Smoothing Rough Edges
by
Kelsey
Disclaimer: Not mine. Remus Lupin, Snape, Dumbledore, Harry, Tonks, Molly, etc, belong to JKR. The song clip is Melissa Etheridge's "Breathe" and it isn't mine either.
Summary: Remus has spent his life smoothing his rough emotional edges. It's time to do it again. Post-OotP, implied SBRL.
Rating: G
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
--Melissa Etheridge
Remus Lupin is haunting Grimmauld Place as effectively as any invisible Muggle ghost every haunted a building. His werewolf senses and preternaturally soft footsteps allow him free reign of the house without ever meeting anyone, and as he struggles to get on with his life, he sees no human faces for at least a fortnight.
He does take care of Buckbeak, remembering how fond Sirius was of the hippogriff and wanting to make sure he is alright personally. Unsure that he wanted to accept food from a werewolf, initially, Remus's constant despair seems to have changed the great animal's mind. Now even Buckbeak gives him the same look and affectionate nuzzle when he comes to visit which is the main reason he stopped seeing people in the first place.
Full moon isn't for another week, and Remus fully expects Snape to be the only person he sees for the next month. Dumbledore could, of course, find him whenever he wanted, but perhaps he has sensed the werewolf's boiling grief and raging anger and decided to leave him to it for a while longer. Remus has the utmost respect for Dumbledore, but Sirius was his mate, damn it, and the wolf wants revenge. Because he cannot find Bella, and the old headmaster is almost as responsible.
Tracking spells don't work well in the house, which is part of the reason Remus hasn't left the house. It is big and sprawling enough to support him in his quest to remain unbothered, and if he left the dreadful place, someone caring and concerned, (probably Tonks or Molly) would track him down and try to talk to him and make him eat. Here, with the help of some secret passages, he has remained hidden.
Also, he can't quite bring himself to leave the place. There was no body, no closure, and there will be no memorial. This place and all the memories and things of Sirius's that it holds are all that remain to comfort an aging werewolf in his grief. It isn't much, but it's all he has.
Remus vaguely wants to see Harry, to see if the youth is alright-- Harry is much more emotional and impulsive than he is, and if left without an outlet to release that emotion on, he will bottle it until he explodes. Remus knows this, but he also knows that there is nothing he can do for Harry until he can leave the Dursleys at the end of the month, so he waits. Rational, always rational.
Perhaps, more than anything, that is what he's doing. He's waiting. Waiting for the shock to sink in, because then he'll be able to go back to being himself. Remus Lupin's life has consisted of shocks and betrayals and pain, and he's almost used to them. But after each major event, he requires time. Time to smooth over the rough edges of his emotions and return his face to its usual calm, blank mask.
There is anger and denial and ripping, black and red pain in his soul, as there was fourteen years ago when James and Lily were killed, but he sandpapered that until he could flow around it like a smooth boulder in a stream, and he will do it again. He will come out of it thinner and with more grey hairs and lines on his face, but he will do it.
It's just harder work to be a man smoothing a concrete block than a stream smoothing a river.
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