Chapter Seventeen

It took a while for Dean to sleep, adrenaline still rushing through his veins, but the sound of Cas doing his homework, followed by his deep, steady breathing as he slept allowed Dean to relax enough to drift off. His dreams were dark and suffocating, however, and he woke up trembling.

He sighed and pulled his duvet over his head, curling into a ball and ignoring the rest of the house waking up.

Cas paused by his bed, but decided against disturbing him, and left the room.

Dean stayed in bed as long as he could, but eventually his racing heart and shaking limbs demanded movement from him, so he threw some clothes on and hurried downstairs.

'Hey, how was your date?' Mary grinned as he reached the kitchen.

Dean shivered. 'I don't want to talk about it,' he muttered, opening the door to the garage.

'Do you want any pancakes?'

'No thanks,' Dean called, closing the door behind him and getting to work.

First he organised all the tools, then jacked up the Impala and fussed underneath it.

The door opened again and Dean heard John's voice.

'What are you doing down there, bud?' he asked.

'Changing the brake pads,' Dean grumbled.

'You know I changed those last week, right?'

'Yeah, well you did a crappy job,' Dean snapped, voice cracking.

'Okay, I'll leave you to it.'

Dean didn't stop until he was completely exhausted and covered in grease. He showered, scrubbing his skin raw, then sat at his desk to pretend he was doing homework. Cas was already in the room, sitting on his bed with the curtain open, and a sudden longing to rest in Cas's arms ached in Dean's chest, drawing tears to his eyes.

'Damn it,' Dean muttered, wiping his face.

'What?' Cas asked.

Dean cleared his throat, but couldn't look at Cas. The concern in his voice hurt Dean's heart, and he couldn't stop the tears dripping down his face. 'Nothing,' he croaked.

Cas didn't say anything else, but got up and went downstairs. The room felt colder without him. Dean sighed and rested his head in his hands, elbows on the desk. He stayed that way until Cas returned to the room and approached the desk.

Dean looked up and saw Cas holding two mugs.

'I hope I made it how you like it,' he said, placing the hot chocolate he made on the desk.

'Thanks,' Dean sniffed.

'I'm here if you want to talk.'

Dean nodded, a lump in his throat. Cas went back to his side of the room, and Dean took a sip of his hot chocolate. It wasn't the tight hug he wanted, but it warmed his heart.

By Monday morning, Dean felt just as awful as he had done all weekend, only now the all too familiar dread sat in his stomach. If it hadn't been for Cas's small nudges and encouragements, Dean would have just skipped school, but the encouraging smile Cas gave him as he climbed on the bus kept him going.

'Whoa, you look like hell,' Jo said as Dean sat down.

'I feel it,' Dean muttered, sighing and leaning against the window.

'What's wrong?'

Dean shrugged and closed his eyes, blocking everything out but the cool glass of the window, and Cas's thigh pressed against his.

Forcing himself into the building was even harder, and he shoved his hands in his pockets so no one would see them shaking. He stared down at the ground as he walked, not registering anyone around him and allowing Cas's gentle touch to guide him through the halls.

Rhonda was waiting, as usual, at Cas's desk. As Dean passed her, his heart beat so hard it made him dizzy, and he sat at his desk with a thump.

He stared into space, the voices around him blurring together. Eventually, Cas's voice floated into his ears, slightly muffled, and he blinked rapidly.

'Dean?'

'Hm?' Dean turned slowly, struggling to focus.

'It's time to go.'

'What?' Dean blinked again, and Cas's face came into view.

'I said it's time to go.'

Dean looked around and noticed everyone gathering their things and packing their bags. He hadn't even heard the bell ring. 'Right.' He followed the others out into the hall, his feet dragging, but he slowed to a stop outside his locker. 'You guys go ahead, I have to make a call,' he mumbled.

Cas hesitated, but left Dean alone.

Dean hovered by his locker until the hall cleared, then pulled his phone from his pocket.

'Tessa speaking,' she said as she answered the phone.

'Hey,' Dean said shakily.

'Dean? Is everything all right?'

