The RASHOUJIN Chronicles
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. All characters from Samurai Showdown, Fatal Fury, Art of Fighting, and King of Fighters are owned by SNK. All company names, brands, characters, etc. belong to their respective owners, etcetera..
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ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: FOR EACH CHAPTER, PLEASE PUT A REVIEW!!!! I PREFER CRITIQUE ON PIECE THAT I WRITE... Please?
Chapter III.
Bizuki and the many flashbacks and commercials
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Before we begin this episode of Rashoujin Chronicles, here's a word from our sponsors.
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Tohoufuhai: [does the Can-Can in a Russian Military Outfit]
Domon: Gahahahahaha!
Tohoufuhai: Laugh now, Mr. Can't Take Down a Mobile Suit Without a Mobile Suit.
Domon: Oh, I'm laughing, Mr. Wearing Victoria's Secret Under a Fur Skirt!
Flashback! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Drunk Domon: [snorts derisively] Betchoo dat guyzz a gurrl!!!
Drunk Tohoufuhai: No way... Yah could light a canderr on dat azz...! Hey hawt stuff! How'zz it going?? [snort!]
Ash Crimson: ... It's the fingernails, isn't it...
Back to the present! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Tohoufuhai: I hate losing bets!!
PEOPLE WERE BLOWN AWAY BY "Tohoufuhai'"! LITERALLY!
Laurence Blood is watching the tape, which has been (intentionally) mislabelled as a "Matador Bullfighting 101" tape. Poor man doesn't know what's coming.
Laurence: URGH! [literally blown away, making a crater in the wall] Strong... Too strong...!
Geese Howard is watching the tape, falling for the same trick except that the tape has been mislabelled as "Hakkyokuseiken Techniques 101". A minute after Geese has switched on the VCR, the camera pans out to a view of Geese Tower from a distance. Something is seen falling off it from the highest floor.
Zeon soldiers are also viewing the tape, again being caught in the same snare. This time the tape has been labelled as "Kycibilia Zabi Gone Wild (with a number barely identified as 101 crossed out)". A few seconds later, someone yells, "IT'S A GUNDAM" and the barracks they're in explodes.
Order "Touhoufuhai Gone Wild" now! For five payments of $6.99! It'll either be a barrel of laughs, or a good way of covertly eilminating political opponents!
Communist: Da.
Send all payments to SVC (That's SNK, Value, Convenience you bastages), NESTS HQ, P.O. Box 43373-17-834-7825!
Igniz: Aren't I brilliant! That says, "Geese is teh suck!"
Original Zero: I'm beginning to wonder why I joined NESTS. Oh yeah, that's right- I was hammered that day...
No flashbacks this time, folks. NESTS is too poor to pay for it.
Igniz: Why must you make NESTS a house of LIES~!?
We now return you to your scheduled programming.
Back to Bizuki, who, although having so far enjoyed her adventure in SNK HQ, wonders if she's going to tire herself too much for the upcoming meeting. It is 11:40 AM or so.
Bizuki: Don't you guys feel a bit guilty having left your owners?
Mamahaha: Nakoruru's part of PETA. She can handle anything.
Poppy: Galford's too stupid to die. You know... Where are you going, anyway? It looks to me that we just keep stopping at floors one at a time.
Bizuki: Geese gave me some hours of leisure. He's busy upstairs.
Poppy: Terry Bogard and his typical "You Killed my Father" crap?
Bizuki: That would be it.
Poppy: But that doesn't really answer my question: Where are you headed?
Bizuki: I'm just trying to find a place where I can rest my head now...
Mamahaha: Odd. You haven't tried the SNK Boss lounge?
Bizuki: The what!?
Mamahaha: The place where all the bosses hang out to catch lunch...?
Bizuki: Not ringing a bell here.
Mamahaha: How could you not know? ALL SNK Bosses go there!
Poppy: This is a touchy subject for Bizu-
Bizuki: Why does nobody tell me ANYTHING!??? WHY!!????? WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT ME????!!!!
Poppy: Here it comes.
Mamahaha: Ehm...
Bizuki: I wasn't invited to the Kusanagi party of '98 when they released the most balanced King of Fighters of all time, and I wasn't invited to the Easter Party last year so I missed out on the egg-hunting. No one bothered to tell me about the Halloween Party in 2001, and I had a Kagami Shinnosuke costume with a sword that shoots orange flames and everything!!!! GET THAT!!!! ORANGE FLAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY, YOU WANNA KNOW THE ONLY THING I GOT!???? A "YOU'RE #1" MUG WITH A PICTURE OF BONUS-KUN ON IT FROM GEESE HOWARD, WHOM I'VE SERVED AS SECRETARY FOR SINCE 1994!!!!!! A MUG WITH A PUNCHING BAG!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!! [sob sob sob!]
