Weekend's almost here, but is that a good thing for Daniel? Read on and find out.
See previous chapter for details
Authors Note: I hope all of you appreciate that I've permanently severed my tie to sanity for the sake of this story. I'm not sure I'd recognize my sanity now if I saw it. Sorry for the delay, btw; work and school had me pinned down for a while.

Thursday

0:00 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

0:01 -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

0:02 HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

0:03 Whew, okay, think I'm done now. Oh look, there's my reflection again and-AAAAAHHHH!

0:04 Okay, have got a grip on myself now, though it's tenuous at best. I think I may have just done the equivalent of the Indy 500 around this room in the past five minutes. Well, I'm not getting anything accomplished this way; let's find a way out of this mess. There's the hole thing on the wall. Just need to get through that.

0:05 I could have sworn I heard those other replicators snicker at me just now. Hey, I'm new to this; of course I don't know how not to fall off the wall on the first try. Okay, let's see...little thingies on my feet/claws/whatevers, activate them and yay, I'm not falling down! So what if I'm on the floor, not falling down whilst on the floor is a big step for me, considering my luck as of late.

0:07 Okay, now to try this trick on the walls. One step up, okay. Two steps, that's both front legs/limbs/I dunnos on the wall. Now three and four and sweet, I'm doing it! Aha, I made it to the hole. Uh-oh, other replicators don't like that. They're giving chase, run Jackson…or, scamper electronically, like you're doing, whatever.

0:09 Wow, who knew I'd be better at running from replicators AS a replicator than the real me? Think I've got the whole hive on my tail now, though, all one hundred of them. For crying out loud, just go away, you freaky little iron arachnids!

0:10 Sunlight, praise the Lord! Into the above world. Now, if I could just remember which way to the damn Stargate. Yikes, replicators…besides me, I mean. Okay, away from them, that's where it is, away from them. Let's just pick a direction and RUN!

1:03 Okay, good news, I outran the replicators. Bad news, I'm lost. Worse news, can't recognize anything because I'm now six feet shorter than I was on the way in. Worst news, I'm pretty sure the others left without me. Hey, maybe Sam said, 'Wait a second sir, I have feeling something happened to Daniel. Maybe he was captured by the replicators and somehow forced outside his body and will be joining us anytime now to catch a ride back to Earth so we can fix him.' Yeah right, and I'll sprout wings and fly back to Earth. Little, metallic wings that-wait a second, does these little flap things count as wings?

1:04 Okay, obviously they do NOT work as wings, as my twenty-meter fall to the ground off of that small cliff demonstrated. But hey, at least I don't have pain receptors as a replicator. Yes, my one blessing in this private Hell reserved for Dr. Daniel Jackson. Now what?

1:05 As if this day couldn't get any worse, THIS had to happen. Put me down you stupid bird! Can't you see I'm a big, acid-spewing, world-destroying mechanical bug thing?! Maybe if I spray his feet. Haha, there, now do what I-wow, that's a long way down. Wait, I changed my mind, don't-oh crap.

1:06 Soon to meet the ground, again. I REALLY hope I'm one of those replicators that reforms after it's blown apart by severe blunt force trauma.

2:47 Okay, so replicators CAN feel pain, especially when their respective bits are strewn across desert sands for twenty feet in all directions. I can't believe I maintained consciousness that whole time. Took long enough to reform, though. If I'm ever fortunate to get out of this and have kids, they will NEVER play with Legos, I don't care how much they beg.

2:48 Last bit's in place, so I'm fully functional again. Now, as to that thing I thought I saw when I was in the clouds, it seemed like a big ring. Unless there's another giant, rotating ring on this planet, that was probably the Stargate. Hopefully it won't take too long to get there.

5:33 Wow, that went quicker than expected. I only got lost twice, not counting the one time getting swept away by the river that is. Stupid fish, trying to eat me. Okay, now all I have to do is dial home and...crap!

