed, as little Angel took three steps forward and clung to his leg.
Angelus just smiled at the former watcher in that strangely calm, yet maniacal way he had. He had big plans for this one.
"Look, mate, the tots need clothes. Who knows how long they're going to be stuck like this?" Spike took a long, relaxing drag from his cigarette. "And the lil' hellion here has been trying to tug off these poncy threads that Cordelia picked up since noon. Baby blue's not his color, y'see? He's evil." The blonde vampire smirked and treated Angelus to a fond pat on the head.
The little boy scowled. "Overalls!" He huffed. "Blue overalls!" In a display of frustration and anger (which were becoming more and more common as the hours wore on), the evil twin ripped at the straps of the hated garment.
Only to be thwarted by Spike lifting him into the air.
"S'all you got for now, Bitty Sire. We'll get you somethin' you like soon enough."
"You better," Angelus spat, wriggling to get out of the confining hold. "Or I'll have your...your..."
"Intestines," Spike supplied.
"Yeah! Your intestines! And I'll...what will I do with your intestines, boy?"
"Give them back to him?" Angel suggested.
"Shut up, Angel. Nobody asked you. Boy?"
The blonde vampire shook his head with a chuckle. "If I help you with these appallingly graphic threats now, you'll never be able to come up with them yourself in the future. And you want to be able to do that, don't you, tidbit?" Angelus nodded glumly, crossing his little arms over his little chest. "Yeah. 'S what I thought. How 'bout a clue?"
Spike failed to repress the squeal of surprise and pain that came with the sharp kick to the shin.
"What is this? Evil Blue's Clues? Take us shopping! Now."
"Bloody, soddin, buggerin'...Wes? Why're you so quiet?" Spike looked to the pale-faced watcher anxiously. "Did something happen?" He looked around the desolate lobby. "Something...invisible?"
Wesley shook his head very slowly. "I was just thinking..."
Spike waited for him to continue.
And waited...
And waited...
"About?" he finally prodded.
Wesley blinked. "Well, I don't really know. I was going to say something witty laced with distress over our impending adventure, but then I realized that I couldn't articulate all of that wit and distress into one clever sentence." He cocked his head at his companion and shrugged.
"Riiiiight..." Spike trailed off.
Wesley shifted from foot to foot.
Spike crossed his arms uncomfortably.
Angelus bit Angel's arm.
Angel cried.
"So..."
"Off we go then?"
"Right."
"Hands," Wesley said firmly, grabbing Angel's little hand in his own. "Hands must be held at all times." Angel obediently picked up Angelus's hand, whose fellow grudgingly took a hold of Spike's. Three hours until close, and the mall was still bustling with people. Men, women, boys, and girls of all ages; baby carriages, shopping bags...
"This is what Hell looked like," Angelus piped up.
"Is not."
"Is so."
"Pack it in," Spike snapped. "Or you're wearin' your poncy blue overalls until we find a cure."
That silenced the bickering duo for a good few minutes as the quartet made their way through the crowded walking areas. Unfortunately, identical twins happened to be a big attraction amongst middle-aged women in shopping malls.
"Oh my gosh," a plump woman, who looked to be in her thirties, gushed. "They are so adorable." She knelt in front of the boys, a big smile on her face. "And look at these matching blue overalls!"
She was favored with identical angelic smiles.
"Yes, well..." Wesley trailed off, taking a moment to force a smile. "They're quite the handful, but it's worth it. Raising children is probably the most satisfying job anyone could ever ask for."
"You're so brave," she cooed, still focusing more on the two boys than their guardians. "You must have to deal with a lot of ignorance. A gay couple such as yourself raising twin boys."
Two mouths dropped open.
"I, uh...we, I mean to say..."
"We're not..."
"And what are your names?" the woman asked the twins sweetly.
"I'm Angel," Angel smiled, jerking his hand out of Wesley's to offer it to the woman. "What's your name?"
"Why hello, Angel. I'm Pamela." She looked up to Wesley. "He's so well-mannered!"
"Yes. Manners are very important in our-"
"I'm Angelus!" Angelus interrupted, grabbing the woman's hand and squeezing it tightly. "I like to kill people for fun."
Pamela didn't think the twins were so cute after that.
"No."
"YES."
"NO. And that's final."
"Oh bloody Hell, Percy. Just get the kid some leather pants before he makes a scene."
They had been outside the Leather Store for 5 minutes battling Angelus on the subject of leather pants and why he shouldn't have a pair.
"They're too expensive for something he'll only wear a few times. We're NOT wasting that kind of money."
"But I WANT them!"
"You can't always have everything you want."
"Boy! Tell the Watcher that if he doesn't get me a pair of leather pants...I'll, I'll..." He trailed off, looking hopefully up at his childe. Spike shoved his hands in the pockets of his duster and looked to the ceiling. He wasn't getting involved in this. "I'll...I'll..."
Angel poked his twin in the side and whispered something in his ear.
"I'll cry!" Angelus declared, triumphantly crossing his arms over his chest and shooting Wesley a smug smile. "What do you have to say about that, Watcher? Hmm? Got any Council wisdom suitable for dealing with my tears?" The little boy snorted. "You're going down."
Wesley glared at Angel.
Angel hid behind Spike's leg.
"No," Wesley said firmly.
Tears sprang to Angelus's eyes.
Later that night, Cordelia asked how it came to be that the Leather Store actually had leather pants that fit a four-year-old; and furthermore, what kind of sick parent buys leather pants for their kids in the first place? Isn't that just begging for an S&M fetish?
Angelus's response, you ask? A tomato from the fridge. Covered in ketchup.
"It's for you!" he said.
"Umm."
"It's a heart."
"It, uh...sure is!"
"I'm evil. I wear leather pants." He smiled sweetly at her. "I found it in a quaint little shop girl."
"It's a tomato covered in ketchup," Spike grumbled, a particularly bitter surge of nostalgia overcoming him.
"Cordy! Look at my duster!" Little Angel trooped proudly into the kitchen, sporting his new mini-duster. "I'm broody and mysterious, and my duster billows behind me like I'm a superhero!" Then realizing that sounded a bit egotistical, he added as modestly as he could, "Or something."
"My leather pants are better and I have a silk shirt," Angelus replied, puffing out his chest in his burgundy button-down.
"I preferred the overalls," Cordelia told them.
"I hate you," Angelus informed her. After a moment, he added, "You and your big tits."
Angel kicked him. "Don't listen to him, Cordy. You're real nice and your tits are, too." He looked to his evil counterpart. "Let's go play. I can be the victorious hero and you can be the defeated villain." The two boys scampered off upstairs somewhere.
Their tired caretakers tried very hard to ignore the loud crashes and bangs that immediately followed their hasty departure.
TBC...
Reviewing is nice. =)
