Disclaimer: I hate to admit: I don't own it!
Chapter 3: Saturday Night brings you down
Lorelai entered the Gilmore house after having spent the hours of the afternoon in the Dragonfly. She loved her Inn. For the first time she was working in a hotel that was truly hers. Well, hers and Sookie's but that didn't make a difference. Even though she was still afraid that they might not be able to keep up the success they were having- she knew it always took a few years until you could call an Inn established, she enjoyed it so thoroughly these days, that she knew she'd never regret the step she had taken.
Today however, her thoughts hadn't entirely been focused on work. More than once she had caught herself gazing away in day-dreams, wondering about Luke and their last night and reminiscing about their time together so far. Daydreams can be so great, if only Michel wasn't there to witness them. The already grumpy French-man was even grumpier when he saw Lorelai's mental absence. He usually didn't mind when she didn't interfere with his work and kept away from him, but seeing her so lovey-dovey he couldn't stand it all. Other people's happiness made him sick to the stomach. More than once he'd mumble to himself but loud enough so she'd hear it: "People in love are fools, all doomed have their hearts ripped out and shred into little tiny pieces. Everyone dies alone eventually." Lorelai merely rolled her eyes at this and let him be grumpy. She was way too happy to be distracted by Michel. Her and Luke had turned out to be exactly the thing she needed and wanted. Friends can really be great lovers she thought to herself.
So after all, Lorelai was kind of happy to get home today where she'd watch a movie with her daughter and think about Luke some more. And afterwards, yeah afterwards, that would be the best part of her day. Afterwards she could go over to her boyfriend's. Yes, and this time it wasn't complicated or weird or doomed to fail. Luke was great, he was perfect for her, they were perfect for each other. It would be fine. For the first time in her life Lorelai felt like it could last forever. It had never felt like that with Chris and not even with Max whose marriage proposal she had accepted. Luke was just a the kind of consistency she had been meaning to find. It was a comfortable and wonderful feeling knowing she could head over there tonight and having him be there. Talking to him about her day and having him hold her in his arms, falling asleep next to him- the thought of that gave her a warm sensation. And then of course there was the anticipation of last night's event to be repeated.
Yeah, definitely a nice thought.
Lorelai couldn't help but smile when she sat down next to Rory on the couch. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't even notice the miserable look on Rory's face who wasn't exactly in the best mood. Her day had been okay and the book had turned out to be okay, however she just couldn't distract herself from the awful feeling she had. Everything was falling out of her hands and she didn't know what to do with herself. After making that horrible mistake by sleeping with Dean and thus betraying every moral or value she'd had, she had started questioning everything about herself. Sometimes she'd look in the mirror, but she wouldn't recognize the girl/almost woman looking back at her. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. I mean, she had had her life figured out, she had had plans and dreams, but now she wasn't sure that all of that was what she wanted anymore. She didn't know if Yale was what she wanted. She was just so confused and unhappy. She couldn't find anything in her life to cheer her up. There was nothing she felt happy about. It was hard for her to drag herself out of bed in the mornings and she had a hard time not wasting the day in sweats on the sofa doing nothing. Whatever she did, whether it was going out with her friends, spending time with her mom, or studying, stuff she liked- everything that she had enjoyed before just didn't satisfy her anymore. Some people would probably call that depression and Rory wasn't so sure she'd disagree with that. She was depressed. And being that way, although she was happy for her mom, she couldn't stand looking at her mom's pleased face. Lorelai had everything going for her, and Rory just couldn't stand having an enormously happy person around at the moment. This feeling was only momentarily, after all she loved her mom and her own bad feelings weren't her moms faults at all and Rory would surely be sorry for her sentiments and actions in a few hours, but in this moment, she just couldn't help it.
She was miserable and Lorelai was all perky and happy and she hated it. It was unbearable.
"Oh would you drop that smile? It's getting on my nerves." She uttered in disgust.
Lorelai, totally caught in surprise by her daughters harsh reaction, responded in an equally harsh manner: "Well, who pissed on your day? What is wrong with you, you're acting like no one's allowed to be happy but you. Can't you let other people be happy? Do you have to drag everyone down with you? It's not my fault that you messed up your life!"
Rory looked at her mother in even more disgust. She wouldn't let the truth of Lorelai's words sink in. Self-pity wouldn't allow her to acknowledge that her mom was right.