5:34 I forgot about the stupid iris! Figures. Like life was gonna go easy on me for once. Probably the only reason I'm alive so far is that my continued existence somehow pleases and entertains some divine entity or other which has the power over life and death. Wonder which one I'm classified as being in now...no, focus! Let's just hope that my existence continues to please so that I can get home and get this mess straightened out...which leads us back to the problem of the iris, damnit!

5:35 The alpha site, of course, why didn't I think of that...before, I mean. Let's see, just climb up on the DHD...

5:35 Okay, let's try that again, without the falling off this time. Crap, it's not working. This stuff must be a non-stick surface for replicators. Figures. All right, I'll just have to jump up, then. Oh look at that, the worlds most pitiful standing high jump, all of two inches. Guess I'm still getting the hang of this 'being a replicator' stuff.

5:36 A rock, that's what I need, a nice big rock. I climb up on it, get a tiny little running start and then land on top of the DHD. Just one problem: I'm far too small to push around a rock that big. Okay, maybe some little rocks, piled together. Yeah, a pile of them, that would only take me ten or twelve years to accumulate.

5:37 Sweet Holy Hannah, a stick! Man, I never though I'd be so happy to see a dead branch in my life. Okay, let's just drag you over here and I can climb up you to the top, neato.

5:38 Okay, this is kinda slow and I'm having to climb sideways, but it's working, be there in a second...

5:39 Yes, I rule! All that I survey if mine, mine I tell you! Now, Lord Jackson commands his lowly DHD servant to dial the alpha site, now! Lesse, push this and that, gate goes swoosh, though it I go. Goodbye stupid replicator world-

5:40 -Hello belligerent marines pointing M-16s at me. Yikes, running, running, running for me-OW!

5:42 Good news: I'm safe from those stupid marines and their guns in this little underground tunnel. Bad news, I'm missing precisely 23.8456937% of my body mass, which includes one hind leg and a wing thingie. Weird though it is, I can tell where those bits are and know they're all still functional, just waiting for me to come and get them. Hopefully no scientists from the base will come by and collect portions of my shiny hide; I kinda need that last leg.

5:44 Okay, back at the site where I was recently shot to pieces...literally. Let's get those bits back together. If I ever find out who those two marines were, I'll...do something very terrible to them, as soon as I can think up a suitable punishment. Hmm, wonder if Janet will give out free physicals to unwilling patients?

5:45 Okay, in one piece (of pieces) once again. Let's find the base.

6:04 Okay, scouting of the bases perimeter done. I can now safely conclude that my earlier estimates of a one-in-a-million chance of getting snuck back into the SGC were in error. New estimates show a reassuring snowballs-chance-in-Hell odds of getting back to Earth instead. If only there was some way I could tell when they were going to go back through the Gate, so I could sneak aboard their packs or something.

6:05 Ooh, a trap! I could rig something up so that a branch would fall on someone's head while they were marching back to the Stargate. Then their comrades would put aside their packs to help him, so I could sneak aboard and extract myself once I was back at the SGC, somehow having pulled off a miracle and hidden from the bases news replicator sensors behind some ration bars. Those things are thick enough to block a sensor unit, right?

6:06 What the-okay, it's not pretty, but it's probably my only chance of getting back to Earth, outside of being carried back bit-by-bit in two-thousand separate plastic baggies. In I go. I just hope no-one ever finds out that I once rode back to the SGC in a box of offworld fertilizer samples.

6:07 Wow, I don't even have any olfactory organs anymore and it STILL smells terrible! Still, could be worse-am I rusting?

6:08 Here comes a soldier boy, and another one. Yes, come, take me home and...WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WE'LL DELIVER IT TOMORROW?!' No, come back here you gun-toting neanderthals!

7:48 Well, what a fine mess I'm in now. Not able to emerge from the dung heap because I'll be shot, knowing my luck. What's worse, the wonder twins who were just here have decided to slack off on duty and postponed their duties for another 24 hours. All that and I really do think I'm starting to rust.

