Chapter Five
The Verdict
Ezri Dax stood outside the force field, looking at her twin. She had been doing it for quite some time now, but Ezri Tigan seemed not to notice her. She sat on the floor, back to the wall, her bare legs up and clutched at the knees. She had her head down and looked abjectly miserable.
Dax waited a few seconds longer. It was one thing to be ignored by someone else, but to be ignored by yourself ...
"So. Do you want to tell me about the Lincoln?" Tigan didn't move. Five seconds, ten, fifteen, finally a slow shaking of her head. "Fine. You don't have to. I must say I'm surprised, though. They accuse you of killing what, thousands, tens of thousands, and you don't bat an eye. Oh, I know it was war, but this ship, that was war too. Why this one sh-." Tigan looked up, and Dax was astonished to see tears streaming down her face. She didn't speak, didn't cry out, didn't make a sound, but just sat there trembling, sobbing silently, the kind of deep, overwhelming sorrow that goes beyond all expression. "Talk to me." She didn't, or couldn't speak. "Ezri, I don't think you're going to get through this. I think you're going to lose and they're going to come for you, take you away and kill you. But it's for what you say you didn't do." Her expression was breaking, trembling getting worse, but no matter how hard she cried, how miserably, she didn't utter a sound. "Talk to me, Ezri. Please." She put her head down. Ezri reached for the field controls.
"Lieutenant?" The female deputy at the control station called warningly. Ezri paused, her hand above the control, and turned back.
"Dismissed." The woman hesitated. "That's an order."
"Yes, ma'am." She turned and left her station, and when the door closed behind her Ezri touched the panel. The field flickered and was gone. Ezri stepped in and knelt before her twin, putting a hand on her trembling shoulder. Ezri Tigan looked up slowly, tears dripping from her red eyes.
"Talk to me." She whispered. The other woman tried once, again, finally put her head back down between her knees. Ezri knelt still for many seconds, then longer, then slowly started to stand. She was about halfway up when Tigan got three words out, three words torn from a shattered soul, three words that drowned horribly in a lifetime of misery.
"Julian is dead!"
Ezri reached out to touch her twin, and the other girl broke, flinging her arms around her, clinging tightly as she wailed brokenly, heart-wrenching sobs that shook her body mercilessly, grief such as Ezri never wanted to imagine but knew she could share. She hugged her twin close as she sobbed brokenly, clinging to her as she wept an unending torrent of tears.
"Can you talk?" Ezri asked softly a long time later, long after the sobbing had quieted. Tigan shook her head.
"But I have to." She whispered, unable to raise her voice. Ezri reached for a towel off the sink, but it was too far away. Disengaging herself for a moment, she grabbed the towel and was back, sitting with her back against the wall and slipping an arm around her twin's shoulders as the other wiped her face. "How long have you been here?" Tigan whispered.
"In with you?" The girl nodded. "About 20 minutes." She smiled sadly.
"I always could work up to a good cry."
"Same here." They sat in companionable silence for several moments. "You know," she said softly, "you'll really feel better if you talk about it."
"I haven't been able to talk about it."
"Well, if you can't talk to me, who can you talk to?"
"Believe it or not, I came here hoping we would be able to talk. I didn't realize how much a mess I would make of it, though. Or how much you would hate me."
"I don't hate you." Ezri paused, vastly surprised when she realized it was not a lie. "I did," she admitted, "but not anymore."
"When I came, I had a scheme, to protect myself by getting pregnant, but the real truth is that I wanted Julian's baby. We were going to have a baby, you see, he and I, but we didn't get the chance. God, I loved him! I loved him - I guess as much as you do."
"Was he aboard the Lincoln?"
"He was the Captain."
Tigan collapsed against Dax. "My god, I never could do what they say. I didn't! You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, no one else will because it sounds so trite, but I was giving up. That's why I was out of sight for so long. I was with Julian. But he knew what I was, and didn't care!" She looked up at Ezri, wonder in her eyes. "Dear God, he knew and he didn't care! He was the first man who loved me for me, not for some seductress, not for some seductive whore, not for some ... He loved me!"
"He's special. Both of him."
"I don't know what happened with the Lincoln, I had nothing to do with it. But when I heard, on my way to actually resign, so we could have a life together, I lost my mind. Nothing mattered. I went to hell. I'm surprised it took them this long to catch me.
"I was willing to go to my death, nothing mattered in life anymore. But even though I've fucked up my life I discovered I was scared to lose it. And then I hit on an escape plan. I'd been here before, on business. It was easy. I guess too easy, they got me in two hours.
"I was going to see Julian, I wanted to have his baby, even if it wasn't really Julian. I'd raise him here in this dimension, somewhere far away, teach him about his father, the things every child should know about his father, the hero." The sobs threatened to break free, but she got them under control.
"Then I saw him, and he was alive. He was alive! My Julian! I went - I went nuts. Fucked up everything. You were never supposed to have even known I was here. Get laid, see Captain Sisko for asylum. My backup plan was to steal a shuttle; your voice commands would be perfect, land on Bajor and be gone by planet dawn.
