Chapter 1, My immortal

'I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears.

If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave.

'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase...' -Evanescense

The house was quiet, too quiet. And when she saw the drops of red on the floor, Sarah really started to become afraid.

'Dad?' she said. There was no answer. Sarah couldn't bring herself to speak again, the silence was too overwhelming. The whole air shuddered with forebidding, something horrible was going to happen, she knew it.

She entered the living room. There he was! But - no!

Her beloved father was lying face down on the carpet. And there was blood - lots of it.

Sarah didn't have the courage to go over to him. She didn't want to see, didn't want it to be true.

There was a creak on one of the floorboards. Sarah uttered a silent scream. Her mother... she must've flipped entirely... Fear, surpassing any form of it she had previously known, clutched her heart tightly.

'Sarah, darling...' Sarah jumped, her heart pounding too loud for her mind to work. Her mother was in the doorway. Her hair was nicely curled and her clothes without a stain. But her eyes, they were lit with a terrifying glint, they were eyes who would haunt Sarah for years to come.

'Darling, come here...' Her mother sent her an insane smile before she pulled out an enormous knife. Sarah screamed in panic and ran...

Sarah woke up drenched in sweat, and buried her face in her hands. She was so sick of the nightmare that had haunted her for the past two years. She looked around her yellow, cozy room. From the landscape paintings to the teddybears, everything in there was perfectly soothing. There was no reason for being afraid and having nightmares.

'Calm down,' she said to herself 'it was a long time ago, it's time you got over it.'

Luckily it was almost sunrise, so she didn't have to torture herself with trying to sleep again.

Sarah had lived at her fosterparents' for two years now, and it still didn't feel like home (Not that Sarah's original home was anything to boast about). Mr. and Mrs. haven were wonderful, but she couldn't bring herself to love them the way she should.

The fact that the Haven's were so nice, in spite of the way she sometimes treated them, caused serious damage to Sarah's conscience. In an odd way, it would've been better if they were bad people.

She went out to the bathroom and splashed water in her face. In the mirror above the sink she saw two intense, brown eyes looking at her. She could see a hint of the night's fear in them, but it was quickly disappearing. She couldn't let the past get to her the way it did.

Suddenly she smiled at herself. A real smile out of pure joy, not a fake one for the sole purpose of not hurting her fosterparents.

Everything was going to get better. Her real life was about to begin. Tomorrow she would be on her way to the place she had been longing for -Hogwarts.

Sarah spent the whole day packing with April. Sarah wasn't able to call her 'mom', and April refused to be called Mrs. Haven, so a compromise had been made.

When they finally were done, it was late. Sarah was feeling restless. She couldn't wait to go to King's Cross tomorrow, but at the same time she was nervous. Sarah had never had any friends before, almost hadn't talked to people her age. Her phsycotic mother had kept her indoors and away from all other children as far back as Sarah could remember. To make up for her social shortcomings Sarah had found out all she could about Hogwarts, hoping this would make her interesting for the others.

'I've made cinnamon buns, Sarah!' April's aged, but beautiful face was smiling warmly at her. 'And John will be home any minute. I know you're both so fond of these buns.' Sarah sent April a smile. John and April Haven's life, which seemed so meaningless to Sarah, was much more bearable when she knew she would be leaving the next day.

Sarah woke up Sunday morning, with a big smile on her face. Outside her large window the sun was making the colorful garden look like a tropical paradice. Sarah smelled her new-washed hair. It smelled like the white roses by her window. Due to her restlessness last night, she had composed her own shampoo.

She jumped out of bed and managed to dance around the room while putting on her white, favorite summerdress.

In the kitchen April had made french toast, another one of John and Sarah's shared favorites. Fact was, John and Sarah liked just about all food.

'Good morning, Sarah,' said John's merry voice. 'Big day today, eh?' Sarah smiled at him.

'It sure is.'

After a lot of motherly fussing from April they were on their way to the station. As they got closer to it, Sarah's happiness was slowly but surely being replaced by insecurity. When John had loaded her trunk onto a trolley she said in a small voice:

'I'd rather go alone.' The effect of so few words... it was almost scary. Sarah was so ashamed with herself seeing their hurt faces.

'Alright then, dear,' April said in a brave voice. 'Good luck! We'll see you at christmas.' John just waved and smiled. Then they left.

Sarah felt very small and completely alone in the world, watching the crowd around her. Why had she made them go away? Aw, no, Sarah, get a grip, you're supposed to be a big girl now.

She took a deep breath.

'Right...platform 9 3/4...it must be in that direction,' she said encouragily to herself.

Getting to the Hogwarts Express was no problem. John had explained it to her, 'Just take the platform nine barrier at a run, and don't be afraid to crash 'cause then you will.' It was a typical John explanation, but it was efficient, Sarah was soon facing the scarlet engine. Finally, she was here.

But as she watched all the other kids being hugged and kissed by their parents, she couldn't help her chest from tightening.

'Oh, don't be stupid,' she muttered 'it was you who told them to go away.'

On her way to the train with her trunk, Sarah noticed a boy who looked alone like her. He had untidy, black hair, glasses and too big clothes. Maybe she could make friends with him? He looked nice. But just as she started to head towards him, two red-haired twins came over and started helping him with his trunk. Sarah sighed and concentrated on getting her own trunk onboard, a pretty exhausting task.

When her things were finally on the train, Sarah went to find somewhere to sit. All the compartments were full of people, laughing and talking. But as much as Sarah wanted to make friends, she didn't dare join them. Just going into a compartment full of unfamiliar people was too frightening. You're a coward, Sarah. And it will get you nowhere.

Even though she knew she shouldn't, Sarah found an empty compartment. As she sat down, she felt her heart droop to her stumack. This wasn't like she had imagined the train ride at all.

Just to have something to do, Sarah took out her new things to have a better look at them.

She couldn't wait to start using the spellbooks, Defense Against the Dark Arts especially interested her. Sarah had always liked to daydream about being a powerful and mighty witch, who rid the world of evil and was admired by everyone.

But it was a silly dream, Sarah was just a little blonde girl who didn't even know any hexes. She knew it would never happen, but couldn't give up the vision entirely.

She took out her cauldron. She thought happily of how exciting it would be the day she made her first potion.

Her wand caught her eye. It was a beautiful wand. 12 inches long, made of holly with a unicorn hair in the middle. She admired it for a while, before she put it back in the trunk and ran out of things to do.

Two boring hours later Sarah finally thought of something.

She got out her beloved disc-man, a muggle feature given to her by April and John. Sarah was a big fan of muggle-music, and muggle-music was what you could listen to on a disc-man.

Sarah put on a Maria Mena cd, and sat back in her seat, listening with tears burning behind her eyelids.

'Just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser.

Just a little less needy, and maybe I get there.

Just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit bitter,

and maybe I get there...'

All reviews are very much appreciated! -HHH-