"Oh yeah, right. It never is your fault. You always were the perfect role model" Rory replied sarcastically. "I mean, look, you jump in bed with my dad whose kid you had at sixteen every time he's back in town, you slept with my teacher, oh an yes, you went out with your dad's competitor. There's some role-model isn't it? Yeah, wonder where I got it from!" Rory added.
Lorelai was speechless. Was this the daughter she had raised? She didn't recognize this person sitting next to her on the couch. All of Rory's traits where gone. It was just a frustrated, world-hating being next to her. Rory it seemed hated herself and every one else was held responsible for that, every one else, but not herself.
Looking at her daughter Lorelai spoke words that came out of her heart and were at this moment the ultimate truth.
"You know, I am ashamed of you, Rory." She swallowed hard. "I am ashamed how you act, I am ashamed how you treat others, I am ashamed that you look for every ones' faults but for your own. I have to admit, for the first time in my life I am ashamed to be your mother."
Rory's eyes filled up with tears. Her mother's words were like a stab with a sharp knife right into the chest. However her stupid pride wouldn't allow her to find the right words. Instead she chose words that made her mother even more angry.
"Everything in my life is so messed up at the moment, how am I not supposed to act this way, after all I am just human!" she cried out.
"Everything in your life is so messed up?" Lorelai spat out in disbelief "Well aren't we on a high horse there lady! I mean, you're life is just so a mess!" she added dripping with sarcasm "Don't you think you're a little ungrateful there? I mean look at you, you have a home, you have friends who will forgive you anything, you go to Yale, you have the possibility to do anything with you're life, you have a guy who you've hurt many times in the past who cheats on his wife for you, you have friends who still support you after that, who give the blame to anyone else but you. And you're life is just a mess, right?"
Rory was sobbing now. She had her arms crossed over her chest and did not look at Lorelai in her stubbornness. "You don't understand me."
Lorelai was now a little calmer, but still too angry to reason with her daughter.
"You know what, I don't and actually, I don't fell the urge to try and understand. I am fed up with you and your self-pity. You know, I'd never thought I would stand this, but I can't stand to be with you tonight. I am fed up with this. I am going to spend the night at Luke's."
Without another word Lorelai got up from the couch, merely picked up her purse in the hallway and left the house banging the door as hard as she could.
Rory was left sobbing on the sofa.
Lorelai headed straight to the diner. She wouldn't stop when Ms. Patty called her from her across the square and she wouldn't stop when she almost ran over poor Kirk, who didn't know what had hit him. When reaching Luke's she stormed in and headed straight to the counter where Luke was getting people's checks ready. Without paying any attention to the customers she asked Luke: "Hey, can Cesar deal without you for now?"
"Yes…what's the matter Lorelai?" Luke asked dazzled by the startled look on her face. Lorelai however didn't give a response but went up the stairs to the apartment immediately. Luke of course rushed after her, shouting at Cesar to take care of the customers and sensing that this wouldn't only be a few minutes told him to close up early today as soon as the present customers were out.
Opening the apartment door he saw Lorelai standing in the middle of the room with an expression on her face he had not seen before. His heart stopped beating for a moment. She looked to hurt. And that hurt him. It had always hurt him when she was hurt. He loved her after all.
"Lorelai, what's wrong? What happened? You look like something terrible has happened!" He consciously avoided saying you look terrible, because honestly she wasn't. She still looked beautiful.
Lorelai however wasn't able to explain anything. She simply collapsed into his arms and started sobbing. He immediately put his arms around her and tightened his grip when he felt her slip to the ground because her strength had left her and she couldn't hold herself up anymore. Without hesitation he picked her up and carried her over to the couch where he sat her down softly and after sitting down himself pulled her onto his lap. Lorelai just cried into his chest. He put his head on hers and simply held her knowing that this was all he could do now and not asking for an explanation. He knew she would explain as soon as she had calmed down.
It saddened him. Her being so helpless and hurt. He wondered what had happened that had made his beloved Lorelai so sad and he vowed to help her make it right again.
A.N.: Okay this was kind of an emotionally draining chapter to write. It's just never easy on me, the fighting part I mean. Well, thanks for all the reviews I've gotten. They're really up-lifting, thank you guys! To all the Jess-lovers: wait and see! I can't promise anything, but I have an idea!!! Anyways, please review and tell me what you like and what you don't like. Gives me something to work with, you know. Bye, Janine