9:58 I'm not sure if this is a good setting to be thinking about food, but I'm hungry, however that works. Seeing as I'm now mechanical with no way of eating, this is a problem that I do not foresee any immediate solution to. Why is my current predicament reminding of lasagna?

10:43 Movement, sounds, smells (not the good type-how am I DOING this?!?), what does that mean? Ooh, I heard something about the Red Sox, did they win last night? Wait, what am I thinking, this is no time to talk about the Red Sox…unless they won. Wait, lifting motion, I'm being carried, carried to the Stargate?

10:44 I hear a whoosh, a big whoosh. I'M GOING HOME-wait, what if they scan me? They can detect replicators behind dung; I'll be found! I'd better-

10:45 -and it's too late, cause I'm back on Earth. Yes, stand back soldier, there's a mechanical terror in that crap. Time to enact plan B...as soon as I come up with plan B.

10:46 There goes the lid, no time for plan B. Let's go to plan R, for RUN LIKE HELL! Out of the way simpletons, can't you see I'm running from certain death here? No, don't listen to Jack, don't shoot it, give it time to come out from under the ramp and find a place to hide.

10:47 Yes Sam, good point, maybe I'm defective, since I'm not assimilating anyone and I'm leaving whole civilizations alone-wait, that's the Borg I'm thinking about. No, don't toss a grenade to it, I don't digest shrapnel well. Aha, an electrical duct, just what I need. Spray the grate and break it in, and away I gooo! Whahahahahahaha, suckers! Okay, that was a little creepy...I'll blame the replicatorness in me.

11:24 Okay, I'm lost now. Lost and hunted by the people I've worked with for five years now. Hey, I'm pretty sure I've seen that bundle of colored wires before. Hmmmmm, I wonder...

11:25 YEEEOOCCHH! Okay, apparently I can't hook into the bases network by biting the wires. Stupid Daniel, no data for you. Better move on before Sam figures out that the power outage here wasn't from Jack tinkering with Teal'cs staff weapon again.

14:13 Honestly, just how many miles of ducts ARE there in the SGC? I've been wandering around like this for hours, and I don't have a clue where I am in the mountain. In fact-

14:14 Hope no-one heard that. How did I not know I was upside down...and how do you right yourself like this? Damnit, I can't get back to normal if I'm on my back like this. Stupid gravity, always making fun of me.

14:25 After much shuffling, scraping, and generally exhausting thrashing of limbs and wings (yes, I'm sticking with that name for them now), I'm back on my feet. Time to find...whatever can help me here. Okay, let's see: high-tech science dealing with alien races, reversing bizarre afflictions visited upon human beings, general miracle working…Sams lab it is.

14:58 I don't know why, but I have this remarkable urge to eat this fan in front of me. Well, can't hurt that much, can it?

14:59 Ouch, my teethies. Okay, let's try softening the meal this time. Acid sprayer GO! Man, that sounded cheesy. Oooh, the fan's looking cheesy.

15:02 Hmm, so aluminum tastes like saltines. Who would've thought? Okay, now back to the task of navigating the labyrinth. All I need now is a minotaur to fight me to complete the cliche.

17:56 So this is taking longer than I thought it would, big deal. So I'm lost in the vast recesses of a secret military mountain complex, so what. So I'm stuck in a form that I'll probably never get out of, permanently absent all my normal human senses, unable to experience the things that normally give me joy...I need a hug.

17:57 Wait, I believe I just heard a 'Doh!' There's a grate, get to it fast. It's Jack! He's walking somewhere...I know that swagger. He's going to bug Sam. Okay, follow the grown-up juvenile delinquent!

18:01 And we're here...and Sam is not. Not good. C'mon Jack, do something. Fiddle with her equipment, she'll come running from ten miles away, we've seen it happen. Oh, pick that one, it looks expensive. Complex too; a surefire sign he'll break it. That's it, good boy Jack.

18:02 And enter Samantha, to her equipments rescue. That's good, now usher him out so you can get some work done. Oh, even better, join him in the commissary. Yes, they're gone, now I can get things started.