Poppy: Now, look what you did.
Mamahaha: Oh geeze, Bizuki, I didn't know...
Bizuki: [sob! sob!]
Mamahaha: Oh man. Why come you didn't tell me about this?
Poppy: I thought it would've been obvious...
Bizuki: [sob! sob!]
Poppy: Crap, sorry.
We interrupt Bizuki's snivelling-
Bizuki: Pinball attack!
With this scheduled programming with these messages from our sponsors!!! HIT THE DECK!!!!
An old classic from SVC (SNK, Value, Convenience, damn it), is Gaira's "I'LL BUTCH YOU UP" tapes!
On-screen appears Gaira from Samurai Showdown, in a gym. He points dramatically at the viewer.
Gaira: You look really weak!
He then stretches his massive arms.
Gaira: Come! I'll butch you up!
All of a sudden, the Neo-Geo CD version of Yuri's Art of Fighting 2 theme, "Yuri's Diet", begins playing- and Gaira begins exercising to it!
Gaira: One! Two! One! Two-
High-Pitched Female Voice: Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Hey~~! Let's diet!
Nicotine: Oh dear. [gets the excommunication papers]
Kuroko: Fo shiz-
STOP IT!!!!
Kuroko: I was joking...
We now return you to your scheduled programming.
Mamahaha: Look, Bizuki, we meant nothing by it. We're sorry you had to go through some awful memories.
Bizuki: [sniffle] It's okay...
Poppy: If it's alright, I'll input the floor number where it is. It's actually awfully far from Geese's office...
Mamahaha: Still, a mug? That's harsh.
Poppy: Drop it!
Bizuki: No, it's okay... I know...
Flashback! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Geese: A mug for Amakusa (stupid fruity bastard) and a vacation to Maui and for my best secretary.
Billy: Ya had more than one, boss?
Geese: I hired Vice and Mature before Rugal did, you know. They were in my tenure before you came around.
Billy: Those bloody psycho Orochi wenches?? Are you serious!??
Geese: Eeeyup. I paid them zilch after they tried to sexually harass me.
Billy: They did wot!?
Geese: No, not really. They TRIED, but the first time I hired them was also the first time someone fell off Geese Tower... That wasn't me. Hehehe!
Later that day...
Hokutomaru: [sneaks into the office] They call me ninja! I am a ninja! I am a yadda-dadda-ladda-dadda-ninja! Wahoo! Lessee, my client told me to switch Amakusa's Christmas gift with something else... Oh, a vacation to Maui!
Back to the present...
Bizuki: Why do I feel the sudden urge to go kill ninjas?
Poppy: If you mean Galford, suppress that urge. [ding!] And we're here.
The minute the elevator opens, Shingo Yabuki jumps out at them!
Shingo: Ja-ja-ja!!!
Bizuki: EEEK!
Shingo: Kono ichiban deshi no Shingo ga aittetsu! (I, Kyo's best student, challenge you!)
Bizuki: Err. No thanks.
Shingo: Haha! I'm just kiddin'. Come in, come in!
Bizuki: What the... [blinks] Am I really in the boss lounge?
Poppy: This is the floor, alright.
Mamahaha: Then why's Shingo-freakin'-Yabuki here?
Shingo: Ha! I was a side boss in KoF '98!
Bizuki: When?
Shingo: You could argue that it was a side match, facing me if you got enough perfects within the first three matches. But I'd like to think otherwise!
Bizuki: That connection is laughably tenuous.
Shingo: No it's not! ;_;
Bizuki: Yes it is. Admit it.
Shingo: Okay, I admit it! I'm not really a boss! I'm just here because everyone else is annoyed by my presence!! So what if I've got Kyo posters, Kyo figures, Kyo collecter's gloves, Kyo outfits, Kyo bedsheets, Kyo furniture, follow the Kyo Diet (no carbs! or something), and own a 1/1 scale fully functional Kyo Gundam!?? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME????
Bizuki: O_O
Shingo: Go ahead! MAKE FUN OF ME!
Bizuki: I'm just...
Shingo: I hate my life.
Bizuki: I'm going to suspend my disbelief at the fact that you've brought your Kyo fanboyism too far and ask you: just how'd you manage it?
Shingo: ... Huh?