"But I fucked everything up. I'll never have Julian's baby. My Julian will never live again, not even in his child. Hell, the way they were looking at me I'll probably be dead by this evening.
"I can't make apologies for what I did in the war. I'm a soldier, and it is war. But the rest of my life, my personal life, I really fucked that up, didn't I?"
Ezri never had the chance to answer as a large shadow fell over them. They looked up to see Worf standing outside the deactivated field, a look of displeasure on his glowering face. "The hearing is due to resume. Are you ready?"
"As ready as I will ever be." Tigan stood up, and faced Worf, eyes clear, back straight, head held high. Her emotional catharsis, and soul bearing, had cleared her mind. She felt it had returned her dignity. "It is a good day to die."
"Perhaps, it is a good day to live."
"Ezri Tigan, you have heard the charges and specifications against you. Do you wish to make a statement or cross examine?" Odo asked.
"No, your honor."
"Then you may present your case."
"No, your honor."
The room went utterly silent. Odo leaned forward. "Did you just say 'no'?"
"Yes, your honor, I did. But come to think of it, I will make a statement."
"Proceed."
"I am a spy, and my duty is to support my government, and in so doing protect my world, defend and promote it. I did my duty to the best of my ability, and for these things I make no apology. But people can change, and I did.
"It has been said I dropped out of sight in the last few months. That's not exactly so. I was in sight, the sight of a good man. The sight of a man I came to love, to love with all my heart and all my soul, and he loved me just as much. And he showed me something in myself, something I thought had died, but he brought it back to life again.
"I was ready to leave the Alliance. My love for him was more than for my government, my job, my ... We were going to go away, someplace safe, someplace away from war and treachery and mistrust. We were going to raise a family together, to live out our days together." She choked, and had to stop until she got her emotions, her voice, back under control.
"He is dead. And I know now I will never find anyone like him again. I got captured, and frankly I didn't care. My life ended when his did, my soul left with his. I was ready to die, but at the last I - I was afraid. I ran, looking for a safe place.
"It's been said that I lost my edge. Maybe that's true, I've been captured twice in a week, but the truth is I lost my soul. I came here looking for it, but I couldn't find it, because the man I love more than life itself is dead, and he will never be back. He's not here.
"I am facing a death sentence, and the deep irony is that you want to kill me not for what I did, but for the one thing in my entire life that I did not do. I've spied, infiltrated, planted false evidence, toppled governments, stolen plans and information, left others in their places, and those are recognized as acts of war, and part of my job. The irony is that you want me to die for the destruction of the Abraham Lincoln, and that is the one thing in my whole career that I did not do.
"I still want to live. I still want asylum, a chance for life, but I know that whether I stay or go it is the same, because my love, and my soul, have been ripped from me. So I am ready for the vote on asylum. Because to stay and live, or to go back and die - I am ready."
There was a long pause, and then Sisko slowly stood up. "All senior staff, Attention." All save Jennifer and Capt. O'Brien came to attention. "Prepare to vote on the appeal for Asylum."
"Captain, please wait!" Tigan held her hands out.
"Yes?"
"I came here looking for friends. Whatever happens, I really, really don't want to know!"
"All right." Ezri Tigan turned around, closing her eyes. "All in favor of Asylum?" She held her breath. "All opposed?" She waited tensely. "Ezri?" She slowly let her breath out, opening her eyes and turning around. "I'm sorry."
She felt a hand clutch her heart tightly, but tried very hard to keep her face calm. She would not demean herself by showing how much it hurt, and how much she was afraid. "Thank you." She whispered to those unknown who had tried to save her. Jennifer and Capt. O'Brien stood up and came forward.
"Ezri Tigan," Jennifer said. "You are under arrest. Come with us."
She took a deep breath, held it, let it out slowly and stepped forward.
"Wait!" Dax exclaimed. "This hearing is not closed, and I demand to file a motion."
"The vote is taken."
"Doesn't matter, we're still convened!" She turned to Odo. "I want an hour's delay!"
"Why?"
"I can't tell you."
"This is ridiculous." Jennifer said. She spun on the dark woman.
"You've been chasing her for years, she's still your prisoner, what difference does one hour make? I want to talk to her!"
"What could you possibly say in an hour," O'Brien demanded, "that would make any difference?"
"None of your damn business!" She turned to Odo. "I demand my hour!" Odo, uncertain, caught a subtle signal from Sisko.
"All right. From the time she returns to the holding cell, you have 1 hour."
"Commander Worf, escort the prisoner back to holding."
"No!" Dax exclaimed. "Julian, you do it!"
The expressions on the faces around her, as she overruled the Captain's order, ranged from incredulous to shocked. Sisko's own look of surprise was tempered with a glare at her, telling her silently how dangerously close she was coming to insubordination. Finally, he said in a carefully level tone: "Doctor, will you do the honors?"
"Yes, sir."
Ezri grabbed her twin's arm. "Talk to him!" Before anyone could say a word, she was gone, hurrying out the door, which slid closed behind her, cutting her off from the stunned assemblage.
Captain O'Brien turned to Jennifer. "Are you certain we got the right one?"