'Um… I don't feel so good,' he said. 'Can I - can I come talk?' He heard Tessa flicking through her diary.

'I've got some free time in an hour, how's that?'

Dean swallowed.

'Why don't you come and sit in the waiting room for a little bit?'

'Okay,' Dean murmured.

'I'll see you soon.'

Dean readjusted his bag on his shoulders and wandered to the reception desk.

'Hey, Dean, you all right?' Jane the receptionist asked.

'I - um - I'm not feeling too hot,' he told her. 'I gotta go.'

'Sure thing,' she said sympathetically. 'Will you be back later.'

'I don't know. Maybe.'

'Okay, well thanks for letting me know,' she smiled.

Dean nodded and headed outside to wait for his cab.

He sat quietly outside Tessa's office until she was ready for him, and sat down in front of her.

'What's on your mind?' Tessa prompted, after a few minutes of silence.

Dean cleared his throat. 'I - um - I went on a date with Rhonda.'

Tessa's eyebrows rose ever so slightly, but the reprimand Dean had expected didn't come. Instead she just said, 'What were you hoping to gain from that?'

Dean explained to her the deal he had with Rhonda to leave Cas alone, then told her what happened on the date.

Tessa pursed her lips, tapping her pen on her notebook. 'Dean, I know this is hard for you, but I would really like to tell your school counselor about this. I won't mention your name, but I think it's important that someone is aware of her behaviour.'

Dean hesitated, but nodded.

'Thank you, I appreciate it.' Tessa made a note then looked up at Dean again. 'Have you thought about telling anyone else about what happened?'

Dean shook his head.

'Why not?'

'Who would I tell?' Dean shrugged. 'I don't want anybody to look at me different.'

'What about Cas?' Tessa suggested.

Dean blinked. 'I can't.'

'Why not? Do you think he would treat you differently?'

Dean thought about it. 'Well… no…'

'It's up to you, Dean, but in my opinion, I think you need someone to confide in besides me,' she said with a slightly joking tone. 'I'm here as long as you need me, but keeping all these walls up only stops people from getting close to you. And if I remember, you wanted Cas close to you, right?'

Dean blushed. 'I'll think about it,' he muttered.

'That's all I ask,' Tessa smiled. 'It would be good for you to expand your support network.'

'If you say so.'

'Dean,' Tessa said firmly, making Dean look up at her. 'You should be proud of yourself for today.'

'Why?' Dean said. 'I couldn't handle it, that sounds like a crappy day to me.'

'No one can handle everything all the time. You reached out for help when you felt you couldn't. That's good.'

Dean sighed. 'This morning was bad. How am I supposed to deal with it?'

'Are you planning on going out with her again?'

Dean wrinkled his nose.

'Well then, how do you think you can get through it?'

Dean took a deep breath. 'One step at a time,' he said.

'Exactly,' Tessa smiled.

'Thanks.'

'Do you want me to call your mom to come pick you up?'

'No, I'm just gonna get some fresh air and head home. Thanks for your help.'

'Anytime, Dean. I mean it.'

Dean left the office and sat outside for a while; on the floor with his back to the wall, letting the cold from the brick seep into his skin.

When he got home, he went to the kitchen and wordlessly hugged Mary tightly.

'Wh- hey!' she squeaked, patting his back. 'What's up?'

Dean just squeezed her tighter.

'You're suffocating me, honey,' Mary said, patting his back again.

'Sorry,' Dean mumbled, pulling away.

Mary didn't question him more, but watched him closely while she made coffee. 'So… Do you want to help me plan Cas's birthday party?'

Dean perked up. 'It's Cas's birthday?'

'Yeah, on Thursday.'

'Well, he won't want anything over the top.'

Mary smiled. 'That's why I need your help.'

Dean nodded and smiled back. 'Okay, I'll do it.'

With something to distract him, Dean was able to ignore Rhonda sitting at Cas's desk, and even started to feel normal again.

Thursday morning, Dean drove Cas to school in the Impala. Neither of them mentioned that it was Cas's birthday, but Cas was so distracted Dean thought he must have forgotten himself.

'You all right?' Dean asked as they pulled into the parking lot.