Bizuki: You made a Kyo Gundam- how'd you do that?
Shingo: Oh! ^_^ Specs are right here!
Poppy: Before I am bored out of my mind, I'll leave you two Gundam buffs alone. [trots away]
Mamahaha: Hey, wait for me!
Bizuki: I don't believe it. You've got the outer hull down right to Kyo's old pre-'99 headband... I'm not going to ask how you devised the whole thing, but just how did you even get the money for all of this?
Shingo: Kula's a friend of mine.
Bizuki: Kula Diamond? So you're getting money off of NESTS?
Shingo: They're called SVC (thats SNK, Value, and Convenience), but not really. Kula also gets a huge amount of money from her fandom for being the classic uber-cutie of the series. And she's got an enormous number of them! Unlike poor Shingo Yabuki, (;_;) who's always being made fun of-
Kula: YARRRRRRR!!!!
Bizuki: [jumps back] Eeep!
Kula: MAKE FUN OF SHINGO, WILL YOU!?
Bizuki: No, I'm-
Shingo: She's just-
Kula: Hey, Adel!
Adel: Buh-huh!!?
Adel Bernstein, in surprise, jumps out of his chair.
Kula: Someone's making fun of Shingo!
Adel: AGAIN!? Why can't you guys take your sarcasm and bring it to a slackbastard like K'!?
At SNK HQ Gate..
K': Achoo! [snaps awake] Someone was talking about me. Pssh, whatever. ZzzzzZZZZzzzz....
?????: ... Whew. That was close.
Hiding behind an extremely thin stop sign, a large hulking creature of metal stalks into the building...
Back to Bizuki!
Bizuki: _ _ I can explain-
Shingo: _ She can explain-
Adel: Hey, Zankuro! Some idiot's making fun of Shingo!
The towering Zankuro Minazuki strides over to the scene. He brandishes the Masamune.
Zankuro: Who shall I have to crush, now?
Bizuki: Oh dear...
Zankuro: Because no one makes fun of the coffee-maker!
Bizuki: Huh?
Shingo: XD I make good coffee-
Zankuro: Come, Shinnosuke! We have a maggot to crush!
Bizuki: Crap!
Kagami: Err... What?
Zankuro: Sigh... There is another who dares make fun of the coffee-maker!
Kagami: [takes out sword] This actually never gets old. Gives me a reason to burninate people...
Bizuki: With your orange juice- I mean flames? [snicker]
Kagami: That earned you a quicker grave, smartass.
Bizuki: I definitely fear your citrus powers, Kagami.
Bonus-Kun: [sproings into action] It is I, Bonus-Kun! What seems to be the problem!?
Kagami: [points to Bizuki] She insulted Shingo.
Bizuki: What! No I-
Bonus-Kun: Then it is up to Bonus-Kun to rectify this problem!
Gaoh: What's going on?
Bizuki: Ack!
We interrupt Bizuki's possible slaughter-
Bizuki: HEY!
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We now return you to your scheduled programming.
Back to Bizuki. As we return to the scene, we find that Bizuki and Shingo are surrounded by nearly all of the SNK bosses both past and present. Shingo is having no luck trying to convince them that she did nothing to offend him, not to mention trying to convince them not to beat the crap out of her. Finally, another woman steps in...
Chizuru: ALL OF YOU, QUIET!!!!!!!!!!
Zankuro: Ack! Chizuru!
Bizuki: Whew! To the rescue as always, Chizuru.
Kagami: Whoops. Exit, stage right for me...
Kula: Can't you see we're trying to edjumicate someone, Ms. Kagura?
Chizuru: Education in the form of mob violence? I think not.
Kula: But she insulted Shingo! She must pay! [does the big eyes thing] Pleaaaaase?
Nobody can resist when Kula's eyes become this huge and this dilated. Nobody, that is, except for Chizuru Kagura.
Chizuru: No. Look, Bizuki's my friend. Anything she may've said was in jest, I'm sure. Bizuki?
Bizuki: I never said anything derogatory about him at all!
Shingo: She's right! She even complimented my Kyo Gundam!
Shingo shows off the design of the Kyo Gundam. There is a speech bubble next to it saying, "KORE GA... KUSANAGI NO KENDA!!" Chizuru sweatdrops.
Chizuru: Ehm. Right.
Kula: Fine. You get off this time. -_-
Bizuki: Whew. I was nearly done for.
Chizuru: Bizuki! I'm glad you came, for once!