18:04 Ok, Sams computer, right in front of me. I can safely say that I have no idea what to do next, just that it involves this computer. Hmm, she DID tell me that I would not survive tampering with this thing; maybe I'm subconsciously looking to commit suicide...nah. A message! Yes, of course, why I didn't I think of that...wait, nevermind.

18:05 Doh, can't use the mouse like this. All right, just have to remember those shortcuts Sam's always using.

18:06 Mmmhmm, yeah, okay, open Word, need big font. Times New Roman too, it's the best type. Uh-oh, where's the delete key on this? Okay, almost done-crap, the door!

18:07 Ah, the benefits of being tiny. Hiding under workbenches is SO much easier like this. No Jack, don't shoot the stupid metal spider, it's your friend. C'mon Sam, read the message already. No, no SFs I do not need exterminating!

18:08 THANK YOU; listen to Sam, Jack. You know she's smarter than you and me put together; or just me, I guess. Yes, I'm Daniel, your friend and companion through the Stargate for many trips now. Most recently, I've had my body converted to metal bits as a tiny tinker toys terror, but it's me nonetheless.

18:09 ...um, okay...I guess it can't hurt to come out in the open. Hiya Sam-wow, that's a big gun. Maybe I'll just back into my little dark corner again and-hey! Let me out of this sack right this instant Jack! This is not the way you treat the guy who regularly negotiates the safe removal of your hide from indigenous aboriginal hands, okay?

18:10 And I'm being carried. Carried to where, I don't know. Hey, no need to slam me on the table, I'm not doing anything to you...not that this trend is likely to continue in the immediate future, mind you. No more sack over my head (figuratively speaking), now it's one of those nifty clear plastic boxes. Great, I'm an exhibit. Wonder what they'll charge to see me?

23:34 This is getting a little boring. I've already tallied the composition of the air (79% nitrogen, 20% oxygen, and 1% various odors unique to the military world, most deadly to the public at large), counted all the tiles in the room (twice), and I'll been walking around the walls of this thing like an insane gerbil astronaut running in a cubic wheel for exercise. Hey, might as well exercise while I'm here, right? Various people have come through here recently, including Hammond, Teal'c, and Janet (what, no Doctor or Frasier now? I wonder if this is the beginning of a trend) stopped by too, more out of idle curiosity than anything else, I think. They talked, pointed, gesticulated, talked some more, ran some tests, talked some more (wow, we do a lot of that around here, don't we), searched the premises for signs of a replicator invasion, and then, you guessed it, talked some MORE. Y'know, maybe mimes have the right idea; it's not so bad not talking. Just ask the deadly alien ferro-spider in the plastic prison in front of you.

23:46 Jack tried to get me riled up a little, making jokes about how I lost a few legs (spider joke I guess), asking if I ate his watch, that sort of stuff. I've got a few electrode thingies on my head that were attached via remote robot arm. I guess they're monitoring my brainwaves/thought patterns/thinking lines/you know what I mean. It was quite fun to watch Jack come up with inventive insults towards replicators, but he's running low on material. I have absolutely NO idea where he got the idea for us metal bugs starting reality TV, but he's going with that thread nonetheless.

23:57 Okay, this isn't working; they're not DOING anything! I need results, fast; I don't want to blow up soon because I haven't learned how replicators are supposed to go to the bathroom…if we do. Let's tap on the container, an SOS should get their attention. Yes, here they come.

23:58 Sam's saying something; sounds like she's talking about me, but like I'm not here. What is this crap about, huh? Hey, I'm right here, the little silvery guy waving his arms at you. Oh come on people, what do I have to do to convince you, the Macarena?!

23:59 What? Of course I'm Daniel, who else would be me but ME? Duh! Wait, who's that coming in the door...and WHAT IS HE DOING IN MY BODY?!?!

TBC

Friday, the day things fry, is up next. Stay tuned.
Calling all reviews, I repeat, reviews come home!