Cas nodded, unlocking his phone to check the notifications every few seconds.

'Expecting a message?'

'Something like that,' Cas sighed, before unbuckling and getting out of the car.

Cas remained distracted most of the day, and paced by the door of the cafeteria, sometimes staring at his phone with a frown, sometimes holding it anxiously to his ear.

'What's going on?' Jo asked, watching him in concern.

'Don't know,' Dean shrugged. 'He'll tell us if he wants to.'

Cas seemed to give up, grimacing at his phone, but instead of joining them, he left the cafeteria. They didn't have any classes together that afternoon, so Dean caught up with him at track practice.

Cas was slower than usual, and the team could all tell he was preoccupied. The coach pulled him aside to find out what was going on, but Cas just shrugged and went back to running.

When he was done, Dean drove him for coffee, then brought him home.

Dean hurried inside first, where Sam quickly tossed him a party hat. They had decided it would just be the four of them; Mary, John, Sam and Dean, so Cas wouldn't be overwhelmed. Dean snapped the hat on his head just as Cas walked through the door.

'Surprise!' they all cried.

Cas froze. His eyes slid from them, to the streamers and balloons that Mary had put up, to the banner hung across the kitchen door that read, 'Happy 18th Birthday!' Cas dropped his back, backing out of the door, then turned and ran.

Dean glanced at Sam, ripped off the hat, and chased after him. Dean followed him as best he could, but Cas disappeared around a corner.

'Damn,' Dean puffed, slowing to a stop while the others caught up with him. 'All right, he went this way, I'll follow him, you guys go that way in case he comes back up.'

John nodded and they split up.

After thirty minutes of running around and calling his name, Dean finally spotted Cas in an old, tucked away playground, sitting on a bench in front of a rusted set of swings. Dean sighed in relief and sent a message to Mary letting her know where they were.

Dean jogged up to him, quite breathless. 'Man, you're fast,' he panted. 'Do you mind?' he gestured at the bench.

Cas shrugged, rubbing his face and clearly trying to keep himself from crying.

'What happened?' Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. 'I'm sorry,' he said in a cracked voice. 'I just - it's my birthday.'

'Yeah?'

Cas sniffed. 'I'm eighteen. That means not even the state is obligated to care about me now.' He pulled out his phone again, checking the notifications, but there were none. 'I still can't find Gabriel. I'm alone.' He couldn't hold it back anymore and dissolved into tears.

'Hey, it's okay,' Dean said softly. 'You're not alone, we've got your back.'

'No offence, Dean, but if I had a dollar for every time someone told me that,' Cas choked.

'I get it,' said Dean. 'But we're friends now, right? We're here for you. I'm here for you. I promise.'

Cas didn't say anything.

'Okay, you don't believe me, I understand. I'll just have to prove it then,' Dean said, smiling at him.

John, Mary and Sam finally found them and came running. Mary knelt down in front of Cas and put a gently hand on his knee.

'Hey,' she whispered.

Cas looked up, then wrapped his arms around Mary's neck, sobbing into her shoulder.

'It's okay, I've got you,' she said. 'I'm so sorry, honey, I didn't even think.'

'No,' Cas stuttered, pulling away slightly. 'It - it's not your f-fault. You were being n-nice.'

'I should have asked,' Mary said. 'It's okay to be upset.'

They waited patiently for Cas to stop crying.

'Are you ready to go home?' Mary asked kindly. 'You've got presents to open, you know.'

Cas gave a watery laugh and sniffed. 'Okay.'

Mary pushed herself up, dusted herself off, and put her arm around Cas, holding him close as they walked him home. 'You know, there's a package waiting for you at home.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, there's a label on it, it says "happy birthday, nerd".'

Cas laughed. 'It's from Charlie. I'll give her a call later.'

John patted him on the back. 'Are you hungry? We were gonna take you out for your favourite burgers.'

'Okay,' Cas said, wiping his nose. 'I - I really do appreciate it. The decorations and everything.'

'I know you do, honey,' said Mary, squeezing him tightly with one arm and kissing him on the cheek. 'Come on, let's get you fed.'


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