As said before, Chizuru Kagura, of the Yata clan (one of the three clans that seal Orochi), two-time host of the King of Fighters tournaments ('96 and 2003) and Shintoist priestess extraordinaire, was Bizuki's best friend. A steadfast and refined woman, Bizuki looked up to her.
Bizuki: Chizuru! [does the secret handshake]
Odd. I don't have a description for that.
Bizuki: Then it wouldn't be a secret handshake. Keyword, SECRET.
... I see your point.
Bizuki: ^_^ I actually didn't know about this place until Poppy told me!
Chizuru: Wha...? Kusanagi never told you?
Bizuki: Kyo Kusanagi? I never knew he was a messenger boy-
Chizuru: No, I meant, the evil Kyo image I created, Kusanagi.
Bizuki: Ohhhh! Kusanagi...
Chizuru: Ooh, I'm going to teach him a lesson-
Kula: Can I come?
Chizuru: No.
Kula: Aww... ='(
Chizuru: Anyways, since you're here, let me introduce you to my associates/companions/friends/drinking buddies/posse/partners in crime!
Bizuki (with Shingo and Kula trailing behind her) follow Chizuru to a table populated by two women and an extremely easy-to-recognize red-haired man...
Chizuru: Bizuki, meet Yumeji Kurokochi!
Yumeji: Nice to meet you.
Bizuki: Same to you! How is work under Gaoh?
Yumeji: Not bad. I was originally supposed to work for Ambrosia, but...
Flashback! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Aren't you getting tired of these sound effects?
Yes?
Too bad.
We find Yumeji standing in front of the portal to Makai.
Yumeji: This is the place? Not exactly pleasant, but... Wahh!
A hand drags her into it! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Whoa. A swirl inside a swirl! Who woulda thunk?
Yumeji: @_@ Oh, my head...
Earthquake: Why hello there!
Yumeji: My God! Earthquake!?
It's the humongous, flatulent, larger(literally)-than-life Earthquake. Except he's not wearing face-paint (making his face look oddly like that of a baby's), and is wearing an XXXXXL-sized tux.
Earthquake: Oh, please, call me Jimbobson.
Yumeji: ... o_o Jimbobson!?
Earthquake: Oh, and hey, be careful about saying the "G" word around here, eh? Ambrosia gets cranky when you say it around her.
Yumeji: I'll keep it in mind. I'm here to fill a-
Suddenly, the ultra-evil villain of Samurai Showdown, Ambrosia herself, swoops onto the scene.
Ambrosia: Ohho!, what's this? A new soul to devour!? Bwahahahahaha!
Yumeji: Err...
Earthquake: No, ma'am. She's a new applicant.
Ambrosia: Is that true? In that case, Amakusa! Come over here!
Amakusa: Yes, my lord-
Ambrosia: Amakusa, you nincompoop! [smack] That's "lady"!
Amakusa: Ow! Ow, ow, owie! Curses!
Ambrosia: WHAT!
Amakusa: Eeep! Nothing!
Ambrosia: That's what I thought. Now, what it is it you can do for us, Miss...?
Yumeji: Kurokochi Yumeji. And I can do... This!
Yumeji throws an apple and begins slicing it into several pieces with blinding speed, ala Ukyo. Amakusa shakes his head.
Amakusa: I'm sorry, the forces of darkness are TOO GOOD for those that are simple copycats.
Yumeji: Oh, I'm not just any copycat... Anna Mutsube!
Yumeji demonstrates her ability to morph into other Samurai Showdown characters and make use of their moves. Specifically, she makes use of Nakoruru's sliding sword-slash attack. Earthquake, Ambrosia, and Amakusa applaud her for this.
Amakusa: Bravo, bravo!
Yumeji: Thanks.
Amakusa: And where exactly did you learn all of these skills?
Yumeji: The mentor of Tachibana Ukyo is my father... As for my ability to morph into others...
Flashba-
What? Too many flashbacks?
A flashback inside a flashback is too much?
Stop with the flashbacks?
Nonsense! Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Yumeji is inside a crypt. She appears to be wearing a gi, and right next to her is... SHANG TSUNG!? And they're watching...
Gaira: One! Two! One! Two!
High-Pitched Female Voice: Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Beautiful~~! Let's diet! Okay!
Shang Tsung: With feeling Yumeji!
Yumeji: Up! Down! Up! Down! Geeze...!
Returning to Yumeji...
Amakusa: Everything seems to be in order.
Yumeji: So I get the job!
Amakusa: One last thing. Can you do...
Yumeji: Yes?
Amakusa: ...This???
Yumeji: What the...?
Amakusa: Hit it, Gen-an!
Gen-an: KOROSU!!!! [switches on a record player] [the Tequila song starts playing]
Yumeji: WTF!!!??!???
Amakusa, Gen-an, Earthquake, and Ambrosia begin doing the Pee Wee Herman dance!!!!
Record Player: [dun doo-doo duh-duh doo-doo duh, doo-doo duh-duh duh duh duh, duh-duh-duh-DUH]
The Forces of Darkness: TEQUILA!
Record Player: [dun doo-doo duh-duh doo-doo duh, doo-doo duh-duh duh-duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH]
The Forces of Darkness: TEQUILA!
Record Player: [dun doo-doo duh-duh doo-doo duh, doo-doo duh-duh duh-duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH]
The Forces of Darkness: TEQUILA!
Record Player: [dun doo-doo duh-duh doo-doo duh, doo-doo duh-duh duh-duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH]
The Forces of Darkness: TEQUILA!
Amakusa: Can you do that?? Hey... Where'd she go?
Yumeji had already snuck into the portal, back to earth, and was running for her life, never turning back.
We now return to Yumeji... Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo...
Bizuki: O_O
Yumeji: And that's why I decided not to work for Amakusa, Ambrosia, or whoever.
Chizuru: Wonderful story, Yumeji.
Bizuki: But it was a bit long, wasn't it?
Yumeji: Hey, you asked.
Bizuki: No I didn't.
Yumeji: ... Point.
Chizuru: Anyways, you've already met Shingo Yabuki and Kula Diamond!
Shingo: 'ello.
Kula: Hiya! ^_^
Bizuki: [nods]
Chizuru: This is Hazuki Kazama.
Hazuki: Hi!
Bizuki: Hello! Aren't you Kazuki's sister?
Hazuki: And you're Rashoujin Bizuki, the first female videogame boss in a fighting game!
Bizuki: Wow. You know your stuff. But hey, what're you doing in the boss lounge?
Hazuki: Well... I appear as the maiden whose life-force is being used to power up Zankuro in the last stage of Samurai Showdown IV.
Bizuki: That connection is laughably tenu- [sees Shingo telling her to cut that statement off, while Kula growls] is... laughably relevant! Yup!
Hazuki: Thank you! I have trouble convincing Kazuki that.
Shoot to Kazuki at the lowest lobby, being held back by his brother Sougetsu.
Kazuki: Hazuki, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sougetsu: ARGH! KAZUKI, YOU DUMBASS!!!
Back to Bizuki.
Chizuru: And this... is Iori Yagami.
Iori: Meh. You've got a knack of picking the wrong people to hang out with, Kagura.
Bizuki: That, of course, includes YOU, Mr. Yagami. And nice to meet you, too...
Chizuru: She has you there, Iori.
Iori: Bah!
Meanwhile... Outside SNK HQ...
Geese: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- [lands on his feet] Hehehe... They don't call me the "Immortal Geese Howard" for nothing... Hey, it's...
Yuki Enterprises Developer 1: Is this the place?
Yuki Enterprises Developer 2: SNK HQ, it says so right there, idiot.
Yuki Dev. 1: You know what? Hush.
Yuki Dev. 2: You go in first.
Yuki Dev. 1: [suspicious] Why?
Yuki Dev. 2: Because I've been here before, and it's insane around here. I'd rather you go first instead of-
Geese: Hello there! I assume you are from Yuki?
Yuki Dev. 1: Oh, hi there! We are, yes. Me and my associate were just about to go in.
Yuki Dev. 2: [looks around] You're keeping Kusaregedo under lock and key, right?
Geese: ... Yes. [coughnotcough]
Yuki Dev. 1: What was that?
Geese: Nothing, nothing at all. [flashes the trademark Howard smile] Please, come in...
On the other side of the street... Hiding behind the PAO PAO CAFE JAPAN...
?????: TARGETS_SPOTTED. UNITS_STANDING_BY...
WHAT IS THAT THING THAT MANAGED TO SNEAK PAST K'?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT APPEAR TO BE PLOTTING AGAINST SNK!??? AND WHAT DO THESE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE INTEND TO DO???? WHATEVER THEIR SINISTER PLANS ARE, WILL BIZUKI AND THE OTHERS BE ABLE TO STOP THEM? OR WILL THESE ENIGMAS SUCCEED?? NEXT TIME, ON RASHOUJIN CHRONICLES!!!!
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End of Chapter 3.
Author's Notes: YES! Chapter 3 is finished! Please Read/Review, everyone!
